Elana

Focus.

What an important word that is! If you are a photographer and you try to market images that are not in focus, you won't sell a lot. If you are a photographer and the subject is out of focus, you won't do well either.

Here in recovery we are taught to take the focus off the addict and put it on ourselves. At first this is the hardest thing in the world to do and most of us have to refocus every day and throughout every day to work this. If the addict is living with us, taking the focus off them and what they are doing is very difficult. If the Addict is behaving in a manner directly detrimental to us, such as stealing from us or abusing us either emotionally or physically, refocusing off the addict and onto ourselves is nearly impossible. These situation require us to make very hard choices. If we cannot focus on ourselves because we must sleep with our check book or because we are afraid physically afraid, the only choice may be physically separating ourselves from the proximity of the addict for our own safety or financial stability. This choice, in these situations, is better made sooner than later.

Yet, even if the addict is not currently in our house or in our lives, we still need to focus on ourselves and what we are doing. Even for those who have completely separated physically and emotionally from the addict, and have not seen the person in years, the focus on self is ongoing work. In situations such as these, where the addict is not physically present, focus on self is thought to be easier and, while it can be easier, it often is not.

Some days it seems extremely difficult to stop thinking about the addict in our lives. We come across trigger after trigger and end up in a whirlpool, even after months, or even years, of living on recovery road. This whirlpool can be diffcult to escape. If we are practiced with our recovery tools we can escape it most of the time.. but other times we swirl around and around.. not being sucked back in exactly, but not detaching well and getting out either. It is at these times we probably need to get to a meeting or drag "CoDependent No More" off the shelf and read or engage in an activity that takes up all of our mental energy to accomplish with no room for outside thought.

So, today, how are you doing on your focus? Are you pointing your camera lens at the right subject (yourself and your needs and your happiness) and is the image sharp and clear or are you pointing the camera somewhere else and neglecting your own self image?

DoingWell

I divorced my husband of 16 years after a hellish run with crack cocaine, he's now 15 months clean and sober but it's still a work in progress for me to remember I need to focus on myself and raising our two girls. We now co-parent our kids and live a block from each other. The thought that him going off to use again or slipping back into active addiction no longer terrify's me like it did and NOT because we are divorced but because slowly I had detached from the addiction and I'm in a spot where any relapse or split he has will not really touch me. Yes it will effect my kids but we three (me and my girls) have sat down and created a strategy plan.. a Plan B so to speak. We do NOT ignore the possibility of a slip, but we don't dwell on it either or we go right back to the days where anxiety ruled our lives.

Elana

I brought up this topic because yesterday was complete trouble for me. With the anniversary of 9/11/2001 came the anniversary of my first financial involvement with Steve, my XABF. He was traveling in the Southwest as a photo assistant to a friend taking pictures of Slot Canyons. He called me and asked for money. It was the first time he asked me for help, and codie that I am I jumped in with both feet and helped him. Just before the 9/11 attacks, he made that call.

Of course, after the 9/11 attacks he again called for money because he now could not fly home.. and had to extend his car rental.

After he came back we got more and more involved and eventuall it became romantic as well.

Yesterday evening I was sitting in my living room with the news on reminding us all of the devestation of 9/11/2001. I was watching the TV he left when he moved out and it sits in the stand he left with the TV. This is next to the China Cabinet he also left which is next to my maple dining room table surrounded with the six dining room chairs he also left.....

The memories were pretty overwhelming. As much as I would like to toss all the furniture he left here, I cannot because I need it and I cannot replace it.

So, for awhile yesterday my camera was not focused on my well being but on what he did throughout the last 6 years and with that came the little pitty party I had for what he did to me.

Today I am better. I have taken my camera and turned the lens around and back on me. I am working at this again with fresh vigor and I will be fine. I have to be fine because I do not like the other choice at all.

I have new resolve.. I am going to do some things to my house to change its interior look and make it better and also different from how it is now.. and how it has been for 2 years. I am going to make it MY house, in spite of the furniture. Fact is, I may replace some of the pieces with used pieces from "moving" sales etc. I am certainly going to change the locations of the furniture and do some painting and stenciling and wall papering. This is MY house. It is time I made it look like MINE.

DoingWell

Sometimes we have to have those little pity parties as long as we don't stay too long <g>
It is ok to get like this from time to time because it reminds us of how far we have come.
Just the other day my daughter reminded me that next year she begins filling out college applications and can't wait.. My heart is heavy as I know the time will come where I have to tell her the money is not there (xhb squandered it on crack)
But I will be sure to tell her that I and her now recovering dad WILL move heaven and earth to put her through college as long as it's what she wants and works WITH us.
I have to admit though I did stay in that pity party for a day or so really beating him up in my head along with beating myself up for feeling I had helped him do it. But then I said this is just one more area of focus I have to go through.. focus .. what a great topic. My focus now is to just keep working my ass off and doing my part to make sure college is within reach for her and I will do it. I just have to keep the focus on me and not on the xhb as his recovery is none of my business, if he helps me and maintains the same attitude with this, we'll just be doubly blessed.

We are all allowed to throw these pity parties from time to time. allow it for yourself and then move on.