Im so pissed this morning, she never came home, AGAIN
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Colorado springs, co
Posts: 8
Im so pissed this morning, she never came home, AGAIN
Well as I suspected she never came home. Around 2:50 she started calling my cell phone but I never heard it. She never left a message on the house phone but left messages on the cell.
I called her back around 6:30 am and she answered sounding very drunk, slurring and made me wait a lot between the questions I asked her. She said she was cold because she was in one of her friends back yard. I asked her how she got there and she said "I dont have any other place to be" " oh thats right you dont know yet" I asked her what and she said she got pulled over by a DUI cop. When I asked her why wasnt she in Jail she said "I wasnt doing anything". I said I dont understand. (lately she has booze all over the car) She then said she had pulled to the side of the road to sleep. A cop stopped and .....(she never finished her story). I asked her if she passed the breathelizer she said she did. She said she would call me back and hung up.
I am still sitting here wondering where the car is and if she has it why didn't she just pull in front of her friends house and sleep in it. I am also very confused about how a cop did not arrest her! She must be doing somthing other than Alcohol to get into the position where she has to sleep. I just dont understand.
I called her back around 6:30 am and she answered sounding very drunk, slurring and made me wait a lot between the questions I asked her. She said she was cold because she was in one of her friends back yard. I asked her how she got there and she said "I dont have any other place to be" " oh thats right you dont know yet" I asked her what and she said she got pulled over by a DUI cop. When I asked her why wasnt she in Jail she said "I wasnt doing anything". I said I dont understand. (lately she has booze all over the car) She then said she had pulled to the side of the road to sleep. A cop stopped and .....(she never finished her story). I asked her if she passed the breathelizer she said she did. She said she would call me back and hung up.
I am still sitting here wondering where the car is and if she has it why didn't she just pull in front of her friends house and sleep in it. I am also very confused about how a cop did not arrest her! She must be doing somthing other than Alcohol to get into the position where she has to sleep. I just dont understand.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
hey papatuv - she's doing what alcoholics/addicts do. i'm sorry you're being so affected by her disease. stay strong and take good care of yourself today. her choices are hers, and yours are yours.
let go or be dragged.
hugs, k
let go or be dragged.
hugs, k
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
Sadly, you can't help her....but you can help yourself.
Remember, alcoholics lie thats what they do. Anything she says to you will be a lie.
Protect yourself and your kids. This means planning for the worse, while hoping for the best.
Remember, alcoholics lie thats what they do. Anything she says to you will be a lie.
Protect yourself and your kids. This means planning for the worse, while hoping for the best.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Colorado springs, co
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by guyinNC 
Sadly, you can't help her....but you can help yourself.
Remember, alcoholics lie thats what they do. Anything she says to you will be a lie.
Protect yourself and your kids. This means planning for the worse, while hoping for the best.
Remember, alcoholics lie thats what they do. Anything she says to you will be a lie.
Protect yourself and your kids. This means planning for the worse, while hoping for the best.
Im a wreck today.
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
I know that feeling all too well . I rmbr many Sat & Sun mornings where I was a zombie trying to get our four kids fed and dressed and ready for the day and having no idea where this day was going because AH was still out from the nght before and I was up all night long calling his cell and staring out the window .
For me , it doesnt matter where he was or what he did or how much he lied . He was an alcoholic , end of story . I never asked because anything that came out of his mouth was a lie and I felt like a fool for allowing him to think I believed him (it was easier than arguing with him )
Today we have been seperated for about 5 months . He has been sober for 2 wks . That is usually the longest he goes before he drinks again which leads to the drug use . Still I dont question , we have very little contact and I like it that way , my life is much more peaceful now .
The definition of insanity : doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results . You cant change her behavior but you can change yours .
Lot of (())s and prayers for you and your family .. So sorry you are experiencing this!
For me , it doesnt matter where he was or what he did or how much he lied . He was an alcoholic , end of story . I never asked because anything that came out of his mouth was a lie and I felt like a fool for allowing him to think I believed him (it was easier than arguing with him )
Today we have been seperated for about 5 months . He has been sober for 2 wks . That is usually the longest he goes before he drinks again which leads to the drug use . Still I dont question , we have very little contact and I like it that way , my life is much more peaceful now .
The definition of insanity : doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results . You cant change her behavior but you can change yours .
Lot of (())s and prayers for you and your family .. So sorry you are experiencing this!
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Please don't take it personally. That is the alcohol talking. I know EXACTLY what you are going through as it happened to me. Your recount of the nights events could be one of many I went through with my aw.
She herself may not even know/remember where she went or what she did.
One night when I was out of town at a conference my wife arrived plastered to our building without house keys. She woke up the building manager, a friend of ours, who put her in his daughters room to sleep. The next day my wife had no idea how she got there or what happened the night before.
I also got the early am phone calls telling how the policeman was out to get her(slurred speech).
Go to alanon it is for us, we, you. Don't try to argue with her you will only go nuts.
I remember the hurtful things she said and at that time it was very hurtful. I feel terrible for what has happened to a once vibrant, lovely person. If I could turn back the clock to before the drinking started I would.
She herself may not even know/remember where she went or what she did.
One night when I was out of town at a conference my wife arrived plastered to our building without house keys. She woke up the building manager, a friend of ours, who put her in his daughters room to sleep. The next day my wife had no idea how she got there or what happened the night before.
I also got the early am phone calls telling how the policeman was out to get her(slurred speech).
Go to alanon it is for us, we, you. Don't try to argue with her you will only go nuts.
I remember the hurtful things she said and at that time it was very hurtful. I feel terrible for what has happened to a once vibrant, lovely person. If I could turn back the clock to before the drinking started I would.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
You're right - you just don't know. There is the possibility you will never know. She's lying to you and if she blacks out with relative frequency, the chances are she won't remember the lies from the truth even if she gets clean and sober.
It may be the hardest thing for you to let go of your inability to help her, but don't make it the hardest thing for you to get better for YOU. As you can see, getting sucked into her insanity makes you angry, frustrated, and confused. It's a tough pill to swallow, but we have no power whatsoever to make anyone else do what we want them to do.
Time to detach. Please find some Al-Anon meetings and start refocusing on you. There is nothing you can do for her. She owns her addiction(s), and she alone must decide whether or not she wants to get better.
It may be the hardest thing for you to let go of your inability to help her, but don't make it the hardest thing for you to get better for YOU. As you can see, getting sucked into her insanity makes you angry, frustrated, and confused. It's a tough pill to swallow, but we have no power whatsoever to make anyone else do what we want them to do.
Time to detach. Please find some Al-Anon meetings and start refocusing on you. There is nothing you can do for her. She owns her addiction(s), and she alone must decide whether or not she wants to get better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Colorado springs, co
Posts: 8
Well I happened, she got a DUI and a DLAC ? im not sure what that is. I still dont know why they did not haul her but to jail. I guess because she was only over the limit by a small amount. The cops gave her a breathilizer test and her B.A.C. was .08 over the legal limit. They did not let her drive but took her to the hospital where she had to undergo blood test. She came home this morning and wanted to talk. She got real emotional and admitted to sniffing gasoline! That explains a lot in my mind because of her passing out all the time for so many hours at a time.
She has been telling me how much she loves me and how I dont deserve her ( I have read that this is a common cliche) She also cried and said how much she did not want to be in this world. But she doesnt want to kill herself because of the kids. After all that, she begged me to go to a BBQ with her friends where I know there will be booze ( her friends are all Alcs and drug users). She claims she need to be with adults. WTF!!! Anyway now I have my hands full with a former crack additct, now adicted to Gasoline of all things and becoming an Alcoholic. BTW I did no try to stop her going to the BBQ, she just left about an hour ago. Pray for me.
Papa
She has been telling me how much she loves me and how I dont deserve her ( I have read that this is a common cliche) She also cried and said how much she did not want to be in this world. But she doesnt want to kill herself because of the kids. After all that, she begged me to go to a BBQ with her friends where I know there will be booze ( her friends are all Alcs and drug users). She claims she need to be with adults. WTF!!! Anyway now I have my hands full with a former crack additct, now adicted to Gasoline of all things and becoming an Alcoholic. BTW I did no try to stop her going to the BBQ, she just left about an hour ago. Pray for me.
Papa
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
This is going to sound terrible
I have to be honest because I have been right where you are at. I can pray for you. I would have to ask what it is that you wnat God to do for you that you can not do for yourself? I know how that sounds. I came to this epiphany myself. God showed me clearly what I was living with and even then I prayed for an answer. Short of being knocked in the head with a 2x4 with common sense, I wasn't getting it. You aren't getting it either.
Your wife is off at a BBQ after making her family sick with worry and now two pending charges. She is sniffing gasoline. This woman speaks of love? No she is speaking of need. She doens't love you clearly, she needs you.
She has no business using the word love in a sentence. Go get a restraining order and have her put out, she has no business being around children.
I think the prayer has been answered already. I think
God wants not to pervert the definition of love, He wants you to go find love, to feel love, to love someone who can love you. Not all unions are blessed. Some have the opportunity to be blessed, but God will not have a holy union mocked.
If your marriage does not honor God, leave it. It is disrespectful to stay.
our wife has broken her vows, you owe her nothing but the freedom to go and do what she is so determined to do. Shut the door to her, lock it and be done with it. In honor of God.
Your wife is off at a BBQ after making her family sick with worry and now two pending charges. She is sniffing gasoline. This woman speaks of love? No she is speaking of need. She doens't love you clearly, she needs you.
She has no business using the word love in a sentence. Go get a restraining order and have her put out, she has no business being around children.
I think the prayer has been answered already. I think
God wants not to pervert the definition of love, He wants you to go find love, to feel love, to love someone who can love you. Not all unions are blessed. Some have the opportunity to be blessed, but God will not have a holy union mocked.
If your marriage does not honor God, leave it. It is disrespectful to stay.
our wife has broken her vows, you owe her nothing but the freedom to go and do what she is so determined to do. Shut the door to her, lock it and be done with it. In honor of God.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
Oh my. She is so out of control and I know how crazy your life must feel right now.
Have you had a chance to go to a F2F meeting yet? I would suggest it now more than ever. This problem isn't going to go away and your kids are going to need a healthy and sane parent in their life. The Al-Anon program could be a lifeline for you. You may even find a good sponsor to talk to everyday while working on detaching to get the focus back on you and the kids.
Hope you can get some rest. I know that's hard to do being bombarded by all the added responsibilities and recent chaos.
Have you had a chance to go to a F2F meeting yet? I would suggest it now more than ever. This problem isn't going to go away and your kids are going to need a healthy and sane parent in their life. The Al-Anon program could be a lifeline for you. You may even find a good sponsor to talk to everyday while working on detaching to get the focus back on you and the kids.
Hope you can get some rest. I know that's hard to do being bombarded by all the added responsibilities and recent chaos.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Colorado springs, co
Posts: 8
Thank you all so much for your support. Without this board, I think I would be going crazy. All of you help me to keep focus, (as much as I an). Thank you thank you thank you!
She never came home last night, she was at her friends house and used the excuse that there where too many check points out there to drive home. I thought that was so lame cause before she got the DUI, she didnt give a rats ass. I feel like I am beeing hung out to dry, she is making a complete fool of me. I am a very patient man and I dont blow up easy. However because of that, because I am not a complete A-hole, I think I get taken advantage of. I call it nice Guy syndrome. I could probably write a book on this because I know it happens more with women than men. (Nice Woman Syndrom). When you are nice and patient, A-holes take advantage!
She never came home last night, she was at her friends house and used the excuse that there where too many check points out there to drive home. I thought that was so lame cause before she got the DUI, she didnt give a rats ass. I feel like I am beeing hung out to dry, she is making a complete fool of me. I am a very patient man and I dont blow up easy. However because of that, because I am not a complete A-hole, I think I get taken advantage of. I call it nice Guy syndrome. I could probably write a book on this because I know it happens more with women than men. (Nice Woman Syndrom). When you are nice and patient, A-holes take advantage!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: scottsdale arizona
Posts: 21
For me, I finally had enough! I told my sick loved one,get help or get out. I finally left and went to alanon and did not allow the problem to effect me, but him.when they have to face the music alone , they will reach out for help when they hit a bottom. I did not want to be around the stress and insanity,I set a boundary and unless he was in recovery had no contact.I focused on my life and behaviour,I got well even though he did not want too. You and your children deserve better. I found peace living alone and did not give new address.I worked the steps with a sponsor, went to meetings, grew spiritually,got my sleep and exercised,did a lot of reading.Hope you go to Ala-non. Stop looking at the problem that you can;t change and change what you can YOU.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I think as things digress, we get fixed, determined to do what ever it takes to save our marriages. In the process, we stop even considering that the answer is not with them but away from them. It makes total sense that if they love us like they say, we can effect them, we can change them, enlighten them. After all we agreed to stay in sickness and health. If we leave we would be breaking our word when they need us most. Well....
They stood at the altar and vows before us, God, and our families.
They promised to love us, honor us, cherish us, that they would keep us forsaking all others. We are responsible and accountable for who we give the authority of lives over to. Free will always enters into it. Recovery is a struggle but an effort toward it inidcates the desires of someones heart.
I considered that I would rather let my ex husband go than to have him answer for the mockery he made of our marriage.
No married person has a right to spend freely. No married person should be laying down with anyone else. You can't build a home if you aren't in it.
This may sound weird but I actually divorced my forst husband because marriage means something to me, not because it doesn't.
The right or wrong of it lies in the evidence.
As I have said here before, they say that to see a true mans character, look into his wifes eyes. I believe the same is revealed by looking into a husbands eyes.
I looked and I wasn't even in there.
You can easily live an entire life around a person who keeps saying they love you and they don't.
All I'm saying is that maybe it's time to at least consider taking this in the opposite direction. Something wonderful happens when you do. You apply a conviction and you actually see your life change.
They stood at the altar and vows before us, God, and our families.
They promised to love us, honor us, cherish us, that they would keep us forsaking all others. We are responsible and accountable for who we give the authority of lives over to. Free will always enters into it. Recovery is a struggle but an effort toward it inidcates the desires of someones heart.
I considered that I would rather let my ex husband go than to have him answer for the mockery he made of our marriage.
No married person has a right to spend freely. No married person should be laying down with anyone else. You can't build a home if you aren't in it.
This may sound weird but I actually divorced my forst husband because marriage means something to me, not because it doesn't.
The right or wrong of it lies in the evidence.
As I have said here before, they say that to see a true mans character, look into his wifes eyes. I believe the same is revealed by looking into a husbands eyes.
I looked and I wasn't even in there.
You can easily live an entire life around a person who keeps saying they love you and they don't.
All I'm saying is that maybe it's time to at least consider taking this in the opposite direction. Something wonderful happens when you do. You apply a conviction and you actually see your life change.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Gasoline huh? Now that’s a good one.
So Papa let me ask you. How much is enough for you?
Beyond what she uses to get high or low, how she feels about you and your union together should hit you between the eyes.
There is a lot more going on here then a substance abuse problem.
To this my ex would love to pull me back into all her madness and drama.
In effect use me and I wont let her.
There is a level of self-respect that I am now fond of.
I know if I ever sunk to the depths that I was at one time, they will revoke my “man card”.
So Papa let me ask you. How much is enough for you?
Beyond what she uses to get high or low, how she feels about you and your union together should hit you between the eyes.
There is a lot more going on here then a substance abuse problem.
To this my ex would love to pull me back into all her madness and drama.
In effect use me and I wont let her.
There is a level of self-respect that I am now fond of.
I know if I ever sunk to the depths that I was at one time, they will revoke my “man card”.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there Papa, and pleased to meet you 
Been there, done that. My ex-wife is very similar to what you describe. Mine is into pain pills, not booze, but otherwise it's the same story.
"Nice Guy Syndrome" has an offical term. It's called "Co-dependency", and you can find tons of books on the subject at any meeting of al-anon. I found that group to be a life-saver. One meeting in particular was made up of about 100 guys, and every last one of them has exactly the same story, just different spouses.
If you want to read that book you're thinking of writing, check out al-anon. They're in your phone book or here
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html
Mike
Originally Posted by papatuv
... I call it nice Guy syndrome. I could probably write a book on this ...
"Nice Guy Syndrome" has an offical term. It's called "Co-dependency", and you can find tons of books on the subject at any meeting of al-anon. I found that group to be a life-saver. One meeting in particular was made up of about 100 guys, and every last one of them has exactly the same story, just different spouses.
If you want to read that book you're thinking of writing, check out al-anon. They're in your phone book or here
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html
Mike
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