I did it
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Georgia
Posts: 85
I did it
Hi All,
I have posted here many times with the same ole song about what I have been through with my abf--the love of my life since high school (1980), his enabling mother, his siblings who lives with him (one who he found dead in the family bathroom last year from complications of crack abuse).
Getting to the point, of course I fell off the wagon again after my last post, took him back....but this time I did something that I never thought I could do because of how much I still love him.....After telling him we were over, I blocked him from one of the frequent usual ways he talks to me....the internet. He frequented chat rooms when I reunited with him 5 years ago...but did not know how much and to what extent (i.e. long-term long distance friendships with other females)....until after a few months, about the same time I discovered he was a polysubstance abuser as well as still drinking much more beer than when I knew him years ago.
Through all this, I stayed with him, allowing him to be who he was....he stayed away on payday weekends. I believe he was using in his mother's basement and with his brother who passed away last year. I gave him money for beer and gas when his mother and sister or whoever did not....letting him stay overnight at my house, cooking together, hiking together with my kids....but the cycle of cocaine, marijuana and heroin and meth abuse on the pay day weekends and other random weekends just wore me down. I found myself getting isolated from my family, friends with him always having mood swings and lying about coming over for the pay day weekends...he would show up at my door the next morning looking like he had been up all night with dark circles under his eyes, then crash on my couch and sleep a long time...then wake up and raid my refrigerator and act agitated and excitable when he did not have beer......I continued to let this go on and on for the last 4 years until now.
This internet block seem such a big deal, but it is a very significant move for me because he has always stressed to me he has been online for 6 years and does not like to call women or make calls unless he has to....yeah I know its wierd but I accepted it over time because since he lives with his mom and sister/kids, the phone access is limited. Yes, he called me when I first came back to town some of the time when he needed gas money or a ride when he ran out of gas (this was before I realized I had become a money crutch)....so now, he still works and is e-mailing me now. It is so hard not to anwer them and before the day is over we end up hurling insults and ugliness and arguing and guilt trips, etc. So I guess my next step is to block the e-mail address too.
Well I really guess I wanted to vent because I did tell him clearly I needed space and to stay away, but it was not clear to him at first because he started "dropping by" before work "to get a hug and see my pretty face"...so I told him to stop overstepping my boundaries....now he says well "when you came back to town 5 years ago you should have healed your divorced spirit before damaging mine"....(I'm thinking a total cop-out, because I was I failed to realize he was a recovering addict, he is blaming me for our break-up).
Anyway.... I am just trying to keep our no-contact status with no compromise....and it is hard...I miss him, his smile, his embrace....but only mostly when he is sober, and that is the part I am tortured by....it's like I am addicted to the addict. Over time, I have become increasingly jealous, paranoid in our relationship. He has convinced his mother and sister that I am crazy and have made him crazy (when they both know and conceal and enable him)....They still dont answer the phone when I call and act avoidant when I used to visit recently. When I confronted his sister about it she says that she and the kids retreat to their rooms when they think he is using. His mother is disabled and is strongly convinced I am too jealous and "not good for him"....(a joke).
Because I live in a small gossip town, I have avoided attending support groups and this is the closest thing to one ...and I am so grateful for this site...it is truly therapeutic and does a lot for me, as I have done lots of research on drug and alcohol addiction. I know I have lots more to learn but I am glad about what I do know so far.
I have posted here many times with the same ole song about what I have been through with my abf--the love of my life since high school (1980), his enabling mother, his siblings who lives with him (one who he found dead in the family bathroom last year from complications of crack abuse).
Getting to the point, of course I fell off the wagon again after my last post, took him back....but this time I did something that I never thought I could do because of how much I still love him.....After telling him we were over, I blocked him from one of the frequent usual ways he talks to me....the internet. He frequented chat rooms when I reunited with him 5 years ago...but did not know how much and to what extent (i.e. long-term long distance friendships with other females)....until after a few months, about the same time I discovered he was a polysubstance abuser as well as still drinking much more beer than when I knew him years ago.
Through all this, I stayed with him, allowing him to be who he was....he stayed away on payday weekends. I believe he was using in his mother's basement and with his brother who passed away last year. I gave him money for beer and gas when his mother and sister or whoever did not....letting him stay overnight at my house, cooking together, hiking together with my kids....but the cycle of cocaine, marijuana and heroin and meth abuse on the pay day weekends and other random weekends just wore me down. I found myself getting isolated from my family, friends with him always having mood swings and lying about coming over for the pay day weekends...he would show up at my door the next morning looking like he had been up all night with dark circles under his eyes, then crash on my couch and sleep a long time...then wake up and raid my refrigerator and act agitated and excitable when he did not have beer......I continued to let this go on and on for the last 4 years until now.
This internet block seem such a big deal, but it is a very significant move for me because he has always stressed to me he has been online for 6 years and does not like to call women or make calls unless he has to....yeah I know its wierd but I accepted it over time because since he lives with his mom and sister/kids, the phone access is limited. Yes, he called me when I first came back to town some of the time when he needed gas money or a ride when he ran out of gas (this was before I realized I had become a money crutch)....so now, he still works and is e-mailing me now. It is so hard not to anwer them and before the day is over we end up hurling insults and ugliness and arguing and guilt trips, etc. So I guess my next step is to block the e-mail address too.
Well I really guess I wanted to vent because I did tell him clearly I needed space and to stay away, but it was not clear to him at first because he started "dropping by" before work "to get a hug and see my pretty face"...so I told him to stop overstepping my boundaries....now he says well "when you came back to town 5 years ago you should have healed your divorced spirit before damaging mine"....(I'm thinking a total cop-out, because I was I failed to realize he was a recovering addict, he is blaming me for our break-up).
Anyway.... I am just trying to keep our no-contact status with no compromise....and it is hard...I miss him, his smile, his embrace....but only mostly when he is sober, and that is the part I am tortured by....it's like I am addicted to the addict. Over time, I have become increasingly jealous, paranoid in our relationship. He has convinced his mother and sister that I am crazy and have made him crazy (when they both know and conceal and enable him)....They still dont answer the phone when I call and act avoidant when I used to visit recently. When I confronted his sister about it she says that she and the kids retreat to their rooms when they think he is using. His mother is disabled and is strongly convinced I am too jealous and "not good for him"....(a joke).
Because I live in a small gossip town, I have avoided attending support groups and this is the closest thing to one ...and I am so grateful for this site...it is truly therapeutic and does a lot for me, as I have done lots of research on drug and alcohol addiction. I know I have lots more to learn but I am glad about what I do know so far.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Godsgirl,
Good for you for taking some steps towards doing what is best for you.
Question for you though, who is it that you are protecting by not going to in person support groups, you? him?
Well, if you live in a small town, odds are that people already know what he is all about anyway, right? Besides, support groups such as Alanon (if that's what you are referring to) are supposed to be 'Anonymous'.
If however you really feel that attending support groups in your town is not what's best for you, try the next town over! Nothing should prevent you from getting the help that you desire for 'you'.
In the meantime, yup! This place is great for seeking information, assistance, and support as you try to get on the road to your own recovery. Keep coming back.
Good for you for taking some steps towards doing what is best for you.
Question for you though, who is it that you are protecting by not going to in person support groups, you? him?
Originally Posted by Godsgirl 
Because I live in a small gossip town, I have avoided attending support groups and this is the closest thing to one ...
If however you really feel that attending support groups in your town is not what's best for you, try the next town over! Nothing should prevent you from getting the help that you desire for 'you'.
In the meantime, yup! This place is great for seeking information, assistance, and support as you try to get on the road to your own recovery. Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Congrats on taking steps to protect your life. I hope you find some of what you are looking for in here. I know I did.
I have to second ICU's question about not going to meetings for fear of the gossip. You have done nothing wrong and have done nothing to be ashamed of. I would be a shame to deprive yourself of the help and support you could gain at AlAnon because you are afraid of gossip.
I've never lived in a small town so really don't understand what it might be like. But I do know that once I was open with my friends and congregation about what was going on with my AH, I receive great support because everyone already knew about my AH and his drinking problem. I had been depriving myself of help and support from those I knew best and who cared about me. Perhaps you would find the same sort of circumstance?
I have to second ICU's question about not going to meetings for fear of the gossip. You have done nothing wrong and have done nothing to be ashamed of. I would be a shame to deprive yourself of the help and support you could gain at AlAnon because you are afraid of gossip.
I've never lived in a small town so really don't understand what it might be like. But I do know that once I was open with my friends and congregation about what was going on with my AH, I receive great support because everyone already knew about my AH and his drinking problem. I had been depriving myself of help and support from those I knew best and who cared about me. Perhaps you would find the same sort of circumstance?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Before I entered the doors of Al Anon, I was worried too. Although we lived in a big city, my ex and I were pretty high profile at that time.
Guess what? NO one asks you who your qualifier is. They welcome you with open arms. You don't have to say a thing, you can just listen. The first month or so, all I did was walk in, sit down and cry for an hour. And it was the best hour I spent. I learned so much about life on the other side.... and now I embrace it!
Good luck!
Cats
Guess what? NO one asks you who your qualifier is. They welcome you with open arms. You don't have to say a thing, you can just listen. The first month or so, all I did was walk in, sit down and cry for an hour. And it was the best hour I spent. I learned so much about life on the other side.... and now I embrace it!
Good luck!
Cats
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
