prairie

Hi,

I'm new here and trying to sort through everything I've been reading and seeing how it applies to me. I have an AH who was clean and sober for 88 days. He's now back to today being day 2. He relapsed when I was working and wasn't able to come home for about 33 hours. I've since reworked my schedule so that it don't have another shift like that again for a long time.

I guess my question is am I letting him rely on me too much. I know it's not my fault that he fell. I'm working really hard on the I can't fix him and that he's a big boy and needs to make desicions for himself. For my own mental well being I took total financial control of our life yesterday. Then I thought is this just enabling him?

I'm just not sure about the whole boundaries issue and where mine should be.

caileesnana

You said it--he's a big boy and needs to fix ....

It's easy to want to fix it, but believe me, you can't! The more responsbile he is the faster he may recover! It's his problem, not yours, If you want to work 24 on 24 off and sit in the car for 3 days, it 's not your fault he relapsed (even though he may say it is!!)

Better info coming Im sure,
welcome
susan

BrokenWife

I feel your pain..I too try to revolve my schedule around my AH. However there are days when I have to work and he is home. About 90% of the time he drinks on these days and I find him drunk or passed out when I get home. I hate the feeling. When I am at work I can only think about what he is doing and not my job.
But no we can't be with them 24/7. And no we can't control what they do when we are not around. It is a hard feeling. I am up in arms whether to leave or stay. We have only been married a short time but it feels like eternity in my head.. I hope things get better for the both of us.

splendra

Your boundaries are are about what you want and need. If you don't want him laying hands on the money you make then you need to protect it. If he has a job he is responsible for his pay check. You many want him to pay his share of the bills and ask him for his share then if he pays than what he does with the rest of his money is up to him...if he does not pay and instead spends all of his money on dope you may want to have a boundary in place that you will not support him and that you want him to find his own place. You might want a boundary in place that says he will not use dope around you. With this in place he may not come home when he is on a binge but at least you do not have to witness it. If he does go out to use and you decide you do not want a partner who chooses this you may decide he has to go...

If they get locked up for possession or DUI we may decide that we will not post bail then we may have to also decide not to accept their calls from jail.

If we decide to put a boundary in place and they do not adhere to it then it is not a boundary if we allow whatever to go on. WHen they know that we have a boundary in place we can expect that they will push on it to see if we are just talking or if we really mean it.

Wascally Wabbit

Boundaries are what define who we are and, what is not who we are. It's what we will do and what we will not do. It's how far we will go, and where we stop.
Boundaries are for OUR protection, not the addicts.

Boundaries also must come with consequences. These consequences can fall on either side of our boundary. If I say, No, I will not give you money today, and the addict reacts in a negative way, and I give in because of his behavior, I have let the addict cross my boundary, and my consequence is, now I have less money, and have just taught the addict that I will not enforce anything I say. And, let me add that they are very resourceful in that area.

If I enforce my boundary, the consequence to the addict is they simply aren't getting money from me! They will have to find it some other way.


If we don't set boundaries and decide how far we will go, we will get dragged along with them in the chaos, drama, and possible financial ruin.

Defining "Am I helping or am I enabling" puts it into perspective.
Helping is doing for someone something they can not do for themselves.
Enabling is doing for someone something they can, and should be doing for themsleves.

We can't make them better no matter what we do or how much we spend.
I hope this helps a little.

CatsPajamas

Good stuff before me!

From the Show Lifestyle Makeovers – How to Set Personal Boundaries


Step One — Self Awareness

The first step in learning to set boundaries is self-awareness. For example, pay close attention to the situations when you lose energy, feel a knot in your stomach, or want to cry. Identifying where you need more space, self-respect, energy, or personal power is the first step.

Another way to identify your boundaries is by completing these three sentences with at least 10 examples.

1. People may not ___________.

Examples
• Go though my personal belongings
• Criticize me
• Make comments about my weight
• Take their anger out on me
• Humiliate me in front of others
• Tell off-color jokes in my company
• Invade my personal space

2. I have a right to ask for ____________.

Examples
• Privacy
• A new hairstyle from an old stylist
• Peace and quiet while getting a massage
• Help around the house
• More information before making a purchase
• Quiet time to myself

3. To protect my time and energy, it's OK to _________________.

Examples
• Turn the ringer off on the phone
• Take my time returning calls or e-mails
• Change my mind
• Bow out of a volunteer activity
• Cancel a commitment when I'm not feeling well
• Reserve a place in my home that is off-limits to others

Step Two — Setting Your Boundaries

Start setting simple but firm boundaries with a graceful or neutral tone. This will feel uncomfortable at first but, as you take care of yourself, the personal power you gain will make it easier.

1.Be sure to have support in place before and after each conversation

2.Vent any strong emotions with your partner before having your boundary conversation.

3.Use simple, direct language. Here are some examples:
To set a boundary with an angry person:
"You may not yell at me. If you continue, I'll have to leave the room."

To set a boundary with personal phone calls at work:
"I've decided to take all personal calls in the evening in order to get my work done. I will need to call you later."

To say no to extra commitments:
"Although this organization is important to me, I need to decline your request for volunteer help in order to honor my family's needs."
To set a boundary with someone who is critical:
"It's not okay with me that you comment on my weight. I'd like to ask you to stop."

To buy yourself time when making tough decisions:
"I'll have to sleep on it, I have a policy of not making decisions right away."

"I want you to know that I won't be making a decision today. I'd like to gather information"

To set a boundary with a hair stylist:
"I love what you've done with my hair, but I'm ready for a change. I'd like to talk about a new hairstyle."

To back out of a commitment:
"I know I agreed to head up our fundraising efforts, but after reviewing my schedule, I now realize that I won't be able to give it my best attention. I'll need to bow out. I'd like to help find a replacement by the end of next week.

To set a boundary with an adult child who borrows money:
"I won't be lending you money anymore. I love you and you need to take responsibility for yourself."

4.When setting boundaries, there is no need to defend, debate or over-explain your feelings. Be firm, gracious and direct. When faced with resistance, repeat your statement or request.

5.Back up your boundary with action. Stay strong. If you give in, you invite people to ignore your needs.

Step Three: Strengthen Your Internal Boundaries

One of the reasons that women take things personally is because they have weak "internal boundaries." An internal boundary is like an invisible shield that prevents you from taking in a comment without checking it out first. For example, when someone accuses you of being arrogant, you stop and consider the statement *before* taking it in.

When you use this internal shield (especially with difficult people like an ex-spouse or critical parent) it gives you time to ask yourself the following three questions:

• How much of this is true about me?
• How much of this is about the other person?
• What do I need to do (if anything) to regain my personal power or stand up for myself?

This last question is very important. Too often women neglect to stand up for themselves by avoiding confrontation and end up weakening their internal shield, making it harder to set boundaries at all. So, if someone offends you, it may be necessary to let them know in order to protect and strengthen your internal boundaries.

prairie

Thanks everyone. I think I'm on the right path with some stuff, the walking away, insisting that I do not deserve to be talked to in certain ways. I'm working on doing things just for me and insisting on that time.

As for the financial stuff yes he still has a job somewhat thanks to me. He went through so much money that anything extra that is left over after the bills are paid go to repay that. Credit card, savings, retirment funds. He went on his own and got a loan to consolidate some of this debt which was promising in my eyes. He was showing signs of being responsible that way.

My faith was being restored and I was hopeful...and it all went bad fast. So now I'm trying to learn more.

BigSis

Taking financial control when your partner has behaved in an "out of control" manner is not enabling... it is responsible.

What I tried to focus on was what I wanted.

In life. From a relationship. From work. From my kids. From my relatives.

What do I want? A joyous life.



Once I boiled it down to that simple sentence, it helped guide me in many of my actions.


((hugs))

devastated

I don't think your schedule was the cause of his relapse. He relapsed because that's the choice he made.

Unfortunately, we can't babysit all the time. There just comes a time when they have to learn to make good choices.

As far as taken over the finances goes, you made a good choice there.

Hugs, Devastated

hello-kitty

A good friend of mine sent me this explanation of boundaries and it made a huge difference in my life. Perhaps it will help you too...

What are boundaries? One possible answer is the setting of limits for yourself.
Example: We need to set limits on what we shall do to and for people. We need to set limits on what we will allow people to do to and for us. The people we relate to need to know we have boundaries. It will help them and us. This is not to suggest we become tyrants or absolutely inflexible. But we can understand our own limits and, as we grow and change, we may want to change our boundaries. Examples of boundaries common to codependents who are recovering:

1. I will not allow anyone to physically or verbally abuse me.

2. I will not knowingly believe or support lies.

3. I will not allow chemical abuse in my home.

4. I will not allow criminal behavior in my home.

5. I will not rescue people from the consequences of their alcohol abuse or their or their irresponsible behavior.

6. I will not finance a person s alcoholism or other irresponsible behavior.

7. I will not lie to protect you or me from your alcoholism, addiction, compulsions, and obsessions.

8. I will not use my home as a detoxification center for recovering alcoholics.

9. If you want to act crazy, that s your business, but you can t do it in front of me.
Either you will leave or I will walk away.

10. You can spoil your fun, your day, your life - that s your business. But I won t let
you spoil my fun, my day, or my life.

11. I will set a special boundary if I feel it s necessary to a particular relationship.

12. I will set up boundaries, and in doing so, I will make sure they are my own
boundaries.

Clues to some boundaries: things we are sick of, can t stand, or make threats about. Mean what you say; say what you mean. Be serious. Be consistent. Don t feel guilty. Stick to your boundaries. People may get angry, threaten us, try to get us to feel guilty, or just not believe us. Guess what? They do this because they can t use or abuse us anymore. Enforce your boundaries. Tell people what boundaries are - once, quietly, in peace. Then watch your tolerance level. It s worth it. I am worth it. We are worth it.

rahsue

thanks for that cats,,,, I like things like that kind of like a guideline for me to follow

prairie

You guys are amazing! So much good info and how you stay so positive is insperational.

Now comes the tough part. I gotta do all this. I think I'll pick a couple of things and really start to put them into practice all the time.