cdk1972

If addicts can hit their bottom, can we? I will admit. I haven't gone to Al Anon yet. I've read book after book about codependency, i'm on the twelve steps by madeline beattie right now. But here's my snag:
It's a lot of talk about how to forgive yourself. Let go. Do an inventory. Learn to love yourself. ANd i understand it all and why its important. But here's how messed up I am:
#1.As i'm reading, i keep thinking, I wish Shane (my AXB) could read this and understand it. I wish he could see the light and live his life.
#2. I can't even begin to fathom learning to like myself. I don't even know where to start it sounds so unnatural. And i'm not a person who goes around moping or unhappy all the time...(i've realized i'm a great actress) but reading all of this makes me realize I honestly can't think of one thing I love about myself.
Iwasn't physically or sexually abused, but I did have a verbally negative father, and a mother who didn't stand up to him. I felt guilty for who i was growing up, instead of being taught my actions were bad when i got in trouble, it was I WAS BAD. Is this where it is stemming from? Every time i try to "be nice" to myself, or try to make myself remember that Shane wasn't good for me, and I don't deserve to be treated how he treated me, I come back to, of course i do. He was probably TOO good for me. I CANNOT BE NICE TO MYSELF. no matter how hard i try. I try to tell my self its okay, or i'm not that bad, or ugly, or stupid...but it all sounds like a big fat lie. it's very false to me.
Will i ever recover from this? I am still obsessing on memories of my AXB, I'm still asking questions over and over again how he could just leave and not look back and forget about me...I must've been so terrible to be around blablabla.
Have I hit MY bottom?

hbb

(((cdk))) i'm sure i can safely say that everyone here has been through this and it's tough and wish there was some sort of magic to make it disappear, i know i do. I am so sorry your feeling so badly. I know how that feels. Hey, there's no timeline for getting over something like this. Look at me, i can still be mopey, cry, be angry, as questions just like the next girl It's ok to feel your feelings and it doesn't just happen overnight. And i felt the same thing, i hit my bottom a few weeks ago and was sick and tired of being sick and tired so went to the dr. This is new still, don't beat yourself up...YOU didn't do anything wrong but try to help/better your bf. I know i did the best i could for mine but i know your pain. Hang in there, keep asking, your doing great

best

You either learn or repeat. Your bottom will be when you reach the point of saying you are sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I came to realize that God loves me just as I am so if I am good enough for Him, I guess I am good enough for me.
I can look at my faults and change what I can change. I can seek support and help from others and from God to help me change... I also realized it took me many years to reach a point I was at...it will take a little bit of time to correct anything that needs be corrected.

Progress...Not perfection. Did you learn something new today? If so that is progress.
You did a good job...now say thank you to yourself. You are worth it.

DesertEyes

Sure we can. I did. However, a "bottom" is _not_ a requirement for growth. Some people are smart enough to quit beating their head against a brick wall _before_ they knock themselves unconscious.

Tha'ts the second half of the first step that you just conquered with that statement. I think you're well on your way to recovery

That's the first half of the first step, and it sounds to me like you haven't quite got the hang of it yet. Took me awhile too, so don't stress if it doesn't all happen all at once.

Yeah I couldn't either. The secret to that is in the first half of the 12th step. It says that we have our "spiritual awakening" as a result of having worked the previous 11 steps. You're still halfway thru the first, so give yourself a little slack and wait 'till your done with step 11 before you worry about liking or not liking yourself.

Maybe. I know a lot of people in recovery who were raised by a parent that was addicted to himself, and the other parent was codependent. That sounds like the parents you described.

Yup. You will. Just like millions of other codies all over the world. You've made a great start, just keep working on it.

Nope. But you do not _have_ to hit a bottom to get well. However, if you're as stubborn and pig-headed as me, then you might have to.

Some day you will. The choice is yours. You can go now, or you can wait until you reach a point in your life where you force yourself into a corner and have _no_ choice. That's what I did. I really don't recommend that to anybody, it was awful. I almost died, literally.

From what you have described, you are doing a lot of reading and thinking. That's good, but it's not enough. You're not taking any _action_, you're just going round in circles in your own head. I did that too, and you know what? I didn't get very far.

I didn't start healing until I took _action_. I went to al-anon, I shared, I cried, I got a new sponsor, I got into service, I became a sponsor. It worked for me. Give it a try, they're really nice people, just like the ones you've "met" on this website

Mike

cdk1972

When you say, "Working a step", what exactly do you mean? I am reading through the steps, and they make sense to me, and i'm doing a lot of journaling, and writing lists, and taking inventories, etc. but what does it mean "working" each step? I AM sick and tired. and frankly, a little scared. I've been hurt before, but this time is different. i'm not getting over it. i'm not letting go very well. I feel like this is it. I've got to do something. get out of this. i'm not going to last through another one, for sure. i'm in a very dark place, and its scary.

cmc

Working a step as it's been described here means to work it out with the guidance of someone already in the program, which in a 12 step program is a sponsor. In other words- somebody who has already gone through the steps is passing what they learned along to the next person- their sponsee. It's like having a mentor.

Live

You might want to take a look at the ACOA forum stickies also.

Peace, love, blacklight posters

DesertEyes

It means that you do all that reading, and writing, and inventories _with_ a group of people who are also doing the same. You read something in a book and you go "oh yes! I can relate to that". Then you take that "oh yes" experience to the meeting and you _share_ it with the other people there. Those people look at you with big eyes and say "oh my God, I feel that way too". Other people say "I used to feel that way, and this is what I did to heal..."

Then you repeat that with your sponsor, and with a few close friends who are also going to meetings. And you share about it some more, and then more again.

Then one day you'll be doing something totally unrelated, like buying groceries, and you'll see a couple arguing and she says to him "don't you get it? If you only did what I tell you...". And you'll look at that poor woman and you'll say to yourself, "that poor woman, she just doesn't get it that he is _not_ going to change no matter what she does".

And then it hits you. Right between the eyes. "Oh my God, that is _exactly_ what I've been doing my whole life and I _never_ saw it"

That's how you "work" step one.

When I sit in my house by myself. And read all those books by myself. And do all that journaling by myself. I don't learn anything I didn't already know. It is only when I _listen_ to other people share what _they_ have learned that I get a new perspective on _my_ problems.

If I could get myself out of this mess by myself.... I never would have got into in the first place.

When an alkie hits bottom, they do so in a jail, or in a garbage dumpster, in an insane asylum, under a bridge, or some other such destitute place. They don't all survive their "bottom".

When a codie hits bottom, we do it in and emergency room. With a perforated ulcer from stress. With a heart attack (that's me). With a suicide attempt (almost me, but saved by my HP). With severe brain damage from getting beat up by our alkie. We don't all survive that either.

The day you finally make it to a meeting, you are going to find a small group of people who are in the deepest pain they have ever known. Some of them will have recently lost their loved one. Some of them will have recently got beat up. Some of them are losing their homes, their jobs, their families. All because they can't stop trying to control the person they love. They are _desperate_. Some of them will be brand new to this whole idea and crying their hearts out (that was me my whole first month in al-anon)

The day you finally walk into that room those people are going to be so extremely happy to see you. You know why? Because when you show up they are no longer alone. You showed up to help them work their own recovery. ( I learned this from Cynay )

I don't know where in the world you are, but I do know that tomorrow there is a meeting of al-anon you are welcome to attend. Their number is in your phone book. You can stay home tomorrow and let them cry alone. Or you can show up and pass the tissues.

Besides helping out in this forum, today I spent an hour on the phone with a fellow member of the program who is trying to recover from severe childhood abuse. I chatted half an hour with a friend from the program who's daughter just got shipped to Iraq. Another half hour or so with another guy who's wife left him with 3 kids. All these people have helped me _immensely_ in my own recovery. I help them with their "stuff". Today, all of us together kept ourselves relatively sane and serene.

You are welcome to join us as we walk thru life and it's challenges. All you have to do is show up, and help pass the tissues.

Mike

Mr. Christian

So why no Alanon?

Everyone hits his or her bottom.
For some it’s a longer fall.
You know why we fall?
So we can pick ourselves up.

fluffyflea

Absolutelyt we hit bottom. my bottom was becoming suicidal.

Ngaire

cdk1972

No Al anon because i'm a chicken. I'm scared that i'll go there and once my tears start they'll never stop. and i dont want people feeling sorry for me. and i'm uncomfortable opening my heart to strangers....i've made every excuse possible. I want to be a martyr. I can do this myself. I'm now realizing, i can't. If not my AXB, then someone else if i don't do something now. I feel like I am not suicidal, but I could be close to it. I feel like this IS my bottom and something needs to be done. All day I have been getting up the nerve to go this week. To show up and sit through it. I cannot reroute my thinking to realize my axb bevavior isn't about me. I can't get that through my head. and its slowly killing me. i'm living for him right now and i need to stop. THank you all so much for your replies. This website, honestly gets me through every day.

DesertEyes

yup. You sure have. We all have. There's something we do here out west, it's a type of "therapy" for people who keep making excuses for not doing what they know is good for them. It's called "Nike Therapy". It goes like this:

Just do it.

Just go to a meeting and don't even think about it. Go now. Just do it. A small group of people just like the ones here on SR will be there for you. I'll be at my meet tonite at 6PM

Just do it.

Mike

Mr. Christian

Just do it.

embraced2000

yep, just do it.

we do hit bottoms. mine was total desperation, illness from stress, hopelessness, felling worthless, angry as hell, bitter towards life and everone in life, isolated from family and friends......i woke up every morning thinking.....oh god, it's morning....another day from hell for me.

my whole life was centered around the chaos of my alcoholic husband. no time for myself, or anyone else. i was constantly trying to make sense out of his nonsense.....and mine. i was so deeply engrained in the alcoholic dance of insanity, that i had no idea that i had lost myself.

i was sick in mind and body. the stress alone caused me serious physical illnesses, that i thought i was going to die from it alone.

yes, i hit a bottom. i was reduced to a blubbering, pile of gooey stuff on the floor that was supposed to be a human. i wanted to be somewhere that the only decision i had to make every day was what flavor jello someone was going to spoon feed me, while i peed in my depends while strapped in a wheel chair in a room that i could just stare out of the window.

and i am very serious about what i wrote. i was ready for the round barn, if ya know what i mean.

i drug myself to al-anon, fought them tooth and nail for six months.....cussed them, yelled at them, cried and bawled for six months before i finally calmed down. they still welcomed me, and even called me and came to my home to see me during all of this......they were my life line to sanity.

just do it.

cdk1972

"... wanted to be somewhere that the only decision i had to make every day was what flavor jello someone was going to spoon feed me, while i peed in my depends while strapped in a wheel chair in a room that i could just stare out of the window."

This is where i am right now. I feel like i can't do anything consciously. I go through the motions each day. Then, i'll start feeling okay for a brief moment and somethign reminds me of my AXB and i fall right down again, going back to "What did I do to make him leave me? How could he leave me even if HE IS an alcoholic if he loved me?" I know the answer. It's his disease. But it doesn't make it any easier, and it doesn't help me get into my head that ITS NOT ME.

embraced2000

that's why i needed al-anon.

Buffalo66

I have been watching this post. Sometimes a post really rings a bell for me so much that I just have to watch it unfold, and breathe.

I am just now hitting my bottom, or at least, now, I think I am standing back up.

My AexBF/sons'father has lied and cheated, stolen. He is homeless...My reputation has been marred, he has turned friends against me, left me with no support for our child AT ALL.

When I got pregnant, the promises began. I watched, and waited. I thought he might change when the baby came....The baby is almost 3. We had been together for 3 years before that. I used to try to drink with him back then, and , man what a mess that was.

Time kept going, and more and more lies came to light...He promised every week to get a job, to go to rehab, he said he loved me and us, and wanted to be with us, but has NEVER SPENT ONE NIGHT ALONE With his own son. He hasnt spent the night here 2x in a row since I got pregnant.I kept hanging on. He even had other girls... Co dependent much?

He recently attacked me, went to jail, and as a result of the whole mess, he confessed to a number of lies. He had been staying with a girl for 6 months, he had fathered another child, and it was NOT brought to term.... and this was all coming out during our wait for the court date. He was expressing his desire to change, to be there for me, to do right by me....

We both knew I was going to reccommend rehab, and when the day came the court decided on it. When he walked out of there, he called me a betrayer. He said I had fed him to the wolves.

I went out and drank, drove drunk, and when I woke up, I truly knew that IF I LET HIM, he WOULD take me and my son down with him. He does not care about living true happy lives. He is driven by alcohol and only alcohol. He has had the presence to admit that all the lies, tricks, etc, are all to secure his way of life as an alcoholic.

That night when he said that I had betrayed him; I felt that that word was not allowed to come out of his mouth!!! After what I had endured!!!
I drank to numb myself for the last time. When I woke I knew that I had hit my bottom. He would let me lose my soul to continue drinking. He is sick.

Even if I ever re involve myself with him, I will never give him that much. I will always, now, and in any relationship, preserve my sons' mothers' sanity and self esteem before "NEEDING" anybody else that much.

I want to look in the mirror and think of me, not him.

Buffalo66

addendum;


I also obsess. It is hard. I thnk all about the lies...How could I have believed?
What is he thinking right now? Does he even notice that I am not having contact with him?
Does he even care that I was hurt?

The thing for me is this; When I kept calling, and I am still new at this, but, When I was in contact the chaos everday kept me from really feeling what was going on.

Now that I do not have contact...My feelings sort of run around my head, and when they realize he is not there to do that awful dance with they just go to sleep.

They do come back... I have a theory that they will slow down, down, and then just be put to rest. Maybe then I will resume contact, but until then... I cant hear anything he says. I am spinning, and I deserve a break. I deserve to let this all slow down, and remember what it is like to feel like JUST ME.

irelandx7

I wish I could take your hand and say, "Come on, let's go together" because I have the same fears you do. Is there a meeting for Alanon scaredy-cat? LOL

This weekend for me, I thought it was the end of my marriage. AH stayed in a hotel overnight on Saturday. Long story short, he came back, and it's tense, but I think it was a turning point. He went as so far as to tell my boys "Mom doesn't like me anymore, so I won't be around as much." UGH Blaming me, yet again.

Anyway, sorry to hijack. Maybe this weekend was my "bottom." I can look back and think "Oh, how horrible it made me feel" OR I can think "It really was good and helped me realize that I need to take action." At least you're reading, and researching, which is a start. You go when you are 100% ready to go. That's what I have decided, because if I have any doubt in my mind about going, it won't do me any good being there because I won't listen, etc.

**HUGS**

CE Girl

That's where it started for me. The very briefest of moments, the very smallest of steps.

I wanted to be "fixed" right away,,lol,,,,What's up withthe fact I can't?!?!?!?

And I started to seek out help when it was "time".

And yup, the fact I felt powerless to live in the day was a primary motive for pulling myself up by the bootstraps. I suddenly realized, I did not wat to LIVE this way. Which then turned into the alternative. Ummm,,I'm all set with dying right now. he,he,he

Chicken?!?!? Bawk, bawk, bawk,,bigest one there is!!! LOL. After all, I'm a STRONG codie, why do I need to go to an alanon meeting?!?! Man, I sat in the parking lot for what seemed an eternity, and had the car in drive the whole time. FIGHTING with myself. Wanting to bolt, but KNOWING all it would take is walking in the first time. I did. Sat in the back, slumped and hoping noone would notice. But I listened. And when I went back the second time, at least I put the car in park in the parking lot. Still had the dilemna, but not as bad as the first time, cause I had already been there once. Navigated those waters, and was about to get a little wetter,,,

Early recovery for a codie is much the same as it is for the A

You have to WANT it,,,

Peace