A says he wants to stay here while in detox
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
A says he wants to stay here while in detox
My Aexbf/sons father...man, what a mess. He is still claiming that I have betrayed him, that I cause his drinking...
Now, he has to go to rehab, ordered by the court. He insists on outpatient (and I know full well it is because he will continue to drink--the rehab he wants is on the side of town where he does all his drinking)
He left message yesterday saying he doesnt understand why he cant stay with me and my son while he gets sober. He claims that he will not be successful otherwise.(HE IS HOMELESS).
I am having trouble fighting this. there is guilt. His mom kind of supports me, but she has added that she sort of feels like if I was nicer to him, that he would work harder at recovering.
He is still actively psychologically abusing me. He insists that I claim 1/2 responsiblity for all that has gone on between us. I have been no angel, but, I have been raising my son alone. financially, and otherwise.
I have, so far said, No WAY. any other suggestions?
Now, he has to go to rehab, ordered by the court. He insists on outpatient (and I know full well it is because he will continue to drink--the rehab he wants is on the side of town where he does all his drinking)
He left message yesterday saying he doesnt understand why he cant stay with me and my son while he gets sober. He claims that he will not be successful otherwise.(HE IS HOMELESS).
I am having trouble fighting this. there is guilt. His mom kind of supports me, but she has added that she sort of feels like if I was nicer to him, that he would work harder at recovering.
He is still actively psychologically abusing me. He insists that I claim 1/2 responsiblity for all that has gone on between us. I have been no angel, but, I have been raising my son alone. financially, and otherwise.
I have, so far said, No WAY. any other suggestions?
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Aurora, CO
Posts: 68
It makes me furious that you are being blamed for his drinking! Especially by his mother. What gives them the right to do that? 
No wonder we live with this constant guilt and anger toward everything, including our A's.
I would tell him and emphatic "NOOOO". Tell him instead, that you need to spend all your free time with your son and going to Alanon to heal yourself. He may get better, but again, he may not, and this just proves that alcoholism is such a deceptive disease. UGH
No wonder we live with this constant guilt and anger toward everything, including our A's.I would tell him and emphatic "NOOOO". Tell him instead, that you need to spend all your free time with your son and going to Alanon to heal yourself. He may get better, but again, he may not, and this just proves that alcoholism is such a deceptive disease. UGH
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 52
Oh boy!
For me, my number one concern would be to fully protect my child. Protecting that child against this addictive abuse. I don't see how having a ABF come back and forth builds a sense of security in a son. And in fact might teach him some very detrimental behavior patterns.
Not to mention the stress and hell that this will put you through. He doesn't sound anywhere close to being a man who is fully committed to sobriety for LIFE.
So - in your heart you know. Positive - In. Negative - Out.
Protect your home.
When he is a few years sober - if then you still want him, you can reconsider.
Hang in there!!
For me, my number one concern would be to fully protect my child. Protecting that child against this addictive abuse. I don't see how having a ABF come back and forth builds a sense of security in a son. And in fact might teach him some very detrimental behavior patterns.
Not to mention the stress and hell that this will put you through. He doesn't sound anywhere close to being a man who is fully committed to sobriety for LIFE.
So - in your heart you know. Positive - In. Negative - Out.
Protect your home.
When he is a few years sober - if then you still want him, you can reconsider.
Hang in there!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
I just purchased a book by Lundy Bancroft: Why does he do that? Inside the minds of Angry and Contolling men.
I've only barely flipped through the pages and wow. It's an eye opener. I highly suggest getting your hands on a copy of it. Maybe the library has it.
It talks about the minimizing and guilt by the victims. I also scanned a page about how women are socially pressured to feel they're partly responsible for abuse by family members, friends. Abusers have been successful winning over to their side, victim's families, lawyers, counselors etc. It's an amazing book and I need to make the time to read it.
Abusers are very cunning and determined to get what they want. Control.
I would arm myself by reading all I could right now.
I've only barely flipped through the pages and wow. It's an eye opener. I highly suggest getting your hands on a copy of it. Maybe the library has it.
It talks about the minimizing and guilt by the victims. I also scanned a page about how women are socially pressured to feel they're partly responsible for abuse by family members, friends. Abusers have been successful winning over to their side, victim's families, lawyers, counselors etc. It's an amazing book and I need to make the time to read it.
Abusers are very cunning and determined to get what they want. Control.
I would arm myself by reading all I could right now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by WantsOut 
He is quacking like crazy. Just because he quacks it doesn't make it true.
Stick to your guns.
Stick to your guns.
Personally I think this does a tremendous disservice to ducks, harmless, well intentioned animals, that can be fun to be with.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
He claims that he will not be successful otherwise.(HE IS HOMELESS).
Please remember the 3 C's:
You didn't CAUSE it,
You can't CURE it, and
You can't CONTROL it.
You can neither cause him to drink and/or use, nor can you keep it from him.
Please think this through, do you really want to subject your son to a manipulating insincere alkie/addict?
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by Apolla
Steve, that is the most gorgeous poem!
What, who, where is that from?
What, who, where is that from?
Those are some lyrics from a song called "Yahweh", written by U2, a source of much hope and inspiration in my life.
"take this soul and make it sane" is a variation on "make it sing" lyrics are varied and may differ on some of the live material.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: williston,fl
Posts: 35
Buffalo66...
Please take it from someone who was in your shoes 2-3 months ago...tough love!!! You need to stop communication with him completely because it is toxic. By the way...if I were you, I would stop all communication with his mother if she continues to blame you. Her blame and denial is toxic as well. You do not have to listen or take blame for any of the abuse.
Once I let go and started taking care of me, my husband had a revelation. He did reach his rock bottom and has been climbing his way up since. I know that every situation is different, but one thing that remains the same is that we deserve much better! Take care of yourself and don't take the "quack" from anybody.
Please take it from someone who was in your shoes 2-3 months ago...tough love!!! You need to stop communication with him completely because it is toxic. By the way...if I were you, I would stop all communication with his mother if she continues to blame you. Her blame and denial is toxic as well. You do not have to listen or take blame for any of the abuse.
Once I let go and started taking care of me, my husband had a revelation. He did reach his rock bottom and has been climbing his way up since. I know that every situation is different, but one thing that remains the same is that we deserve much better! Take care of yourself and don't take the "quack" from anybody.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
You know I just went through this with my ex.
She shows up at 1 in morning looking to flop and I turned her away.
Nope recovery for this guy and yourself does not include him using you as a hammock.
She shows up at 1 in morning looking to flop and I turned her away.
Nope recovery for this guy and yourself does not include him using you as a hammock.
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