Need to Vent, Why am I the bad guy?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 66
Need to Vent, Why am I the bad guy?
I haven't posted for a while because I have actually been focusing on other things lately, me and my son. I've been doing pretty well until today and now I am extremely frustrated.
The AH calls this evening (usually to talk to our son) and he states that he dropped off the application to rent this house he found. Then in the next sentence he says, I really don't want to. I asked him what it was he wanted to do, move back in with us and his reply was yes, ideally.
I have told him several times in the 4 months that we have been apart that as long as he is drinking, there is NO chance to reconcille or to even talk about it. Well, he hasn't stopped drinking, he hasn't taken ownership for the actions he took to get us to this point (the lies, the other woman...). Apparently he thinks that I will just forget about all of that and let him back in. Argh!
The reason I am frustrated is because it seems that he continually puts me in the position where I have to be the bad guy and say NO, over and over again. I am getting sick of it! He has asked to move back in and I told him NO. He asked if he could stay here for a week while the house gets ready. He caught me off guard on this one and I told him I would have to really think about it. He said never mind and I took that. Now this, put on the guilt because he wants to come home without changing or owning up to a thing.
Why am I feeling so guilty? I don't get it. I am moving on with my life without him and he won't leave it alone. I haven't filed for divorce yet because I am not ready to do that yet. Is that what I need to do so he gets the blatent hint? I have been very honest with him and my feelings and he continues to push push push. I just wish I understood why I feel guilty when I don't want him in the house.
Thanks for letting me vent. I just needed to get it out.
The AH calls this evening (usually to talk to our son) and he states that he dropped off the application to rent this house he found. Then in the next sentence he says, I really don't want to. I asked him what it was he wanted to do, move back in with us and his reply was yes, ideally.
I have told him several times in the 4 months that we have been apart that as long as he is drinking, there is NO chance to reconcille or to even talk about it. Well, he hasn't stopped drinking, he hasn't taken ownership for the actions he took to get us to this point (the lies, the other woman...). Apparently he thinks that I will just forget about all of that and let him back in. Argh!
The reason I am frustrated is because it seems that he continually puts me in the position where I have to be the bad guy and say NO, over and over again. I am getting sick of it! He has asked to move back in and I told him NO. He asked if he could stay here for a week while the house gets ready. He caught me off guard on this one and I told him I would have to really think about it. He said never mind and I took that. Now this, put on the guilt because he wants to come home without changing or owning up to a thing.
Why am I feeling so guilty? I don't get it. I am moving on with my life without him and he won't leave it alone. I haven't filed for divorce yet because I am not ready to do that yet. Is that what I need to do so he gets the blatent hint? I have been very honest with him and my feelings and he continues to push push push. I just wish I understood why I feel guilty when I don't want him in the house.
Thanks for letting me vent. I just needed to get it out.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
I went through this one stuff too ... he desperately wanted to come home and did everything in his power to make me feel guilty, but didn't stop drinking.
All I can suggest is that you hold your ground because things will be just like before if you break.
Love
All I can suggest is that you hold your ground because things will be just like before if you break.
Love
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 66
That is exactly why I won't entertain the idea. We have gone through the cycle over and over and over. I get mad, he slows down on the drinking. There is peace in the household. Time goes on, the drinking increases and we are back to where we began. That is why I absolutly will not take him back if he is still drinking. In fact, I'm not sure I would take him back if he wasn't at this point.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Ditto! Been there done that too!
Stick to your boundries and do not allow him to return because things will not change as long as he is still drinking! Know that you are not the "bad guy" and quite honestly either is he, he is just an alcoholic and it is what they do! And as long as he is not in any type of program and continues to drink, his behavior will also continue. He has choices and so do you! Make your choices to do for you and your son!
Try although it is hard to keep doing the great job that you have and focus on happiness for you and your son! The both of you are what is important-
If you allow him to make you feel as if you are the bad guy and to feel frustrated then he is succeeding in what he wants to do!
Stay strong
Stick to your boundries and do not allow him to return because things will not change as long as he is still drinking! Know that you are not the "bad guy" and quite honestly either is he, he is just an alcoholic and it is what they do! And as long as he is not in any type of program and continues to drink, his behavior will also continue. He has choices and so do you! Make your choices to do for you and your son!
Try although it is hard to keep doing the great job that you have and focus on happiness for you and your son! The both of you are what is important-
If you allow him to make you feel as if you are the bad guy and to feel frustrated then he is succeeding in what he wants to do!
Stay strong
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Why am I feeling so guilty? I don't get it.
We have gone through the cycle over and over and over.
It's the old way, the same old dance.
You need not feel quilty because he is not ready to accept responsibility for his actions.
You are doing what is necessary for you and your child.
Good job!!!!!
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
i always used to say to my Abf, "why do i always have to police you? to parent you? isnt there some mechanism in your mind that directs you to ask and answer these questions on your own?"
now i know; the answer is NO.
i also have a son with my Abf. he calls everyday and asks to come home. he has called from the beds' of other women when we were together, he has never fully taken in how his coming home would impact our son, i had given him guidelines, rules, or boundaries that must be met; he refused. i spend days at a time with the phone switched off.
im sorry that you have to be the police all the time, but your son is still in need of that. and so are you. i am too. it is really hard when you are lonely, and maybe want to pretend for a minute that you have a happy family. be strong. you arent the bad guy to me, you are a strong and heroic parent.
now i know; the answer is NO.
i also have a son with my Abf. he calls everyday and asks to come home. he has called from the beds' of other women when we were together, he has never fully taken in how his coming home would impact our son, i had given him guidelines, rules, or boundaries that must be met; he refused. i spend days at a time with the phone switched off.
im sorry that you have to be the police all the time, but your son is still in need of that. and so are you. i am too. it is really hard when you are lonely, and maybe want to pretend for a minute that you have a happy family. be strong. you arent the bad guy to me, you are a strong and heroic parent.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
i always used to say to my Abf, "why do i always have to police you? to parent you? isnt there some mechanism in your mind that directs you to ask and answer these questions on your own?"
now i know; the answer is NO.
i also have a son with my Abf. he calls everyday and asks to come home. he has called from the beds' of other women when we were together, he has never fully taken in how his coming home would impact our son, i had given him guidelines, rules, or boundaries that must be met; he refused. i spend days at a time with the phone switched off.
im sorry that you have to be the police all the time, but your son is still in need of that. and so are you. i am too. it is really hard when you are lonely, and maybe want to pretend for a minute that you have a happy family. be strong. you arent the bad guy to me, you are a strong and heroic parent.
Today 10:35 PM
now i know; the answer is NO.
i also have a son with my Abf. he calls everyday and asks to come home. he has called from the beds' of other women when we were together, he has never fully taken in how his coming home would impact our son, i had given him guidelines, rules, or boundaries that must be met; he refused. i spend days at a time with the phone switched off.
im sorry that you have to be the police all the time, but your son is still in need of that. and so are you. i am too. it is really hard when you are lonely, and maybe want to pretend for a minute that you have a happy family. be strong. you arent the bad guy to me, you are a strong and heroic parent.
Today 10:35 PM
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Been there, too. Many many many times. Until the last time, six months ago. Stay strong. It will get easier.
The only thing that works for me is no contact. zip. nada. If you can't go no contact, then restrict conversations to just the child. If he starts on something else, hang up, walk away, whatever. Just don't let him in your head.
Oh, and the journal I kept for the last two years with all the drama kept me focused, too. All I had to do is read a couple of pages if I started to forget why I did what I did.
Hang in there!
The only thing that works for me is no contact. zip. nada. If you can't go no contact, then restrict conversations to just the child. If he starts on something else, hang up, walk away, whatever. Just don't let him in your head.
Oh, and the journal I kept for the last two years with all the drama kept me focused, too. All I had to do is read a couple of pages if I started to forget why I did what I did.
Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Thanks....I really needed to read this right now!
(Just got an email and decided not to respond; not to apologize for possibly making him feel badly for just making a statement of fact.)
I got the same thing,too (except for the begging to come home....probably because he had the job/$ and I was SAHM). When you start really listening to the ridiculous things they say and the threats and excuses....it actually is rather pathetic. The kids and I can be insulted,lied to, ignored,bullied,etc.,etc and that is to be "overlooked" but heaven forbid that one thing the A does and says is not tolerated(justifiably) and boo-hoo-hoo...the entire world is picking on him!! I sometimes forget my A is an adult (53yr).
He knows your boundary...just trying to wear you down and hope it works again. Would be so much easier for him than doing what he knows he has to do. If he can't guilt you, my guess is he will sweet talk you, threaten you in a way that he knows will scare you (other women, loose job,etc) anything he thinks will make you buckle. Good luck; you're doing just fine!
(Just got an email and decided not to respond; not to apologize for possibly making him feel badly for just making a statement of fact.)
I got the same thing,too (except for the begging to come home....probably because he had the job/$ and I was SAHM). When you start really listening to the ridiculous things they say and the threats and excuses....it actually is rather pathetic. The kids and I can be insulted,lied to, ignored,bullied,etc.,etc and that is to be "overlooked" but heaven forbid that one thing the A does and says is not tolerated(justifiably) and boo-hoo-hoo...the entire world is picking on him!! I sometimes forget my A is an adult (53yr).
He knows your boundary...just trying to wear you down and hope it works again. Would be so much easier for him than doing what he knows he has to do. If he can't guilt you, my guess is he will sweet talk you, threaten you in a way that he knows will scare you (other women, loose job,etc) anything he thinks will make you buckle. Good luck; you're doing just fine!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 209
I am going through exactly the same thing!!! My AH does call to talk to me but mostly to our son. When he talks to him he is so sweet and acts like I'm being so bad for not letting him come home ( me...the bad guy). Thank goodness our son is 14 and understands what is going on and knows that as long as his dad is drinking (and whatever else) I won't let him back in the house.
When he talks to me he begs and pleads to come home to the house that he built. I keep reminding him that because of his actions the house that he built may have to be sold!!!! Of course, that doesn't faze him in the least. It's still all my fault. Although he says that he has never blamed me for any of this to other people, he used to blame me all the time to my face when he was drunk.
Let's make a deal...if you'll stand your ground, I'll stand mine!!! We can do this together!!!
Sue
When he talks to me he begs and pleads to come home to the house that he built. I keep reminding him that because of his actions the house that he built may have to be sold!!!! Of course, that doesn't faze him in the least. It's still all my fault. Although he says that he has never blamed me for any of this to other people, he used to blame me all the time to my face when he was drunk.
Let's make a deal...if you'll stand your ground, I'll stand mine!!! We can do this together!!!
Sue
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: iowa
Posts: 93
It was always that way with my stbxah too.
My fault he couldn't see his kids whenever (cause I didn't trust them to be alone with him),
my fault I asked him to leave,
you name it I was the the one at fault and the bad guy.
I wonder how he can now make it my fault he didn't show up for court for the divorce.
The 2 undecided items were joint vs. sole custody of the kids
and $100/mo vs. $431/mo child support.
Even that couldn't bring him to face reality.
You are NOT the bad guy.
Just the one with the brains right now.
Stick to your guns.... You and your son are worth it!
My fault he couldn't see his kids whenever (cause I didn't trust them to be alone with him),
my fault I asked him to leave,
you name it I was the the one at fault and the bad guy.
I wonder how he can now make it my fault he didn't show up for court for the divorce.
The 2 undecided items were joint vs. sole custody of the kids
and $100/mo vs. $431/mo child support.
Even that couldn't bring him to face reality.
You are NOT the bad guy.
Just the one with the brains right now.
Stick to your guns.... You and your son are worth it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by suzieq1972 
Let's make a deal...if you'll stand your ground, I'll stand mine!!! We can do this together!!!
Sue
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by adobe69
i always used to say to my Abf, "why do i always have to police you? to parent you? isnt there some mechanism in your mind that directs you to ask and answer these questions on your own?"
now i know; the answer is NO.
now i know; the answer is NO.
Sad but true.
8675309 - As a very wise Satit once said to me...Screw guilt. Do what you need to do for you and your son. This gets easier the more you recover from codependency - you begin to feel entitled to your calm and peaceful home, not guilty because you aren't sharing this with a non-deserving person. Hugs coming your way (((8675309)))
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