Alive

I feel like Mozart...I feel like i am going to die alone one day..I remembered as i started writing the thread, of the last pages of his biography...He wrote a requiem ( to be played after the death of a spirit that visited him)....Even tough we can get out of depression with pills, the troubles are still there..the pills are little temporary lies..I don't see myself covering the pain...If there is pain, then i must feel it..But when you are so disenchanted with yourself what is the way..I have to confess...I don't see the light anymore..I am sorry...But i keep living day by day..You see i can't end the pain of broken dreams..Other people learn to know life can't have dreams come true..But i always lived of dreams...I hate it so much that i am in such a position at such a young age, when all my late friends are dreaming their life away, with no notion of other deeper things...I don't care if my friends turned their back when i needed it..I know i deserved better..what i care is that for the first time in 2 decades, i don't see the light....I am starting to hate that i was driven..Other people simply live and at least they have a smile right now..cuz all they wanted was to sit on the couch everyday...Not that is wrong..is perfectly valid.. i demanded so much of me, that i have nothing..Stone will say, everybody does, but it still sucks..lol..

I take full responsibility for my destruction.. I have been making the same mistakes for 8 years...And God whispered, he said stop, but i never stopped destructing me..I didn't need alcohol or drugs..i was my own drug, my own enemy...Nothing and nobody would ever have hurt me if hadn't brought all this karma to myself..When you whine and cry and live in self despair you bring more of that..I know i am a good man to most people, but i am not good to myself..

I don't get why as a child i was troubled, even tough i was happy...

I am writing this thread so i won't repeat this everywhere to newcomers or other people..If you are starting digging the whole please stop and know that it can always get worse..i realize there are rock bottoms, not just one, unless you wanna stop, cuz there can always be another one..the human being can always damage himself a little more....i am a master of that..i don't know why, but something in my being thinks i wasn't worthy of walking on the land like others..something was instilled in me as a child that i sucked..But it's my fault that i believed it and made it bigger..Then you develop such anger to the world, when it's only an incredible despair of being inside somebody in search of peace....

I know people say with very good intention go to a shrink..But i've been there..I spoke my best..and they could never get it..A shrink won't make you be whole..You talk, talk, it might feel better..But i am not an introverting person.. I speak it all in my day to day..There's nothing i haven't spoken about, but i am simply disenchanted..

And the funny is, i am disenchanted because i am a dreamer..and to me not being able to dream anymore is the worse i could get..I grew up believing i could do anything..today i can't do a thing..

I just wrote this in part because i am telling you stop before you can..A lot of people aren't here today..We are the lucky ones, we are the ones who got away before life said stop for good, because the other ones didn't listen to the whispers of God in time..or simply didn't get another chance..

Rowan

Karim, for a long time, I didn't think I was worthy of being in this world, either. You can't give up on yourself.

Anna

Karim,

There is always hope. As long as there is a breath of life in us, there is always hope. It is never too late. You are a young man and you have not destroyed yourself or your life. I understand that it feels like that to you now, but there is so much more. And, being a dreamer is wonderful. Dreams can come true and they do come true every day, when you believe.

I believe that we create our own futures by the thoughts we have today. If we have positive thoughts, we will create a good future. What we give out, is what comes back to us.

Emily2002

Karim -- You have us. And I, for one, am glad for you.

Keep dreaming ...and posting.

Dee74

Karim. I lost hope. I lost 15 years of my life...
I've got my life back. and my hope.

Don't give up. You have so much going for you. I hope you see that soon.

I hope you realise it's not a sin to reach out and get help, man. You're only hurting yourself trying to do this alone, and that really really makes me sad.

D

Rusty Zipper

What is hope, ask a lonesome soul,
When the uncertainties linger around in mind,
hope is the only refuge to calm our fears,
When the loneliness sends one in depression,
the hope of a companionship overshadows the despair.

What is hope, ask a human being,
our life is a sand castle of hope on a sandy beach,
with the lingering fear of drowning in occasional high tide,
our destiny, our future, and our own survival,
hangs around the magical hope, the hope that is the eternal inspiration.

CarolD

Prayers zinging your way...Mega Hugs too!

(+) (+) (+)

citychick

Karim, the BB says our 'serenity is inversely proportional to our expectations' so don't have them ,good or bad..a gratitude list, there's got to be something you can start it off with...feelings pass, you are not your feelings.....I read your posts, you've got a lot of good things to say to a lot of people.....prayers coming your way.

stone

Andrew Solomon wrote in 'Anatomy of Melancholy':

When you are depressed, the past and the future are absorbed entirely by the present, as in the world of a three-year-old. You can neither remember feeling better nor imagine that you will feel better. Being upset, even profoundly upset, is a temporal experience, whereas depression is atemporal. Depression means that you have no point of view.


You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Just a couple of thoughts.

((((((((Karim)))))))))

parentrecovers

i like ya just the way you are, karim.

GlassPrisoner

Not by myself I can't. Although I once thought I could do anything I set my mind to. I also thought I had the ability to shape my destiny, that everything and everyone around me was under the influence and command of my will.

I was wrong.

Today, I simply have faith, take action, and wait for my Higher Power (God) to sort things out for me. It ALWAYS turns out for the better, though usually not the way I though it would. That said, I've never been happier.

Try turning your life and will over, you may just find that that pesky depression and hopelesness turn into a distant memory. It did for me.

(((Karim))))