justme

So tired? Just don't know? Why me? Just needed to vent? So alone? Scarred? and the list goes on and on. I have been coming here off and on for 2 1/2 years maybe longer I remember the night I came across this website. I had been crying so much and I remember so many nights I came here to vent. It makes me sick to even think of what I have been through. My adh is a heroin addict and I am an addict too. I am addicted to this sick behavior. Wanted to have a wand to fix everything. As if we could. Oh I am sure there are some people that keep thinking "if I could just say that one thing I know they will change" or if I could just.......But almost 6yrs later of this addiction I wish I could say I am cured but that would be a lie but what I can say is I can finally breath at least right now at this moment. I feel so good and I never thought I was going to feel this good with my adh. He went to a residential home and before this he was in prison for about a year and a half and before that literally days before he went to prison he was in TJ prison which was nothing nice. But he went to this home on his own he has been clean for over a year and a half and yes it was forced but now he is 60 days clean cause he wants to be and not because I am all over him to make those calls or do what I need him to do. I will admit I still have those days I want to do everything for him because I know what is best we all know what they need, Right. I am finally leaving again. I love him so much and I am so glad for these past two months I cant tell you how much we have laughed and enjoyed each others company. I mean we have been together 10 years we were about 18 19 and it is even better. I resented him for so many years but I know that I am not a victim and neither is he we can walk away any moment. Now I know he can relaspe but I also know there is nothing I can say or do to stop him. I no longer am a detective or do I snoop. It isn't easy but if I want to keep moving forward I can't look back. He is so beautiful, oh how I wish I could keep him in my pocket so nothing or no one can hurt him or take him away. But I know I have to let him grow and he is he has done so much in this past two months that makes me so proud of him.Damn I am proud of me too for that matter.Letting him get back on his feet as much as I want to make it easier I know for his own self worth I have to let him do his things he doesn't need another mother he needs a partner just like I do. Why am I rambling I guess because it just feels good to say something positive. I remember phrases like " where is he, does he know that he is killing me,can't he see what he is doing to us, doesn't he love us,I wish for just one moment he could feel what I feel. So many lonely nights feeling sorry for myself;lost in this addiction that I was willing to do whatever it takes. I remember I used to say it felt like I was going to battle with this thing heroin and it was winning and I felt helpless and if I could give my own life to make him well I would just to know he was ok I would do it in a heartbeat because I know my sons would have their papa. Well I just wanted to share. Thank you....I am alive!!!!!!!

Viki

Thanks for sharing your touching memories. It helps to write about your feelings. Never hesitate to vent because their is no sin in it and we have all done it. I'm happy for you that things are workingout. At least somebody is smiling again. I will too ..it just takes time.

sobercuse

Thanks for your post...as I read it, I was feeling like yes I know...I've been there, done that.

Heroin is a vicious drug. It tears people apart immediately.

Stay in recovery, that's where we find hope.
Without hope, one can not begin the struggle to change.

marle

It does get better when we start taking care of ourselves. Thanks for sharing with us. Hugs, Marle

bookmiser

((((((Jlomanzo)))))))

Thank you so much for sharing such an inspiring story.
I wish you both peace, happiness, and continued recovery.
Stop by any time to share.

An sr buddy,
Linda

BigSis

There is always hope... thank you for sharing this.


((Hugs))

greeteachday

Thanks for sharing your hope and your recovery!!

Wascally Wabbit

You are growing! Growning in your own recovery. Congratualtions, your life now belongs to a person well on her way to recovery.

Ann

There comes a time when we stop struggling and learn to take care of ourself. Our anger turns to compassion, our fear turns to faith and we are ready to live life in a healthy way, free of the chaos and drama.

It sounds like you have found this good place called recovery, and my prayers go out for both of you for better paths ahead.

You'll be fine, you've been through the war and have learned to live in peace.

Hugs