ThreeBs

About 2 months ago, I broke up with my Alcoholic BF. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I know I'm codependant, I've pretty much been that way all of my life. I've never had a healthy relationship, I'll admit it. In fact, I'm dating someone else now that I already see myself trying to help and fix. I know I need to stop seeing him too, but I can't deal with the confrontation of that.The thing about it is though, the A-ex was my best friend. When he wasn't drinking, he and I were nearly perfect. My life over the last several years has been one big roller coaster of drunk, sober, good bad, happy, sad, etc. I just decided I couldn't take it anymore. This is my first post here, but I've been a lurker for years. I'd get on here late at night when he was passed out, and you all really helped me.

He has been sober for a little while now. Says he's trying to get himself straightened out. God, I miss him. Talking to him now it's like he's a different person. I miss his family, his kids, not sleeping alone at night. I know I can't go there right now, but damn, its so hard not to just tell him to come home, that we can get through this. I can't live with him now, but I don't see me living life without him. This hurts more than anything ever. I just had major surgery too. Going through that all that alone was hell. Emotionally, I am just wrecked. I feel like I'm in no position to make any major decisions right now anyway.

I know I need to get myself to Alanon. I do.

Thanks for listening.

WantsOut

hey 3B - as we do around here, I'm going to tell you a little of my story and see if that helps you at all.

Labor Day last year was pretty hard for me. I had just kicked AH out in June and he was torturing me with guilt. I was supposed to go away for a long weekend with a different guy who I was hoping would be my savior. He was not an addict of any kind, but he was emotionally abusive to me. We had an argument and he went on vacation without me. I spent a lot of the weekend crying and wishing I hadn't fought with him and maybe that I hadn't kicked AH out.

This year I;m so glad to have NO drama. It's really great not to have anyone to trouble me. I had dinner with an old friend and we walked around the mall. Last night I went to a bar-b-que at my parent's house and had a nice time. Tomorrow I'm going to a Labor Day parade and the beach. I used to be an introvert with no friends who spent a lot of time cringing and scraping, trying to get people to like me. Now it's take me as I am or not at all cause all I need is me and my family.

Feels good not to have men stomping all over my rights. And in retrospect, my now exAH was not the best friend and perfect guy I saw him as back then. I have said before that I think that great guy stuff is just an act to buy forgiveness for their drunkeness anyway.

I hope this helps you.

CBrown

I do have a question, though. Has there ever been ANYONE on here with a happy ending? An AH or ABF who actually went through the 12 steps, got back together with the one they love, and they went on to have a happy life? I won't say happily ever after, because even without an addiction marriage is TOUGH. Is it always a sad ending?

WantsOut

Can;t say for sure, but it seems to me it works out sometimes when both are recovering addicts. Often by the time a non-addict spouse makes it here they are pretty mangled. It's hard to make things work out after that emotional line has been crossed.

prodigal

No, it is not always a sad ending. A dear old friend of mine posted here last week, who went by the name of "Wraybear" on this board. You might want to check out her posts. It didn't look like she and her AH would make it, but he's got several years of sobriety, and their marriage has done a major turn-around.

I wish I could give you more happily-ever-after stories, but I know the reason I'm on this board is because it just wasn't meant to work that way for me. AH decided to continue drinking. It's very sad, but more frequently than not they pick the addiction over their loved ones. If they do stop drinking, frequently they still have the rotten attitudes and behaviors that went along with the drinking.

DesertEyes

Pretty much everybody here has a happy ending. For some it hasn't happened _yet_, but it's coming. I think the question I had to ask myself when I started my onw recovery was what is the happy ending that _I_ deserve. Not somebody else's ending, _my_ ending.

I found that my happy ending starts with a happy _today_. If I make for myself the best life I can, starting _today_, then tomorow I will a happy yesterday to remember, and hope for a happy future. If I can twist the serenity pryer a little:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the past I cannot change,
the courage to change the future I can
and the wisdom to start today.

As far as a couple in recovery, there's been many thru here over the years. The one's I know best are my sponsor and his wife. They'be been married a little over 40yrs, the last 37 clean and sober in AA.

Mike

justjo

ThreeB, I understand where you are coming from but in a little different way. My sister and I were inseparable. Grew up very close. Had kids and always talked on the phone, went for coffee, she'd come over, family bbq's and all that stuff. She is a Cronic alcoholic. Cronic, yes, drunk everyday unless her body yells out stop! I need a rest to recover.
It has torn me apart watching her become who she is today. I dont admit to understand and I guess I may never. But I do understand this. I can not change or fix anything she has done to herself. Trying to understand some of the things she has done or said, is madness. I can not risk feeling broken anymore. I miss her terribly, as I feel I have lost her, the sister I knew and loved. I still love her to bits and pray her life may piece back together somehow. I have distanced myself from her now, I wont talk to her when she is drunk and even now it is hard to talk to her sober. She knows there is help for her, but she has chosen this crazy life of addiction. Yes I say chosen. Many may disagree that the disease has chosen it, but I know she has to want it really bad.
You have made the first step by leaving. I know, our emotions can take over and we can cave in to this, but stay strong. How much more do you have to go through, to realize nothing is going to change right now. I would absolutely leave the guy you are with now, no point having a relationship with someone you know you dont want to be with, its not fair. Try building the relationship that is more important, the one with yourself. Write down what you want, your dreams and goals and then write down how you might go about doing that. I did and wow, what a result. My life may not be perfect, but Im OK. Each week it gets easier.
When you are feeling down, call someone who will pick you up and focus on something else you like doing. Time can mend.

CBrown

Even if there is ONE story where a spouse or significant becomes sober, stays sober, and the relationship is spared, that does my heart good. I really really doubt it's in the cards for me but it gives me hope that some on here can make it happen!