need support for family
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
need support for family
I posted over the weekend, but it got lost. I'll try to summarize, but my posts are usually lengthy. Also, I usually post of the F & F of Alcoholics, but that relationship is now over. My sister, though is another story.
My sister lives with my parents and has a history of using meth.
Long story short, she was clean and doing well, but now her behaviors are starting
to show that she might be using meth again. My sister has a 3 year old also living with my parents.
Well, my sister also has this new boyfriend, who is homeless and separated from a wife and 3 kids. He flops around from friend to friend's houses at night and while my mom was out of town my dad started letting him stay at their house. He thought this would help my sister stay there, too and talk care of her daughter.
Now my mom is back (with my grandma) and put a stop to the guy staying there.
Needless to say, my sister doesn't stay the nights there anymore either. My sister quit her job, sometimes takes my niece to pre-school, usually my parents do it, sometimes she picks her up from school, but again usually it's my parents doing it.
My sister leaves when she wants to and returns sometimes a few days later after fighting on the phone with my mom and telling her she'll be back at whatever time. It never happens. My dad is letting my sister use a car to pick up the guy and take him to odd jobs and back to a friends house.
The fear is if my parents take the car away, my sister will take my niece and leave anyway. My parents won't kick out my sister because of the safety and security of having my niece there. My mom is so angry and resentful toward my sister. She doesn't know what to do anymore. My dad is still somewhat in denial about the drug use because he can't prove anything. Needless to say, my parents are worn out physically and mentally. If it wasn't for my niece in the picture, my sister would be out of the house.
How do I help my mom the most? I've suggested to her that it may be time to let go and get help for herself. She says she will after my grandma leaves.
Is this just another part of my own recovery? Letting go of what I can't fix for my parents? I'm hurting too for my parents and niece, but still trying to live each day for myself, too.
My sister lives with my parents and has a history of using meth.
Long story short, she was clean and doing well, but now her behaviors are starting
to show that she might be using meth again. My sister has a 3 year old also living with my parents.
Well, my sister also has this new boyfriend, who is homeless and separated from a wife and 3 kids. He flops around from friend to friend's houses at night and while my mom was out of town my dad started letting him stay at their house. He thought this would help my sister stay there, too and talk care of her daughter.
Now my mom is back (with my grandma) and put a stop to the guy staying there.
Needless to say, my sister doesn't stay the nights there anymore either. My sister quit her job, sometimes takes my niece to pre-school, usually my parents do it, sometimes she picks her up from school, but again usually it's my parents doing it.
My sister leaves when she wants to and returns sometimes a few days later after fighting on the phone with my mom and telling her she'll be back at whatever time. It never happens. My dad is letting my sister use a car to pick up the guy and take him to odd jobs and back to a friends house.
The fear is if my parents take the car away, my sister will take my niece and leave anyway. My parents won't kick out my sister because of the safety and security of having my niece there. My mom is so angry and resentful toward my sister. She doesn't know what to do anymore. My dad is still somewhat in denial about the drug use because he can't prove anything. Needless to say, my parents are worn out physically and mentally. If it wasn't for my niece in the picture, my sister would be out of the house.
How do I help my mom the most? I've suggested to her that it may be time to let go and get help for herself. She says she will after my grandma leaves.
Is this just another part of my own recovery? Letting go of what I can't fix for my parents? I'm hurting too for my parents and niece, but still trying to live each day for myself, too.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Addiction truly is a family disease and I'm sorry your family is so disrupted by all this.
Sadly, there is nothing we can do to save an addict from themselves. And likewise for your parents, although perhaps inviting them to a meeting and sharing what you have learned with them may help them, if they are willing.
It's always the children that concern me most, they are the innocents in all this. Sometimes it is in their best interest for someone to get temporary guardianship over them to protect them from the dangerous lifestyle that goes with addiction. Again, this is a personal choice, but I know it's a difficult one I had to make. I could not get custody of my grandchild because my son is my foster son and I have no legal rights, but Children's Aid did put my grandchild in a safehouse where she was protected until her mother got back into recovery and showed herself capable of caring for this child.
My heart and my prayers go out to all of you, it's hard watching someone we love destroy themselves.
And I am glad you posted again. We had a crash on the weekend that lost a few days posts.
Hugs
Sadly, there is nothing we can do to save an addict from themselves. And likewise for your parents, although perhaps inviting them to a meeting and sharing what you have learned with them may help them, if they are willing.
It's always the children that concern me most, they are the innocents in all this. Sometimes it is in their best interest for someone to get temporary guardianship over them to protect them from the dangerous lifestyle that goes with addiction. Again, this is a personal choice, but I know it's a difficult one I had to make. I could not get custody of my grandchild because my son is my foster son and I have no legal rights, but Children's Aid did put my grandchild in a safehouse where she was protected until her mother got back into recovery and showed herself capable of caring for this child.
My heart and my prayers go out to all of you, it's hard watching someone we love destroy themselves.
And I am glad you posted again. We had a crash on the weekend that lost a few days posts.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Falling Waters, WV
Posts: 150
it tears me up.......
You know, everytime I hear about another child involved in situations like this, it just rips my heart out. In my case, the state of WV was no help in assiting me with getting any legal paperwork for my grandchildren. I was told that I could file paperwork for myself, paid $45.00 and took the paperwork to the court house only to be told that I had no rights to these defenseless children. Needless to say, I had to be escourted out of the courthouse because not only did they steer me wrong, they tell me I have no rights to these children but yet the state was willing to let them live in filth, drug invested and unsafe conditions.
Anyhow, I would have your parents contact an attorney to see what steps they need to take to ensure the safety of the child. I know many times I had told my AD that I was going to remove the children from her home she would just tell me that she would run with them and I would never see them again. Of course, I laid low for about a month, waited for a phone call telling my that my grandchildren were in danger and went to remove them from her home. She has so messed up on drugs, she never even cried!! I have had these two ever since.
Although, this is a road that I suggest no-one takes because after they are in your home -- the state wants no part of it and are unwilling to help. You may have your parents talk to a case working and explain the situation to see if they would be willing to place the children with your parents because of a drug problem.
Other than that, I have no other advice, except love that baby and let her know she is save while in your parents home.
Anyhow, I would have your parents contact an attorney to see what steps they need to take to ensure the safety of the child. I know many times I had told my AD that I was going to remove the children from her home she would just tell me that she would run with them and I would never see them again. Of course, I laid low for about a month, waited for a phone call telling my that my grandchildren were in danger and went to remove them from her home. She has so messed up on drugs, she never even cried!! I have had these two ever since.
Although, this is a road that I suggest no-one takes because after they are in your home -- the state wants no part of it and are unwilling to help. You may have your parents talk to a case working and explain the situation to see if they would be willing to place the children with your parents because of a drug problem.
Other than that, I have no other advice, except love that baby and let her know she is save while in your parents home.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
Sometimes I believe they truly don't care! Ignore it and it will go away. But, it's not. There is a whole generation of defenseless kids who will grow up far worse than their parent and society is to blame! You have to have a licence to drive, but anyone can have a child. umm
susan
susan
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
AZ,
I went through a similar situation with my younger brother, who went through a quarter-million dollars worth of cocaine in two years, lost his home and car and possessions and job, and ran up incredible debts for my fixed-income stepmother (67, widow).
On the advice of these kind people here, I gathered up a bunch of information on addiction, addictive behavior (including That's What Addicts Do), local-to-her Al-Anon meetings, and how to find rehab/detox programs, and talked her through it all. She didn't really want to listen, but I didn't care if she wanted to listen. My job was to get it all into her hands, so that I could return to my safe place of loving detachment, there if she needed more info, a hug, a little financial advice, or the URL of this forum
And then put the focus back on me -- the only thing I COULD control.
That's what I did....perhaps a similar thing might help put your mind more at ease. As much as it can be in a situation like this
Hugs,
GL
I went through a similar situation with my younger brother, who went through a quarter-million dollars worth of cocaine in two years, lost his home and car and possessions and job, and ran up incredible debts for my fixed-income stepmother (67, widow).
On the advice of these kind people here, I gathered up a bunch of information on addiction, addictive behavior (including That's What Addicts Do), local-to-her Al-Anon meetings, and how to find rehab/detox programs, and talked her through it all. She didn't really want to listen, but I didn't care if she wanted to listen. My job was to get it all into her hands, so that I could return to my safe place of loving detachment, there if she needed more info, a hug, a little financial advice, or the URL of this forum
And then put the focus back on me -- the only thing I COULD control.
That's what I did....perhaps a similar thing might help put your mind more at ease. As much as it can be in a situation like this
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Delaware
Posts: 201
Okay I need to vent because this system sucks up the woozoo. My addicts can have all the kids they want put the kids on law away where good old step mom and dad take care of the kids. They can drink, snort, shot and sniff whatever the heck they want while the kids are on law away and not one person from the STATE checks in with anyone. Trisha is right once we get these kids and save them from this world of druggie parents no one thinks a second thought about these kids. No body but grandma and grandpa. We spend over 8,000 in daycare just this year without one lick of help from any one. Well...that is the law away plan. But here is the great part, if at any point dad or mom decide they want to be clean for a month or two and we go to court guess what... baby goes straight back. We are stuck holding the bag. Nice eah. That is reality!
I am sorry this is soooooooo off topic but I am fed up with this world. It is crazy. Who is protecting these babies? Who makes sure they when they go back things are straight? Well guess what over my dead body will mine go back unless there is a reasons that lead me to believe things are great. She deserves nothing less.
I am praying for you all and all these kids caught up in this mess. God help us.
-Broken
I am sorry this is soooooooo off topic but I am fed up with this world. It is crazy. Who is protecting these babies? Who makes sure they when they go back things are straight? Well guess what over my dead body will mine go back unless there is a reasons that lead me to believe things are great. She deserves nothing less.
I am praying for you all and all these kids caught up in this mess. God help us.
-Broken
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((Aztchr))))))
So sorry for the pain and suffering that is going on with you and your family because of your sister's addiction.
My son is the addict in my life. Ever heard of a dry alcoholic? My son is a dry addict.
An addict, none the less. I thank God daily that my son was never blessed with children. He's still a child himself at 25.
On the other hand, there's my sister. God love'r.
She is raising her 5 yo grandson and has had him for the last 3 years. He and his half brother and sister were removed from my nephew and his wife's apartment after she was arrested and investigated for drugs.
Foster care took over the 3 children and my sister and one of the other children's grandma started custody proceedings.
My sister has custody of her grandson and the woman's mother has custody of her grandchild.
This woman had 3 children. All by different men. I don't know what happened to the 3rd child.
How sad it all is.
My great nephew also suffers from adhd and is medicated and sees a counselor weekly. My poor sister is 55 and not in the greatest shape health wise, but refused to have someone else raise her grandson.
I commend her for that. But.... and there always is a but. Am I right?
She doesn't receive child support or government money. She works her a$$ off.
To me that is wrong. I do what I can to help out, but....
Imho, there should be some sort of "new" laws concerning addicts, their children, custody, support, and the rights of the grandparents.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
I pray for your sister to get back on the wagon soon.
A new sr friend,
So sorry for the pain and suffering that is going on with you and your family because of your sister's addiction.
My son is the addict in my life. Ever heard of a dry alcoholic? My son is a dry addict.
An addict, none the less. I thank God daily that my son was never blessed with children. He's still a child himself at 25.
On the other hand, there's my sister. God love'r.
She is raising her 5 yo grandson and has had him for the last 3 years. He and his half brother and sister were removed from my nephew and his wife's apartment after she was arrested and investigated for drugs.
Foster care took over the 3 children and my sister and one of the other children's grandma started custody proceedings.
My sister has custody of her grandson and the woman's mother has custody of her grandchild.
This woman had 3 children. All by different men. I don't know what happened to the 3rd child.
How sad it all is.
My great nephew also suffers from adhd and is medicated and sees a counselor weekly. My poor sister is 55 and not in the greatest shape health wise, but refused to have someone else raise her grandson.
I commend her for that. But.... and there always is a but. Am I right?
She doesn't receive child support or government money. She works her a$$ off.
To me that is wrong. I do what I can to help out, but....
Imho, there should be some sort of "new" laws concerning addicts, their children, custody, support, and the rights of the grandparents.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
I pray for your sister to get back on the wagon soon.
A new sr friend,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
The latest yesterday was that my sister wasn't going to come home because she didn't want to sit around at my parents and be bored. My dad is ready to take the car away and my sister knows that's what will happen when she does eventually come home.
When my mom told me this I tried really hard not to respond. I'm thankful my parents are there to take care of my niece. Anger won't help me or my parents.
I've checked into the Nar-anon meeting times. That's all I can do and I'll be with my niece when I can to give my parents a little break.
Ultimately, my parents will have to make difficult choices when they are ready.
Each night, I pray my sister is safe somewhere when she's not home. I know my niece is taken care of when she's with my parents.
It's painful to have this situation happening again, but now I understand it better and our family roles in it, too.
When my mom told me this I tried really hard not to respond. I'm thankful my parents are there to take care of my niece. Anger won't help me or my parents.
I've checked into the Nar-anon meeting times. That's all I can do and I'll be with my niece when I can to give my parents a little break.
Ultimately, my parents will have to make difficult choices when they are ready.
Each night, I pray my sister is safe somewhere when she's not home. I know my niece is taken care of when she's with my parents.
It's painful to have this situation happening again, but now I understand it better and our family roles in it, too.
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