Trying.

I wish I could get past allowing other peoples words to trigger me so. An example is someone telling me that the 12steps alone is all thats needed and therapy is just a waste of time.

I mean I know how much therapy has helped me to date, so why can't I just over look other peoples ignorances?

I feel like who I am at my core is being attacked.

I get so angry I wanted to verbally attack the person.

The 12 steps and therapy was just an example.

It could be any number of things, its just that failure to allow another person to have their choice I guess.

But saying that even if someone had said, "Therapy didn't help me only the 12 steps did" I'd feel just as angry.

I take it as a personal attack.

I read somewhere to just silent bless the person you feel enraged against and let them be, but that to me feels like its not enought, I have to let the person know the affront they have caused me.

I really don't want to feel this way, but its where I'm at right now.

Any one relate to this and found a way through it??

SaTiT

I think it's just a reaction from growning up in an alcoholic home.
Constantly being critisized from very, very earily on in life and
still to this day from my alki father.

Living under a dictatorship..when someone said
this way is the only way or something simular....it triggers
alot of un resolved anger.

my mind or emotionals gose into a defencesive mode. Generally
this is my first reaction.

Therapy was a begining for me. I went to AA and just staired
at the walls. I spent many, many, days to years stairing at the
walls as a child. it took serveral session for me to even say one
word to my therapist. Even then, it was about the weather.
I imagine it was like pulling teeth for him. A couple more months
of that before I actaully said something in a meeting.lol

Why was i shy ?...you know...i figure no one gives a rats either way.
so why say anything.
Why reach out for help ? Everytime I reached out for help at home
i got critisized.

There so much hurt barried deep inside of me and a lot of
unresolved anger. Why ? you know why...
constantly being critisized not being allowed to expressed my
emotions and never actaully was given any tools or instructions to live
and everything i did was wrong, wrong, wrong. that's all I ever hear.

I got a trophy for being one of the best player on the team, but my
father never attended any of my games....but it was a damn struggle
to allow me to play ball to begin with.

I just have to recalled some moments in my life that there's was
posistive re-enforcement...few and far in between, but it was there.
I guess that's why some coaches are good coaches..they coach me
and knows how to constructively critisize me and pat me in the back
or a high five evey so often.

on a down day, if I'm hurry, angery, lonely or tired, i fall back into
my old behaviors quicker.

stop being so hard on yourself.
it okay to get angery..get angery, you don't have to agree with everyone.

Kimm992

I find I get very easily defensive as well and I don't know why.

I try to tell myself at those times that the person doesn't mean to offend me and it's not a personal attack.

Wascally Wabbit

I lived with an alcoholic mom. Criticism was the only communication she ever had with me.
I am 52, and just now learning how to deal with her critical attutide. She's been sober 30 years, but still is the same in her attitude.

Now, when she starts to tell me something like, "You have on too much make-up", I respond, "It sounds like YOU think I wear too much make-up, but I like the way I look even if you don't."
Things like this stop her from continuing to the next sentance.

GingerM

My sister and I both went through this. It's hard not to take something as criticism when all your life you've had nothing but criticism.

Some things that helped me (brought to you by a variety of therapists I've been to see over my lifespan).

1. Stop and repeat the words in your head as though you had said them. What would be your reasons for saying them? Could you have said them to someone meaning to help the person? (using your example, maybe the person didn't want to see you throw your money away).

2. Recognize that every comment people make to you, you will be braced for the worst. Like in a car wreck, those who are most relaxed get hurt the least. If you notice yourself bracing for impact when people say things to you, try to find a place in your head you can go to where you are not braced. In psychology, the name for this is "anticipatory reactions" - you've actually formed your reaction before the event has occurred. (I'm not saying it's easy, it took me, oh, 20 years or so to get my defensiveness mostly under control most of the time, and even now, if someone hits a deeply embedded button in me, I still don't fare so well with it).

3. Find a self affirming statement that is generic enough to fit most circumstances and USE it. My statement was/is "I understand that's how you see this, however, I disagree and my opinion is no more or less valid than yours". Often times the part about my opinions validity only gets said in my head (kind of like when you don't say "you moron" out loud, but you think it really loudly ), but I say it to reinforce to myself that their opinion is worth nothing more than the air it took to make the sound. Just as my opinion is worth the same. In reality, opinions are only as important as we allow them to be (unless you're a real bigwig like a CEO or the President).

I hope you can find a useful tool to help you in these situations. I found that when I no longer felt constantly criticized, my life became a much sunnier place. Of course, then I had to start working on not criticizing myself

Trying.

I've been thinking about this thread and it hit me its like I am inside out. I do a lot of projective Identification. Its like I have no skin, all my nerve ends and emtions are being felt through other people. Its real agony. I try to own my feelings, my thoughts, but its just so automatic, I project myself onto others..

Plenty more yrs of therapy me thinks.

Morning Glory

I try to mentally remove myself from the current situation and focus on what that trigger is connected to. That helps me in two ways. It helps deflate my anger and helps me focus on the issue it's connected to within me.

It's at the point now when I just say God wants me to work on that now. Triggers were the very tool that brought all my junk to the surface enough to connect my memories with my free floating emotions. Once that was done I was free from the problem that was giving those triggers power. I spent a good 5 years working through triggered issues and I still get triggered now and then.

Triggers are painful, but I truly appreciate them in hind sight.

Hugs,
MG

GingerM

Trying, the first step is to recognize (no matter how late after the fact) that what you experienced was a trigger and not 'real'. That you were reacting not to the actual situation, but to something from long ago.

When you make that realization (again, no matter how long after the event occurred), sit down and go through what Morning Glory mentioned - see if you can determine what the trigger was.

Eventually the time between when you have the reaction and when you can think about it will get shorter until you can think about it while the event is in progress. It won't happen right away. You will most likely not be able to think about your triggers while you're in the middle of having them set off.

It took me years to be able stop myself in the middle of a trigger - and I"m not exactly perfect at it now. Sometimes the best I can do is keep my mouth shut until I can think straight again, and once in a while I don't succeed even at that. But I do try and I'm much better at it than I used to be. Now it seems I only have a major reaction to things that are either very sensitive to me, or after days when I simply have no patience/tolerance/processing ability left.