theotherone

No matter how much counseling or how many meetings I go to, I am never prepared for the AH's random outbursts. I talk myself through them and remember everything I've learned about the disease, but cannot fathom for the life of me how someone I've been married to for 18 years can spew some of the filth that comes out of his mouth.

My AH does not get falling down drunk and doesn't slur, which makes these outbursts even harder to blame on a disease and not the person behind the anger. He comes home every day and does not hang out in bars. What makes it even worse is that we have been living in a comfortable lull (I guess you could refer to it as the upside of the roller coaster) for some time. The trigger was something so insignificant that a normal person would have shrugged it off.

My 15 year old came home with a friend and asked if he could have $5.00 to get a bite to eat. This doesn't happen often and I would usually just give it to him, but didn't have it on me. I asked AH for the five dollar bill and told him I would replace it later in the evening. After a lecture on how he never asked his parents for money when he was a teen and worked to get his spending money he took the bill from his wallet and continued the "quacking". I tried to make light of the subject for the benefit of my son and his friend and said how times are different and chuckled. I quickly took the five and gave it to our son reminding him when he needed to be home for the evening. (My son works around the house and regularly goes to both grandmothers homes to cut the lawn and work around their houses. He is a good kid that doesn't ask for much and is well aware of his father's habits through experience).

After my son and his friend left my AH continued quacking about my parental skills and how I am not teaching our kids anything and that they will end up with nothing just like him, because I have ruined him. I was also told that if I ever laughed at him in front of anyone again, I would pay for it. The one sided argument continued to escalate with filthy names and accusations. I did not engage and will not respond to his outrageous actions.

I continued the evening doing what I needed to do and took care of my sons and helped with homework. Thankfully, once again AH retreated to bed before 9:00PM and we were spared anymore "lectures". He got up this morning and left for work without a word. I even prepared his lunch because I refuse to let his actions change me as a person.

I am not ready to get divorced and he is still drinking. He does not think his drinking is a problem. I feel his drinking is masking a form of depression that complicates his recovery. What really complicates his recovery is his denial that he has any problems at all.

Deep down I believe I will become stronger with every meeting and the support I seek here everyday. I have moved forward in my career and financially I have achieved the independence necessary to leave if have to. I think with the changes I've made in both my actions and planning, he is aware of the seriousness of the matter. The boys are my main concern and I will continue to provide the stability and security we share to help them adapt to whatever changes we will have to make. I'm getting closer but am not quite there...does that make sense???

Thanks for listening! You guys are awesome

kj21

It makes sense! You'll know your ready when your ready I think. If he keeps being abusive I would think it will happen sooner than later, is he nice to you and your boys other times? My AH is being medicated for depression, worked for a few months but is going in today to talk to Dr. about it again. I also feel depression affects his addictions.
My AH also likes to quack about my 15 yr old son. One day AH will say what a good person our son has become, he is an awesome kid, then the next day he is quacking how the kid never does anything around the house anymore, has too many friends over...whatever he can come up with. what is up with that?? I think maybe he gets jealous that a 15 year old has it more together than he does!!

theotherone

Most of the time he just picks at everything they do (I have two sons 15 & 13). I think its just to get at me sometimes. I usually shield them from his comments and most are made directly to me anyway, when they are not around.

My AH won't go to a doctor because they may tell him he has to stop drinking. This man will not even take an Advil for pain because it may tax his liver???? go figure!

We just spent the holiday weekend together as a family doing fun things like a baseball game and barbecues without incident....I guess it threw him off. He even seemed to tame his drinking, at least his demeanor was good. Maybe it was me who was off guard...Anyway, life goes on I will get through this one way or another.

hadenoughnow

My AH occasionally exhibits the same type of behavior. I think they hate themselves so much that they want everyone else to be miserable too. I usually look at my AH and say very calmly "You need to STOP, NOW". Somewhere deep inside he must be scared of me (or scared that I am going to throw him out) cause it works.

What is it with A's and taking OTC medication? Mine is the same way about taking advil. I usually tell him that he has certainly killed enough brain cells and damaged his liver already, some advil won't kill him.

Pick-a-name

Your story sounds familiar....sorry you are going thru this. It get's tiring. Actually, even though AH divorced me, we just had a "round" like this over our son and his car that broke down (he is away at school). The "teach him a lesson" speach (actually speeches) and the anger,frustration,etc....vented on son and me,IF and when he was speaking/emailing us......ugh. For a change, I let most of it roll off but didn't accept the blame for his frustration and anger.....he really didn't like that. I had the two of them work it out,too and neither of them liked that (ie me not unruffling any feathers,etc)

This is the part about the alcoholism and progression that I find the most disturbing. He was always an after work, home drinker that didn't "seem" drunk...just not present. This childish behavior,etc gets old in a hurry!!! Sorry you are dealing with it, but glad you are here.

irelandx7

I have been married to an A for 10 years and this is sounds completely familiar to me. I have to work on not letting his snits get to me. I even have a friend who can see it in his eyes that he just "begs" for a fight from me, and when I don't give it to him he shuts up. Good for you!

Wascally Wabbit

You sound like a pretty strong person and, you're working on yourself.

Living with someone who's constantly belittling you has got to be difficult. But, you're in meetings, so you're learning how to handle yourself.

I don't have much more to say than that.

I hope things get better for you.

mallowcup

Are you really able to distance yourself from these comments. I could distance myself from my exs foul mouthed comments but not when he started that caustic negativity on our kids. I left when I knew if he said one more rotten thing, I could pick up a 2x4 and smash his head in with it. I wasn't really handling it, I was shoving those comments into a stuffed pressure cooker. My ex was very mean.

Barbara52

Ya know I can still remember very clearly how my father used to pick a victim of the night when drunk and mean. He did that for years. I remember it very clearly indeed. And I'm in my 50s now.

This is having a negative effect on your son whether it shows now or not. What we learn from parents as kids stick and is very hard to unlearn.

duet_4-8

I have to second this opinion. I have 2 grown sons and now that I am over 6 months free of my AH, a year into my recovery from codependency, and learning about family system dynamics in therapy, I see so many behaviors in them that come from the environment they were raised in. Not alcohol or drugs, but MY codependent junk as well as self-esteem issues from being criticized their whole lives. Kids know a whole lot more than we give them credit for, and it affects them a whole lot more than we think.

WantsOut

I hate to be the mean one here, but how on earth could you not be ready to leave someone who berates your child? ExAH gave my son trouble just one time in our entire marriage. I asked son to leave the room and stormed over to AH and told him in no uncertain terms that if he ever pulled the drunken a**hole dad routine again I would effin kill him. I had never been so vicious or firm about anything in my whole life.

Our children didn't ask for this life. We are obligated to protect them from abuse, including verbal.

I feel terrible and mean for saying this to you because you are a mom and nothing hurts like mom pain. I am loathe to cause this kind of pain in anyone, but dammit that kid deserves better and so do you! He is learning some dark things through these interactions - like how to be a codie who takes abuse. Do you really want to watch some drunken woman treat him like this in ten years? I KNOW you don't cause you love him. Step up to the plate and prove it. Actions speak louder than words.

It's hard to believe, but I wrote every word with profound love.