The Drug Abuser’s 3 Weapons
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
The Drug Abuser’s 3 Weapons
The family’s best defense against the emotional impact of alcohol and drug abuse is gaining knowledge and achieving the emotional maturity and courage needed to put it into effect. The people most responsible for the abuser may need more assistance and counseling than the abuser if an effective recovery program is to be launched. Addiction is an illness, one which has tremendous emotional impact upon the immediate family. The more distorted the emotions of these persons become, the less adequate their help will be. The best thing they can do is to seek help and treatment for their own situation, so that they will not play into the progressive illness pattern of the abuser and thereby contribute to the progress of the disease rather than recovery.
In trying to control and use the family, the abuser uses 3 primary weapons. The family must learn to defend against these, or they will become virtual slaves to the illness and may create for themselves emotional, mental or physical illness.
The first weapon is the ability to arouse anger or provoke loss of temper. If the family member or friend becomes angry and hostile, this person has been completely destroyed insofar as ability to help the abuser is concerned. Consciously or unconsciously, the abuser is projecting an image of self-hatred against the other person. If it is met by angry, hostile attacks, it is thereby verified, and the abuser in his own mind justifies his former usage, and also now has an additional excuse to use drugs in the future. The gods first make angry those whom they wish to destroy, and the abuser has a long experience of acting like a little god. If your temper is lost, all chance of help is thrown away, at least for the moment.
The second weapon of the abuser is the ability to arouse anxiety on the part of the family. When the family is anxious, they feel compelled to do for the abuser that which only the addict himself can do if the illness is to be arrested and recovery initiated. A bad check is a good example for this principle. The check may be written before, during, or after the drug abuse period. The addict does not have money in the bank to redeem this check. When the anxiety of the family members becomes too intense with regard to what will happen if the check is not redeemed, they secure money and cover the check. This relieves the anxiety of both the family and the abuser, but it establishes a pattern for the addict in the area of problem solving. The abuser now learns that his family is not going to let him suffer the consequences; and he may expect this to be done whenever another bad check is written or whenever he creates a similar problem.
More important still, if the family redeems the check, the abuser cannot redeem it and therefore this failure is made permanent. The abuser cannot undo what others have already undone. This increases the abuser’s sense of failure and guilt, and increases the family’s sense of hostility and condemnation of the abuser. The abuser is actually doubly injured. The criticism, scolding and moralizing add to the abuser’s guilt and resentment against himself and his family. The entire situation is thus made worse. The family did not write the bad check, but in making it good, they gave a form of approval while they verbally condemned the same act.
Abusers are propelled along the progress of the disease when the family is unable to cope with anxiety aroused by the addict. This is, in effect, part of the illness. Neither the abuser nor his family is able to face reality. The writing of the bad check and the redemption of it by the family are but two sides of the same problem. The abuser can never learn to solve his own problems in a responsible way if the anxiety of the family compels the removal of the problem before the abuser can be brought to face it and solve it, or suffer the consequences from it. This home training course increases the addict’s irresponsibility, and also increases the hostility, resentment and tension between the addict and the family.
The third weapon of the abuser is the ability to arouse guilt. It is common to hear parents say, “We don’t know what we did wrong….” And then go on to list all the things they thought had been done right.
Moreover, the abuser will often accuse the family of injustices. He may or may not have truth on his side. If he succeeds in making the family feel guilty, he can probably manipulate them. Most of us, under the pain of guilt, will try to make amends and be nice to the offended party. But being nice often takes the form of enabling the abuser to avoid the pain of facing the result of his actions. At times, a parent feeling guilt will actually provide the money for the abuser’s continuing abuse, enabling him to face tremendous danger at a point where he is especially vulnerable.
Tough love does not allow a child to play with a loaded pistol, no matter if the child accuses one of lack of love. And so it is with the family of the abuser. Parents are notoriously susceptible to the words, “If you really loved me you would….”. Even though there may be some truth to his accusations, love should not provide him the means to get high. Such manipulation is destructive to you as a person, to the abuser, and to the relationship between you.
Guilt, anger, and anxiety must be dealt with by the family, or the family will contribute to the progress of the illness. The family members must first learn to cope with their own problems before any beneficial effects can reach the addict. This requires help, just as any serious illness requires help from doctors and nurses. The abuser can continue to deny that he has a drug problem and that he does not need help, as long as the family provides an automatic escape from the consequences of his using drugs.
In trying to control and use the family, the abuser uses 3 primary weapons. The family must learn to defend against these, or they will become virtual slaves to the illness and may create for themselves emotional, mental or physical illness.
The first weapon is the ability to arouse anger or provoke loss of temper. If the family member or friend becomes angry and hostile, this person has been completely destroyed insofar as ability to help the abuser is concerned. Consciously or unconsciously, the abuser is projecting an image of self-hatred against the other person. If it is met by angry, hostile attacks, it is thereby verified, and the abuser in his own mind justifies his former usage, and also now has an additional excuse to use drugs in the future. The gods first make angry those whom they wish to destroy, and the abuser has a long experience of acting like a little god. If your temper is lost, all chance of help is thrown away, at least for the moment.
The second weapon of the abuser is the ability to arouse anxiety on the part of the family. When the family is anxious, they feel compelled to do for the abuser that which only the addict himself can do if the illness is to be arrested and recovery initiated. A bad check is a good example for this principle. The check may be written before, during, or after the drug abuse period. The addict does not have money in the bank to redeem this check. When the anxiety of the family members becomes too intense with regard to what will happen if the check is not redeemed, they secure money and cover the check. This relieves the anxiety of both the family and the abuser, but it establishes a pattern for the addict in the area of problem solving. The abuser now learns that his family is not going to let him suffer the consequences; and he may expect this to be done whenever another bad check is written or whenever he creates a similar problem.
More important still, if the family redeems the check, the abuser cannot redeem it and therefore this failure is made permanent. The abuser cannot undo what others have already undone. This increases the abuser’s sense of failure and guilt, and increases the family’s sense of hostility and condemnation of the abuser. The abuser is actually doubly injured. The criticism, scolding and moralizing add to the abuser’s guilt and resentment against himself and his family. The entire situation is thus made worse. The family did not write the bad check, but in making it good, they gave a form of approval while they verbally condemned the same act.
Abusers are propelled along the progress of the disease when the family is unable to cope with anxiety aroused by the addict. This is, in effect, part of the illness. Neither the abuser nor his family is able to face reality. The writing of the bad check and the redemption of it by the family are but two sides of the same problem. The abuser can never learn to solve his own problems in a responsible way if the anxiety of the family compels the removal of the problem before the abuser can be brought to face it and solve it, or suffer the consequences from it. This home training course increases the addict’s irresponsibility, and also increases the hostility, resentment and tension between the addict and the family.
The third weapon of the abuser is the ability to arouse guilt. It is common to hear parents say, “We don’t know what we did wrong….” And then go on to list all the things they thought had been done right.
Moreover, the abuser will often accuse the family of injustices. He may or may not have truth on his side. If he succeeds in making the family feel guilty, he can probably manipulate them. Most of us, under the pain of guilt, will try to make amends and be nice to the offended party. But being nice often takes the form of enabling the abuser to avoid the pain of facing the result of his actions. At times, a parent feeling guilt will actually provide the money for the abuser’s continuing abuse, enabling him to face tremendous danger at a point where he is especially vulnerable.
Tough love does not allow a child to play with a loaded pistol, no matter if the child accuses one of lack of love. And so it is with the family of the abuser. Parents are notoriously susceptible to the words, “If you really loved me you would….”. Even though there may be some truth to his accusations, love should not provide him the means to get high. Such manipulation is destructive to you as a person, to the abuser, and to the relationship between you.
Guilt, anger, and anxiety must be dealt with by the family, or the family will contribute to the progress of the illness. The family members must first learn to cope with their own problems before any beneficial effects can reach the addict. This requires help, just as any serious illness requires help from doctors and nurses. The abuser can continue to deny that he has a drug problem and that he does not need help, as long as the family provides an automatic escape from the consequences of his using drugs.
Just plainly tired
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
Passion once again you are so right. When we are so abosrbed by the addict it's so hard to even see through the fog of whats right, wrong, normal enabling. I needed to read this tonight thank you.
Passion I hope you keep a copy of all your wiritngs... I know I said this before but you shopuld really try to get a book published. You have the ability, talent, experience and know how to touch to the core.
Hugs,
Jewel
Passion I hope you keep a copy of all your wiritngs... I know I said this before but you shopuld really try to get a book published. You have the ability, talent, experience and know how to touch to the core.
Hugs,
Jewel
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