lillian

the past two times i have dated people, they have been over the top exciting romantic b.s. I have been the one in both cases to be cynical, saying slow down, you can't like anyone that fast-- the last guy told me i must have been hurt really badly not to trust people, and i should have more confidence, regard myself more highly-- he said all of this romantic stuff, and honestly i believed it- he is gone for three months and promised he wrote, asked me if i could wait for him, all this junk-- called me from the other side of the world to urgently tell me he wasn't able to email me with the address i'd given him, would i write him-- so non trusting cynical me responded, wrote him i was so happy to hear from him and missed him-- a sentence or two back, then nothing- i asked if i'd offended him somehow, and i got a breezy email back saying sorry he hasn't had time, he's been working and he'd call- that was two weeks ago. no call, no email. so, i am being blown off. but why don't i get angry or laugh and shrug it off? why am i looking at my emails and mail box hoping he'll write or send me a package like he'd promised? i meant what i said to him-- i don't understand why he said all that junk to me. it wasn't necessary. he made such a big point of saying meeting someone like me/him/meeting someone you really have a gut feeling for doesn't happen that often, not to let the opportunity go by for fear of being hurt, how he was really going to make an effort for me for that reason... but now, not even the effort of an email.

i feel like i am not normal, i am tainted-- is saying a bunch of romantic junk just what people do to get down people's pants? i know i sound naive, but i have been out of the dating loop for so long-- actually i was never in it-- so i want to know. i mean, why not just say you want to sleep with someone without the extra romantic junk? that works too and isn't a lie. i believed him. i really want to be in a place where rejection does not phase me a bit-- where i can be happy without the notion of being in love-- i miss that kind of attention so much-- and i don't really go to bars anymore, or at all really, so i don't know... i wish i didn't want romantic attention so i didn't get hurt and take it so seriously. i feel like a high school girl. i have an opportunity to see someone early on, stage one-- so if i have learned anything from my last relationship with an AH (this latest guy is one too, i'm fairly certian, judging by many many things...) i should say, oh, someone who doesn't keep his word, oh well, don't want to be with one like that-- instead, i have the classic "he doesn't want me, so i must really like him/will suffer a loss without him-- " really, i'd be in a loss WITH him... but i am so tempted to write him again like a loser-- "dear john, why don't you write me?" i know why-- because he doesn't like me that much; if he did, he would. arrgh.... stupid stupid heart and hormones...

Jazzman

Dating post break up...
Rejection? Hate it.... even if it's from a weirdo, (go figure).
I think the secret is to not be looking, then you will find it.
Be yourself and it will be easy to spot people who aren't.

Cynay

Ouch sweetie... dont be too hard on yourself.

Who in the heck does not want to be loved, you would hardly be human if you did'nt. Who does not want that romance, trust.... that feeling that you just "know" they love you and they show you all the time how into you they are with all the little romantic things... by making you a priority once in awhile, by remembering those little things that melt your heart. Your normal and that is a VERY healthy desire and one that you "should" have so dont berate yourself for wanting it or for seeking it out and trying to trust..... My hat off to you, it takes a hell of alot more courage to put yourself out there so the mirical can happen then to isolate yourself from even trying and sitting in that "safty zone".

I agree with Jazz in being yourself, but perhaps being the self you are going too or want to be. First of all I had to figure out who that person was. Not that Im there by a long shot but Im on my way and I work on myself everyday. Next I had to figure out what love really looked like.... again Im no where near there but I work on that everyday too. Im currently in a relationship that I question all the time because Im not use to healthy... and to be quite honest Im not at all sure I like healthy even when I know Im there... It does not feel as exciting as some of my "unhealthy" feelings/behavior did.

I have to say that just telling someone you want to sleep with them and not adding the romantic stuff does not work on me.... Im a sucker for the romance. Honestly his chances were not good unless you were convienced of what he was feeling, and who is to say that he does/did not feel it when he said it... Like the Alcoholic that tells you he is going to stop drinking, sometimes they do mean it when they say it. That is where knowing yourself, giving yourself time and trusting yourself comes into play. I do believe in that chemistry that happens so quickly... but I also know that it can quickly wear off. I also believe that the best relationships develope out of friendships because that has been my experience...and it does not happen often that the chemistry, friendship and passion combine and I get "THAT" feeling in a relationship.... I know that is to be cherished.... even if it does not have the chance to grow/develope.

Like you said you have been out of the loop for awhile, give yourself a break and make the choice to go slower if that is what is right for you.... there are no rules and sometimes it just sucks. I also dont like learning the lessons sometimes too... But being the romantic I am... I have to trust in the end it will be worth it...

CBrown

Lillian, I understand what you're saying. You remind me of Tootsie (Dustin Hoffman and Jessica Lange). I'll paraphrase. Lange tells Dorothy (Hoffman in drag) ... "I think it would be so refreshing not to play games. Like if a man walked up to me at a party and said 'I could lay a whole line on you, but the truth of the matter is that I find you extremely attractive and would like to go to bed with you.' Wouldn't that be great?" Dorothy's jaw about drops. Then Michael Dorsey (Hoffman as a man now) sees her at a party a couple weeks later, walks up to her and exactly quotes what she'd said. What does she do? Throw her drink in his face.

The fact of the matter is that we women enjoy the games, the romance, the wooing. And men know if they're up front with us, 99% of the time the woman would throw the drink in his face. They learn early what works and go with the game. Sometimes the games are very very cruel, sometimes very very honest. It's hard to weed out the bad ones, and even when you think you have a good one, it's not always the case. And all of us on this board are living proof of it.

That's why I'm saying "I'm out of the game, coach!"

DII

if it's any consolation you're way ahead of me! I can't even fathom a new relationship since I am drained and exhausted by my A! I agree with the other posts though. Stop looking and you will find something. It's like the couple that stress about conceiving and when they stop trying so hard they get pregnant!

Take some time for yourself, figure out what you want and let it just happen!

WantsOut

Sounds to me like you're older and wiser, and that guy is a douche. He didn't like that you wouldn't buy into his lines immediately. Too effin bad.

I had one feller write me a one line email that he "needed to reschedule" our first date. Poof - eliminated from my roster. Red flag, baby.

I am me and I need no one else. If someone comes along who enhances my life, that's one thing. Anyone who causes me grief or disrespects me (by MY definition) is history.

oh boy, who is cynical now

HKAngel24

Lillian-

There is nothing wrong with you.
Please believe me. You are not tainted.
You have just been burned and you have responded by withdrawing to protect yourself. I, too, have responded like you MANY, MANY times. Some I have done with the true intention that I was too afraid to be involved, but others I have acted aloof for purely because that was my mode of manipulation- that was the hook that I caught them with and reeled them in on and I was pretty bad. In retrospect I don't see myself as trying to regulate others like puppets on strings, but I was in desperate need of trying to get my needs met (time, love, attention, affection, validation) and so I would strive to do whatever was needed to ensure that they were met.
You held yourself back from emotionally investing yourself initally with this man until you felt that the ground seemed somewhat steady and revealing your feelings was a bit safer. Now you feel as though- as soon as you did, he has withdrawn.
The problem lies NOT IN YOU!!!
It lies in him!! It is his issues- not yours that create his response to this situation. Some people are entralled by the "chase" in a relationship- of trying to get the other to be emotionally attached to them and when they are - they withdraw. Now I am not saying this is what this man is doing because neither one of us truly know that. Only he knows his true intentions. THe important thing to remember is that his reactions may be in part reactions to you and things you have said and done, but ultimately they are based on HIM and no one else.

It is NOT a matter of you being undesirable or unlovable. You are NOT either of those things. When you focus on that person's end of the spectrum- how THEY feel about YOU- you will always come up feeling less than... In reality, we should all REMEMBER that we are whole, lovable and worthy without any other person in our lives to make us whole. We don't need to deny our need for affection, but we also don't need to sell ourselves or act in a way that is not our best interest just to get our needs met.

EVEN when abf was in rehab I would race home with knots in my stomach everyday wishing, hoping for a letter and than agonizing over him daily since we could not speak, convinced that his feelings for me would change.
But for me personally, I often feel like I am psychoanalytical crazy woman- examining every sentance, word, action or reaction and searching for the hidden implications that inevitably mean -
There is something wrong with me, rendering me unlovable- ultimately resulting in rejection my greatest fear. I have done EVERYTHING for so much of my life based in this fear alone. I forfeited many things because I was too afraid of rejection- afraid it would break me. And I was right- it would have broken me. I wasn't emotionally strong enough to be able to deal with that. I didn't have my head on straight. Other people's opinions of me were more important than my own opinions because over the past year I stopped giving myself my own validity. I imaged that others were the key to happiness and wholeness and that I was inherently lacking and must find something outside of myself to "right" me.

It is my understanding (and don't hate me for this- becacause I inevitably roll my eyes whenever this cliche is brought out of the bag) that until we accept ourselves as we are- imperfections, neuroses and all- that it will be hard to not only believe that someone else truly loves us, but for us to participate in a relationship where we and the other person equally bring things to the table. It is my experience that enjoying the simplicity of "getting to know another" and of beginnings absent from scruity and discomfort only seems possible when we are comfortable with who we are, as we sit here today. For too long I have tried to put my best face forward- concealing, flipping, repositioning myself to hide my flaws. When we learn to just let ourselves be as is- I think is when things become simple. I, by no means, have ANYTHING figured out. Not even CLOSE! But I know that my life cannot or will not bring me any TRUE joy until I am able to see the good that I have to offer by just being me. Yes I do require what some would label "alot" from another, but that is my right and that is me. I am a complex creature who things and feels deeply. I have rejected myself too long. All that self-rejection is something we don't even realize. It is self-defeating and is something that we participate in everytime we even slightly feel we are being rejected. We deserve to be gentle with ourselves and accept ourselves wholly as we are.


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cagefree

There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a healthy relationship with mutual respect, and mutual commitment.

Thank God you now have the eyes to see through this and know there is something wrong with it, it's not healthy and not for you.

Yeah - everything everyone else said - and they said it perfectly! I love Jazzman's response especially - even if it's a weirdo - LOL!