catecicc

I just need to vent/scream/cry. I wish sometimes that I could hate him, I really do. I am frustrated. Outside of being an addict my BF is a selfish person. He never learned how to think of others. I can come up with 1354981 excuses for this behavior but in my opinion, selfishness should not have an excuse!!!!! Perfect example. He and I have been away for the past 2 weeks. So this Sunday we come home and I go back to work on Monday. My BF is self-employed so needless to say his hours are his own. So I picked up a 2nd job to help myself save money (whether is just be for the money or to make money quicker just in case I really do need to get the F out quickly). I start back to work at BOTH jobs on Monday and do this straight through until last night. My “real” job is demanding enough and I need to be at my best being I still haven’t been hired. So he informs me that we are having guests come stay with us this coming weekend. GREAT! As if the past two weeks haven’t been enough running around. On top of the fact that I am a lunatic about anyone coming to see us or going out right now being that almost everyone that the BF hangs out with he has used with at some point in the past and I really don’t feel like dealing with that because I am too damn tired to kick myself out of my house this weekend.

Anywho…. now I go into overdrive because I can’t have people to my house with the way it looks. So THREE HOURS later my house is clean, but I am heartsick. The BF spent this time oh-so conveniently in the studio working on music and I turned the house upside down. In doing this I found something. I found a random “Famous Footwear” card on the bar. To the average person this might not mean anything but to the girlfriend of a cocaine addict this makes me sick! I handed the card back to him too tired to start a fight. Unfortunately I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. What now? Is he using again? What do I do if he is?

God, why can’t this just stop?!?!?! Why doesn’t he see what he does? Oh yea, because he’s a selfish B@&%(#RD!!!

Now do I ask if he’s using again or go on the presumption that he is?

It never ends does it? This won’t stop. I have such a hard time with that being my mind set. I did it!! I stopped. It’ll be 6 months this coming Monday. Why can’t he? But he’ll be the first to throw that in my face….”But YOU were an addict” O yea? What the h*ll do you think you are?!?!? I need to gain the strength in me to be the one to change the situation. I need to stand up for me. Do people ever learn to stop caring? That’s what I need. I just need to learn not to care.

HKAngel24

Cateicc-

I always hesitate offering anything at all - because I am so far from where I want to be and would be a hypocrite if I didn't practice what I preach.

I, too, have the same frustrations that you do - being angry with myself because of what I put up with- angry at myself for being angry and it all contributes to a meltdown for me eventually. And then the subsequent anxiety that creeps up when little things happen and we tap into that hyper vigilant state where we're on guard and cannot differentiate between red flags and paranoia.

I don't know that it's easy to stop caring but I PRAY that there is a way I can detach so that I do not hurt anymore. I was able to do it for a few days and must believe that I can believe in my own strength enough to possibly get there again.

You're not alone. My thoughts are with you. Expected another a person to act healthy and than getting angry when they don't AND wondering whether or not they are serious/are maintaining their recovery is the craziness that addiction causes. I am thinking of you.

maddie82

Cateicc-

maddie82

Cateicc-
I'm sorry you're so upset. Living with an addict is absolutely maddening. I'm in the same boat as Heather (above), in that I hesitate to give advice because I don't want to come off as hypocritical. Actually she said a lot of the things that I would say to you. Just know that I understand how you feel and am really sorry for what you're going through. I lived like that for a year and just had another day like that recently (BF is 4 months into recovery but relapsed and used about 3 weeks ago after he moved home).

The only advice I would give is to try and come up with some kind of enforceable boundaries. It took me until my BF was in recovery to do it, but it really does help. For instance, I will never allow anyone he used with in my home and he knows that. I don't care if they are 6 months clean and doing wonderful-his past drug buddies are not welcome in our house and probably never will be. You shouldn't have to kick yourself out of your house. If he's insistent on seeing them, he should meet them somewhere else. If you can't say no or you're just too tired to fight with him, don't feel bad-I received advice on here for months before I followed any of it. Maybe how angry you are this time will help you to say no to them coming over next time.

As for asking if he's using again-if you think he is, he probably is. Unfortunately that usually seems to be the way it goes. My thoughts are with you and I hope you find a way to have relaxing weekend.

ctrom40

You have evey right to vent.... Go ahead...
That's what "cyber-friends" are for...

I am sorry, but I do not understand the "random Famous Foodwear card" reference.

Thanks,
Colleen

catecicc

Colleen,

the card is what he uses to break up the coke into lines to snort it.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. Though you might not think they are, they are to me. It helps to have you people who have been in the same situation or are in the situation currently.

HK--I completely understand where you are coming from. I have followed your "story" and commend you for how fare you have come. I look up to you in a way and hope that someday I have the same strength you do.

Maddie--I need to work like you said on the boundaries. That has been my largest issue with him. Especially after this weekend. Here's the update:

He used again on Friday. I flipped out in front of his friends and needless to say made the situation so much worse. The part that hurts the most is that he saw how broken I was and still chose to spend the night getting messed up with them. I know that isn't him but the drugs talking but it is so maddening being right before these friends came over I asked him if he was going to use tonight and he said no and was "trying". Yea that went right out the window as soon as the stupid b*tch who I told that he was struggling asked him if he could get anything. Well that was like his get out of jail free card. AHHHHHHHHHHHH. Needless to say I was livid. I came home (we were at a club) and put myself to bed. Only to wake up the next morning and get attacked by him about how he's going to do whatever he wants as he's spitting water at me and then throwing his cup. Bulls*t. Finally later he apologizes. But what does that mean to me anymore? His words don't mean anything. I have heard it all one too many times. I'm sick of fighting, I'm sick of crying, I'm sick of the same battles over and over again. I know in my heart of hearts what I need to do, the problem is gaining the strength to actually do it. I wish I didn't love him so much.

greeteachday

It always helped me to try to separate the person from the using addict...because in my view, it really isn't a matter of choice when they are active. Ask an addict in recovery and he or she will tell you that there is no understanidng the insanity, even for them. They have no idea why they do some of the things they do...that's how strong the pull is.

I'm not making excuses for him, for he certainly can choose to stop. But until he actually embraces recovery and a program, not "try" and then surround himself with using friends (who are just as insane as he is) he won't make progress no matter what you say or how much you love each other. It's the sad truth, I believe...love can not conquer addiction and his using truly has nothing to do with you.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Take the time you need to get your head and your heart to the same place. Meetings, both Naranon and open NA, helped me move forward. We understand...we've all been there and each of us has to take little steps each day towards our own recovery. Hugs

nytepassion

been there done that ... and its hard as hell to deal with ...

I quit using and my ex didn't .. and it was then that I got to experience the pain of living with and loving an addict (it helped me to understand the pain that my family experienced when I was active in my addiction) making my amends all the more heartfelt and sincere.

It sounds to me .. that he is not ready to quit using ... plain and simple. He obviously invited people over that use and well even though you explained to this girl that he is struggling she still asked him if he could get anything (typical addict move) can't expect an addict to think about anything or anyone else .. and basically the truth of the matter is he probably did want to get high .. Your the one who didn't want him to .. so in essense he isn't the one struggling with his addiction YOU are .. You are trying to battle it for him ... and you can't ... that is what is so frustrating ... I remember the feelings as if they were yesterday .. and its been many many years since I was in that situation ...

The truth is .. you are powerless where his addiction is concerned.You can't make him stop using .. He will use regardless of how you or anybody else feels about it for that matter .. Its what us addicts do .. thats our job. We've been hired on in the name of addiction and we serve it well .. our job is to feed that addiction and anything or anyone that gets in the way will be treated as an enemy.

You can't help him UNLESS he truly wants help, but still then HE MUST BE RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OWN RECOVERY. You can be supportive, but you can't walk the walk for him .. besides your have your cup filled enough with two jobs and your own recovery... (don't set yourself up for relapse or take on a "if you can't beat em' join em' attitude) I say that because sometimes we want so badly to be close to them and feel excepted by them that we sabotage ourselves over them ..

Walk your walk sweety .. you can't stay behind and wait on him .. it will only keep you stagnant ... believe me, I know.

I say this all the time, "Knowledge is power" learn all you can about his drug of choice (even if it was your drug of choice before) learn all about what it does to the user... learn all about enabling, codependence and be sure to learn about detachment because I promise you it is a life saver ..

Though you were active in your addiction at one time .. now your not and you're bf is .. its a whole other ball game .. and the rules are so different ...

All you can do is take care of you .. You don't have to stop loving him, but you'll have to let him go ..and let God .. first and foremost for you and then for him.

****{Hugs}}}}
Passion

catecicc

Thank you all for your support and words of wisdom. Reading your responses really helps me step out of my denial that he’s okay. I had a looong talk with him about Friday night yesterday. I laid my cards on the table. I hadn’t told him before this that I had been going to meetings. At first I think he felt a betrayed that I was talking about our problems with strangers, but after awhile it seemed to hit home. I explained calmly how much his addiction is hurting me and our relationship. I told him ultimately it is his decision whether to get help or not, but I am no longer going to stand by and watch him do this to himself and us. I have been looking for apartments for myself and spoke with my parents about them helping out monetarily until I get on my feet. (FYI--I moved in with him MA 5 months ago from NJ so needless to say I am kinda stuck when it comes to the living situation). This Friday was my last straw. I am not going to be made to feel like the odd one out in my own house anymore because I am the ONLY ONE WHO IS FIGHTING FOR MY SOBRIETY.

I said that to him this weekend too and for the first time it wasn’t thrown back in my face. I said to him that tomorrow (today) was the first time I can say I haven’t used in my ENTIRE life for 6 months. I would in the past use hard for a couple of months and stay clean for a few and then go back. Today I am proud to say I am 6 months clean and sober and have every intention of staying that way. Come h*ll or high water he won’t take that away from me.

I feel stronger today but not strong enough. I have been reading my "co-Dependent No More" and it really is starting to take hold.

One day at a time....

prairie

Someone said to me once you either DO or you DON'T there is no "trying". Picture yourself sitting in a chair. You either get up out of it or you don't there is no trying to get out of the chair. I think everything in life is like that and since looking at most situations with that thought in my head it has given me many answers.

catecicc

I agree completely. That's what he keeps telling me and I yes him to death. I will not and cannot believe anything that he says until he can show me in his actions that he really wants to remain clean and sober. I am a big "Actions speak louder than word" person. I guess only time will tell.

In the meantime I am going to continue to work on me. I have some work to do on learning how to stand up for myself. I find still despite the strength I have gained so far that I still back down too much to him and let too much go in avoidance of an argument. I come from a family history built by the women in my family feeling that being adequate is equal to having a husband. I need to break away from that. I am an educated woman with a great career but I always feel torn by the fact that I succeed well in my career and fail in relationships. I need a "cate tune-up" 'cause this machine's riding rough!

Elana

(((Catecicc)))
I used to look at my life and say that my career was right on track.. always seemed to succeed at anything I did....

...and if my personal life could work as well as my career how happy I would be!

Now I see the reason my personal life never worked is because I am a co dependent with men but not at work. So......

I kept my career standards and have upped my personal life standards and I no longer NEED a man to make me feel whole and complete. I need to take care of me and me alone.. independent of anyone.

Congratualtions on your clean time. YIPPEE for YOU.
I never used drugs and was never addicted so I have no first hand knowledge of addiction, but I have seen enough addicts to know you have made major progress and need to be congratualted girl! YOU ROCK!

catecicc

I guess the part that makes it easier and more difficult for me to help/be there for my ABF is the fact that I too was an addict at one time. To this day it is so strange to call myself an addict. Honestly, I think this is the 1st post that I have. Each day as an addict is a new battle against temptation. In a way being a recovery addict has helped me understand my BF's mindset. I can relate to the constant struggle and the forced isolation. I get it. What I still grapple with is why it worked for me and why it hasn't for him. I know we are two different people with two different mindsets. For me it was easier to break away from the people I used with as they were "club friends", people who I hung out with only when I was out at clubs. For him it is his entire group of friends. Ultimately he will have to make the decision to choose life or choose them, I cannot make it for him. It's tough for me though now to be around some of the people he hangs out with because I fear the consequences for him. I know I cannot control his decisions, but I still worry. I guess I always will in the same way I still question me.