spinner

Hi, this is my first post here but I've been lurking for months and getting a lot from your posts. Sorry if this is looooooong.

I've known my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and finally figured out after about a year that he was an alcoholic. I felt pretty stupid when I finally realized what was going on as if I should have recognized it sooner but I had no experience with alcoholism. After things got really bad last summer he agreed in the fall that he needed treatement and he went off for 7 weeks of detox and treatment last winter which was absolutely excellent.

He's been sober for 6 months now and I believe he is really committed to never drinking again. He realizes that it would probably kill him. He goes to AA almost every day and has good friendships and a good sponsor he can really talk to. His relationships with his children have improved. His oldest is also an alcoholic and he is trying to help her admit her addiction and get help.

All that stuff is very good but...

He has his own business but is only working occasionally. He is consumed by anxiety (one of the main reasons he drank). He has many financial problems but procrastinates about doing anything about them.

He wants to move in with me (we lived together for a month after he came out of treatment) but I have said not until he is self-sufficient. I feel mean about this but I think I need to protect myself. While he was drinking I lent him a lot of money which he has no means to pay back. He is currently living rent-free in an apartment that his parents own. They are pressuring him a bit (or he thinks they are) to move out so they can rent it.

He still does the same old things of promising he will do something, visit, make dinner etc. and then doesn't do it, cancels at the last minute etc.

I am feeling very discouraged and sad that he is not making more progress. I am thinking of leaving him for my own happiness but it breaks my heart to see him floundering. A couple of years ago when I met him I was also suffering from anxiety and agoraphobia but because I wanted to do things with him I got treatement and worked hard and now I'm confident and enjoying life again. So I know what it's like to be down and that impovement is possible. When I think of leaving him I feel like a mean cold-hearted person. I am a caring person (read co-dependent!) and I like to think I will help out any of my friends in need.

Next week I'm taking a 4 day course for family of alcoholics/addicts run by the same place where he had treatment. I'm hoping for some answers.

Has anyone had a similar experience? How long do I wait for things to change, or am I just seeing his real personality finally? I can't believe that he accomplished the things he did before his addiction really took hold if he was behaving the same as he does now. He says he started drinking when he was 15 and he's now 51.

I have been going to Al-Anon since January and found it a wonderful help.

I'm feeling sad and lonely home alone again tonight.

Spinner

Barbara52

What I've read in here most often is to wait until they have been sober for at least a year.

My first impression is that he needs to work on all the other areas that cause you and him problems. You mention he can't be depended on, that he's not financially stable, etc. These are red flags to me and I would be very concerned about them.

As for whether you should end the relationship, only you can make that decision. That course may help you alot to understand and be better informed and there better able to reach the decision that is right for you.

irelandx7

Welcome!

It sounds like he carries all of the characteristics that he had when he was drinking, sans the alcohol. "Dry drunk" I believe they call it. He seems to be still manipulating you, which is an old habit to break since he's done it for so long.

I would encourage you to stay strong for yourself, and not give in to his demands. Who's to say if you let him move in, that that tells him "Oh, I got her now, I think I'll have a drink", kwim?

Maybe after you take your course you can gain new insight to your situation. **HUGS**

ICU

Some excellent thoughts have been shared already.

It sounds like his lack of actions, and his financial issues are of concern to you, and in my opinion, you are absolutely right to be concerned. They are red flags for sure! And if they bother you now, they will more than likely bother you even more if living under the same roof together.

You might want to think about how long you would consider giving the situation time to resolve itself, say 3 - 6 months and then reevaluate before making a final decision either way. 3 - 6 months is long enough to see if there's any progress on his end, but it's not wasting 'too much' of your time. At least that way you can say you were 'caring enough' and gave it a 'fair shake' if it doesn't turn out to your satisfaction.

Besides, if you were to take him in now, it would deny him the opportunity to learn how to be more responsible and take care of his own affairs without depending on someone else to bail him out and rescue him. Perhaps that's a good thing for both of you, no?

SaTiT

lower you expectations.

my gf didn't even manage to make doctor appiontment until
after she was six months sober. There's other medical issue
she also has. Her alcoholism just masked it. Even then she
struggle to just cope. There's also a lot of wreackage
cuase by her drinking and other bad habits.

would she ever be her old self again ? ...I hope not.
Is she functioning like she did ten years ago...no
Her health issue prevents her from doing so.
She suffers from all kinds of medical conditions
that effects her, mentally, physhically and emotionally.

Is she trying to the best of her ability today?...yes
is it as good as it was as yesterday...depends how i perceieve it.
She's well in so many ways than she use to be.

I promise myself i wouldn't fix things for her this time.
She's working on her own pace..so I can't complain.

Are things the way i wish them to be?...not even close
I don't think , I'll ever get the townhouse or the Mustang back
no matter how many times she tell's me she's sorry.

Life changed..we can't go back.

Has your BF talked to a doctor ?

spinner

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

Today he was supposed to come over and do some work using tools he left at my house. However, he didn't sleep well so he couldn't do anything all day except go to his meeting. Sigh... At least he is going to meetings. Maybe that's all he can do right now.

I'm not going to give in and let him live with me.

One thing that bothers me a lot is that he doesn't want me to tell anyone what his problem is. I told my parents and my best friend last winter anyway and got some relief from sharing my problems with them.

However, when he is not working and his customers ask me where he is and why he doesn't return their calls I have to deal with it. If he had a bad heart or cancer everyone would be supporting him but he thinks because he is an alcoholic he has to hide it from everyone. I realize it's his choice whether to tell people or not but it's hard for me to not tell my friends why I am feeling bad. Any ideas on that subject?

I could have gone to Al-Anon tonight but I am fed up with the whole business so I lay on the couch and watched Jeopardy with my 4 cats. Thank goodness for pets!!

Spinner

Barbara52

Yes, just why is it you have to cover for him? That's what you are doing you know. Let him answer for his own behavior.
You are shielding him from the consequences of his choices if you deal with his customers and not make him deal with the ticked off customers.

spinner

I don't think I am covering for him. If someone comes to me asking about him I tell them to phone him or I pass on a message. I don't make up excuses or anything like that. I have told him that I'm tired of dealing with his customers, specially when they threaten legal action!

Today he's supposed to come over and use the tools at my place but I'm not holding my breath - I will be out all day working somewhere else (mostly I work at home).

I woke up this morning thinking about how I still love this man. I guess I'm just crazy!

I'm looking forward to the family course next week. I was supposed to take it in June but my mother died and I couldn't go.

Spinner

spinner

Hi everyone. I was looking this old post and realized that BF still hasn't been over to work on the stuff at my house. Well, he was supposed to come Sept. 14 and it's now Oct. 3.

In fact, I hardly hear from him at all. Last week I saw him 3 times at music events we both attended, but that was all. We didn't really talk much. I get the feeling he's avoiding me. I'm hoping he is concentrating on his recovery and his business and I wish him well.

OK, so now I've decided we don't have a relationship any more and I am feeling very sad. I'm grieving all the hopes I had for the future that I don't think is ever going to happen.

Saturday I will be going to a meeting of a volunteer group we both work with. Only he has done NOTHING for them for a long time although he has not told them he wants to quit either. He said to me "I'm not wasting my time with that **** any more". I know they will be asking me at the meeting where he is. I will say "I have no idea" but it is still embarassing as if his behaviour is a reflection on me. I try to hold my head up high and believe they will judge me on my behaviour alone but inside I am feeling humiliated.

One of my good friends is a man I have known since high school (30 years wow!). I tried for many years to love him but we will just remain friends. He is the kind of man I should be with: hard working, stable, compassionate, ready to do anything for a friend, physicallt fit, financially stable. Why can't I fall in love with someone like that?

On the plus side, the program for family of alcoholics/addicts was amazing. There were 8 women in our group and it was 4 days of very powerful stuff. Very emotional but lots and lots of information and getting our feelings out and realizing that we are important too. We have aftercare for 5 weeks. This week was an excellent 2 hour lecture on concurrent disorders and next week we have a lawyer coming to answer questions.

Yesterday I was clearing out my mother's clothes to give to charity. The good ones will go to the thrift store that helps support the hospital where I did the family program and BF did rehab.

On the way home from my mother's place I got a $100 parking ticket while I stopped at the bank machine for 2 minutes. The parking guy was very insulting. I just took the ticket and left and burst into tears and cried all evening.

Still sad and lonely and missing my mother

Spinner

Pick-a-name

Thanks for the update,Spinner. You sound good.

I'm sorry about your mother and that you miss her. I miss mine,too but it's not like sadness very often anymore....it gets easier for me to remember her in the good times and with happier memories. I never know when something will remind me of her, and now (20 years later) it is usually a blessing....kinda like a little "visit" with her. I hope you will come to have those moments,too.

((Spinner))

rkymtncowboy

I am crazy also, The short answer to when they will quit is when they hit bottom. We don't know when and they don't know when. I have been waiting for over 5 years and am about done. Here is the 1 mile view of what my AW has been through:

December 2002, Called hospital telling her nurse friends she was taking Tylenol with codeine and drinking tequila for pain.
Nurses called the cops and they took her to the hospital.
Entered nurse program early 2003.
Did a two week out patient program.
Relapsed Nov 2003
Did a one month in patient program.
Relapsed Feb 2004
Did a 3 1/2 month program.
Made it one year 9 months sober.
Falsified 12-step reports.
Administered Narcotics in violation of monitoring agreement.
Fired from nursing job Dec 2005 and kicked out of nursing program.
Jan 2006 started drinking.
Jan 2006 was totally out on respirator for 8 days, not confirmed but probably alcohol.
Apr 2007 started drinking again.
July 2007, Alcohol Hepatitis, and Pancreatic, had a 7 % chance of surviving., just over a one month stay in hospital.
Now not drinking but not going to AA.

I think she hit bottom but don't know if I want to stay around and find out.

She is very lucky to be alive and kicking!

Sorry about your Mom that makes this harder.

steve11694

So what he has anxiety!!! Many of us have anxiety but don't need to drown it in alcohol.

His parents need to lay down the law and give him a crystal clear notification of the date he needs to vacate their apartment, or the date he must pay rent or be thrown out by the police.

Lets not forget, it is the negative consequences that motivate, at least initially, the alcoholic to get their act together.

Anything and everything can become an excuse to drink. Basically thats all it is, excuses. The bottom line is they NEED to drink cause they are addicted.

You should not become the substitute enabler/caretaker replacing his parents

steve11694

You have all of my sympathy. What hell to be going through, for everyone in your family including the alcoholic. Is it not mind boggling what some alcoholics can go through before they decide to stop drinking,,,,, or continue drinking.

rkymtncowboy

Sorry Spinner not trying to hijack your thread, just hold your ground and make sure you don't enable him by making it easy. I do know a lot of people who have finally got it with out a deep bottom and are living great now. You just never know.