kj21

Just need to vent. I am at my wits end, my AH keeps pulling the wool over my eyes, again and again. I know in my heart that he will not change, keeps relaping, lying, aking friends for money, even borrowed 20 buck from my sons friend a few weeks ago. I told him he has to go, then he breaks down, so sorry, never do that again, so embarrest quack quack quack. But why do I keep falling for it? I do love him, but don't we all love our addicts and alcoholics? He has missed 2 days of work in the last 2 weeks. He won't change ever. I need to get it together and leave him behind to sink or swim. aaaarrggg!!!!!!!!!! WHY CAN'T THEY JUST BE NORMAL ALL THE TIME? why the roller coaster, I must get out from this for my kids, if my daughter ever hooked up with a guy who lied, stole money then called it borrowing, manipulated the way my Ah does I think I would kidnap her away from him. Too many broken promises, too many heart aches. He is not in AA, he did do a 35 day stint in rehab last December. I feel like no one ever recovers really, every guy he kept in touch with has relapsed too! IDIOTS. I used to blame his Addicted brother but he was run out of town months ago, and my ah still is an idiot without him. Eye opener!!!
thanks for letting me ramble!

GlassPrisoner

Sorry to hear that you're going through that . It's typical alkie behaivor. We alkies put our loved ones through a lot of ,ummm, stuff. Read "To Wives" in the Big Book for a good idea.

*ahem* Look around you. There's a lot of recovering As here in the forums. It DOES happen.

Anyway, the girls here are probably gonna tell you to get to al-anon and work on yourself, let him end up where he may. I think that's pretty good advice.

lillian

i wish i could be normal any of the time, and i'm not an AH. that's the thing-- neither person in the relationship is probably normal- it may be easier to heal on our own, away from the nuttiness of the relationship. like you said, if your daughter were in the relationship, you'd pull her out-- so pull yourself out. easier said than done. recovery for either party is hard, but it can happen-- it better happen! i want to recover before my hair goes grey... we'll see... i guess there's always hair dye.

Kitty86

I go though this almost every week. Mark is very good at trying to pull the wool over my eyes. He even tries to lie about going to pub. He keeps forgetting that being pregnant gives you a very strong sence of smell and I can smell it on his breth. He also lie about how much he has drank. He says he has had one but I know he hasn't because it smells too strong.

I really hope things get better soon hun.

HKAngel24

KJ-

I know your frustration- wishing and hoping they'll change.
It's as if we actually GET that we cannot change them- that THEY need to make that decision themselves, but it's the letting go part that is so difficult.

I think there is tremendous loss and grief in the acceptance of an alcoholic/addict. The point at which we accept that nothing will change unless we change and it CANNOT be a change in which we "hope" to spur some reaction in them. That is just another form of manipulation that will eventually backfire on me- I find. If you don't have any Al-ANon literature. I would suggest maybe you try to pick up a daily reader- The Courage to Change, One Day at a Time. I have CTC and (most days) I read it in the morning and it gives me a bit of advice to help me deal with the day. Another one that helps me is Language of Letting Go.
It's Sept. 4th entry was especially striking to me- It was entitled "Finding direction" and spoke of how our lives have revolved around another for so long that when we consider what WE ourselves want to be doing and where we want to be going - we are faced with incredible confusion. It helped me remind me that each of us have lives of purpose and meaning- that we were created for more than an alcoholics or addicts punching bag and that it is not our life's mission to fix them or change them. We must see that there is more destined for us out there -but only for our taking. We must take the steps to manifest that.

I understand your negativity towards recovery and like the others I have to agree that recovery is possible for them, but only when they want it- on their time and not a moment sooner. This is always terribly hard for us to accept since we want them well and we want it NOW before we go thru anymore heartache OR before we leave for fear that they'll clean up their act for someone else.
I am not the poster child for healthy relationships or self-care but I am learning that I can only ever get better when I make the changes for ME and not with someone else in mind.
You deserve so much more than this bottomless frustration. You deserve someone who will make you happy and give you the world. Because they do exist.

denny57

I finally had to admit I was allowing the wool to be pulled over my eyes. Didn't want to do that, because it meant I had to take action on my own behalf. That hurts. I say it maybe too often here, but it sure gave me an appreciation of why it's difficult for the addict to change, too. Change is hard.

kj21

*ahem* Look around you. There's a lot of recovering As here in the forums. It DOES happen.

Sorry, I do know it does happen for some, when they are ready!
Thank you for all your posts, it does help.
Heather, i really enjoy your posts!

I have given it alot of thought thru the night, I have talked to my teenage kids about the possibility of AH and I seperating. It feels right and I feel strong one minute , then bam, I start to feel scared, lonely, thinking maybe.... But I know I have to stop that thinking, thats what has kept me here for too long, hoping and believing him when he says he will change.
I have asked him to start looking for somewhere else to live. We didn't talk the rest of the night except he said he was going to a meeting and would come right home after. Which he did ( come home, who knows about the meeting part)
The part that is so sad for both of us is that I know he isn't happy with who he is, and he does love us, and we love him, but he can't control his behavior and cravings. I truly hope he does some work on himself, and I am starting to see that he won't do that with me around to fall back on. I have been too easy on him, wanting to believe, and supporting him emotionally.
I am slowly starting to get it.

THANK YOU every one for being here!!!