Buffalo66

HI, as some of you may know, I am new to the site, and also to Alanon. This is both a post for support and feedback, and also just a RANT. I have no one else to say all this to but my support groups.

I have been seriously mentally and psychologically damaged by my Aex. He is my childs' father, and I have carried all the financial burden of it all. I have been cheated on, lied to, tricked... you know the drill.

I began my Alanon meetings, and have grabbed some literature, read it, and I am struggling with some "dos and donts", as well as the basic ideas.

First off, I will be brutally honest; I Do not feel, at this time, that I can find a way to treat my A with "respect and dignity".I feel so degraded by my life with him. I am so angry. I know it is a process, but RIGHT NOW, I am sucking at this.He has even said to me at times, that I have been abusive to him(sorry, but it just pales in comparison...I was self defending, he gets to drink away his fault and guilt. I have to be responsible for my anger), and that treating him bad just makes him want to drink more and more out of guilt over the life he has allowed.He is homeless for Gods sake!!

Secondly, and in contradiction, I am feeling so guilty. The books and literature ask that we dont question them, argue with them when drunk. Make them feel bad, etc.
I have been so mean, and I know it, and I know why. I have become a person that I DO NOT like, when it comes to him. I feel like I have been a bad person, and how will I suddenly shift to being this accepting, live and let live person?? Why do I need to face all this guilt, when he may never even face anything?

I know I need to give it time. I guess I am freaking out at the idea of losing my right to be so angry, and at the same time desperate to let go of all this poison.I guess my scrambled eggs mind is unravelling a little, which is GOOD, but, i am feeling a compulsive need to call HIM and tell him about MY progress, and to apologize, and come clean about MY inner life. I am scared to talk to him. the phone is constantly turned off, in an attempt to avoid talking to him.He keeps calling to see what is up. I have told him that I will speak with him through a mediator only, that I am putting my pieces together. That I am done playing, and he will not get the ball back from me, The last toss he made just dropped at my feet and I walked away.

He has less than 90 days to get into a detox program, and he is not making those moves. He will go to jail if he does not do it, and I fight myself everyday from calling to poke him, prod him, nag him to do it. I am having trouble letting go.

Any support goes so far for me, I love you all for being here, thank you.

denny57

Keep going back. The situation today did not happen suddenly; change in yourself will not happen suddenly. It is progress, not perfection.

Many things I did when I first went to Al-Anon felt so unnatural, today it is like brushing my teeth.

Good luck and try to remember to be good to you - that is who this is about - not his drinking.

((()))

parentrecovers

be patient with yourself, recovery takes time and practice. blessings, k

CE Girl

Your doing the "right" things to maintain your boundary's and detach,,, Now I ask, WHERE do you think that comes from?!?!?! he,he,he

I too felt like a fish outta water at my first months of alanon. Listened, but felt I wasn't "getting" it,,I finally figured out, I was confusing my recovery with mourning. Two seperate things. In fact, the mourning was caused by my recovery. You call it dropping the ball, I call it mourning the loss.

Anger and Guilt are part of the mourning process. You'll also expereince sadness, denial, acceptance and other "symptoms"

Not answering the phone and maintaining no contact IS recovery.

You know what I found? I may "feel" like I'm not "getting it" but SOMETHING is sticking,,, I'm "listening and processing" without even KNOWING!!

Keep going,,and keep taking care of you,,,

Peace

wpgwoman

Hey adobe69, once again you have surprised me by allowing me to read a situation or experience that has mimicked my own life. I too tried going to meetings, just to have to admit to myself that there were things I felt I could not accept or follow through on.
Just did not make any sense to me. Perhaps if I had given it more time maybe I could have learned.
My biggest fault is my mouth. After waiting for hours for him to get home, hearing him stumble with his keys to try and unlock the door, my gut was tied up in knots with the anticipation of waiting to blast him upon staggering in the door at 5am.

I felt I was justified in telling him how badly his actions made me feel. I wanted him to feel some of the same pain he caused for me. I just couldn't believe that these people at Al-Anon wanted me to say nothing. It was only years later I realized, he didn't listen the first hundred time I was screaming at him, what is going to be different this morning at 5am.

What I did learn to do eventually(not all the time though, old habits and all)is wait until he bounced off a couple of walls while staggering in, look him straight into his half open eyes, point down at my watch, and shake my head back and forth. It was my lack of words that actually took him by surprise. I believe saying nothing had more of an impact on him than screaming at him for an hour.

Going to the meetings I did go to helped me get to that point. I think had I given it more time I could have learned even more useful ways of handling my situation as well. Maybe it could have helped me find another way to feel the satisfaction or the release I needed to feel that I only found by confronting him and trying to make him feel guilty. It was always a short lived feeling of satisfaction, which allowed my cycle to continue. (still does by the way)

Don't give up on Al-Anon. Hang in for the long run. It can only make you stronger, right?
Angie

cmc

Welcome to SR!
When I saw what others in recovery had that I didn't have, I reacted in two ways. First of all I wanted what they had and yet I have to admit that in some areas what they had seemed out of reach and sometimes unreal. Once I began the journey I learned otherwise.
It takes time and it takes alot of practice, plus willingness to change in order for me to learn how to live a different way. It's worth every effort.
As many will tell you, Alanon and forum like this one are about YOU. Your anger can help you and harm you. I know a woman who spent some time in jail charged with assault....for defending herself! I used to get angry at things out of my control and not get angry properly at things that _I_ needed to change about me. Alanon and learning about my own recovery turned my life around. The healthy use of anger is when I learn to channel it and use it to define boundaries and to help me make decisions. Holding onto it just causes _me_ harm and things remain the same...or more often they will get worse if I don't learn to let go.
? You don't have to face his guilt, you can learn to let him face it. Arguing with a drunk person is futile and more than a waste of my time and emotional energy and that's why I wouldn't do that. How the other person feels is up to them.
You are learning quickly! It's not easy to unlearn and relearn. I never imagined that I would come to a place where I could truly let go of my addicted son. I never saw myself being glad that he would be arrested. I spent many years trying to prevent that from happening! He did end up in jail twice- and I removed myself from the situation both times. He was 'in' for a month and then a few years later for almost a year. He has been clean for 16 months now and I still practice my own recovery despite the fact that 'my reason' for starting on this journey was his active addiction.
That's a very kind thing to say and I feel the same about this place and all the wonderful people here.
I'm so glad to meet you and look forward to hearing from you soon.

lilac

Don't give up on Al-anon. I know some of it feels so strange. One group I have been to says "take what you want and leave the rest". Take from your meetings what you feel you need right now in this moment, yes, that need will change, but just take it at your own pace. All of this did not happen overnight, so things won't just "click" back into place overnight.

Be gentle with yourself.

(((Hugs to you)))

MsPINKAcres

"losing my right to be so angry" - really stood out to me and I wanted to just let you know how I look at my recovery thru Al-Anon. I too thought that this program was going to make me start believing all his lies again, can't be angry, blah, blah, blah.

But what I found was the ability to have my anger, sadness, hurt, and not REACT on these emotions in an unhealthy way. It wasn't that I could no longer be angry - it was just that I didn't react in anger.

With the help of the program, my sponsor, the literature and lots of meetings, I began to be able to process all the emotions and then I could communicate that I felt anger about a situation - but that anger no longer controlled me. My HP & I were in control of me & my life - not the A's in my life, not the disease of alcoholism/addiction and not my emotions.

I didn't get in this place overnight & don't always stay in this healthy place - I have to continue using the tools of the program to keep this focus on me. It does take time and it can happen for you in your HP's timing for you.

The fact that you are attending meetings, posting here and reaching out for help is awesome - it shows that you are looking for help for you and to me that's part of what recovery is about.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

Spiritual Seeker

Remember Al-Anon is for you. The purpose is to help you be the best you can be to make the best life choices and learn a new way of thinking. As you progress and start working the steps, you can change in ways you can't imagine today. Your life can be diff. no matter what your addict is doing. I know, I found out. It allows me to take my own inventory instead of everyone elses.