Wondering What If Anything I Should Do
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Wondering What If Anything I Should Do
As most of you know my AS got out of wk release about 6 wks ago because my dad let him use their address even though he is not living there. He is living at a friends sub-letted apt that my parents pd $1000 for on Aug 3rd ( Rent & Security ). He found a job selling cars within walking distance. He started on a Monday. That Sunday I went to visit him & he was really down. He eventually told me he was fired yesterday ( Sat ) for taking a car off the lot without permission ( he has no license ) I asked him why he did such a stupid thing & he said so I could take it to show Pop ( my dad ) so he would help him buy it. So now he has no job & naturally did not have the rent he needed on Sept 9th. Finally my parents said no about something, and would not give it to him so he had to move out. They also said no to letting him live there. He then found a friend to take him in but now everytime he needs to go either on a job interview or to get a new photo id which he lost he calls my dad & if I don't go or ask his brother to go my dad who is pushing 88 will do it.
Yesterday I didn't want my dad to have to run so I asked my younger son to take him. My dad though walked almost a mile to get a photostat of my AS's paystub that he said he needed to get the id...............my mom then tells me he had to stop 5 times on the way there cuz he was short of breath......my younger son got there in plenty of time to take my dad, if he only had waited. This situation is causing so much stress & anxiety everyone is fighting. I even hung up on my dad after yelling that if he wouldn't have let him use the address he would be in wk release & none of this would be happening.
Now today my AS claims to have a job interview for another job selling cars. Again my dad is going to take him. Next Wed he has to report for parole & again my dad plans to take him.
When my younger son got home from school last nite he told me about his seeing his brother. He said he looked terrible and acted worse. Was very paranoid, starting fights with people walking or driving by for looking at him. Younger son thinks AS is going to kep leaning on my dad to take him places until my dad gets so tired he will give in & buy him a car............................my younger son is probably right.
The only way I can stop this is to call his Parole Officer myself & report him for falsifying his address..............this would probably send my son back to jail but then at least my dad would stop running for him. I am sitting here trying to get up the courage to do something like this. I am telling myself that not only would it help my dad but it would help my AS as well. Because at the rate he is going he is going to either die from an overdose or get into trouble again.
Then on the other hand I tell myself to do nothing but give him to his HP & let his HP work it out.
I am posting this to ask everyones opinion on to what would be the best thing to do?????????
Diane
Yesterday I didn't want my dad to have to run so I asked my younger son to take him. My dad though walked almost a mile to get a photostat of my AS's paystub that he said he needed to get the id...............my mom then tells me he had to stop 5 times on the way there cuz he was short of breath......my younger son got there in plenty of time to take my dad, if he only had waited. This situation is causing so much stress & anxiety everyone is fighting. I even hung up on my dad after yelling that if he wouldn't have let him use the address he would be in wk release & none of this would be happening.
Now today my AS claims to have a job interview for another job selling cars. Again my dad is going to take him. Next Wed he has to report for parole & again my dad plans to take him.
When my younger son got home from school last nite he told me about his seeing his brother. He said he looked terrible and acted worse. Was very paranoid, starting fights with people walking or driving by for looking at him. Younger son thinks AS is going to kep leaning on my dad to take him places until my dad gets so tired he will give in & buy him a car............................my younger son is probably right.
The only way I can stop this is to call his Parole Officer myself & report him for falsifying his address..............this would probably send my son back to jail but then at least my dad would stop running for him. I am sitting here trying to get up the courage to do something like this. I am telling myself that not only would it help my dad but it would help my AS as well. Because at the rate he is going he is going to either die from an overdose or get into trouble again.
Then on the other hand I tell myself to do nothing but give him to his HP & let his HP work it out.
I am posting this to ask everyones opinion on to what would be the best thing to do?????????
Diane
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
If you are calling his PO for you.. to try to stop the chaos on your life.. to help YOU.. then CALL.
When I am going to take action I look at why I am doing it. If I am doing something to control someone else, then my motives are ill placed. If I am doing something to help me have a better and less stressed life, my motives are in the right place.
Everyone has choices. Your sons have choices about using drugs. Your Dad and Mom have choices about enabling your son. You have choices about getting involved or not.
((((Diane))))
When I am going to take action I look at why I am doing it. If I am doing something to control someone else, then my motives are ill placed. If I am doing something to help me have a better and less stressed life, my motives are in the right place.
Everyone has choices. Your sons have choices about using drugs. Your Dad and Mom have choices about enabling your son. You have choices about getting involved or not.
((((Diane))))
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Hi Elana, Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post & for your answer................I know I'm a slow learner when it comes to anything emotional and I also know it gets old.
I would be doing it to protect my elderly parents from his constant demands.............they are not strong enough emmotionally to say no to him especially my dad.
He just called & thank God for caller ID I didn't answer the phone.
I stll don't know what I'm going to do yet if anything...............I'm praying about it.
Love,
Diane
I would be doing it to protect my elderly parents from his constant demands.............they are not strong enough emmotionally to say no to him especially my dad.
He just called & thank God for caller ID I didn't answer the phone.
I stll don't know what I'm going to do yet if anything...............I'm praying about it.
Love,
Diane
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
IMHO helping my father would outweigh my recovery. Being that he's pushing 88 chances are he'll die before your son and because of your son. Again IMHO turn your son in. I know it's hands off the addict but I would protect my father. Sorry if this goes against all I've learned here but since losing my father I have a soft spot for dads, my brother was a heroin addict and I believe he added to my dads stress which may have helped cause his heart attack.
good luck and prayers to you
good luck and prayers to you
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: CT
Posts: 1
Then on the other hand I tell myself to do nothing but give him to his HP & let his HP work it out.
Diane[/QUOTE]
I too was an enabler for my AS. Still am in fact. Still running around helping him pay off his drug debts so my house won't be targeted. Learning how to detach though and letting go.........and letting God. Although it was the hardest thing to do I had to tell my elderly father of 73 not to help my addict out with money, etc.
My AS has a doctorates degree in badgering to get what he wants. He is like a pit bull who gets his teeth into something and just won't let go till he gets it. We gotta learn to give them to their HP. I know how hard it is. I am still there with you.
Diane[/QUOTE]
I too was an enabler for my AS. Still am in fact. Still running around helping him pay off his drug debts so my house won't be targeted. Learning how to detach though and letting go.........and letting God. Although it was the hardest thing to do I had to tell my elderly father of 73 not to help my addict out with money, etc.
My AS has a doctorates degree in badgering to get what he wants. He is like a pit bull who gets his teeth into something and just won't let go till he gets it. We gotta learn to give them to their HP. I know how hard it is. I am still there with you.
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Thanx Rahsue, and itsonlyme, I did tell my elderly parents a million times not to help my AS BUT they do not listen to me.
My AS is the same as yours itsonlyme, he also has a PHD in Badgering.
Thanks for answering my posts.
Confucious says " When you don't know what to do, do nothing " so until I feel an inner peace about this I am not going to act.
Thanx Again,
Diane
My AS is the same as yours itsonlyme, he also has a PHD in Badgering.
Thanks for answering my posts.
Confucious says " When you don't know what to do, do nothing " so until I feel an inner peace about this I am not going to act.
Thanx Again,
Diane
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
If turning him in and having him back in jail relieves you of the stress of worrying about his demands on your Father (and therefore on you), then you would be doing this for you (and your Father would be helped too).
At 88 you are not going to change him (my Dad is 85. Nope.
Not going to change and the worst of it is he is now slipping mentally).
At 88 you are not going to change him (my Dad is 85. Nope.
Not going to change and the worst of it is he is now slipping mentally).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Rozied,
Will this craziness ever end. You folks are much to old to be dealing with all of this stress. My mom is 89 and I don't tell her a thing about my daughter. As far as she knows my daughter is still going to school. lol My MIL is 85 and in very good health, she knows nothing about my daughter either. When she asks I do not give out any info. They do not need this in their golden yrs. It is just too bad that your son contacts them and keep them in this madness. I think I would be so mad at him for doing that, that I would turn him in just so he would let them alone.
I don't mean to sound harsh but I work with the elderly and I have a very soft spot for them.
Sending you mom hugs..............Lo
Will this craziness ever end. You folks are much to old to be dealing with all of this stress. My mom is 89 and I don't tell her a thing about my daughter. As far as she knows my daughter is still going to school. lol My MIL is 85 and in very good health, she knows nothing about my daughter either. When she asks I do not give out any info. They do not need this in their golden yrs. It is just too bad that your son contacts them and keep them in this madness. I think I would be so mad at him for doing that, that I would turn him in just so he would let them alone.
I don't mean to sound harsh but I work with the elderly and I have a very soft spot for them.
Sending you mom hugs..............Lo
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Rozied, you know I love you and care and can relate because I've been there.
With lots of love in my heart, I just have to say LEGGO, LEGGO, LEGGO, EVERYBODY LEGGO.
Your addict son is not causing all the chaos, those who are trying to help a person who cannot be helped are.
Let him take a bus or walk 10 miles if need be. If he wants a job he will get one, if he wants to keep a job he will obey the rules, if he wants to use drugs he will do so, no matter how many people are driving him how many places.
Sweetie, LEGGO.
If everyone just stepped out of his life for a week or two, I promise you that everyone would feel healthier and be happier.
Okay, I know I can't fix other codies either, I need an Anon-Anon meeting. Want to come?
Seriously, it's time to put the brakes on and let him find his own way (in more ways than one).
Love ya Hugs
With lots of love in my heart, I just have to say LEGGO, LEGGO, LEGGO, EVERYBODY LEGGO.
Your addict son is not causing all the chaos, those who are trying to help a person who cannot be helped are.
Let him take a bus or walk 10 miles if need be. If he wants a job he will get one, if he wants to keep a job he will obey the rules, if he wants to use drugs he will do so, no matter how many people are driving him how many places.
Sweetie, LEGGO.
If everyone just stepped out of his life for a week or two, I promise you that everyone would feel healthier and be happier.
Okay, I know I can't fix other codies either, I need an Anon-Anon meeting. Want to come?
Seriously, it's time to put the brakes on and let him find his own way (in more ways than one).
Love ya Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
Diane,
Sending you hugs and prayers. What your son is doing is elderly abuse, and he could end up in jail for that too. Please listen to what your HP is telling you to do. I would do whatever I could to protect my parents, if I was close to them. If it was my MIL I would walk over coals for her, to keep her safe.
Your parents do not deserve this in their lives, nor do we, but you have to do what YOU feel is best for YOU and your parents. I know it is hard to do something that could hurt your child, but it just might help him in the long run.
Sending you prayers and hugs
Sending you hugs and prayers. What your son is doing is elderly abuse, and he could end up in jail for that too. Please listen to what your HP is telling you to do. I would do whatever I could to protect my parents, if I was close to them. If it was my MIL I would walk over coals for her, to keep her safe.
Your parents do not deserve this in their lives, nor do we, but you have to do what YOU feel is best for YOU and your parents. I know it is hard to do something that could hurt your child, but it just might help him in the long run.
Sending you prayers and hugs
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
I called my mom & my dad left at 9am to drive AS to 3 job interviews. He only got back at 3pm. I said to my mom " Boy he must be tired " then she replied " Someone has to do it " I said " No mom noone has to do it " then she got angry.
I called my sister to tell her what was going on & she also thinks we should report him to his Parole Officer. She then said she'd call if I didn't have the guts. Her & her hubby are coming to visit tomorrow & we are going to talk about it then.
This all has me quite upset.
Thanks to everyone for your posts.
Love,
Diane
I called my sister to tell her what was going on & she also thinks we should report him to his Parole Officer. She then said she'd call if I didn't have the guts. Her & her hubby are coming to visit tomorrow & we are going to talk about it then.
This all has me quite upset.
Thanks to everyone for your posts.
Love,
Diane
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Delaware
Posts: 201
I think the best thing for you to do is not involve yourself. The situation is out of control. Everyone needs to sit on their hands where your son is concerned. I think your mom has the greatest intentions. She is trying to help. What she does not realize is how much that hurts the situation. If she and your father drive him, well sorry, feel bad for them but that was their choice. He has options. He had options when he drove the car off the lot and lost his job. He had a great job. He could walk to. But his bad choices left him in a bad position. But they are his positions not yours. He is a victim of his own circumstances.
As for the PO stuff. I think you need to sit on your hands. Your sister needs to sit on hers. You two get involved and again it just gets messier. I understand her wanting to help you and it is very kind she wants to call for you, but, that solves nothing. It makes a really bad situation worse and makes you feel like crap.
I would sit down and say a pray. Ask that higher power to give you the strength to love him enough to let go. Pray for him, your parents and your family and include yourself. But stay out of it.
Major hugs. Because you know what I so understand how your feeling. It is like being caught between a rock and a hard place. No matter what you do or not your crapped on. But you are doing nothing wrong. Let it go… let it all go.
Say lots of prays then start taking care of you for a change.
(((Diane)))
keep the faith....
-Broken
As for the PO stuff. I think you need to sit on your hands. Your sister needs to sit on hers. You two get involved and again it just gets messier. I understand her wanting to help you and it is very kind she wants to call for you, but, that solves nothing. It makes a really bad situation worse and makes you feel like crap.
I would sit down and say a pray. Ask that higher power to give you the strength to love him enough to let go. Pray for him, your parents and your family and include yourself. But stay out of it.
Major hugs. Because you know what I so understand how your feeling. It is like being caught between a rock and a hard place. No matter what you do or not your crapped on. But you are doing nothing wrong. Let it go… let it all go.
Say lots of prays then start taking care of you for a change.
(((Diane)))
keep the faith....
-Broken
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 204
My xhb was in and out of jail/rehabs/detox's. was assigned probation. I knew he was tampering with his urine testing with probation.. and I wanted so badly to blow the whistle on him, however I didn't. At the advice of my then sponsor I just literally "got out of the way"
Eventually he got it and knew he was just faking it the entire way and got honest by himself, he turned himself in the final time and off to jail for 6 months he went.
If I had turned him in before he was ready, he just would have resisted and denied more treatment and it would have built more resentments. If I had turned him in, I know in my heart of hearts it was only out of vengence and resentment, it turned out that by LEAVING it alone, I was allowing him to come to the right conclusions on his own. I'm not saying yours will.. I'm just sharing my own experience. It caused me too much stress to keep doing what I was doing, I had to really GET OUT OF the way and out of line of fire.
Eventually he got it and knew he was just faking it the entire way and got honest by himself, he turned himself in the final time and off to jail for 6 months he went.
If I had turned him in before he was ready, he just would have resisted and denied more treatment and it would have built more resentments. If I had turned him in, I know in my heart of hearts it was only out of vengence and resentment, it turned out that by LEAVING it alone, I was allowing him to come to the right conclusions on his own. I'm not saying yours will.. I'm just sharing my own experience. It caused me too much stress to keep doing what I was doing, I had to really GET OUT OF the way and out of line of fire.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Rozied, Somehow your dad gets something out of what he is doing or he would not be doing it. Let it go like Ann said. If your dad passes away or becomes physically unable to help, then maybe your son will do something about his life. Right now he doesn't have to and there is nothing short of tying your dad up and taking him to a place far away that will stop what he is doing. You know you can't do that (although you would probably like to
) Hugs, Marle
) Hugs, Marle
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hello my friend,
My vote: Do nothing, and I mean nothing...no contact, no rides, no involement. He will be picked up soon, he is in violation of his probation...he will be caught...he is lucky the owner of the car dealership didn't call the cops for grand theft auto, I would have.
Roz, you are way too involved in your sons life, he is 40, not 4, time to back off, let the chips fall where they may, and that includes your parents, you are not going to change them, their enabling behavior, time to change yours, if need be, cut off contact with your parents for a time, you have a life of your own, you have a husband who is an asset to you, a lodgical thinker, a person who truly loves you and has your best interest at heart...listen to him, make your life with him your priorty.
Now is the time to plant your feet flat on the ground and stand by your husbands side, supporting him, his and your needs, and putting everyone else on the back burner, be honest, he doesn't deserve to live with all this chaos, nor, do you....you are the pivot point in this whole mess, stop turning, stand firm, do the right thing for you, for your marriage, your life.
Let go....hands off the addict, there is no other answer.
Love,
Dolly
My vote: Do nothing, and I mean nothing...no contact, no rides, no involement. He will be picked up soon, he is in violation of his probation...he will be caught...he is lucky the owner of the car dealership didn't call the cops for grand theft auto, I would have.
Roz, you are way too involved in your sons life, he is 40, not 4, time to back off, let the chips fall where they may, and that includes your parents, you are not going to change them, their enabling behavior, time to change yours, if need be, cut off contact with your parents for a time, you have a life of your own, you have a husband who is an asset to you, a lodgical thinker, a person who truly loves you and has your best interest at heart...listen to him, make your life with him your priorty.
Now is the time to plant your feet flat on the ground and stand by your husbands side, supporting him, his and your needs, and putting everyone else on the back burner, be honest, he doesn't deserve to live with all this chaos, nor, do you....you are the pivot point in this whole mess, stop turning, stand firm, do the right thing for you, for your marriage, your life.
Let go....hands off the addict, there is no other answer.
Love,
Dolly
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
For all who have posted since I last answered Thank You.
You all have given me very good advice. I will do nothing and get out of the mess totally.
When you take yourself out of the way it allows your HP to work.
BrokenBridges that was a great answer and helped me to see things more clearly.
Doing Well & Marle thanks for your great advice & support.
Dolly what can I say you are right on as usual. My hubby deserves better than the chaos my 2 sons create. From now on I am putting him first.
I will stay out of it & let the chips fall where they may.
Love,
Diane
You all have given me very good advice. I will do nothing and get out of the mess totally.
When you take yourself out of the way it allows your HP to work.
BrokenBridges that was a great answer and helped me to see things more clearly.
Doing Well & Marle thanks for your great advice & support.
Dolly what can I say you are right on as usual. My hubby deserves better than the chaos my 2 sons create. From now on I am putting him first.
I will stay out of it & let the chips fall where they may.
Love,
Diane
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Botttom line is that we can only control our own behavior and accept the rest
Letting others work out their relationships among themselves usually is the
best policy. I find when I get out of the way things turn out as they will that
I am lightened of the burden of thinking and trying to manage it. I must remind myself that I am not the boss of anyone. In your dad's thinking he is getting "his part" out of his relat.w/ your son.
Letting others work out their relationships among themselves usually is the
best policy. I find when I get out of the way things turn out as they will that
I am lightened of the burden of thinking and trying to manage it. I must remind myself that I am not the boss of anyone. In your dad's thinking he is getting "his part" out of his relat.w/ your son.
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