He Slipped
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 234
He Slipped
Just when things with RAH were going so well, he slipped again.
Friday night he went over to his grandfather's to finish working on a few things for our new house in grandpa's garage. I called him before the kids went to bed because my daughter wanted to talk to him, he never answered. About an hour later he called, said he'd gone out hunting with a friend. He was taking the friend home and then coming straight home. Well an hour and a half later, you guessed it, he wasn't home. I called and he answered, was just on his way home. I asked what had taken so long. His answer was that he'd had a couple of beer with the friend. Something in my gut told me other wise, something in his voice just wasn't right. So I asked if he'd just been drinking or if he'd gotten high. He was quiet for a moment and said that no he hadn't.. just drank. Then said " no. you're right. I screwed up".
I told him we were through, as that was the deal when I moved back home. One more F*ckup and I was filing for divorce. He came home and begged and pleaded for me to change my mind. Which I did do. He says that he'll continue to go for appointments with the counsellors, he wants to take random drug tests at home to prove to me that he can be trusted and he isn't using and that he plans on staying away from the friend for awhile as the friend is a total pothead and being around him triggers RAH. Also, first failed test means that we're through, papers will be filed with no further discussion.
The next morning I decided that there was one other thing that I needed for me. I told him that I had no intentions of having sex with him until I see a clean drug test. I'm tired of feeling used by him, and I refuse to get intimate with someone I cannot trust. Well, that's where he started to disagree. He pouted!! It honestly hurt me, he doesn't pout like that at the thought of me and the kids walking out the door! I don't even know how to explain how I feel about this... it's ok for me to leave.. but to cut him off from sex for at the most(if he stays clean) a month and a half?!?! That's wrong!?! I don't know what to make of that.. but it truly upsets me..
Friday night he went over to his grandfather's to finish working on a few things for our new house in grandpa's garage. I called him before the kids went to bed because my daughter wanted to talk to him, he never answered. About an hour later he called, said he'd gone out hunting with a friend. He was taking the friend home and then coming straight home. Well an hour and a half later, you guessed it, he wasn't home. I called and he answered, was just on his way home. I asked what had taken so long. His answer was that he'd had a couple of beer with the friend. Something in my gut told me other wise, something in his voice just wasn't right. So I asked if he'd just been drinking or if he'd gotten high. He was quiet for a moment and said that no he hadn't.. just drank. Then said " no. you're right. I screwed up".
I told him we were through, as that was the deal when I moved back home. One more F*ckup and I was filing for divorce. He came home and begged and pleaded for me to change my mind. Which I did do. He says that he'll continue to go for appointments with the counsellors, he wants to take random drug tests at home to prove to me that he can be trusted and he isn't using and that he plans on staying away from the friend for awhile as the friend is a total pothead and being around him triggers RAH. Also, first failed test means that we're through, papers will be filed with no further discussion.
The next morning I decided that there was one other thing that I needed for me. I told him that I had no intentions of having sex with him until I see a clean drug test. I'm tired of feeling used by him, and I refuse to get intimate with someone I cannot trust. Well, that's where he started to disagree. He pouted!! It honestly hurt me, he doesn't pout like that at the thought of me and the kids walking out the door! I don't even know how to explain how I feel about this... it's ok for me to leave.. but to cut him off from sex for at the most(if he stays clean) a month and a half?!?! That's wrong!?! I don't know what to make of that.. but it truly upsets me..
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Wow...
I don't know that he necessarily meant the sex thing that way. My husband loves me with all his heart, but there was a time when our sex life was a bit rocky while my depression was at its worst, and he took it to heart. It really, really bothered him. Plus, maybe it just bothers him that the trust has diminished to that extent? And he, like most men, just sucks at showing it? Just a thought...
I'll be honest though. The first thing that came to my mind when I read the beginning of your post was, "at least he was honest about it." He actually has a conscience at this point, which is something that someone who is in active addiction does not typically have. This makes me think (and I'm no expert) that his using might have been more of just a slip than a relapse, if it makes you feel better. Not that it matters, he shouldn't have been using at all... but at least he's not back in full-blown addiction, IMO.
In fact, through the 12 steps they learn to be honest about their mistakes. So, something is sinking in, hopefully...
I hope this isn't the start of another road filled with pain. The people on the substance abuse forum have told me before that an isolated incident use can actually be part of recovery if they learn something from it. Not to send you into denial or anything... but maybe he'll come out of this one okay.
Either way, I'm thinking of you two.
*hugs and prayers*
I don't know that he necessarily meant the sex thing that way. My husband loves me with all his heart, but there was a time when our sex life was a bit rocky while my depression was at its worst, and he took it to heart. It really, really bothered him. Plus, maybe it just bothers him that the trust has diminished to that extent? And he, like most men, just sucks at showing it? Just a thought...
I'll be honest though. The first thing that came to my mind when I read the beginning of your post was, "at least he was honest about it." He actually has a conscience at this point, which is something that someone who is in active addiction does not typically have. This makes me think (and I'm no expert) that his using might have been more of just a slip than a relapse, if it makes you feel better. Not that it matters, he shouldn't have been using at all... but at least he's not back in full-blown addiction, IMO.
In fact, through the 12 steps they learn to be honest about their mistakes. So, something is sinking in, hopefully...
I hope this isn't the start of another road filled with pain. The people on the substance abuse forum have told me before that an isolated incident use can actually be part of recovery if they learn something from it. Not to send you into denial or anything... but maybe he'll come out of this one okay.
Either way, I'm thinking of you two.
*hugs and prayers*
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm sorry you are going through this. You need to do what works for you. I think motivation plays an important part...It sounds as if you can not be intimate with him because trust has been destroyed. That is understandable and I can also understand your hurt...as if it is only sex that would make him want to change. It helps me to get out of trying to figure out someone else's motives and rational (not helathy for me and most times, I think the worst and it isn't that bad) and focus on my own reactions and motives.
I guess I'm kinda rambling...scattered thoughts reading your post. I think if you keep focusing on you and your needs, it will help keep your attention off of his motives. Because whether that is the reason for his reaction or not, you can't change it...just you. Hugs and prayers.
I guess I'm kinda rambling...scattered thoughts reading your post. I think if you keep focusing on you and your needs, it will help keep your attention off of his motives. Because whether that is the reason for his reaction or not, you can't change it...just you. Hugs and prayers.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
My thoughts after reading this -
The drug testing is off "in the future" - he still has hopes he can fool it or get around it or change your mind.
The no-sex is today.
It doesn't sound to me like he is very committed.
Do either of you attend 12-step meetings? There was no Naranon in my area, so I attended lots (and lots and LOTS) of Alanon meetings. They have helped me more than any other thing I did.
I wish you well.
The drug testing is off "in the future" - he still has hopes he can fool it or get around it or change your mind.
The no-sex is today.
It doesn't sound to me like he is very committed.
Do either of you attend 12-step meetings? There was no Naranon in my area, so I attended lots (and lots and LOTS) of Alanon meetings. They have helped me more than any other thing I did.
I wish you well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 234
BigSis,
You hit my thoughts dead on, what I couldn't seem to put into words- you just did.Thank you so much! When he had a bigger reaction to the lack of sex then the fact that he very well may lose his family over this I started to think that maybe he'd try something with the tests, or try to sweet talk his way out of the consequences.
He is attending addictions counselling. I'm not sure if it follows the same format as meetings, but I do believe so. I have yet to find anything for myself, although his counsellor has said that they do family meetings as well. With my oldest going into grade one and me having to drive an hour each day for him to go to school... tends to be a problem with actually attending anything. I would very much like to.. but in our area there's so little in terms of meetings or help for this sort of thing, the closest place for any type of meeting is an hour from home and with having to travel in the opposite direction everyday that makes it somewhat impossible for me to attend.... especially without a babysitter.
You hit my thoughts dead on, what I couldn't seem to put into words- you just did.Thank you so much! When he had a bigger reaction to the lack of sex then the fact that he very well may lose his family over this I started to think that maybe he'd try something with the tests, or try to sweet talk his way out of the consequences.
He is attending addictions counselling. I'm not sure if it follows the same format as meetings, but I do believe so. I have yet to find anything for myself, although his counsellor has said that they do family meetings as well. With my oldest going into grade one and me having to drive an hour each day for him to go to school... tends to be a problem with actually attending anything. I would very much like to.. but in our area there's so little in terms of meetings or help for this sort of thing, the closest place for any type of meeting is an hour from home and with having to travel in the opposite direction everyday that makes it somewhat impossible for me to attend.... especially without a babysitter.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Here you go Sis:
http://al-anon.ab.ca/meeting/central.html
and
http://al-anon.ab.ca/meeting/northern.html
http://www.dmoz.org/Health/Addiction...l-Anon/Canada/
http://canadadrugrehab.ca/Canada-NA-...s-Meeting.html
Hope the above will help you to find a meeting or two to hit. They will help you TREMENDOUSLY!!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
http://al-anon.ab.ca/meeting/central.html
and
http://al-anon.ab.ca/meeting/northern.html
http://www.dmoz.org/Health/Addiction...l-Anon/Canada/
http://canadadrugrehab.ca/Canada-NA-...s-Meeting.html
Hope the above will help you to find a meeting or two to hit. They will help you TREMENDOUSLY!!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
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