Everything I went through was for Nothing...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: MI
Posts: 132
Everything I went through was for Nothing...
My xbf was an addict of benzos and if those weren't available - it was everything else.
He finally left for rehab to get clean on aug 28 - one week later I received an email from a girl who told me a story. One week back in march when I wouldn't see my abf b/c he was too drugged up - he took her out on two dates...they kissed - and although that was all that happened I am devastated.
All of the hospital visits, the waiting, the blood coming out both ends, the embarassment, the vomiting, the doctors, the abusive arguements, the lies, the damaging of my belonging, most of which he never remembered. Being so understanding...knowing the xanax was doctor prescribed in the beginning. All of this...for nothing.
He is in rehab, I don't even have the option of calling him and telling him exactly what I think of him. And how selfish of me anyway right? he's trying to recover and all I want to do is tell him off!
A few days later I receive a letter from him stating how he can feel the change inside himself..he wants to be clean, i am the best thing that's happened to him. He loves me more everyday and can't wait to come home and start a new life. What a liar.
I haven't stopped crying for days....all of this for nothing.
He finally left for rehab to get clean on aug 28 - one week later I received an email from a girl who told me a story. One week back in march when I wouldn't see my abf b/c he was too drugged up - he took her out on two dates...they kissed - and although that was all that happened I am devastated.
All of the hospital visits, the waiting, the blood coming out both ends, the embarassment, the vomiting, the doctors, the abusive arguements, the lies, the damaging of my belonging, most of which he never remembered. Being so understanding...knowing the xanax was doctor prescribed in the beginning. All of this...for nothing.
He is in rehab, I don't even have the option of calling him and telling him exactly what I think of him. And how selfish of me anyway right? he's trying to recover and all I want to do is tell him off!
A few days later I receive a letter from him stating how he can feel the change inside himself..he wants to be clean, i am the best thing that's happened to him. He loves me more everyday and can't wait to come home and start a new life. What a liar.
I haven't stopped crying for days....all of this for nothing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: MI
Posts: 132
there's no reason to. I ironically went to my first al-anon last week....
although I was co-dependant, he won't be in my life any longer. I'm leaving him. I no longer agree to marry him. In addition, co-dependant or not, I feel as though I wouldn't been there for him during those sick times...
although I was co-dependant, he won't be in my life any longer. I'm leaving him. I no longer agree to marry him. In addition, co-dependant or not, I feel as though I wouldn't been there for him during those sick times...
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
well in that case, nothing we do that is given freely and with love is truly a waste. Maybe he will take some of the love and understanding you gave him and benefit from it later. Maybe it will help him to recover in fuller way.
And maybe you will take away a lesson of some sort too. It may be a bitter one now, but maybe in time it may become a bittersweet one, and one that saves you from a worse loss in the future.
And maybe you will take away a lesson of some sort too. It may be a bitter one now, but maybe in time it may become a bittersweet one, and one that saves you from a worse loss in the future.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
(((selah))) Everything is for a reason; sometimes it takes a while, but it always becomes clear why we experience what we do. Maybe now you can change the line under your name to "helping myself."
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: SC
Posts: 1,027
Hi Selah-
I'm sorry you are hurting. I wanted to say that just because you may no longer be in THIS relationship, it still wouldn't hurt to pick up and read codependent no more or to attended alanon or naranon meetings.
When we figure out that we are codependent, a lot of us recognize that we had those very traits before we even got into the relationship with our addict or alcoholic partners. Books like codependent no more and naranon are to help us to understand those traits and give us some insight to why we chose the partners we did. What were we looking to "help" them with or how we were looking to make things better.
We can learn the signs and look for how not to enter that type of relationship again. Addiction doesn't always have to be involved when choosing a bad partner.
Please still pick up that book and attend a couple more meetings.
I'm sorry you are hurting. I wanted to say that just because you may no longer be in THIS relationship, it still wouldn't hurt to pick up and read codependent no more or to attended alanon or naranon meetings.
When we figure out that we are codependent, a lot of us recognize that we had those very traits before we even got into the relationship with our addict or alcoholic partners. Books like codependent no more and naranon are to help us to understand those traits and give us some insight to why we chose the partners we did. What were we looking to "help" them with or how we were looking to make things better.
We can learn the signs and look for how not to enter that type of relationship again. Addiction doesn't always have to be involved when choosing a bad partner.
Please still pick up that book and attend a couple more meetings.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
There are many good reasons to read "Codependent No More." One of the best reasons I can think of is to help you understand why you put up with unacceptable behavior from your boyfriend in the first place. Another good reason for reading it is to help you learn from your past mistakes so you won't repeat past unhealthy behaviors in the future.
Maybe you're afraid you'll find a lot of yourself in those pages. Knowledge is power. A better life can be had for the cover price--about 10 bucks. It's the best 10 bucks I ever spent.
Maybe you're afraid you'll find a lot of yourself in those pages. Knowledge is power. A better life can be had for the cover price--about 10 bucks. It's the best 10 bucks I ever spent.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
(((Hugs))) I am so sorry you are hurting right now. It will get better, doesn't always seem like it, but it does. Nothing that happens to us is a waste, it makes us become the person we are......always growing and evolving.
Not to push it on you, but "codependent no more" is an excellent read. I did not want to read it at first, but I have read it several times and that book WAS about me. It has changed how I deal with a lot of different things in my life. (for the better).
We love you here!
Not to push it on you, but "codependent no more" is an excellent read. I did not want to read it at first, but I have read it several times and that book WAS about me. It has changed how I deal with a lot of different things in my life. (for the better).
We love you here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: MI
Posts: 132
I'm not ready yet. I am literally devastated....I will not deny that I was co-dependant that many traits I carrry are "help others to any extent" oriented.
I just never thought he would do that...I just never thought he would turn to someone else. And even now from rehab he calls his mom to please call me and tell me how much he loves me and is thinking of me...
how could he do that. I am just so tired of giving drug addicts excuses. i just feel like he was secretly a self absorbed brat.
I just never thought he would do that...I just never thought he would turn to someone else. And even now from rehab he calls his mom to please call me and tell me how much he loves me and is thinking of me...
how could he do that. I am just so tired of giving drug addicts excuses. i just feel like he was secretly a self absorbed brat.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 21
Selah
I'm so sorry for your pain. I agree with your hard-line boundary...cheat once, I'm outta here. From the love and support you've poured out to him over the months/years, it is devastating to the core to find out that he would do this to you, addict or not. (BTW, just wondering why would this girl tell you this information? She can't be a good friend or she wouldn't have gone out with him -- twice. Might she have an ulterior motive?)
Besides the codie book, I wanted to suggest another. I'm reading it now. It's called "Women Who Love Too Much." It helps explain why we may have been attracted to this relationship in the first place, why we stayed so long despite so much pain, and how to heal ourselves so it doesn't happen again. I'm only on Ch. 2, but it's really insightful.
As for the letter he wrote to you, good for you for seeing that he's simply refining his sales pitch. He's had a few days of detox, he's starting to feel better and maybe is deciding that the treatment has already brought about a miracle cure. "I've seen the light." It's just another desperate con game with your XBF resorting once again to maniupulation and emotional blackmail. He needs you to be by his side. Who else does he have?
Stay strong!
I'm so sorry for your pain. I agree with your hard-line boundary...cheat once, I'm outta here. From the love and support you've poured out to him over the months/years, it is devastating to the core to find out that he would do this to you, addict or not. (BTW, just wondering why would this girl tell you this information? She can't be a good friend or she wouldn't have gone out with him -- twice. Might she have an ulterior motive?)
Besides the codie book, I wanted to suggest another. I'm reading it now. It's called "Women Who Love Too Much." It helps explain why we may have been attracted to this relationship in the first place, why we stayed so long despite so much pain, and how to heal ourselves so it doesn't happen again. I'm only on Ch. 2, but it's really insightful.
As for the letter he wrote to you, good for you for seeing that he's simply refining his sales pitch. He's had a few days of detox, he's starting to feel better and maybe is deciding that the treatment has already brought about a miracle cure. "I've seen the light." It's just another desperate con game with your XBF resorting once again to maniupulation and emotional blackmail. He needs you to be by his side. Who else does he have?
Stay strong!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: MI
Posts: 132
Thank you Hope - I don't feel so mean for feeling so harshly about all of it. It's just so hard not to give the excuse..."oh I only kissed someone b/c I was high - I would never have done that if I wasn't" any addict will agree.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Blaming the disease for the unforgivable behavior is not acceptable to me. My AH never used it since he doesn't think he has a drinking problem. But I would not have accepted shifting the blame from him to his disease. I do not excuse AH's choices solely because he is an alcoholic. I rcognize his diesase is part of the reason he does what he does. But its not the only reason. And regardless, he has choices.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
A grain of salt
Although most of us (me too) are or have been struggling with an addict in our lives and we may be somewhat negative there are many that have indeed recovered. The saying "actions speak louder than words" is also quite relevant especially when dealing with an addict.
Although most of us (me too) are or have been struggling with an addict in our lives and we may be somewhat negative there are many that have indeed recovered. The saying "actions speak louder than words" is also quite relevant especially when dealing with an addict.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
This may sound strange. I dont think you have gone through all of this for nothing. Right now you are hurting, betrayed and angry.
Learn from this and know that this lesson is preparing you for your next journey in life.
At my age, I have been to hell and back and always asked why? Take it from me, if you take the lessons (no matter how bad) and ask what message this is giving you, remember it and use it.
Learn from this and know that this lesson is preparing you for your next journey in life.
At my age, I have been to hell and back and always asked why? Take it from me, if you take the lessons (no matter how bad) and ask what message this is giving you, remember it and use it.
Lost-n-Found
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Cairo
Posts: 923
This is not in defence of the guy in rehab., however, these Benzos alter your perception of reality in such a way that they were able to make me do things I most definately would not have done if I was sober, especially when combined with alcohol. The difference between right and wrong was gravely twisted. I also have faint or no recollection of many years.
I was also an Opiate addict. I remember it all. It was very real.
It's very obvious you are hurting and I am very sorry for that.
Give the 'new' guy a chance. You probably will be very pleasantly surprised.
Good luck..
I was also an Opiate addict. I remember it all. It was very real.
It's very obvious you are hurting and I am very sorry for that.
Give the 'new' guy a chance. You probably will be very pleasantly surprised.
Good luck..
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Southern California
Posts: 96
I agree with the above post. He is making changes in himself for the better and will not come back that guy that you remember. He took her out twice which isn't good but it could have been worse. If it were me, I'd give him a chance. Addicts do things they dont even realize and would never normally do if they were sober. You may be giving up on a beautiful new life with an amazing man. Best of luck in whatever you decide.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
Exact same thing happened to me, I said exact same words, you can probably even find it posted somewhere on here in my past posts!
Let me tell ya, you should thank Destiny for giving you the experience you had all the way from the beginning to the end because it has strengthen you even though you are in pain now. You'll one day be sane again (after leaving the relationship for a while), you'll think clearer then ever before, and you'll become sober yourself from insanity. Then you'll see how much more self aware you have become about yourself and awareness of others and what is really happening in the real world. Essentially, your experience has brought you to a new level of understanding and maturity, someday you'll be thanking your xbf for the growing experience, and you will say you would want it no other way to be as strong as a person you will find yourself to be someday after the emotions recover.
For now, I feel for you, I know how hard it was for me during that time. I remember I could not stop dreaming of her when I close my eyes, I hated it. It kept on EVERY SINGLE TIME I CLOSED MY EYES for over a month, during this time. I was AFRAID to sleep, I did not LIKE sleeping, and during that time, I would wake up so early everyday and not want to go back to sleep because I could not stop seeing her in my head. I would end up going to work and always being the first one there for a while, it was kind of funny in hindsight hahaa.
I still remember the first time I was able to sleep in peace. It was from that day on, she slowly stopped haunting my head. My sanity grew to levels I forgot existed.
May the same blessings that happen to me come to you in time... for now, hang in there, your in my heart.
Let me tell ya, you should thank Destiny for giving you the experience you had all the way from the beginning to the end because it has strengthen you even though you are in pain now. You'll one day be sane again (after leaving the relationship for a while), you'll think clearer then ever before, and you'll become sober yourself from insanity. Then you'll see how much more self aware you have become about yourself and awareness of others and what is really happening in the real world. Essentially, your experience has brought you to a new level of understanding and maturity, someday you'll be thanking your xbf for the growing experience, and you will say you would want it no other way to be as strong as a person you will find yourself to be someday after the emotions recover.
For now, I feel for you, I know how hard it was for me during that time. I remember I could not stop dreaming of her when I close my eyes, I hated it. It kept on EVERY SINGLE TIME I CLOSED MY EYES for over a month, during this time. I was AFRAID to sleep, I did not LIKE sleeping, and during that time, I would wake up so early everyday and not want to go back to sleep because I could not stop seeing her in my head. I would end up going to work and always being the first one there for a while, it was kind of funny in hindsight hahaa.
I still remember the first time I was able to sleep in peace. It was from that day on, she slowly stopped haunting my head. My sanity grew to levels I forgot existed.
May the same blessings that happen to me come to you in time... for now, hang in there, your in my heart.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: MI
Posts: 132
Codemaster - it's gives me some relief to know you really do know what I'm going through. through all of this, I kept saying, I can handle it - at least he's faithful...
and yes they did just go out twice, and she claims they kissed. and he did everything in his power to hide it...she does claim that he said he felt horrible - and he was in love with me. She states he wouldn't return emails, texts..etc. but this girl has her own problems that's for sure..apparantly she's a cutter.
anyway you can see how horriblly confusing this is. I feel manipulated and literally crushed. like my heart is pounding and when i try to swallow food i feel like I'm going to vomit. I can't fall asleep - and when I do by chance, I wake up at 4:30 and it is like i got blasted in the face with sadness.
And still to this day - he is writing me letters - calling his mom asking her to pass along the messages of love...
I just have felt so strongly about cheating...forever. and I am sickened by it.
I went to al-anon last night and all I was thinkin is why am I here? I told him I was done...But then I realized how much his disease and his cheating AND this girl harasssing me has truely done to temporarily destroy my soul.
and yes they did just go out twice, and she claims they kissed. and he did everything in his power to hide it...she does claim that he said he felt horrible - and he was in love with me. She states he wouldn't return emails, texts..etc. but this girl has her own problems that's for sure..apparantly she's a cutter.
anyway you can see how horriblly confusing this is. I feel manipulated and literally crushed. like my heart is pounding and when i try to swallow food i feel like I'm going to vomit. I can't fall asleep - and when I do by chance, I wake up at 4:30 and it is like i got blasted in the face with sadness.
And still to this day - he is writing me letters - calling his mom asking her to pass along the messages of love...
I just have felt so strongly about cheating...forever. and I am sickened by it.
I went to al-anon last night and all I was thinkin is why am I here? I told him I was done...But then I realized how much his disease and his cheating AND this girl harasssing me has truely done to temporarily destroy my soul.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Auckland, new Zealand
Posts: 93
he has to face up to the hurts he caused due to his addictions. Its one of the 12 steps. Maybe you can let him know that you know while he is still in the supportive environment of rehab. Rather than letting him come out to suddenly face this alone. Yes I know its helping him again. But im sure you dont want to drag this out for a long time. If your leaving him then leave.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
