Jomey

HI guys...I need some advice...or should I say even more advice!?! I am dealing with a mini-crisis here with the kids...it is an ongoing thing and has some work yet to do to be resolved...I know I am working in the right direction on it, but here's the trouble with me...

It's wearing me down and I realized it's because I do not have the "luxury" of forgetting about the problem while drinking in the evening, or sleeping it off over night. This is probably the first time in 5 years that I have had to find another way to deal with something on-going like this sober. It is breaking my heart to see my littlest one cry - they have to switch schools and he doesn't want to, but it will be better for them in the end -and I am at wits end with myself for not being able to forget about it for one minute of the day.

I am keeping active, going to meetings, etc., but I haven't been able to figure this one out yet. I am praying my head off, but no answers yet...

How did yall handle it the first time you faced something like this sober? I don't cope very gracefully with unresolved issues, and there is a certain amount of time that this is going to take that I can't control. Hmmm....control issues... more to think about I guess?

Any advice to this ramblin' post will be greatly appreciated!!!

best

Children are made of rubber...they bounce.
Tears and dealing with things as a child like a move... they bounce back faster the adults do. He/She will be stronger for it as well. Encourage them as needed... New school, new friends(more friends) and stop your worry about things that shouldn't be worried about. They will grow from the experiece, not be harmed.

Jomey

Thanks best, I needed that. You are so right, I am actually taking them away from a somewhat harmful situation by doing this...I am very new to sobriety (29 days today) and my emotions are all over the place. It's hard to remember what's normal. Worrying is something that got me into drinking in the first place, and I am getting councelling from my pastor, but, as luck would have it, he is away for the next three days, so I am a bit disconcerted. Thanks a lot for helping me "get my undies out of a bunch!!!!!!!!!"

Astro

I was going through a divorce in early sobriety, our family broke up, I moved out and a new guy moved in with my ex and kids. I felt like I was losing my mind, I was so concerned about their well-being that at one point I started worrying about how I was going to pay for cars and weddings for my kids. Pretty insane, considering they were 7 & 9 at the time!

Children are incredibly resilient. Heck, they bounced back faster than I did! The tears turned to smiles over time, as they realized that the love and bond we share together is more important than anything.

If my primary purpose as an alcoholic is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety, then my primary purpose as a parent is to love my children and focus on the relationship we have. Crying and tears are all part of the process.

Tazman53

Jomey take a step back for a little bit, just find a quiet spot and relax, breath slowly.

Now ask your self is there anything you can do to change him being upset?

If there is then do it.

If there is nothing you can do then accept that and leave the resolution in your HPs hands.

This is what is refered to in the rooms as "Turning it over".

In early sobriety this is very hard to do, we used to either worry our selfs sick over something we had no control over or we "Turned it over to the bottle"!

In time turning it over gets easier as we realize that our lifes and those around us lifes get easier due to this.

Worry breeds anger and fear and the whole thing turns into a vicous cycle.

DO you have a sponsor yet? If you do give her a buzz, tell her what is up and ask her about "Turning it over".

Rowan

Congratulations on 29 days, Jomey. I'm proud of you. You can do this.

Jomey

Hey guys thanks for all the great sharing...it makes me feel a lot better. Taz, as always, you come through in the clutch for me. I do not have a sponsor yet, I went to a meeting on Monday and I really liked the group. I am going again tomorrow and I am hoping to ask a woman to be my temp. sponsor. I listened to her a lot on Monday and I am really hoping she will be there tomorrow, because I liked her serenity and, it seemed, she had an ability to think logically in clear steps...in other words, the exact opposite of me at the moment!! Anyway, I will try reading some more about "turning it over" - seems like the AA equivalent of the old Catholic phrase "Offer it up" - I will try both this afternoon Esp. after yoga class...hmmm..looking forward to that!

Rowan...thanks for saying you are proud of me. That means a lot to have someone say that.

SaTiT

Changes i hard for everyone...especailly an alki trying on new shoes.
Children are like sponges, the absord what they see.

honestly, I don't act any different then a child when I go through
changes, becuase I'm a human being...being alki I actually have a
slight handy cap then a child.

The stage in between the to doors..
The process of struggling
The stage of being a cocoon

Getting out from my old comfortzone is like pulling teeth.
I feel powerless over everything becuase changes that are happening
are not my chioce...my old way is to chose to stay in my comfortzone.

I'm actaully one of those that will kick, fight and cry.
I'll cry for days until I get tired. Sometimes I'll cry in my sleep.
This how I become still. I process my pains and accepted life
on life's term. then for a while are was nothing..
then something great happened..I got transform, my perception changed,
I grew up. the vail was removed. I see things in a new light.


Communication is key. As long as I know I'm loved.

Jomey

Astro...I wanted to take a little time to absorb all the stuff in your post before I responded...first of all, thank you for sharing.

I liked a lot of what you said, esp. the part about tears turning to smiles and being all part of the process. I am amazed by how numb I have been. I always told myself when I was drinking that since I was "only" drinking in the evening, I was "ok" the rest of the time. I didn't realize how being drunk every day, even if only for a few hours, was chaging me. I have to learn how to feel again, and, part of those feelings are guilt for how much I have shortchanged my kids.

It's hard to see them upset now, because I am upset with myself for what I deprived them of when I was drinking. Astro, I have a ton of work to do, and I want to say a great big thank you to you and everyone else for helping me along. I know I will figure this out, but, I don't know how I would do it without you guys, AA & HP.

Astro

I can sooooo relate to those feelings. But in being the best possible parent I'm capable of being, I'm making a living amends to my children. That's a gift in itself.

Often I feel guilty and cheated out of time with my children, my plan wasn't to have joint custody, I miss them so badly on the days they're with my ex. On the days that we're together, I try to focus entirely on them, we hug each other alot and express our love for each other. Hopefully that's God's will for me. And I couldn't do it without God and AA either. I'm very grateful for my sobriety.

Dee74

Lots of good advice here Jomey...it's hard dealing with 'life', but we can all do it
I know you can
D

parentrecovers

just try to take it one thing at a time, jomey. hugs, k

SaTiT

Oridinary stayed where he was. He wactched an unfamilar bug crawl across the toe of his shoes. Strange birds flew by over head.

After a while, he stood and looked longingly toward the unknown. Somewhere out
there was his Big Dream.

But getting from here to there seemed way too hard.
Then he looked longingly back toward the familar. He fondly
remembered all of his comforts. There was something wonderful
about nothing happening.
Ordinary pick up his suitcase and decided to take a step in that
direction, just to see what it felt like.
It felt better. Right away, his breathing came easier.
So he took another step- just to see what that step
would feel like.
It felt even better.
He went on. With every step BACK toward the middle of familar.
Ordinary grew more comfortable. But he quickly notice he was growning
sad again. He Knew why: With each step he took, he was leaving his
big dream behind.

Then he heard the dream giver again
"WHY ARE YOU GOING BACK?"

Ordinary stopped "becuase i was afraid!, leaving the familar feels
too scary and too riskey"

DreamGiver "YES IT DOSE"

ordinary" but if i was suppose to do this big dream, then I'm sure
I wouldn't feel so afraid"

" YES, YOU WOULD" said the dreamgiver " EVERY NOBODY DOSE"

ordinary hung his head. he thought for a moment...
"but YOU could take away the fears..Please take the fear
away". he begged "if you don't, i can't go on"

"YES, YOU CAN "the dreamgiver said
"TAKE COURAGE, Ordinary"..and the dreamgiver was gone...

How do you take courage, when you don't have any ?
Ordinay decided, if his fear wasn't going to leave, he would have to
go forward in spite of it.

Still trembling, he pick up his suitcase, truned his back on familar
Even though his fears kept growning. Ordinary shut his eyes and
took a big step FORWARD- right through the invisible wall
of fear.

Jomey

Thanks guys...like D said, facing life is hard..but being a drunk is harder.
Hugs for everyone!

Anna

Hi Jomey,

I know how hard it is to see your kids suffer. My advice is to hang on and get through it. It's tough dealing with real-life issues when you don't have the luxury of numbing the feelings away.

When I was about two months sober and still feeling really raw, my 19-year old daughter was confronted by a man who she didn't know. He told her he had been stalking her for months. He continued to follow her and steal information about her life. I was terrified. I couldn't imagine getting through this and wondered why it was happening and why now. The police were no help at all and we ended up moving her to another apartment, in the middle of the night. At some point, I realized that if I could get through this, everything else would be easy. Each time you get through something you get stronger and better at dealing with the next situation that comes along.

Jomey

Oh, Anna, I can not even imagine the terror that must have struck you! Thanks for sharing that painful story...It makes me realize that I can get through this, too, and I thank you also for describing your early recovery as "raw"...that's so dead on as to how I feel. All I can say is thank you for sharing.. what is that old saying? "that which does not kill us makes us stronger" right? thanks again!

Pinkcuda

Promise #11
"We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us."

It seems like you're not alone in this one. My answer to your situation has already been posted. Kids bounce!

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

The greatest gift that I have been given in sobriety, is to know that I am doing my very best as a mother. My kids are sooo much happier with a Mom who's always available to them now.