A little discouraged
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1
A little discouraged
I should be very discouraged, but I'm just a little discouraged. My girlfriend's daughter is an addict to some very serious stuff. She came out to us about six weeks ago. We found out that what we thought was a seizure a few days prior turned out to be an overdose. She had had another at college.
She talked about getting into a three day per week program. We were having none of it given the severity of what had happened. We took her to a local chemical dependency center where she entered a 9-3 program that required she also attend NA or AA meetings. She failed to graduate that one which required two weeks without breaking any major rules. Two days shy of two weeks she failed to show up for the program. She wanted to leave the program. We laid down the law and said we would not enable her addiction. If she did not continue treatment, it was the street for her.
She's like two people. She does well in her meetings, but then there are big blow-ups.
Finally, her counselor convinced her to enter rehab. After ten days there, she almost left. She continued on for another ten days, again doing well.
She had committed to 30 days which is not enough. We wanted her to continue for another 30. There are so many reasons to do it now. She has the time now. We want her to go back to school in the Spring. People advised us to tell her that she can't come home if she leaves now. I thought we should spend some more time trying to persuade her before putting it that way.
Well my girlfriend got on the phone and told her she couldn't come home unless she stayed another 30 days. Now, her daughter is more determined than ever to leave after he first 30 days.
I was pissed off at my girlfriend at first, but now I realize her daughter has been looking for an excuse to leave treatment and use again ever since the start. We had to virtually drag her down to the day program in the beginning. We had to make her go back after she skipped out that day. We had to make her go to rehab in the first place. We had to make her stay after the blow-up after she was there ten days.
It's like dealing with two people, one that gets it and the addict that doesn't and is just looking for an excuse to go back to drugs. A counselor told us that addicts will blame YOU for their using and that's what she's doing.
While my girlfriend could have been more tactful, the fact is that her daughter has never really wanted to get clean. She will try to find a friend to live with and get a job. But maybe she needs to fail again before she will finally stop fighting the people that are trying to help her. Hopefully that failure will not involve an overdose or worse. Every forward step has been the result of our pushing her, but there is a limit to how much we can control her.
She talked about getting into a three day per week program. We were having none of it given the severity of what had happened. We took her to a local chemical dependency center where she entered a 9-3 program that required she also attend NA or AA meetings. She failed to graduate that one which required two weeks without breaking any major rules. Two days shy of two weeks she failed to show up for the program. She wanted to leave the program. We laid down the law and said we would not enable her addiction. If she did not continue treatment, it was the street for her.
She's like two people. She does well in her meetings, but then there are big blow-ups.
Finally, her counselor convinced her to enter rehab. After ten days there, she almost left. She continued on for another ten days, again doing well.
She had committed to 30 days which is not enough. We wanted her to continue for another 30. There are so many reasons to do it now. She has the time now. We want her to go back to school in the Spring. People advised us to tell her that she can't come home if she leaves now. I thought we should spend some more time trying to persuade her before putting it that way.
Well my girlfriend got on the phone and told her she couldn't come home unless she stayed another 30 days. Now, her daughter is more determined than ever to leave after he first 30 days.
I was pissed off at my girlfriend at first, but now I realize her daughter has been looking for an excuse to leave treatment and use again ever since the start. We had to virtually drag her down to the day program in the beginning. We had to make her go back after she skipped out that day. We had to make her go to rehab in the first place. We had to make her stay after the blow-up after she was there ten days.
It's like dealing with two people, one that gets it and the addict that doesn't and is just looking for an excuse to go back to drugs. A counselor told us that addicts will blame YOU for their using and that's what she's doing.
While my girlfriend could have been more tactful, the fact is that her daughter has never really wanted to get clean. She will try to find a friend to live with and get a job. But maybe she needs to fail again before she will finally stop fighting the people that are trying to help her. Hopefully that failure will not involve an overdose or worse. Every forward step has been the result of our pushing her, but there is a limit to how much we can control her.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SoberRecovery.
Sadly, we can't change anyone, codie or addict, until they want to change themselves. And agreeing on what should or should not be said in a situation like this is futile, we all just do the best we can and when we know better, we do better.
Her daughter may or may not stay clean, but that's the case no matter what we say or don't say, or do or don't do, we just cannot control addiction.
What helped me was meetings, live meetings and lots of them. It was there that I began working a program that saved my life, literally. And there is a terrific book called "Codependent No More" that most of us have read and swear by. It's written so well and as if the author, Melody Beattie, has been peeking in our windows. She is a codependent herself, also a recovering addict, a daughter of and married twice to addicts. Grab a copy if you can and you'll find a lot of helpful information.
And stick around, walk with us on our journey, and just know that we're here and we care.
My prayers go out for this girl, that she finds and stays on a good path.
Hugs
Sadly, we can't change anyone, codie or addict, until they want to change themselves. And agreeing on what should or should not be said in a situation like this is futile, we all just do the best we can and when we know better, we do better.
Her daughter may or may not stay clean, but that's the case no matter what we say or don't say, or do or don't do, we just cannot control addiction.
What helped me was meetings, live meetings and lots of them. It was there that I began working a program that saved my life, literally. And there is a terrific book called "Codependent No More" that most of us have read and swear by. It's written so well and as if the author, Melody Beattie, has been peeking in our windows. She is a codependent herself, also a recovering addict, a daughter of and married twice to addicts. Grab a copy if you can and you'll find a lot of helpful information.
And stick around, walk with us on our journey, and just know that we're here and we care.
My prayers go out for this girl, that she finds and stays on a good path.
Hugs
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