duet_4-8

Morning all,
I just need to get something off my chest this morning. So, yesterday there was this big outdoor Christian rock concert at a park nearby. My church was involved in the organization of it, and I was an evangelism volunteer. All good. I took a good friend of mine with me, a lady who is ACoA and newly divorced from her husband after his years-long affair with a woman who claimed to be her friend. We were having a really good time........

We are standing at the volunteer tent, eating a sandwich, and this man comes up and starts talking to us. He is the youth pastor of one of the big churches in town. Nothing strange here, he is another volunteer and we were all just kind of goofing around together; everyone is friendly with everyone else. So he asks us one at a time if we are married. My friend says she is divorced, and I said I am seperated. His eyebrows raise and he gets that look-you know that one where the religious person is going to tell you how divorce is wrong......

He proceeded to jump through hoops telling me about how 'God can fix' a broken marriage and blah blah blah. He was very domineering and downright nosy. Hard to get a word in, you know? And there stands my sweet friend, who is just still heartbroken that her husband betrayed her like he did. She thought she HAD the fairytale, you know? At least I knew all along that my fairytale wasn't one....

So anyway, I found myself actually trying to DEFEND my decision to this *****, who obviously had zero knowledge about addiction! WHY DID I DO THAT??? Why did I not just tell him it was none of his business and walk away?? GRRRR!!!!

Talk about a codie slip-up. Thank goodness someone came to ask him to help move some stages! After it was over, I had that sick shaky feeling I used to get after trying to convince my exah of something. Pretty much ruined the rest of the evening for both of us. My friend ended up in tears.

I am tempted to follow up the conversation with a letter or email or something to let him know how completely out of line he was. I guess I should just let it go, though. What do you guys think?

respektingme

I heard some of that in our Sunday School class. Every week we were getting updates on a couple that was going through a divorce. Yeah, he cheated on her. But he wanted to stay married, and everyone was praying that she would not leave him. Sorta sounded like she was making a sin by leaving him.

I like the verse in Luke, "Judge not lest ye be judged". That dude hadn't been in your shoes. I believe one of the biggest reasons people turn their back on God is from being exposed to well-meaning zealots who try to act like God themselves. These types of individuals can grow into control freaks, and they are turnoffs to everybody.

I don't see any problem bowing out of a conversation you don't want to be in. You don't have to participate in every argument you're invited to. You certainly don't have to explain yourself to a stranger.

JenT1968

unfortunately, a lot of people judge others actions and lives often without any knowledge of the situation (and never with ALL the information - 'cos that's impossible to have) - I know, I'm very guilty of it myself - I hope I'm getting better.

Vent away.

Sometimes for me, when I get sucked into trying to defend myself it is because I am repeating old behaviour patterns, other times its because I still have some seeds of doubt about my actions left in me - and that's why their words trigger a reaction in me - I'm trying to argue with/convince my internal critic. Perhaps there is still a part of you that is worried about what he said? I'm in no way saying that what he said is true, I don't have a belief in God so Its a moot point for me - just that maybe a part of you still hangs onto this belief - after-all if he'd come up to you and said that green aliens from the planet Zarg could've fixed your marriage, and now they'd be disapointed that you didn't stay with your husband, OR that god could have fixed your toaster and he was disapointed you didn't stay with the old toaster you probably would have laughed and walked away.

(not that I am comparing your marriage to a toaster or your god to an alien.....LOL)

& I'm afraid I'm judging other people's actions all-over this one "rolls eyes".

chero

Wow, Duet, I can relate to this. I have been told by people, even people at SR, that divorce is wrong in the eye's of God.

That kind of thinking is what KEPT me in an abusive marriage with an alcoholic for 12 years. I'm not sure I'm completely free of that way of thinking but I am sure that it wasn't God's plan for me to be abused and allow it to happen by staying in the marriage.

You know, Duet, I just remembered something you said to me once before:
I guess the real question is, do you feel the need to justify it now that you've heard from someone who doesn't know or understand what you went through or are you secure in your decision and secure enough in God to let HIM take care of this man that spoke out-of-line to you and your friend?

duet_4-8

Love the thing about the green aliens!!! I think in this case it was more the old behavior patterns-the ones where I want everyone to like me, approve of me, etc, etc... I am going to remember the analogies you used here if this kind of thing happens again. Thanks for a much-needed chuckle this morning!

Thanks for reminding me of my own words, chero. Wish I could have come up with them yesterday afternoon! LOL!! I don't know why it knocked me so off balance, to be honest. For one thing I was completely blindsided; I think I was kind of in shock that a total stranger would be so arrogant, you know? Plus confrontation is still very difficult for me; something I have avoided at all costs for a very long time out of fear....

Thanks, also, for restating the obvious-that God will take care of this man and I don't need to bother. I knew I would feel much better about the whole thing after some input from my SR family.

Happy Labor Day!!!!

GlassPrisoner

I won't get into the theological part, it confuses me too much. I can't understand how the Grace of God got me where I am (seperated) yet His Big Big Book says he hates divorce. He hasn't revealed that much to me (yet). I'm not ready. Anyway....

Yup. Let it go. Might even want to say a prayer or two for him. As the Big Book says, (paraphrased) "Remember that this is a sick person too. Pray to God to save you from being angry...."

That said, I wouldn't sweat this "slip up" too hard. You're human. Remember rule 62....

prodigal

I've gotten bombarded with this same theology: God hates divorce. Keeping that in mind, I came up with my spin on it that God hates sin, but not the sinner. So God hates divorce. Okay, fine by me. If I instigate a divorce action against my AH, however, that does not mean God hates me.

I've heard how no pit can be so deep that the hand of God cannot reach down and pull someone out. I'm sure there are addicts and codies here working a strong recovery who can attest to that. Here comes the big however ... we are all endowed by our Creator with the right to choose; in other words, free will. Who we choose to marry, where we choose to live, the partner we choose to marry, whether or not we will seek recovery, and on an on .... we can exercise our God-given right to make our own choices. They may be wrong choices, but we are given that right. We can even choose to drink ourselves to death, remain in abusive relationships, harbor a spirit of unforgiveness, or consciously choose to go to hell itself. And God will defend our rights to choose.

JMO, but I think people who hold fast to the opinion that divorce is not condoned by God should keep their opinions to themselves, unless asked. I also think in the zeal to force their opinions on us, they overlook the free will issue.