Just Done - a Rant
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 4
Just Done - a Rant
I feel like I'm living a re-run of 20 years ago. Long story short, the addict/alcoholic in my life is my brother, and he is again tearing my family apart. It's amazing how in 15 years of "recovery," the reality is that nothing has changed.
My mother left the United States 15 years ago to return to her native Germany in large part because she couldn't deal with my brother's crap anymore. He used her house as his "base" and would not get the hell out. He'd always reappear. She left, and rented out the house, and that was that. (Well, it was for her; my husband and I had no escape hatch.)
In the intervening years, my brother got married, had a kid, bought a house, got divorced, lost the house, has his kid living on the east coast with his ex, went through numerous well-paying jobs (made more money than I as a teacher ever could), and on and on and on. Yet he did have periods of sobriety.
My mother moved back to the States with my wonderful stepdad last year. My brother, who by then was renting her house (he had had a long period of sobriety), converted the downstairs to an in-law unit. Well, you know the rest of the story. It's the past all over again, only now, another person is involved (my stepdad).
My father was also recently diagnosed with ALS/Lou Gehrig's Disease and a form of dementia that goes along with it. (It's not too bad right now, but when I told him that my brother had relapsed, his first response was concern that my brother wouldn't make it to the weekend barbecue at my dad's this weekend, so something's definitely off.) It has been devastating to deal with, and I've gotten to deal with it alone for the most part. My husband is wonderful, but it would be nice to have my brother there with me as we face my father's decline and eventual death. But I have learned that hoping for anything from my brother -- emotional support, practical help -- is not only a waste of time, but a sure recipe for heartbreak and anger.
Not only do I face losing my dad, but my mother is now threatening to move back to Germany, meaning that I will end up alone in terms of my family. My in-laws are f---ed up beyond belief -- we have no real ties to any of them, except for the one brother and sister-in-law who recently moved to Hawaii -- and doesn't that figure! The ones we love and enjoy are now living far away!
My mother continues to blame my father and his wife (whom he ran off with while still married to my mom) for my brother's addiction. If only he had been raised by a father who wasn't a sonofabitch (which my father was when we were growing up -- no doubt), this wouldn't have happened. I cannot tell you how SICK TO DEATH I am of hearing this song. I grew up in the same household. I drank a lot in my 20s (while in college) and yet I DIDN'T become an addict/alcoholic. But no, it's all due to the way my brother was raised -- because my father was an a--hole, along with his wife. (To this day, my mother will not even SAY my dad's wife's name.) All of what she says is true regarding my father's and his wife's behavior, but it doesn't help the situation, nor does it help HER. My mother is so angry, but if you ask me, she's wasting her anger on the wrong targets.
When I point out instances of people who came from stable, two-parent households and who still ended up addicts, she blows me off. When I suggest that the cause of it really doesn't matter, nor are we ever really going to be able to determine it with absolutely certainly, anyway, she gets pissed off. When I suggest Alanon, she says, "I already know all that." I just cannot listen to it anymore.
Last night, when I said that I was tired of seeing my mother beat herself up about my brother's situation, I was told by my stepfather that I can't possibly understand because I don't have children of my own and my brother doesn't live with me. To which I responded, "A big part of the reason I DON'T have children is because I was unwilling to risk having a child like my brother! And the fact is that he DID live with me for a year, after my mom left for Germany! And the entire time she was there, I got to play mom!" You see, my stepdad was kept in the dark for most of the time they were together because my mother didn't tell him about my brother's problem until she HAD to many years later. Meanwhile, MY husband got to deal with all of this constantly. Ask me how resentful that makes me?!?!?!?
I was stuck the middle of ALL OF THIS CRAP until I got myself into thereapy several years ago. There's no way I'm going back. I'm amazed that I didn't lose my mind completely -- my level of anxiety was over the top for the better part of 20 years.
I cannot believe that at 42, I am in the same boat as I was at 26, when my mother first left to go overseas.
I'm not really looking for answers here, just venting and openly stating that I am DONE with all of it.
Thanks for listening.
My mother left the United States 15 years ago to return to her native Germany in large part because she couldn't deal with my brother's crap anymore. He used her house as his "base" and would not get the hell out. He'd always reappear. She left, and rented out the house, and that was that. (Well, it was for her; my husband and I had no escape hatch.)
In the intervening years, my brother got married, had a kid, bought a house, got divorced, lost the house, has his kid living on the east coast with his ex, went through numerous well-paying jobs (made more money than I as a teacher ever could), and on and on and on. Yet he did have periods of sobriety.
My mother moved back to the States with my wonderful stepdad last year. My brother, who by then was renting her house (he had had a long period of sobriety), converted the downstairs to an in-law unit. Well, you know the rest of the story. It's the past all over again, only now, another person is involved (my stepdad).
My father was also recently diagnosed with ALS/Lou Gehrig's Disease and a form of dementia that goes along with it. (It's not too bad right now, but when I told him that my brother had relapsed, his first response was concern that my brother wouldn't make it to the weekend barbecue at my dad's this weekend, so something's definitely off.) It has been devastating to deal with, and I've gotten to deal with it alone for the most part. My husband is wonderful, but it would be nice to have my brother there with me as we face my father's decline and eventual death. But I have learned that hoping for anything from my brother -- emotional support, practical help -- is not only a waste of time, but a sure recipe for heartbreak and anger.
Not only do I face losing my dad, but my mother is now threatening to move back to Germany, meaning that I will end up alone in terms of my family. My in-laws are f---ed up beyond belief -- we have no real ties to any of them, except for the one brother and sister-in-law who recently moved to Hawaii -- and doesn't that figure! The ones we love and enjoy are now living far away!
My mother continues to blame my father and his wife (whom he ran off with while still married to my mom) for my brother's addiction. If only he had been raised by a father who wasn't a sonofabitch (which my father was when we were growing up -- no doubt), this wouldn't have happened. I cannot tell you how SICK TO DEATH I am of hearing this song. I grew up in the same household. I drank a lot in my 20s (while in college) and yet I DIDN'T become an addict/alcoholic. But no, it's all due to the way my brother was raised -- because my father was an a--hole, along with his wife. (To this day, my mother will not even SAY my dad's wife's name.) All of what she says is true regarding my father's and his wife's behavior, but it doesn't help the situation, nor does it help HER. My mother is so angry, but if you ask me, she's wasting her anger on the wrong targets.
When I point out instances of people who came from stable, two-parent households and who still ended up addicts, she blows me off. When I suggest that the cause of it really doesn't matter, nor are we ever really going to be able to determine it with absolutely certainly, anyway, she gets pissed off. When I suggest Alanon, she says, "I already know all that." I just cannot listen to it anymore.
Last night, when I said that I was tired of seeing my mother beat herself up about my brother's situation, I was told by my stepfather that I can't possibly understand because I don't have children of my own and my brother doesn't live with me. To which I responded, "A big part of the reason I DON'T have children is because I was unwilling to risk having a child like my brother! And the fact is that he DID live with me for a year, after my mom left for Germany! And the entire time she was there, I got to play mom!" You see, my stepdad was kept in the dark for most of the time they were together because my mother didn't tell him about my brother's problem until she HAD to many years later. Meanwhile, MY husband got to deal with all of this constantly. Ask me how resentful that makes me?!?!?!?
I was stuck the middle of ALL OF THIS CRAP until I got myself into thereapy several years ago. There's no way I'm going back. I'm amazed that I didn't lose my mind completely -- my level of anxiety was over the top for the better part of 20 years.
I cannot believe that at 42, I am in the same boat as I was at 26, when my mother first left to go overseas.
I'm not really looking for answers here, just venting and openly stating that I am DONE with all of it.
Thanks for listening.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
No answers...Just some big hugs...You sound like you could use them. I'm sorry you are dealing with so much and that the family you would like living close keeps moving further away. I'm sorry about your dad too...caring for an elderly parent and watching the decline is very tough emotionally. I'm glad you are done with the front row of your brother's stuff...you have anough to deal with without his drama.
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
Hugs from me, too! Sounds like your whole family is suffering from a lot of hurt, guilt, resentment and an inability to "accept" or face realities or even consequences of realities caused by others. Actually, it does sound very much like a lot of families who come here.
First of all, you are correct; addiction does occur in stable families from all economic and socio levels. What is so similar with families with addiction, there is always an awful lot of pain, guilt, resentment and escapism in those families.
While you learn that you cannot control the addictive behavior, it takes a much longer time to realize that the ONLY behavior you can control is yours and you realize that you have to control how much the addict controls your behavior. Not an easy feat but so very necessary if you are to survive the consequences and fallout of addiction. If left to its own devices, the addiction will eventually destroy all around it!
Sounds like you have found a way to help yourself; with therapy and the acceptance of your brother's addiction. You seem to have come to realize that your brother will destroy himself and all around him if that is what he wants - nothing else will stop that. I am sorry that your mother still insists on feeling the need to "blame" someone for his own behavior. She cannot see that he owns that himself and cannot blame anyone for it. Yes, he may have had some tough times but that does not justify his poor choices throughout his life. And it is sad that she cannot separate herself from him and just allow herself to "live"; either here in the US or in Germany at HER choice, not his. Yes, it is nice to put miles between ourselves and our problems but it never really eliminates the problem and it can cause its own set of troubles.
I am sorry that you may have to face losing your mother again but if that is what she feels she must do to handle her son's addiction, you cannot change that. She must do what she feels she must do. I'm sorry for you that she has allowed his addictive behavior to win out. But please keep in mind that she is not doing this to hurt you; she does not know any other way of doing it. I know there have been many times that I wish I could run away from my AD and her behavior many times.
Please don't get caught up in the drama from either your mother, step-father or brother. You have to do what is best for you and your husband - you deserve a life of your own, too. Keep what you have learned in therapy and go to meetings if you can. Keep the focus on you. In the end, your life will depend on that.
Lots of hugs and prayers.
First of all, you are correct; addiction does occur in stable families from all economic and socio levels. What is so similar with families with addiction, there is always an awful lot of pain, guilt, resentment and escapism in those families.
While you learn that you cannot control the addictive behavior, it takes a much longer time to realize that the ONLY behavior you can control is yours and you realize that you have to control how much the addict controls your behavior. Not an easy feat but so very necessary if you are to survive the consequences and fallout of addiction. If left to its own devices, the addiction will eventually destroy all around it!
Sounds like you have found a way to help yourself; with therapy and the acceptance of your brother's addiction. You seem to have come to realize that your brother will destroy himself and all around him if that is what he wants - nothing else will stop that. I am sorry that your mother still insists on feeling the need to "blame" someone for his own behavior. She cannot see that he owns that himself and cannot blame anyone for it. Yes, he may have had some tough times but that does not justify his poor choices throughout his life. And it is sad that she cannot separate herself from him and just allow herself to "live"; either here in the US or in Germany at HER choice, not his. Yes, it is nice to put miles between ourselves and our problems but it never really eliminates the problem and it can cause its own set of troubles.
I am sorry that you may have to face losing your mother again but if that is what she feels she must do to handle her son's addiction, you cannot change that. She must do what she feels she must do. I'm sorry for you that she has allowed his addictive behavior to win out. But please keep in mind that she is not doing this to hurt you; she does not know any other way of doing it. I know there have been many times that I wish I could run away from my AD and her behavior many times.
Please don't get caught up in the drama from either your mother, step-father or brother. You have to do what is best for you and your husband - you deserve a life of your own, too. Keep what you have learned in therapy and go to meetings if you can. Keep the focus on you. In the end, your life will depend on that.
Lots of hugs and prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 4
Thanks!
Thank you so much for the feedback and support. I hope to have some time to get back to you in more depth tomorrow! With a full week of teaching teenagers ahead of me, I've gotta get some rest!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My family is not exactly the Waltons and I have learned to detach from those who are toxic. We can't change it by wishing it different.
I'm so sorry for all the heartache you are going through right now. My prayers go out for you and your family.
Hugs
I'm so sorry for all the heartache you are going through right now. My prayers go out for you and your family.
Hugs
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
I too am sorry for all that crap you have had to deal with because of your brothers addiction. Adiction is a horrid disease & hurts everyone thats around it. I too thought I was through with it 30 yrs ago when I divorced my 1st husband & now it has reared its ugly head in my sons.
Hang Tough & Keep Taking Care of Yourself,
Diane
Hang Tough & Keep Taking Care of Yourself,
Diane
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i understand you being done with your brother. it is his problem. i am sorry for your family & for you that you had to go through all of that. i am glad you are finding recovery.your mom is not ready.some people just have to put the blame on someone & she choose your dad & his wife. addicts blame anybody & everybody.i had 3 children & only one is an addict.it was your brothers choice to use & it has to be his choice to get clean.keep coming back.we r here for you to vent & help you walk thru all of this.prayers r going up for you,your brother & your family. hugs, hope
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 4
Thank You
Thanks to all of you for sharing your stories, and for the reminders about letting go. I guess all these years, I've focused on letting go of my brother, but I also have to let go of my mother and her "stuff" as well. We had a discussion last night in which I said as much, and I don't know, but it seems that maybe her reaction was just a little bit different than in the past. Still am dialing down expectations, however.
It helps to hear those who "get it" remind me of the essential -- that this is my brother's responsibility and his choice.
It helps to hear those who "get it" remind me of the essential -- that this is my brother's responsibility and his choice.
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