Just get over it!
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Just get over it!
Just get over it!
Most of us who live or have lived with the chaos known as alcoholism / addiction have experienced some truly awful and painful moments. Those aren’t things that are easily forgotten… the memory of those moments can be with us forever. There are ways to work thru them, with a counselor or by working the steps.
I’ve been learning more about this as I establish new relationships. There are certain behaviors, words, or situations that seem to work as “triggers” and when they happen, I want to run screaming in the other direction. When it happens, all rational thought leaves my head… and then I find myself in one of those “fight or flight” situations. I can’t think, I can’t breathe… all I want to do is get away and protect myself from going thru that “stuff” again.
In my most recent relationship, that’s exactly what happened. He said or did some things that were fairly innocent and normal. My “filters” interpreted them as something my ex would have said or done… and off I ran. My FEELINGS took over, and I was afraid I was making another terrible mistake. I discussed it with him, and he reminded me that he wasn’t like my ex, nor would he ever do those things, and he suggested that I just get over it.
My counselor and I discussed this today. She told me that I am a trauma victim, and as such, I will most likely NEVER “ get over it”. She said that type of thing is always with a person… you learn to manage it.
I’ve been wondering WHY I couldn’t get over it. Now I know. Now I can concentrate on recognizing my triggers and learning to relax when I become anxious. After I relax and regain my focus, I can discuss my issue with my partner, if appropriate, or with my counselor… or my sponsor or a recovery friend. My counselor recommended that I get a book or 2 on relaxation and meditation. I reminded her that I’m a longtime al anon member, and that I will go back and work on Step 11!
How do you deal with your triggers?
Are you able to "just get over" stuff?
Most of us who live or have lived with the chaos known as alcoholism / addiction have experienced some truly awful and painful moments. Those aren’t things that are easily forgotten… the memory of those moments can be with us forever. There are ways to work thru them, with a counselor or by working the steps.
I’ve been learning more about this as I establish new relationships. There are certain behaviors, words, or situations that seem to work as “triggers” and when they happen, I want to run screaming in the other direction. When it happens, all rational thought leaves my head… and then I find myself in one of those “fight or flight” situations. I can’t think, I can’t breathe… all I want to do is get away and protect myself from going thru that “stuff” again.
In my most recent relationship, that’s exactly what happened. He said or did some things that were fairly innocent and normal. My “filters” interpreted them as something my ex would have said or done… and off I ran. My FEELINGS took over, and I was afraid I was making another terrible mistake. I discussed it with him, and he reminded me that he wasn’t like my ex, nor would he ever do those things, and he suggested that I just get over it.
My counselor and I discussed this today. She told me that I am a trauma victim, and as such, I will most likely NEVER “ get over it”. She said that type of thing is always with a person… you learn to manage it.
I’ve been wondering WHY I couldn’t get over it. Now I know. Now I can concentrate on recognizing my triggers and learning to relax when I become anxious. After I relax and regain my focus, I can discuss my issue with my partner, if appropriate, or with my counselor… or my sponsor or a recovery friend. My counselor recommended that I get a book or 2 on relaxation and meditation. I reminded her that I’m a longtime al anon member, and that I will go back and work on Step 11!
How do you deal with your triggers?
Are you able to "just get over" stuff?
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
After reading this post I sat back and was like "WOAH!!" I'm going through some things at the present time and this just hit me like a ton of bricks. I never saw myself as a trauma victim either, but now it really makes sense to me. Thank you so much for posting about this. It came right on time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
I agree, we have experienced a lot of trauma. The chaos that we have lived with, not to mention the fear that we lived in. For some of us violence. Worry, constant worry. Feeling anxious all of the time. For me being sick in the stomach, depression.
I think all of this sums it up to ptsd. I don't think we ever get over it, but we do learn to manage it.
Thanks Cat for this post it's very interesting and makes a lot of sense to me.
I think all of this sums it up to ptsd. I don't think we ever get over it, but we do learn to manage it.
Thanks Cat for this post it's very interesting and makes a lot of sense to me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
Thank you for posting this...I havent been on for a few weeks, things with my daughter have been quiet for the most part[not great but not as nutz]. I went to a motorcycle event a few weeks ago and met a nice nice man. The next day we had plans to go out and on the way to meet him for breakfast I had a minor motorcycle spill. I called him to tell him to go without me and he refused to. He insisted to come to where I was. I ended up going home to shower the blood off of me and he sat in the livingroom and when I was done, bandaged my wounds...I couldn't reach the wounds on the back of my arm but it felt very uncomfortable to have someone do this for me. I also want to run. Im trying to see this as a god thing and a time for growth. I just want to say the heck with it and not see him anymore, it seems easier...just doesn't seem like the way a grown up reacts...as mature as I am in most aspects of my life, the emotional part of me is like a teenager, not quite right when it comes to relationships..no wonder...ptsd is exactly what it feels like...thank you for this insight...Marian
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Perfect timing, Cat. I too now recognize "triggers" when they happen. In the past they sent me into immediate anxiety and set my heart and adrenaline racing. Just yesterday something happened that set me off, triggered those old emotions big time and left me gasping for breath, until I remembered to say a prayer and let it go.
Today, I acknowledge them for what they are, memories of the fear and dark place I have been, and recovery has taught me to acknowledge them, give them a moment's thought and then let them go by turning my focus back on recovery and positive things in my life.
Post traumatic stress is something I think we all go through, and although it may never just go away and we may never "get over it", today I am grateful that I can get past it without revisiting all the pain and fear that was a significant part of my life before recovery.
Hugs
Today, I acknowledge them for what they are, memories of the fear and dark place I have been, and recovery has taught me to acknowledge them, give them a moment's thought and then let them go by turning my focus back on recovery and positive things in my life.
Post traumatic stress is something I think we all go through, and although it may never just go away and we may never "get over it", today I am grateful that I can get past it without revisiting all the pain and fear that was a significant part of my life before recovery.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
This is an interesting thread. I read it and began thinking of myself and my relationship with XAH. I've been struggling lately with the fact that I'm missing him alot and even have thoughts that life with him and his chaos would be better than life without him. Of course, when I truly look back at our time together and the misery I lived in, I have to wonder why I would feel these things. After reading what your therapist said about being a trauma victim, and the references to PTSD, I wonder how many of us suffer from Stockholm Syndrome? This is named for a case study where kidnap victims were kept isolated, deprived, and dependent on their captor. Eventually they saw the captor as the source of their survival, and learned to love/be grateful to the captor for simply allowing them to exist. It certainly explains a lot to me, and gives me a new perspective.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Cats -
This is a very wise post. We do store these memories in our body. In essence, they are stuck. There are many wonderful books on how to understand AND RELEASE this trauma. Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine is a GREAT place to start. I am a trauma specialist and believe that finding a way to release this stuff is imperative. It's not just something that you "release" in counseling....your body has to release it as well. Think of all of the visceral reactions that we have, the triggers, etc. There are ways to do this. Also, Levine has a great little book/CD on releasing trauma. We do get PTSD from living this way.
Glad that you brought this up - Donna
This is a very wise post. We do store these memories in our body. In essence, they are stuck. There are many wonderful books on how to understand AND RELEASE this trauma. Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine is a GREAT place to start. I am a trauma specialist and believe that finding a way to release this stuff is imperative. It's not just something that you "release" in counseling....your body has to release it as well. Think of all of the visceral reactions that we have, the triggers, etc. There are ways to do this. Also, Levine has a great little book/CD on releasing trauma. We do get PTSD from living this way.
Glad that you brought this up - Donna
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
Well done Cats in recognizing triggers and seing how best to manage them. We all have them to some degree.
I agree with Ann." Acknowledge them, give them a moment's thought and let them go, focus back on recovery and positive thinking." Just get over it may not be appropriate however I think when it comes to relationships many people are not able
to understand or know how to cope/help a friend or partner with baggage from the past. Other friends in recovery, a sponsor or therapists can.
Guys especially may want to make it clear, as your friend did, they are not like
a man from your past.
What helps me with triggers is to tell myself That's old stuff. It's not happening now.
I don't need to carry it with me today and let it go. It's the recognizing when old stuff clouds over the present that is the challenge.
Hugs
I agree with Ann." Acknowledge them, give them a moment's thought and let them go, focus back on recovery and positive thinking." Just get over it may not be appropriate however I think when it comes to relationships many people are not able
to understand or know how to cope/help a friend or partner with baggage from the past. Other friends in recovery, a sponsor or therapists can.
Guys especially may want to make it clear, as your friend did, they are not like
a man from your past.
What helps me with triggers is to tell myself That's old stuff. It's not happening now.
I don't need to carry it with me today and let it go. It's the recognizing when old stuff clouds over the present that is the challenge.
Hugs
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
triggers.. yeah.. still got those. And it BOTHERS me that I do. I feel I should be past it all by now. I am tough and strong and these things should be so GONE.. but there are not sometimes. Sometimes I am not so tough and that annoys me too.
I live in a house we chose and things he did not take with him that I cannot just up and afford to replace are around me. So I get reminders all the time.. However, I have some plans to CHANGE my house decor and that will help a LOT.
This thread is most helpful too as it points out that we have been traumatized and there is likely no "getting over it." I love the idea that we MANAGE it. Yes. That says it all. I MANAGE on a LOT of levels.
When I hit a trigger and those old obsessions come back I try to take a deep breath.. shut my eyes (not when I am driving tho!) and give it to my HP. I say to myself, "There is nothing you can do now. It is not yours anyway. Thank you God for taking this burden today. Thank you for protecting me and taking care of me when I can't do it myself so well. Thank you for showing me a better way."
Often, but not always, peace follows this placement of the thing in the hands of my HP. When it does give me peace, I am grateful. When it doesn't give me peace I am grateful to realize that I am still a darn codie and have work to do.
Then, I get to that work.... (tho sometimes I have to set it aside for a bit, which also can give me temporary peace).
I live in a house we chose and things he did not take with him that I cannot just up and afford to replace are around me. So I get reminders all the time.. However, I have some plans to CHANGE my house decor and that will help a LOT.
This thread is most helpful too as it points out that we have been traumatized and there is likely no "getting over it." I love the idea that we MANAGE it. Yes. That says it all. I MANAGE on a LOT of levels.
When I hit a trigger and those old obsessions come back I try to take a deep breath.. shut my eyes (not when I am driving tho!) and give it to my HP. I say to myself, "There is nothing you can do now. It is not yours anyway. Thank you God for taking this burden today. Thank you for protecting me and taking care of me when I can't do it myself so well. Thank you for showing me a better way."
Often, but not always, peace follows this placement of the thing in the hands of my HP. When it does give me peace, I am grateful. When it doesn't give me peace I am grateful to realize that I am still a darn codie and have work to do.
Then, I get to that work.... (tho sometimes I have to set it aside for a bit, which also can give me temporary peace).
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
whew, I thought I was crazy feeling the anxiety for no reason, huh, the little
b----d gave me condition!!
of course Mr Rahsue can bring it on too, he gets a feeling and for some reason decides he needs to share his anxiety with me. Guess I'll have to figure a way to tell him to keep it to himself cause I got enough of my own.
b----d gave me condition!!
of course Mr Rahsue can bring it on too, he gets a feeling and for some reason decides he needs to share his anxiety with me. Guess I'll have to figure a way to tell him to keep it to himself cause I got enough of my own.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 94
Thanks for posting this!!
I find that I am often hard on myself and tell myself to just "get over it".
It's nice to have a reminder that it's okay if I'm not "over it" and that it doesn't all go away overnight.
Hugs to you!!
I find that I am often hard on myself and tell myself to just "get over it".
It's nice to have a reminder that it's okay if I'm not "over it" and that it doesn't all go away overnight.
Hugs to you!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Thanks everyone for your input. I practiced the relaxation breathing a bit today as I was stressed... at the dentist getting 2 crowns! Hey, it worked better than I expected. I wasn't totally exhausted and stressed out when I left the office, and I was able to have a good day.
HUGS
Cats
HUGS
Cats
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
(((Cats))))
Your post hit home for many reasons.
Yes, we get those "triggers" and these poor innocent people are victimized because we are flashing back to when the words or situations that triggered us meant something entirely different.
It's post tramatic stress disorder. Mark Sichel, the expert social worker who once volunteered here on SR discussed it with some of us. And, I'm not sure we will ever get over it. For me, anyway, the traumas continue to happen. Not nearly as bad, of course, nor lasting as long, but, still occuring, even as he's now straight. This experience is not what I wanted or expected, (damn word!), for motherhood.
You're lucky that you're able to have relationships! I find a reason to reject every one that wants to get close, even as I pray for a decent man to enter my life. But, they all seem to have addiction issues, so, it's clear I need to do some more work on myself, else why do I continue to attract that type?
Deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, imagry, sleep hygene, meditation, exercise, are all tools I use to help me overcome the issues I cannot seem to overcome yet.
Good post. Thanks for bringing it up.
Shalom, friend...
Your post hit home for many reasons.
Yes, we get those "triggers" and these poor innocent people are victimized because we are flashing back to when the words or situations that triggered us meant something entirely different.
It's post tramatic stress disorder. Mark Sichel, the expert social worker who once volunteered here on SR discussed it with some of us. And, I'm not sure we will ever get over it. For me, anyway, the traumas continue to happen. Not nearly as bad, of course, nor lasting as long, but, still occuring, even as he's now straight. This experience is not what I wanted or expected, (damn word!), for motherhood.
You're lucky that you're able to have relationships! I find a reason to reject every one that wants to get close, even as I pray for a decent man to enter my life. But, they all seem to have addiction issues, so, it's clear I need to do some more work on myself, else why do I continue to attract that type?
Deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, imagry, sleep hygene, meditation, exercise, are all tools I use to help me overcome the issues I cannot seem to overcome yet.
Good post. Thanks for bringing it up.
Shalom, friend...
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I am about 80% at watching out for triggers. I can handle them when they come most of the time. The other 20% I save for the all time guilt tripping mother. She still comes up with things that make me want to scream! But, I am getting better.
I deal with it by not responding. For me, if I respond quickly, I am usually in for a fight. So, I have learned to take one step back and listen.
I deal with it by not responding. For me, if I respond quickly, I am usually in for a fight. So, I have learned to take one step back and listen.
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