Jealous, confused, lost, concerned.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Falling Waters, WV
Posts: 150
Jealous, confused, lost, concerned.....
I have stayed away from this site for a few days nows, at first when I found the site I was on it morning..noon...and...night because I wanted to gather all the information on this problem that is wrecking lives everywhere, everyday, every hour, every minute. At first when I read success stories, it gave me a glimps of hope that someday I will be writing a story such as that...and...I felt so happy for the people who were telling their story. As days go by and I haven't heard from my daughter, it appears that me telling my success story will never happen...and...that discourages me and as much as I hate admitting it, makes me jealous and so resentful. I want my daughter back, I want my grandkids to know the wonderful person that she was before she allowed drugs to take over her life. I want the laughter that we shared!!!
I think right now, it is the jealousy part that is making me crumble inside. I can't find it within me right now to be happy for others. I have always been a kind and given person and right now I feel as though I am being self-centered because I want what everyone else has. Don't get me wrong, I know deep down inside I am happy for anyone who has a success story....I just don't know how to deal with it right now especially during a time that I am trying to finalize taking my grandbabies away from their drug addicted mother. I am not happy doing this, the last thing I wanted was to raise babies again...but..this is something that I am forced to do to ensure that have a happy and healthy life. But, as I sit here telling everyone I am not happy, how to I provide them with the life they need. How do I do this with a part of my life missing ...not knowing if she will ever come back?? How do I just go on day by day...putting on a front making everyone think that I am strong and Okay?? I am not, I am dieing inside, I hurt, i struggle, I hate, I am saddend and worst of all...I am jealous. I hate being me right now, I hate the lies I have to live with and the fear of not knowing.
Sorry, I am just so frustrated. I spend the weekend with family...i put on the BIG front....all while I was dieing inside. I listen to everyone tell me what they would do..when NONE of them have a freaking clue as to what I am going through. I am just sick of it all.
I think right now, it is the jealousy part that is making me crumble inside. I can't find it within me right now to be happy for others. I have always been a kind and given person and right now I feel as though I am being self-centered because I want what everyone else has. Don't get me wrong, I know deep down inside I am happy for anyone who has a success story....I just don't know how to deal with it right now especially during a time that I am trying to finalize taking my grandbabies away from their drug addicted mother. I am not happy doing this, the last thing I wanted was to raise babies again...but..this is something that I am forced to do to ensure that have a happy and healthy life. But, as I sit here telling everyone I am not happy, how to I provide them with the life they need. How do I do this with a part of my life missing ...not knowing if she will ever come back?? How do I just go on day by day...putting on a front making everyone think that I am strong and Okay?? I am not, I am dieing inside, I hurt, i struggle, I hate, I am saddend and worst of all...I am jealous. I hate being me right now, I hate the lies I have to live with and the fear of not knowing.
Sorry, I am just so frustrated. I spend the weekend with family...i put on the BIG front....all while I was dieing inside. I listen to everyone tell me what they would do..when NONE of them have a freaking clue as to what I am going through. I am just sick of it all.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
((trishaV))
How do you do it?
One day at a time, sometimes it's an hour at a time or a minute at a time.
You work hard to keep your focus on what's in front of you, and you work at remaining in the moment.
When fear, or doubt, or anger or frustration overtake you? You allow yourself to be aware of it, acknowledge what you're feeling, and then take an action.
Sometimes all it takes is a big, deep breath and a quick prayer to your HP to care for your loved ones and to guide you in your day.
Some people find it helpful to journal - to write down all of their frustrations, hopes, dreams etc. Others find it helpful to go to face to face meetings where they are surrounded by people who understand and who have shared similar life experiences.
And finally, there will come a time when you won't have to put on a front, instead you will allow yourself to show your true face. When someone asks how you are, you will be able to answer honestly. If you're sad or worried, you can say so. If you're just getting by, then that's your truth. And if they ask about your daughter? You can be truthful and say you don't know how she is, but you've put her in the hands of your HP and can only pray for her recovery and a full and beautiful life.
Much love from mom to mom
Cats
How do you do it?
One day at a time, sometimes it's an hour at a time or a minute at a time.
You work hard to keep your focus on what's in front of you, and you work at remaining in the moment.
When fear, or doubt, or anger or frustration overtake you? You allow yourself to be aware of it, acknowledge what you're feeling, and then take an action.
Sometimes all it takes is a big, deep breath and a quick prayer to your HP to care for your loved ones and to guide you in your day.
Some people find it helpful to journal - to write down all of their frustrations, hopes, dreams etc. Others find it helpful to go to face to face meetings where they are surrounded by people who understand and who have shared similar life experiences.
And finally, there will come a time when you won't have to put on a front, instead you will allow yourself to show your true face. When someone asks how you are, you will be able to answer honestly. If you're sad or worried, you can say so. If you're just getting by, then that's your truth. And if they ask about your daughter? You can be truthful and say you don't know how she is, but you've put her in the hands of your HP and can only pray for her recovery and a full and beautiful life.
Much love from mom to mom
Cats
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
(((Trisha))))
I too know the pain of not seeing a child. I have not seen my son in over 2 years. He lives with his dad, so I know that he will be taken care of. You have to do what Cats said and take it one day at a time, or one minute. Somedays it is hard, but I do what I have to for me. I go to meetings, and get extra support there, and of course I come here and get a lot of love and understanding. It is hard to have someone tell you what they would do when they have never been in our shoes, that DON'T GET IT!!!!!!!! and hopefully will never have to. If you have to please tell them you don't want to talk about it right now, you understand they mean well but you just need to change the subject.
Take deep breaths, and take a couple of minutes just for you.
Hugs and prayers coming your way, from another mom
I too know the pain of not seeing a child. I have not seen my son in over 2 years. He lives with his dad, so I know that he will be taken care of. You have to do what Cats said and take it one day at a time, or one minute. Somedays it is hard, but I do what I have to for me. I go to meetings, and get extra support there, and of course I come here and get a lot of love and understanding. It is hard to have someone tell you what they would do when they have never been in our shoes, that DON'T GET IT!!!!!!!! and hopefully will never have to. If you have to please tell them you don't want to talk about it right now, you understand they mean well but you just need to change the subject.
Take deep breaths, and take a couple of minutes just for you.
Hugs and prayers coming your way, from another mom
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Trisha
Our success doesn't depend on whether or not our addicts do well or reach out, our success depends on taking very good and gentle care of ourselves to find peace and healing no matter how our addicts are doing.
I haven't heard a word from my son in over 3 years, nor do I have any idea where he is or how he is. Am I a failure? Should I feel ashamed? I think not, I don't feel like a failure nor am I ashamed.
By going to meetings and learning to work the 12-Steps of Serenity (as I like to call them), has given me my life back and given me the tools to cope and find peace in my life.
Today, I say a prayer each morning and give my son to God, then live in faith the rest of the day finding beauty and love and peace. I live my life with passion for all that is good, and let the obstacles in my path serve as lessons and learning experiences that lead me someplace better.
Many here have what I have, and what we have is free for anyone who wants it. It just takes adjustment in focus, trust in those who have gone before us and God, and faith that our lights will shine again if we let them.
Until you find your light, I will happily share mine and hold your hand and assure you that you will be okay.
Hugs
Our success doesn't depend on whether or not our addicts do well or reach out, our success depends on taking very good and gentle care of ourselves to find peace and healing no matter how our addicts are doing.
I haven't heard a word from my son in over 3 years, nor do I have any idea where he is or how he is. Am I a failure? Should I feel ashamed? I think not, I don't feel like a failure nor am I ashamed.
By going to meetings and learning to work the 12-Steps of Serenity (as I like to call them), has given me my life back and given me the tools to cope and find peace in my life.
Today, I say a prayer each morning and give my son to God, then live in faith the rest of the day finding beauty and love and peace. I live my life with passion for all that is good, and let the obstacles in my path serve as lessons and learning experiences that lead me someplace better.
Many here have what I have, and what we have is free for anyone who wants it. It just takes adjustment in focus, trust in those who have gone before us and God, and faith that our lights will shine again if we let them.
Until you find your light, I will happily share mine and hold your hand and assure you that you will be okay.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Falling Waters, WV
Posts: 150
Originally Posted by Ann 
Until you find your light, I will happily share mine and hold your hand and assure you that you will be okay.
It was just a bad, sad...weekend in general.
Thanks again everyone!!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by TrishaV
Thank you so much. Right now my light is very dim and my hand will always be willing to clasp the hand of someone willing to help me. Lord knows I love my relatives dearly...but..this weekend really tooks it toll on me. I think if I heard one more person tell me..that I need to go find my daughter and bring her back home...i think I would have been ready to pack my stuff and leave home. They don't understand any of this.
Again, that's where meetings helped me. I made friends there with people who truly understood because they had been where I am. Having that live support available to phone or go for a coffee with was amazing, and saved my sanity.
We're all walking with you on this journey, sharing our candles of hope. Just know that and know that our hearts share with yours all that we know and all that helped us and that in time you will know what is right for you too.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
Don't feel bad about how you feel, sound like you earned the right to be mad, hurt and pissed! I have felt the same way many, many times.
Family members may mean well, but they make it worse. If it were that simple as "give her back her responsibility" none of us would be here!
You are a great mother and grandmother. Not everyone would love the children enough to step up when they kid days are over. It will be hard, but those babies are where they need to be. Prayerfully, some day your daughter will wake up and want to take care of her kids, and herself.
You are in my prayers,
susan
Family members may mean well, but they make it worse. If it were that simple as "give her back her responsibility" none of us would be here!
You are a great mother and grandmother. Not everyone would love the children enough to step up when they kid days are over. It will be hard, but those babies are where they need to be. Prayerfully, some day your daughter will wake up and want to take care of her kids, and herself.
You are in my prayers,
susan
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Unless someone has walked in your shoes, they have no clue. I'm sorry that the earthlings were giving you their 'good advice" - it wrecks such havoc. I know in early recovery I was just starting to grasp onto an understanding and an ability to try to keep it in today when the earthlings came....blew me away. But I got back up, learned that everyone here and at meetings has been there too, and that helped. It took me longer to learn that I didn't have to convince them of why what I was doing was right...it just didn't matter.
One of my momments of clarity was when I truly grapsed that I had control over whether I was a victim or not. It was my thoughts that determined my victim status. If I chose to feel sorry for myself for all I have been through with addiction and death and so many other things, I would be wallowing in it still. But if I acknowledge the sadness, despair, fear, heartache, grief and move through each day...if i find gratitude for the blessigns I do have in my life, if I work hard on a program...coming here, going to meetings...then I could find light. Turning it over to a Higher Power and asking for the strength to see my blessings rather than the negative helped me too.
I know it seems like a really dark place, but you are moving to the light and we are all with you. Hugs and prayers
One of my momments of clarity was when I truly grapsed that I had control over whether I was a victim or not. It was my thoughts that determined my victim status. If I chose to feel sorry for myself for all I have been through with addiction and death and so many other things, I would be wallowing in it still. But if I acknowledge the sadness, despair, fear, heartache, grief and move through each day...if i find gratitude for the blessigns I do have in my life, if I work hard on a program...coming here, going to meetings...then I could find light. Turning it over to a Higher Power and asking for the strength to see my blessings rather than the negative helped me too.
I know it seems like a really dark place, but you are moving to the light and we are all with you. Hugs and prayers
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Trish,
I understand your feelings. I hate when earthlings question me about my AD and when I answer they give me their opinion. They do not have a single clue as to what it is that I am going through. Until they have lived it they will never be able to understand. I get mad when they want me to help her, I get mad when they want me to wash my hands of her. No matter what, their advise means nothing to me...it only angers me. I want to scream at the top of my lungs "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HER OR MY LIFE IS LIKE" The way I deal with it is "I am doing the best I can with what I have been given to deal with" end of story.
As far as the jealousy......I can feel that too if I let myself. I think for me it is more envy, just wishing I could have those happy moments. I want a success story. I want to be the one who's daughter comes up from the depths of addiction to a wonderful successful person. Isn't that what we all want?
Sometimes when I do have some happy times I hesitate posting them because I don't want to make anyone feel bad because they are so sad over their son or daughter. That is the last thing I would want to do. It seems I always post the bad things and with bad there is good. I like to hear good stories because they give me the hope that I need to hang onto, and I want others to feel that. When you hear the happy stories keep in mind that the person that posted them is only happy in the moment until they too can trust the future.
I have come to a place with my daughter that I can only take one day at a time. So many times when I thought things were going great I was set up for another disappointment. So when I do post happy news....I know that I can only savor the moment and let go of the future because I can't trust that it will continue to be good. I can no longer fool myself into that kind of thinking. "One day at a time" is a powerful statement. So maybe when earthlings start telling you what you should and shouldn't do.....maybe you could tell them that you are only living in the moment for today..... the future is unknown.
Hugs and blessings............Lo
I understand your feelings. I hate when earthlings question me about my AD and when I answer they give me their opinion. They do not have a single clue as to what it is that I am going through. Until they have lived it they will never be able to understand. I get mad when they want me to help her, I get mad when they want me to wash my hands of her. No matter what, their advise means nothing to me...it only angers me. I want to scream at the top of my lungs "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HER OR MY LIFE IS LIKE" The way I deal with it is "I am doing the best I can with what I have been given to deal with" end of story.
As far as the jealousy......I can feel that too if I let myself. I think for me it is more envy, just wishing I could have those happy moments. I want a success story. I want to be the one who's daughter comes up from the depths of addiction to a wonderful successful person. Isn't that what we all want?
Sometimes when I do have some happy times I hesitate posting them because I don't want to make anyone feel bad because they are so sad over their son or daughter. That is the last thing I would want to do. It seems I always post the bad things and with bad there is good. I like to hear good stories because they give me the hope that I need to hang onto, and I want others to feel that. When you hear the happy stories keep in mind that the person that posted them is only happy in the moment until they too can trust the future.
I have come to a place with my daughter that I can only take one day at a time. So many times when I thought things were going great I was set up for another disappointment. So when I do post happy news....I know that I can only savor the moment and let go of the future because I can't trust that it will continue to be good. I can no longer fool myself into that kind of thinking. "One day at a time" is a powerful statement. So maybe when earthlings start telling you what you should and shouldn't do.....maybe you could tell them that you are only living in the moment for today..... the future is unknown.
Hugs and blessings............Lo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Falling Waters, WV
Posts: 150
maybe it is envy....
Thank you so much, and now that I stopped and think about it...it may be more envy that I feel then jealousy who knows...i do know that I don't like feeling this way. I am sure the drepression, lack of self confidence, and disassociation with life itself isn't healthy. I sit and think about this entire weekend and if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have had anyone at my house. I know that their comments and what they thought was good advice upset me, but I didn't contain myself...by the end of the evening I had let them hear my Advice..and...it wasn't good. By their comments, they only made my uncomfortable...but..by the end of the night I made many of them uncomfortable and I think my husband and kids were a little disappointed in me. My youngest daughter even went to the extent to tell me to get checked for bio-polar!! That just goes to show you that I hold my composure really well...normally.
I will take one day, hour or minute at a time, I am just afraid this is all taking its toll on my really bad. I don't sleep..I am so tired....i can't think straight..thank god i only have 3 weeks of school left!!
Thanks again everyone!!
I will take one day, hour or minute at a time, I am just afraid this is all taking its toll on my really bad. I don't sleep..I am so tired....i can't think straight..thank god i only have 3 weeks of school left!!
Thanks again everyone!!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by TrishaV
Lord knows I love my relatives dearly...but..this weekend really tooks it toll on me. I think if I heard one more person tell me..that I need to go find my daughter and bring her back home...i think I would have been ready to pack my stuff and leave home. They don't understand any of this.
Even if I have dealt with an addict child, how do I know what is right for me, would be right for you?
I loved what greeteachday says "unless you've walked in my shoes" - how can you know?
You have to do what is right for you - what your HP guides you to do - as for the pain of hearing the success stories - that's just where you are today - like you said at first when you read them they helped you - today they seem to make you a little sad - maybe tomorrow they will give you hope.
Keep taking good care of you and those precious grandchildren,
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In
Posts: 561
While the success stories do give me hope I understand the jealously in fact I even feel a bit jealous of you, because you are getting custody of your grandkids, something I haven't been able to do. So we still are on edge allowing her to get by with things that we other wise wouldn't. I get sick just thinking of what could happen to my grandson. She uses him to blackmail us more or less, only time she acts like a loving mother is when she thinks it will get her attention. While I feel jealous of you I feel happy for you grandkids, they will be kept safe from all the craziness of an addicts life.
As far as " One of my relatives had the nerve to tell me that I just needed to give my daughter back her responsibiliy---meaning...her two children--- and let her figure out what she is going to do with them!!" We have had people tell us that too an yes it makes me mad. Guess they don't realize how uncaring an addict can be, an just what danger these kids would be in not to mention the emotional aspect of it.
Your doing the right thing for those kids an jealous or not I am happy for you an them!! I'm happy for all the parents out there who's children have found there way back from the hell of drug addiction.
Here's hoping an praying that we to will someday get on here with an success story.
As far as " One of my relatives had the nerve to tell me that I just needed to give my daughter back her responsibiliy---meaning...her two children--- and let her figure out what she is going to do with them!!" We have had people tell us that too an yes it makes me mad. Guess they don't realize how uncaring an addict can be, an just what danger these kids would be in not to mention the emotional aspect of it.
Your doing the right thing for those kids an jealous or not I am happy for you an them!! I'm happy for all the parents out there who's children have found there way back from the hell of drug addiction.
Here's hoping an praying that we to will someday get on here with an success story.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: on the lake
Posts: 335
I too get the advice from earth people. I think at first it angered me because of my guilt. I must have been a bad dad because my son's an addict right? Thats how I felt then and their so called advice seemed to back up my guilty feelings. Thanks to the people here in SR as well as other aliens I don't have the guilt anymore. I still get the advice sometimes and I just smile and accept it for what it is, horse**** and go on about my day. I know they mean well, it just that they have'nt a clue as to what their talking about. People do that all the time don't they? They can give advice on many subjects that they know nothing about, not just addictions. Don't let em get you down. Keep comming here, keep reading, keep posting as Ann says our lights can shine again.
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
I understand the frustration Trish, but the first thing that came to mind when I read your post was...don't give up hope. She might still come back! I know it's hard to hang on, but hope is eternal, a gift. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. YOu are a good grandma, but don't expect perfection from yourself. Maybe your blowing up at the fam was what they needed. What you consider a bad thing might be for their good.
krhea
krhea
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
never give up hope. as long as there is life there is hope.i have lost all faith in my son but not my H.P., He gives me the strength day by day. it will get better for you as time goes on & you learn a little recovery. saying a prayer & sending hugs,hope
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Up North
Posts: 105
I can identify with the feelings of envy, jealousy, hurt, guilt,shame, disappointment, .......I've been dealing with this for 14 years with my Son.
When I'm at work, in the neighborhood, or at the store, I avoid conversations that might involve, "How is your son?"...I just don't want to talk about it.
My inlaws all know a little bit, probably too much. It's like "good dirt" that they can grovel in.
Oh dear, I need a meeting to let this out and to still feel hopeful and loved.
We all need that.
Let the love of your grandchildren put a spark in your heart. They really are remarkable.
When I'm at work, in the neighborhood, or at the store, I avoid conversations that might involve, "How is your son?"...I just don't want to talk about it.
My inlaws all know a little bit, probably too much. It's like "good dirt" that they can grovel in.
Oh dear, I need a meeting to let this out and to still feel hopeful and loved.
We all need that.
Let the love of your grandchildren put a spark in your heart. They really are remarkable.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Hey Trish,
One thing I have tried very hard to get in my head is "Don't Predict The Future".
I can tell you that people do get well every day.
The closest experience I have to your situation is my friends daughter.
This girl was an addict in the very worst way. To make a long story short, sparing all the gorey details, it was 10 years from addiction to recovery. When she finally woke up and saw the light, her life changed immediately.
So, just because things aren't where we would like them to be today, there is always hope in tomorrow.
Keep you head up and pray. Don't give up hope.
While you're waiting, post your heart out.
Take care Trish.
One thing I have tried very hard to get in my head is "Don't Predict The Future".
I can tell you that people do get well every day.
The closest experience I have to your situation is my friends daughter.
This girl was an addict in the very worst way. To make a long story short, sparing all the gorey details, it was 10 years from addiction to recovery. When she finally woke up and saw the light, her life changed immediately.
So, just because things aren't where we would like them to be today, there is always hope in tomorrow.
Keep you head up and pray. Don't give up hope.
While you're waiting, post your heart out.
Take care Trish.
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
You have alot on your plate at this time. I'm glad you can express all your frustration
and feelings here. Not sleeping, feeling tired all the time are very draining. When I'm just too tired I can't think straight either and don't cope well at all. Try to get some much deserved rest.
Sending prayers and hugs.
and feelings here. Not sleeping, feeling tired all the time are very draining. When I'm just too tired I can't think straight either and don't cope well at all. Try to get some much deserved rest.
Sending prayers and hugs.
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