hmbld

When is the best time to start marital counseling? Is it best to do your own thing for a while before jumping head on in to trying to resolve what's a wreck as a couple? Or is it better to do it in conjunction with individual counseling?

Wascally Wabbit

I would imagine the best time is when you feel the need.
Is your h ready to go to counseling with you?
If he isn't maybe you could go by yourself to get help for yourself.
Is he an addict or alcoholic? You could go to alanon meetings too.
These are just some ideas. Good luck.

hmbld

Well, the need is definitely there.

He is an alcoholic, is doing an intensive outpatient program as well as AA at least 5 nights a week. He's been sober about 3 months now.

He is ready to go to counseling (but am I?)

I guess what I'm trying to grasp is, if it would do more damage than good going to counseling at this point because I have a LOT of anger, hurt, resentment that I keep at bay. I'm trying to figure out if I need to get a grip on it before I unleash the flood gates on him with marital counseling.

I'm not really sure at what point in an alcoholics recovery they get heavy in to acknowledging and making amends for all of the damage they've done. He's doing very well in his program, and I don't want to get ahead of myself in my expectations.

It all needs to be addressed at some point, we both know that. I'm sure there are issues he has with me that I need to fix and make amends for, but I know if he were to even broach that subject with me, I'd flatten him. (not really physically flatten him, more figuratively speaking).

Any real life experiences with any of this would be greatly appreciated.

hmbld

That is a great analogy. lol Ever so fitting. Thanks!

irelandx7

Your fear of marriage counseling is the exact same fear of going to Alanon. I know I WANT to and HAVE to to salvage myself. Do you attend Alanon meetings? If not, maybe that would help with your feelings about the marriage counseling.

Barbara52

It sounds like individual counseling might be a good idea and thru that therapy you will come to know if and when couples counseling is the right thing for you.

hmbld

I really don't have a fear about going to Al-Anon, it had just never occurred to me to go until now, because after all, I wasn't the one with a "problem" he is. I've now evolved to where I know that isn't the case, I have my own set of problems. I plan on attending a meeting Friday.

I don't really fear marriage counseling either, so much as trying to guage the most appropriate time to go.

denny57

There is an Al-Anon small book called "Living with Sobriety." There are some meetings in my area devoted to it. The central office could let you know if there are any in your area.

hmbld

Thanks.

LaTeeDa

First of all, I don't believe counseling will ever "do more damage than good." (Unless, I suppose you had an incompetent counselor) It sounds to me like individual counseling would really help you deal with your anger, hurt, and resentment. Those are your issues, not your husband's. You may go to couples counseling at the same time, or wait till later, that's totally up to you.

I have noticed a tendency for spouses of alcoholics who get sober to start to expect 'amends' or expect them somehow to 'make up' for all the things they 'did to us.' I am not criticizing or judging you on this, it happened to me, too. Once my husband got sober I had this fantasy about him humbly asking for my forgiveness and proceeding to 'make it all up to me.' Eventually, I realized there was nothing he could ever do that would make it all up to me. I also realized that in a way, I was hoping for him to change into some completely different person than the one I had known drinking. Talk about unrealistic. It slowly dawned on me that he was always going to be the same person, with many of the same personality traits--drinking or not. It also became clear to me that it takes two to make a dysfunctional relationship, and who was I to expect him to make it up to me when I was just as much a part of the problems we had as he was.

We did couples counseling and individual counseling to try and sort it all out. In the end, it turned out for me that I had chosen to spend 20+ years with him for all the wrong reasons. Reasons only I am accountable for. As my mind began to clear and I learned I have worth, I found I could no longer be in a marriage with him. I ultimately changed (for the better, I think) too much. We are better individuals than we were as a couple.

Just my experience,

L

irelandx7

Oh, what I meant was, your fear of marriage counseling is like my own fear of attending Alanon. Sorry, I should have made better sense!

(BTW, there is a meeting tonight and I'm scared to death!!)

hmbld

My expectations out of marriage counseling is to be able to communicate better, nothing more. I think the rest is of our issues are better dealt with individually, which can be communicated appropriately through marriage counseling. Does that make any sense? I just don't think I'm at the point where I can communicate appropriately, so I think I'll defer the marriage counseling until I can get my head screwed on straight, as it tends to be in different places and all over the place at this point.

I realize I can't change him, I have no desire to change him really. What I am not certain of, is who I am and what I really want, and what I really need.

It's all a bit bizaare right now, because since he's been going to his Intensive Outpatient Program and AA, he's now the sane (well saner) one, which is sort of like living a Twilight Zone episode. Not that it is bad, it is good, it's just odd.