wpgwoman

I did what what a few of you suggested. I attended an Al-Anon meeting. It has been over a year since I last went. I left that meeting self doubting my decision to throw out my A.

They are telling me that I should waiting six months to a year(while actively attending meetings)before I make the decision to end this relationship. Some of the others at the meeting said after you starting making changes in yourself you may see things differently.

Three days ago I wanted my A out. Now I am more confused than I was before. I actually left that meeting feeling bad for him.

What's up with that????
Angie

CE Girl

Welcome WPGwoman,,,,

I can understand your confusion. When I first made the decision to "recover" from the roller coaster I was on, I was simply looking for an exit,,,

but it wasn't the program that confused me, it was the damage done from living with an A and being full blown into my OWN codieism. The cause took a long time, I don't know WHERE I got the idea the cure would be instantaneous?!?!?

I too, would hear the "advice" of the program. For me, simply put, I never applied the 6 months to a year advice to my CURRENT situation. In other words, I had already DECIDED to detach and form boundary's with my A. For me, this advice is coming in handy NOW as I negotiate this journey of recovery. I whole heartedly agree, that once I left my A, I shold make NO CHANGES to my life for 6 months to a year. Hell, its gonna take me that long to get adjusted to this new life of mine

There's another saying in these rooms,,,

Take what you need, leave the rest. Just keep coming

Peace

harleygirl92156

I think you may have attended a very good meeting. What you are most likely feeling is compassion, something very hard to find within ourselves when living with and active A.

The six month thing is to help us make informed, sound decisions not motivated by anger only. I know for me I am very happy I was encouraged to wait a year before making a decision whether to stay with my recovering A, if I hadn't gotten that little piece of advice, I would not be married to him today. (happily by the way)

I remember how confusing Al anon was and how I never thought I was going to get it. If you hang in there and go regularly, do your daily readings and get a good sponsor to help you through the steps, you will begin to understand and the confusion you feel now will slowly transform to understanding.

Keep going, do it for YOU!
God Bless

denny57

You can stay in the relationship but live apart. The program is one of suggestion not advice. I applied it in my case by not filing for divorce. AH eventually did it.

Learning compassion helped me make sound decisions.

((()))

GiveLove

It's okay to have compassion toward our As, and that's what Al-Anon helped me find (because it sure as heck wasn't there before) It helps in making good, balanced decisions.

The six-month thing is a suggestion, not a concrete rule. I was in a dangerous and abusive situation; six months might have killed me. Not appropriate. You have to decide whether it's appropriate for you.

Have compassion for YOURSELF first, then him. Do what you feel is right.

Hugs,
GL

Buffalo66

I posted earlier this week about how I was having a hard time swallowing some of what was being said at my Alanon meetings.

My A hasnt been here with my son and I for a long time, he is homeless, jobless, and a real mess...but the things that he has done to my self esteem...I feel like he is my mortal enemy.
I heard them talking about respect and dignity for the drunk, and it set off red flag after red flag in me. I am feeling so resistant, but the more I listen, things are making some sense.

stillsearching

Harleygirl...I am curious as to how you live happily with your husband? Is he still drinking and if so how did the meetings help you to come to the point you are now? How do you deal with the someone being drunk? I am very intrested in this because of how my AH is drinking now...I find it VERY hard to "accept" or "ignore...or even deal with...I would love to know your thoughts. I hope I didn't offend you by asking, but I am really looking for your insight....

On another note I just got a job subbing in a local school district. It doesn't start until the end of the month, but at least I will be able to earn some cash and still keep going with my school studies. Maybe a full-time position will open up and being a sub will help me get into one..

MsPINKAcres

what I began to learn in my first few meetings is that I didn't know the different between unhealthy compassion and healthy compassion.

This is still a slippery slope for me - I can have compassion for the A's in my life, but I have to be careful to not let it cause me to lower my boundaries and stop taking care of myself.

The waiting six months before making huge decisions in your life is a SUGGESTION as said before - not a requirement or order. Sometimes our perspective changes - sometimes it could change to say - "why the heck didn't I leave before?"

One of the main things I have gain in recovery is the freedom to make choices for myself with the guidance from my HP on what is right for ME. The first few meetings, months were very confusing and emotional because I was learning a totally different way of life.

But I was encouraged to keep coming back & don't give up before the miracles happen in you - and I did and the miracles are still happening.

I wish you the same.

Peace & Serenity to you,
Rita

wpgwoman

Thank you all for your replies so far. I am so very confused at this point in my life. When I first started going to Al-anon about 14 months ago this was a tough thing for me to swallow(the waiting period) Our situation had improved since he had moved back home so I decided to try and follow their advice. I had asked my A to consider going to AA, but he refused because he was not willing to talk to " strangers " about his problems and he did not believe in God. He said he would do it on his own. I did not push the issue.

I laid out a complete set of boundaries. Things quickly changed for the better. I made a mistake and stopped going to Al-Anon. Thought my situation was cured, so to speak. What a big mistake. The only thing that had changed was the obvious use of alcohol and pot. His love of it hadn't, nor did my resentment. His anger and all of the other emotions attatched to this disease remained the same.

To this day not one drop of alcohol has been brought into this home. He very seldom goes out socially which means he isn't getting high like in the past. He has come home drunk once in the past year. I must be honest and admit that he has improved by leaps and bounds, but somehow that just wasn't good enough for me. The rest of him was the same. It was like walking on eggshells just waiting for him to take a drink. Trying to always make him see that certain situations were not good for his recovery. I know, staying in Al-Anon would have helped.

I think my quality of life was actually worse having him be a dry drunk. His lack of some kind of support system concerned me. The need to find out if he gave into his cravings to drink when he was away from home began to consume me. My gut kept screaming at me, this is too good to be true. He's lying..... Eventually he was busted on a few occasions. Every time I found out he lied I withdrew from him more and more. The lies still affect me more than the booze.

Which leads us to today. I know I need help to get back some sanity in my life. Considering how my life was with my A years ago, I admit he has done so much better. Still, like I said earlier, not good enough. My feelings have changed so much towards him in the past few weeks. I once looked at him and felt such rage and contempt. Last night I looked at him and just felt pity.

I will continue to go to Al-Anon and try to do so with an open mind. Compassion, maybe. But I'd rather hate him, it was easier.

denny57

Is it possible to stop thinking of him as a "dry drunk?" Accept that he is who he is, without the alcohol?

theotherone

Ditto...Compassion is what is keeping me on this roller coaster. When I hate or detest his actions it seems so much easier for me to take action. Fortunately, I have been raised not to make life's decisions in the heat of the moment...I can't, I have two sons to consider and they love their father and the family structure. I love the man and hate the disease.

wpgwoman

I don't know. I was always under the impression that people who abuse alcohol/drugs do so because of some underlying problem that they have not addressed. Depression, abusive parent as a child, traumatic experience etc....which leads them to their addiction.

I also thought that being a "Dry Drunk" means returning to one's old alcoholic thinking and behavior without actually having taken a drink."

"Those who quit drinking but are still angry about it, wind up living miserable lives and usually make everyone else around them miserable too. If it has been said once in an Al-Anon meeting, it has been whispered thousands of times, "I almost wish he would go back to drinking."

I don't think my A wants to be in any sort of recovery. He still wants to be able to have a beer once in a while. Just because he has not drank more than a few times over the past year, I don't believe he has accepted the truth. So it leads me to believe that he is only going through the motions. Thus, his need to continually lie to hide the occasional indulgence.

In my humble opinion, if he truly embraced his disease and worked a program, he might find the tools necessary to conquer ALL of his demons, which in turn might make him more apt to accept the truth. I may find in the end a man who can whole heartedly love his family and find true happiness, or I may not.

So I guess what I am saying is that, how do we really know who he is, when he chooses to not acknowledge anything?? Deep down I have a tough time believing he was born this way. That is who he is. He had to have some influences along the way.

denny57

Haven't you had some rough times in your own life? Do you drink alcoholically?

wpgwoman

Yes, too many to mention. I don't drink, I eat.

mamaplus2kids

Your posts are great! I have experienced exactly what you mentioned: the walking on eggshells, the moodiness, the hopes that he would change, trying to spy and control, try to "make him see that certain situations were not good for his recovery." It's true; the dry drunk was worse. I used to hope he would get so drunk while he was out that some kind of accident would befall him. I ended up throwing him out. I don't regret it. He went too far. I had to protect the children. We had some issues having to do with covert sexual abuse. Within two weeks of finding out about some improper behavior, I threw him out. It was hard, as I was afraid of violence. My current partner is everything my husband was not, except he is a pot addict. As I love him and he is respectful, I would find it too difficult to cut all ties. But, I have been able this time around to put up boundaries: ie. no living together as long as he 1) doesn't pay rent and other household expenses; 2) doesn't stop smoking pot. We also have a rule that he can't be tipsy/drunk in the house, a boundary he has not broken (as alcohol doesn't seem to be a problem... yet). We'll see how this relationship will go. I am enjoying my time. I just have to keep talking to girl friends, and going to Al Anon.I also have to figure out why I'm always into these addictive men. We'll see if this man sticks around now that I've put up some boundaries.

BigSis

Alcoholism runs in families - just like diabetes, heart disease and some cancers. Having just ONE alcoholic parent quadruples the chance for each child becoming alcoholic. Both alcoholic... double that.

I've met more than one A around the tables who had a better childhood than some sober folks I know... until they started drinking and creating chaos, that is.

I quit drinking over 20 years ago without a program... as did my mom, my dad and my sister. Even so, I was still expecting MY addicted kids to work a program... or else (I assumed) they would "fail".

Son DID work a program - for over a year. Then he decided he needed to go back out and do some more experimentation. sigh.

Daughter had no interest in any program... and has been clean and sober for over 2 years... so far.

I do not have all the answers... but I spent so many years believing that I HAD TO have the answers, it is a difficult habit for me to break. I really cannot predict who will get and who will stay sober.

And nothing I do or say will change that for another person.


Alanon helped me understand that on an emotional (gut) level.


(((hugs)))

denny57

Me too, on both counts. Since taking control of my own life, I've lost 40 of those pounds I put on living with alcoholism.

((()))

wpgwoman

Hey mamaplus2kids, THANKS!!
I am very fortunate, I have never had violence with my A. But I hate his pot addiction just as much as booze. To me they are both the same. Unacceptable in mine and my children's lives. I sometimes wish that I only had only one addiction to contend with.

Stay strong...

harleygirl92156

Hi Stillsearching,
Don't apologize for asking questions, that my dear is how we learn!!
First, I am one of the lucky ones, my husband is a Recovering Alcoholic, so it is easy to live happily with him today....BUT

We all pray, beg, plead, etc for our A's to get sober. We just know our lives would be perfect or near perfect, well much better anyway, if they would just stop drinking. I am not here to burst anyones dreams or dash their hopes, but living with and alcoholic, in recovery or not, is a difficult task and not for meek by any means.

For us, treatment opened up a whole new and additional set of problems to pile on top of the massive pile we already had before us. It was not pretty. Our (I say "our" because the treatment center he went through, involved me and I was required to attend one year of aftercare as well) first year of recovery was hell to say the least. If I had not promised him I would give it one year, I would have been gone two weeks after he got home. But I am a firm believer of keeping promises, today I have learned to not make promises I am not 100% sure I can keep without making my life miserable.

That said, I am glad I gave him that promise and that time. It was hard time, but somtimes we have to walk through hell to get to the other side.

Anyway, I can't say what living with and active A would be like AFTER Alanon, I can only pray that I would have the strength to use what I have learned, show some compassion, not engage, detatch and let him deal with his drinking on his own. There is on magic I can share, each person is different. Only you know what you are willing to put up with.......I put up with a lot........would I today.......some yes, some no.....I have boundries now.

Go read my posts from two and a half years ago when I started on here and see if you sense the anger, bitterness, resentment, ........lol..........it takes time to learn to accept life on lifes terms. You husband doesnt choose to be and alcoholic, it is a fate that was dealt to him. If he choosed to ask for and seek help to control his disease is entirely up to him. Accept him for who he is and what he is and work to take care of yourself, that is really the bottom line. Love him when he is sober and detatch and let him deal with himself when he is drinking or drunk. Go about your own business as if nothing has changed (knowing full well you have changed). You can only pray he will see the difference in you and want what you have.

I am sorry I couldn't give you some magic answer to your questions, but there really isn't any. Just learn to love yourself, take care of yourself and look for that peaceful place inside of you where you don't have to let others be in charge of how you feel because you are the only one that has the power to control your feelings.

Remember, YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT, YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT AND YOU CAN'T CURE IT.

You can only change yourself, so get to work, learn, ASK QUESTIONS, listen, observe, you will get it, just keep trying.

steve11694

May I suggest that anyone wanting to lose consider living with an active addict. It sure worked for me, about 25 lbs