Is there a solution
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: England
Posts: 20
Is there a solution
Hello everyone - this is my first post. I am not in recovery and I am not sure I need to be so I hope I am in the right place.
My partner and I have had a history of drinking, we met in the depths of a mad project where drinking was the culture. Things were curbed while we had our two children shortly after that but now my youngest is 18 months we seem to be drinking every night. At least a bottle a night. I have this overwhelming urge to open a bottle of wine when the kids are just about to go to bed and so does my partner.
I do feel that it has become a problem only because I often say I want to stop this but then cannot resist the urge come 6 o'clock at night.
My partner and I often having GREAT nights with alcohol and relaxes us and makes us reconnect emotionally. In my heart of hearts I think its become a problem and I want to stop but how can I do this when we are both as bad as each other? Yes he says he wants to stop too and we go a few nights without anything but then he or I suggest opening a bottle of wine and the other agrees and away go again for another week/month....
I've stumbled on this site tonight I'm wondering if there are people here who can advise me on what to do. I really want to stop but I'm concerned how this will effect my drink cultured relationship and if there is anything I can do to help it survive in some other way.
Thanks for reading
My partner and I have had a history of drinking, we met in the depths of a mad project where drinking was the culture. Things were curbed while we had our two children shortly after that but now my youngest is 18 months we seem to be drinking every night. At least a bottle a night. I have this overwhelming urge to open a bottle of wine when the kids are just about to go to bed and so does my partner.
I do feel that it has become a problem only because I often say I want to stop this but then cannot resist the urge come 6 o'clock at night.
My partner and I often having GREAT nights with alcohol and relaxes us and makes us reconnect emotionally. In my heart of hearts I think its become a problem and I want to stop but how can I do this when we are both as bad as each other? Yes he says he wants to stop too and we go a few nights without anything but then he or I suggest opening a bottle of wine and the other agrees and away go again for another week/month....
I've stumbled on this site tonight I'm wondering if there are people here who can advise me on what to do. I really want to stop but I'm concerned how this will effect my drink cultured relationship and if there is anything I can do to help it survive in some other way.
Thanks for reading
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Hi Lindsay,
Welcome to SR. Well, if you feel that you want to stop, but find yourself unable to, then you may have a problem. Only you can say for sure.
Coming here is a good place to start. I hope you spend some time reading threads, especially the 'Stickys' which are found at the top of each section. If you go to Alcoholism, there is a Sticky called 'Under the Influence' where there is a lot of information on alcoholism.
Please keep reading and posting. Others will be along soon to welcome you. This is a very busy recovery community and we are always grateful for new members.
Rowan
Welcome to SR. Well, if you feel that you want to stop, but find yourself unable to, then you may have a problem. Only you can say for sure.
Coming here is a good place to start. I hope you spend some time reading threads, especially the 'Stickys' which are found at the top of each section. If you go to Alcoholism, there is a Sticky called 'Under the Influence' where there is a lot of information on alcoholism.
Please keep reading and posting. Others will be along soon to welcome you. This is a very busy recovery community and we are always grateful for new members.
Rowan
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Moline, IL
Posts: 6
Welcome Lindsay! I am new into the recovery process so I'm not sure how much help I can be, but I wanted to come wish you luck at least!
I really understand where you are coming from as far as having a great time...but still knowing you need to quit. One thing I was really afraid of was that I used to have so much fun with my friends- what if things werent fun anymore without drinking? Would we still be friends? It must be even harder to think about for you since its not friends, but your partner. One thing that encouraged me to finally quit though, was thinking about this: What am I going to do, drink for the rest of my life just because that was the only way I knew to have fun/talk about feelings/whatever? Either I quit drinking and let my true, sober self out now...or continue this way of life and never know who will appreciate me for me.
Well now I just feel all rambly and Im not even sure if any of this makes sense. But, I hope it does and I wish you so much luck!
I really understand where you are coming from as far as having a great time...but still knowing you need to quit. One thing I was really afraid of was that I used to have so much fun with my friends- what if things werent fun anymore without drinking? Would we still be friends? It must be even harder to think about for you since its not friends, but your partner. One thing that encouraged me to finally quit though, was thinking about this: What am I going to do, drink for the rest of my life just because that was the only way I knew to have fun/talk about feelings/whatever? Either I quit drinking and let my true, sober self out now...or continue this way of life and never know who will appreciate me for me.
Well now I just feel all rambly and Im not even sure if any of this makes sense. But, I hope it does and I wish you so much luck!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
Hi Lindsay,
Welcome!
If you think you have a problem with alcohol, take a look around and read and learn.
It was interesting to me that you said you and your husband reconnect emotionally with alcohol. Those words jumped off the page at me. I used to believe that completely. It was only when I stopped drinking that I began to learn about relationships.
Welcome!
If you think you have a problem with alcohol, take a look around and read and learn.
It was interesting to me that you said you and your husband reconnect emotionally with alcohol. Those words jumped off the page at me. I used to believe that completely. It was only when I stopped drinking that I began to learn about relationships.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: England
Posts: 20
Thanks guys for your replies.
When we decide to stop life in the evenings is so BORING!! I think we somehow need to work out what to do to fill this void we will create if we stop.
I think as a couple we can be quite reserved and alcohol makes us more outgoing and we end up resolving issues or talking about things that we wouldnt have really felt comfortable about bringing up sober. I like my partner MORE when he has had a few drinks!!!!
Can AA help me with these issues? I'm actually considering going but really wish I could resolve this to the point where I can restrain from drinking EVERY night and just do it now and again. I don't suppose AA will tolerate this wish?? Will they say that I've gone too far to be able to control it like that? Do people attend AA that end up being occasional drinkers or has it just gone too far for that??
When we decide to stop life in the evenings is so BORING!! I think we somehow need to work out what to do to fill this void we will create if we stop.
I think as a couple we can be quite reserved and alcohol makes us more outgoing and we end up resolving issues or talking about things that we wouldnt have really felt comfortable about bringing up sober. I like my partner MORE when he has had a few drinks!!!!
Can AA help me with these issues? I'm actually considering going but really wish I could resolve this to the point where I can restrain from drinking EVERY night and just do it now and again. I don't suppose AA will tolerate this wish?? Will they say that I've gone too far to be able to control it like that? Do people attend AA that end up being occasional drinkers or has it just gone too far for that??
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
Hi Lindsay, I have to add my two cents to Anna's words of wisdom. I haven't been here very long - I will only have 30 days sober on Wednesday - but I can tell you that I always thought I was more loving and closer to my spouse when we were drinking. (drinking pattern similar to yours, but I was drinking more). I feel like I am just touching the tip of the ice berg as far as actually connecting with my spouse and kids now that I am sober.
My spouse still drinks a beer or two a few nights a week, but he wasn't the one who couldn't stop when he wanted to. That was me. I'm sorry I can't give you any great advice about how to stop. My "moment" just came that I was tired of it and I didn't want to do it anymore.
Sorry this isnt much help but just wanted to say you found a good place here, you are welcome, and you will get tons of support!
My spouse still drinks a beer or two a few nights a week, but he wasn't the one who couldn't stop when he wanted to. That was me. I'm sorry I can't give you any great advice about how to stop. My "moment" just came that I was tired of it and I didn't want to do it anymore.
Sorry this isnt much help but just wanted to say you found a good place here, you are welcome, and you will get tons of support!
Coffee Drinker
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Lobstah Land
Posts: 1,122
You might want to read the excerpts from the book "under the influence", they are on a sticky at the top of the alcoholism forum.
This book (and the newer version "Beyond the Influence") do a great job of teaching one about the progression of alcoholism.
There is a pretty clear and recognisable pattern. Can it be broken or arrested? Don't really know.
In my case I went to the bitter end. I am sober and happy today in AA.
Anyhow, welcome to SR!
Have a coffee and stick around a while,
Ted
This book (and the newer version "Beyond the Influence") do a great job of teaching one about the progression of alcoholism.
There is a pretty clear and recognisable pattern. Can it be broken or arrested? Don't really know.
In my case I went to the bitter end. I am sober and happy today in AA.
Anyhow, welcome to SR!
Have a coffee and stick around a while,
Ted
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
Oh and I second what Jomey said.
You 'think' things are more interesting and exciting when you're drinking. I was like that too. But, are you being real with each other? I wasn't. Drinking made it easier to produce the fake persona that I put on which I thought my husband and friends wanted. It never occurred to me that people might like the real me. Now, maybe things are sometimes less exciting, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am me and it feels blessed to be living in this skin.
You 'think' things are more interesting and exciting when you're drinking. I was like that too. But, are you being real with each other? I wasn't. Drinking made it easier to produce the fake persona that I put on which I thought my husband and friends wanted. It never occurred to me that people might like the real me. Now, maybe things are sometimes less exciting, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am me and it feels blessed to be living in this skin.
believer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
Exactly what was said above..I believe that i rather have true, moderate joy, than something that isn't real..Alcohol or drugs will never bring that feeling of experiencing life at last in its full...That's what sobriety brings..Being sober isn't easy, but as people in the site will tell you, it's worthy..
I am happy you joined..keep posting, answers will come slowly...
I am happy you joined..keep posting, answers will come slowly...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado Prairie
Posts: 1,417
Originally Posted by Lindsay~ 
Thanks guys for your replies.
When we decide to stop life in the evenings is so BORING!! I think we somehow need to work out what to do to fill this void we will create if we stop.
I like my partner MORE when he has had a few drinks!!!!
When we decide to stop life in the evenings is so BORING!! I think we somehow need to work out what to do to fill this void we will create if we stop.
I like my partner MORE when he has had a few drinks!!!!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome!
What concerns me from your post is your young children.
Parents who drink are simply not what they deserve.
Who is going to drive them to a hospital if they fall ill
some night? What if there is a fire?
Who is going to hear them cry from nightmares?
You could be saving your wine money for their future.
AA? the open meetings are for anyone who
is questioning their drinking or wanting to understand.
You may want to go and listen.
No...AA does not teach davvling with alcohol.
However...many members begin looking into their
life ...and choosing abstinance...by using AA.
Blessings to you and your family...
What concerns me from your post is your young children.
Parents who drink are simply not what they deserve.
Who is going to drive them to a hospital if they fall ill
some night? What if there is a fire?
Who is going to hear them cry from nightmares?
You could be saving your wine money for their future.
AA? the open meetings are for anyone who
is questioning their drinking or wanting to understand.
You may want to go and listen.
No...AA does not teach davvling with alcohol.
However...many members begin looking into their
life ...and choosing abstinance...by using AA.
Blessings to you and your family...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Posts: 345
Hi Lindsay
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
I also used to drink regularly with my wife and it was a major part of our routine. When she became pregnant with our son (now 2 1/2) she stopped drinking and never returned to it. I however tried too but was unable. It is true that alcoholism progresses and over the last three years my drinking escalated at an alarming rate - and I unable to do anything to arrest its progress. It appears that she just had bad habits while I was an Alcoholic. As my drinking progressed what was just `part of my character` became increasingly disruptive. I was what you could call a very placid drunk so the damage I was causing was hidden. No voilence of shouting. My job was going okay. However, as my drinking spilled over from every evening to all day at weekends I realised I was simply missing out on my son growing up and `normal family life`. I was organising everything around my drinking which eventually did begin to pull apart my marriage.
I mention this only because if I were able to find the strength to stop with my wife three years ago I would have saved a hell of a lot of heartache and been a far better father. At that point my drinking pattern was little different to yours and I had no idea I might be in trouble. I think given the nasty nature of the way this illness progresses and the increasing difficulty with dealing with it as time passes, if you have any doubt that your drinking is a problem you are doing the right thing by looking into whether you need help to stop.
I dont think moderated drinking works if you are an alcoholic. Its binary and if you do moderate you have the worst of both worlds - not only are you still drinking with all the negatives that involves but you also have the cravings associated with abstenance during self imposed dry times. Its just too much effort.
Just my pennies worth! I wish you luck in whatever you try to do and hope you continue to post here where you will find a great deal of good advice and help.
Oct
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
I also used to drink regularly with my wife and it was a major part of our routine. When she became pregnant with our son (now 2 1/2) she stopped drinking and never returned to it. I however tried too but was unable. It is true that alcoholism progresses and over the last three years my drinking escalated at an alarming rate - and I unable to do anything to arrest its progress. It appears that she just had bad habits while I was an Alcoholic. As my drinking progressed what was just `part of my character` became increasingly disruptive. I was what you could call a very placid drunk so the damage I was causing was hidden. No voilence of shouting. My job was going okay. However, as my drinking spilled over from every evening to all day at weekends I realised I was simply missing out on my son growing up and `normal family life`. I was organising everything around my drinking which eventually did begin to pull apart my marriage.
I mention this only because if I were able to find the strength to stop with my wife three years ago I would have saved a hell of a lot of heartache and been a far better father. At that point my drinking pattern was little different to yours and I had no idea I might be in trouble. I think given the nasty nature of the way this illness progresses and the increasing difficulty with dealing with it as time passes, if you have any doubt that your drinking is a problem you are doing the right thing by looking into whether you need help to stop.
I dont think moderated drinking works if you are an alcoholic. Its binary and if you do moderate you have the worst of both worlds - not only are you still drinking with all the negatives that involves but you also have the cravings associated with abstenance during self imposed dry times. Its just too much effort.
Just my pennies worth! I wish you luck in whatever you try to do and hope you continue to post here where you will find a great deal of good advice and help.
Oct
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 763
Interesting thread for me because I have just moved in with a bf of 4 years who drinks like a normal person. When we met I LOVED drinking with him because it was "normal" .... for a while. Then I started wanting to have after dinner drinks, finish the bottle of wine, and so on, when he didn't.
Since we now live together, I find myself enjoying those (far too few) times he drinks enough to "loosen" up and really talk. What does this mean for us? A lot of uncomfortable moments for me, but I think I have to stick with it and see what happens.
I believe Anna above, because I have "known" her for a long time now, and I think we cannot know what lies ahead in relationships when we don't let alcohol direct the show.
I took particular note of what Pinkcuda said: "Sounds like you're having a "threesome" only the third member is the life of the party. I know it's kind of a crude statement, but it's what came to mind."
Every minute you take drinking is a shared minute in which you are not doing something else...
Jhana
Since we now live together, I find myself enjoying those (far too few) times he drinks enough to "loosen" up and really talk. What does this mean for us? A lot of uncomfortable moments for me, but I think I have to stick with it and see what happens.
I believe Anna above, because I have "known" her for a long time now, and I think we cannot know what lies ahead in relationships when we don't let alcohol direct the show.
I took particular note of what Pinkcuda said: "Sounds like you're having a "threesome" only the third member is the life of the party. I know it's kind of a crude statement, but it's what came to mind."
Every minute you take drinking is a shared minute in which you are not doing something else...
Jhana
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Welcome to SR Lindsay~, I am Martin and I am an alcoholic, here is an interesting test to take if you wish, http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/....cfm?PageID=71 when I finally quit I scored 10 out of 12, if I had kept on drinking I can assure you it would have been 12 out of 12.
Only you can determine whether or not you are an alcoholic, I know I am, I know that alcoholism is a progressive disease, the longer I drank the worse it got.
I reached the point where I did not want to drink any more, but I had to drink in order to even feel normal. There are those who get a lot worse then I did before they quit, there are others who quit long before they reached the point I did.
The sooner an alcoholic quits drinking the easier it is, the longer we wait the harder it is to quit. In order for me to quit I had to go into medical detox.
Quitting drinking is the easy part for an alcoholic, any alcoholic can quit drinking that is the easy part..... staying stopped is the hard part!! AA is what has kept me sober, but not only has it kept me sober, it has helped me become a much better person, a happier person, I am no longer a prisoner of my alcoholism.
There is an invisible line in the progression of the disease of alcoholism which I crossed, when I have no idea, but once I crossed that line I had to drink, I had no choice.
It is ironic that the title of your thread is "Is there a solution". For me I found a solution, the solution for me was AA, there are other programs that work, but AA is the one that works for me.
In AA I have found people who understand exactly what I am talking about when it comes to "Having to drink", or "Needing a drink", or what a blackout is all about. These people also have found a solution for thier common problem of alcoholism, they are sober, happy, joyous & free! The best thing about these folks is that they are more then happy to share freely with others how they got and stay sober one day at a time and live life!
AA can help one learn to live life on lifes terms sober. I have found true friends in AA, not drinking buddies. I have found in AA that there are people that enjoy doing anything you can dream of, especially with other sober people.
I found AA was a waste of my time as long as I wanted to try and drink every once in a while, I am an alcoholic and the longer I drank the more I needed to drink, if I had been able to control my drinking I would have never gone to AA.
AA is what you make of it, there are no rules in AA, the only requirement to be a member of AA is a desire to stop drinking, if you still desire to drink then AA will be of no help to you, AA and to my knowledge all other recovery programs for alcoholics are all about abstinance. There is one program for non-alcoholics called "Moderation Management" you may want to check out, but the first thing you need to do is not drink for a month.
AA does no judgements, you judge yourself.
I am sure there are some people who came to AA and due to the fact they were not alcoholics ended up being occasional drinkers, but I doubt they attend any meetings because they do not need them.
Only you can determine whether or not you are an alcoholic, I know I am, I know that alcoholism is a progressive disease, the longer I drank the worse it got.
I reached the point where I did not want to drink any more, but I had to drink in order to even feel normal. There are those who get a lot worse then I did before they quit, there are others who quit long before they reached the point I did.
The sooner an alcoholic quits drinking the easier it is, the longer we wait the harder it is to quit. In order for me to quit I had to go into medical detox.
Quitting drinking is the easy part for an alcoholic, any alcoholic can quit drinking that is the easy part..... staying stopped is the hard part!! AA is what has kept me sober, but not only has it kept me sober, it has helped me become a much better person, a happier person, I am no longer a prisoner of my alcoholism.
There is an invisible line in the progression of the disease of alcoholism which I crossed, when I have no idea, but once I crossed that line I had to drink, I had no choice.
It is ironic that the title of your thread is "Is there a solution". For me I found a solution, the solution for me was AA, there are other programs that work, but AA is the one that works for me.
In AA I have found people who understand exactly what I am talking about when it comes to "Having to drink", or "Needing a drink", or what a blackout is all about. These people also have found a solution for thier common problem of alcoholism, they are sober, happy, joyous & free! The best thing about these folks is that they are more then happy to share freely with others how they got and stay sober one day at a time and live life!
Can AA help me with these issues?
I'm actually considering going but really wish I could resolve this to the point where I can restrain from drinking EVERY night and just do it now and again.
I don't suppose AA will tolerate this wish??
Will they say that I've gone too far to be able to control it like that?
Do people attend AA that end up being occasional drinkers or has it just gone too far for that??
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
Might as well toss my two cents in here, for what it's worth...is two cents still worth two cents?
My husband and I met in a bar, and pretty much the next 22 years together was spent in bars. Although I did drink at home on occasion, her rarely did. But, everything we did recreationally was somehow connected to drinking...before, during, or after.
He quit drinking two years before I did. I started going to Al-Anon meetings (still drinking) because I wanted to better understand his problem when we reconciled. (Don't know how that was going to happen, since he had been living with someone else after he left me.) But, I thought his drinking was my problem.
After attending a few AA meetings along with some Al-Anon, I realized I identified more with the alcoholics than those who weren't. So, I decided to quit drinking and wound up in detox/rehab. Once we were both sober, I realized the biggest thing we had in common (aside from our three children) was our drinking. We were divorced after 25 years of marriage when I had 90 days in AA.
He passed away a few years ago...still sober, and I now have 27 years of sobriety. If we hadn't met in that bar, I doubt we would ever have met, let alone gotten married. One thing I am certain of is that we were both alcoholics, and I'm grateful that his quitting gave me the incentive to quit (convoluted though my reasoning may have been).
My husband and I met in a bar, and pretty much the next 22 years together was spent in bars. Although I did drink at home on occasion, her rarely did. But, everything we did recreationally was somehow connected to drinking...before, during, or after.
He quit drinking two years before I did. I started going to Al-Anon meetings (still drinking) because I wanted to better understand his problem when we reconciled. (Don't know how that was going to happen, since he had been living with someone else after he left me.) But, I thought his drinking was my problem.
After attending a few AA meetings along with some Al-Anon, I realized I identified more with the alcoholics than those who weren't. So, I decided to quit drinking and wound up in detox/rehab. Once we were both sober, I realized the biggest thing we had in common (aside from our three children) was our drinking. We were divorced after 25 years of marriage when I had 90 days in AA.
He passed away a few years ago...still sober, and I now have 27 years of sobriety. If we hadn't met in that bar, I doubt we would ever have met, let alone gotten married. One thing I am certain of is that we were both alcoholics, and I'm grateful that his quitting gave me the incentive to quit (convoluted though my reasoning may have been).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: England
Posts: 20
Thank you everyone so much for your input. I cannot believe how busy this forum is in just 24 hours I had to search back to find my original thread.
Right now my in laws are here my SO's parents. They are SERIOUS drinkers. Starting at midday and pretty much til they drop at bedtime. Its weird but I am kind of updating myself here in private - I don't want them to know that I am here on this forum... They leave on Sunday and from Monday I am going to attempt to stop drinking for one month. If I cannot do it or find it really hard then I think that I have a problem and will seek help.
I guess the fact that I have looked and found you here is a telling sign that I don't feel comfortable with where I am.
Its very interesting to hear about the attitudes and habits of partners and how that fits with your own sobriety.
Thanks once again everyone.
Lindsay
Right now my in laws are here my SO's parents. They are SERIOUS drinkers. Starting at midday and pretty much til they drop at bedtime. Its weird but I am kind of updating myself here in private - I don't want them to know that I am here on this forum... They leave on Sunday and from Monday I am going to attempt to stop drinking for one month. If I cannot do it or find it really hard then I think that I have a problem and will seek help.
I guess the fact that I have looked and found you here is a telling sign that I don't feel comfortable with where I am.
Its very interesting to hear about the attitudes and habits of partners and how that fits with your own sobriety.
Thanks once again everyone.
Lindsay
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