Buffalo66

I have posted here a few times.

I am a single mom of a two year old.The dad is my Aex.
I have been dealing with a serious wake up and drink alcoholic who is progressing quickly toward death in some form for a while, now, about 6 years.
I used to drink socially, and getting involved with him has led me to go places and do things that I would never have done. I have obviously held on too long, and have been chasing a butterfly,so to speak. I kept going toward him, hoping to recover the magic and love we had years back. That is my bundle of issues, I know. I am now so scared and embarrassed and this is my only place to safely say what is really going on for me.

Last week, we had a court date, and he was sentenced to State ordered rehab for attcking me a month prior.

For a while, now, I have regretably been unable to fully disengage from him and the life he is choosing. I have been trying to "help". He cheated, lied, stole, lied, got another girl pregnant, aborted the child, lied, and began another full on relationship,all the while claiming he was working toward getting healthy and making things right with me. He is a dog, a con man, and really, a very mean man. I have my own issues that have made me too weak to really leave and no, I do not have the money or insurance to address these in therapy.

What I am dealing with now, is ME. MY stuff. So much trauma has gone by. HE forgets how bad it is, often, as you all probably are familiar with denies that many things even ever occured.

I am now, and have been for some time, in a suspended state of breath holding. I feel so overwhelmed by pain and my brain is like scrambled eggs. I get some time off each week from mommyness, and I tried for a while to do healthy things for me. But, the bad stuff just kept coming, and the attack, the abortion, all these things have driven me over the edge... OR to the bar, should I say.

I have been wanting to exhale this monumental breath of resentment, anger, sadness. I have been wanting time for me. with a kid it is just so often NOT THERE. When I get the night off, and I should be nurturing me and the life I want, I have been too overwhelmed by the magnitude of what is inside me in this suspended breath. The exhale seems as though it could take out a small nation,as a hurricane would. I began drinking bingelike in order to avoid the exhale. I just kept drinking when I had free time to push back the pain. In the drunk, I would try to find him, and talk, always ending(duh) disasterously.

I have become him, now lying to myself and others, and I did something this week that I deeply regret, and am living in fear of being found out about.

I have been to several AA meetings.Including today, and there is a glimmer of hope,but, I am not a dummy. I dont even know if booze is the issue. I just am so overwhelmed by what has built up inside of me. How do people live with ruining lives like he does? The last few months of my living like this, bingeing 2x a month...I cant even barely look myself in the eye. I hate what I have become. I hate that I am failing at removing myself from harms way. I hate that I have become HIM. I miss myself, and I want to laugh again, for real.

Please just hear me. I know what I need to do for me, and my recovery. I am not afraid of this. It is the release... The massive hell that lives in my chest and stomach that keeps me sleeping on edge, afraid to exhale, for fear that the damn resentment that I have for him will actually consume me.

How will I move up? back to being sort of okay, but,still alone?

FormerDoormat

Perhaps it might also be a good idea to cross post this on the Alcoholics forum since you now find yourself strugging with alcohol. Don't discount counseling because you don't have health insurance or the funds to pay for it. I'm sure there are services available for people in your predicament. Perhaps a woman's shelter, your family doctor, or your clergy can point you in the right direction for free or low-cost counseling.

Until then, AA meetings will be a God send for you. They are free, so by all means go as often as you need--even several times a day. No problem is insurmountable and you are not alone.

guineapigjude

Oh, Adobe, I am sorry for what you're going through.
So glad you are going to AA, it can only help. Can you get to a therapist? Talking to someone might help.
Please keep posting and keep reading. I understand that heavy load you're carrying and your need for letting it go ... and the fear of what that means.
I'll be praying for you and your family.

Wascally Wabbit

You're doing good by posting. I used to keep a hand written journal for years and years and years! It was my way of venting before the internet.
I would look back at those years of sadness, turmoil, anger and resentment that were in every single page. As time went by, those pages lost their importance.
I learned to let go of it all. Every bit of it.

I agree with guinea pigjude. I went to alanon and to a therapist.
It helps so much.
I hope you're feeling better soon.

goldenleaves

I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I too am feeling like I am in a black hole. I just spent 30 mins crying in the shower yelling that I feel like I am 'full of poison'.

I feel like I am full of poison and no matter what I do I can't get it out.

My ex has been described by my therapist as a 'vampire, a conman, a socio-path, an abuser' among other things.

He shows absolutely no remorse for almost sucking the very life itself out of me. I let him almost destroy my heart, my soul, my sanity, the very core of me..... and still he kept lying, stalking, harassing, abusing, charming, cajoling, convincing, casting blame, and using with no thought to how it affected me. In one of the last conversations we had he said he did it all 'because he could'.

If I did not have my therapist I don't know where I would be now. I certainly would have had to have more time off work as I barely hold on and get done what I have to.... but the bills have to be paid. I am struggling with lots of medical issues, just plain sick. I think it is the poison in me still. He put it there and I let him. I am working so hard on so many positive things to help get it out, but still it bubbles up and spews forth and life seems a river of muck sometimes.

Please try and find a therapist..... mine is in the process of doing more research into some of the particular things he did and how they would affect someone as she has not had to deal with this sort of thing to this extent before. She is someone I trust completely and have told things I have told no other about what happened. It is so important to have that impartial person who's not caught up in what's happened to validate the feelings you have and let you know you are not going mad and you deserve so much more and to help you work on how to get there.

Fortunately I have not turned to any type of addictive substance or behaviour to try to numb the pain, but I have considered it. Having my therapist to talk to has probably gone a long way to helping me in this respect.

Going to meetings and finding a therapist will help you find your feet and start climbing out of the hole.

Peace.

laurie6781

Adobe you need to get you and your child to the Domestic Violence Shelter in Pittsburgh.

There you will receive lots of help including therapy, and you and your child will be safe and have distance from this abusive man.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

CBrown

Adobe ... my heart aches for you. I know your pain. Just know there are friends on here willing to listen and help. Prayers coming your way from up in Youngstown!

Lady BlueMiles

Hi Adobe and welcome.
I would stop beating myself up for what you've done in the past. It's a new day. Take it one day at a time.

mallowcup

Sometimes the answers come in ways we don't anticipate. There is nothing you have done that would shock anyone here. I can honestly say that I used to be one of the worst people I know.
When the sun comes up tomorrow, your feet will hit the floor and you will be the new person you have cumulatively become. You have gained insight, wisdom and clarity. We are reborn every single day and we can be whoever we decide to be. There is nothing more interesting or exciting than knowing someone who has come from the depths of life to live a better life. You've tried living stupid that's all and it didn't work.

justjo

Adobe! I read your post three times. You have asked many questions and you have answered some of them. Obviously you can not live like this anymore. (I gather you are still living with him) You and your child need to kick him out. Call the police!
You sound intelligent enough to realize what you need to do to 'smile' again.
I dont know where you live, but start sourcing out help in your area. Womens shelters or family help if you can get it.
Start planning how you can end this madness. You deserve a great life with your baby.

respektingme

adobe, I'm new to Alanon. The biggest thing I'm learning is if you want change, you need to start by making a change. You deserve it and so does your child.