Shouldn't he pay for his sins from the beer?
Keepingmyjoy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
Shouldn't he pay for his sins from the beer?
Ok, been reading some stuff here and have a question. As a codie trying to become detached, I have been changing alot of my actions etc. There is a really big one that I need to change and not sure now how to go about it.
I was reading that the A needs to face the consequences and I cannot help him hide or cover up for him etc. When my AH got his 2 DWI's 5 years ago (!), he lost his license. Back then, my total codie self bailed him out, both times, 4 weeks apart each. With a good lawyer, he stayed out of jail. But lost his license, got 5 yrs probation, got off for good behavior etc. (Good behavior...what a joke.... he just lies good!) Court ordered the breathalizer thingy to disable the car if he drinks. Since then, we have had one car, mine. He never went back to get his license cause he doesn't want that thingy in the car, he has to pay for it to be installed.
So, I have been driving him to and picking him up from work for over 5 years....through pregnacy, infant, sickness... I am ashamed that I dragged my infant out in the cold winter to drive his sorry a** to work now that I am starting to see more clearly my own behaviors etc. 5 YEARS! I told him 1 year ago that I am worn out. He works at all different locations of construction and is all over the place....There are days I am driving for 3 hrs a day to go get him. I told him last Sept that I cannot do it anymore. Of course, he ignored it and I did not enforce it.
Well, I am ready to enforce this one. So, what do you guys think? Blast me into reality! How should I tell him I refuse to drive him to work anymore? We need his paycheck by the way, and that is why he always tries to make this into a family thing...we need to do this etc. I was thinking I could say to him that he needs to go back to the alcohol counseling center, do the steps they tell him to do in order to get his license back, and get himself a car etc. I know it will take a while cause they want him to do the whole counseling thing again, and that's why he has refused to do it and so goes without a license--causing my life misery. HENCE...SHOULDN'T HE PAY FOR HIS SINS FROM THE BEER?
Should I give him an ultimatum--you have 2 weeks to call them, get going with it or else? And then I am at a loss of "or else" what? If I did not have a 3 yr old, I would just pack my car and leave....am I f****ng crazy! What was I thinking all this time! AAAHHH! Should I just refuse to drive him if he doesn't start the process of counseling and getting his license back? I think he likes not having his license...then I have to do everything! He never has to run to store, do errands, pay bills, etc. What a piece of work. I should have such a nice cushy life.
Please, blast me between the eyeballs....any ideas how to accomplish this?
I was reading that the A needs to face the consequences and I cannot help him hide or cover up for him etc. When my AH got his 2 DWI's 5 years ago (!), he lost his license. Back then, my total codie self bailed him out, both times, 4 weeks apart each. With a good lawyer, he stayed out of jail. But lost his license, got 5 yrs probation, got off for good behavior etc. (Good behavior...what a joke.... he just lies good!) Court ordered the breathalizer thingy to disable the car if he drinks. Since then, we have had one car, mine. He never went back to get his license cause he doesn't want that thingy in the car, he has to pay for it to be installed.
So, I have been driving him to and picking him up from work for over 5 years....through pregnacy, infant, sickness... I am ashamed that I dragged my infant out in the cold winter to drive his sorry a** to work now that I am starting to see more clearly my own behaviors etc. 5 YEARS! I told him 1 year ago that I am worn out. He works at all different locations of construction and is all over the place....There are days I am driving for 3 hrs a day to go get him. I told him last Sept that I cannot do it anymore. Of course, he ignored it and I did not enforce it.
Well, I am ready to enforce this one. So, what do you guys think? Blast me into reality! How should I tell him I refuse to drive him to work anymore? We need his paycheck by the way, and that is why he always tries to make this into a family thing...we need to do this etc. I was thinking I could say to him that he needs to go back to the alcohol counseling center, do the steps they tell him to do in order to get his license back, and get himself a car etc. I know it will take a while cause they want him to do the whole counseling thing again, and that's why he has refused to do it and so goes without a license--causing my life misery. HENCE...SHOULDN'T HE PAY FOR HIS SINS FROM THE BEER?
Should I give him an ultimatum--you have 2 weeks to call them, get going with it or else? And then I am at a loss of "or else" what? If I did not have a 3 yr old, I would just pack my car and leave....am I f****ng crazy! What was I thinking all this time! AAAHHH! Should I just refuse to drive him if he doesn't start the process of counseling and getting his license back? I think he likes not having his license...then I have to do everything! He never has to run to store, do errands, pay bills, etc. What a piece of work. I should have such a nice cushy life.
Please, blast me between the eyeballs....any ideas how to accomplish this?
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
First - congrats to you for the awareness that your present situation isn't working for you anymore and for the willingness to stand up & say "Hey this ain't so great for me"
That's great steps in self-love, self-awareness and self-care.
There are a lot of things you could do - but for me (not saying it is you, just saying this is how I am) if I start telling someone specific things they need to do - it is part of my wanting to control the situation and find the solution.
My perception of this situation is that HE needs transportation to work. Maybe you could set a deadline - like as of this date _____, I am not going to be able to drive you to & from work anymore. It will be your responsibility to find your own means of transportation.
This way - it allows him the ability to find the dignity within himself to solve his own problems. For me, it is about me stepping back and letting my loved ones find their own self-worth and self-respect to take care of their own issues. As long as I'm doing that for them - mine have not been able to do that.
I'm sure others will be along soon to offer other suggestions also - These are tough steps you are taking - good for you in taking care of YOU.
For me, it helps to have a set plan, with some options as to what I'm willing to do if my loved ones do not take on their responsibilites.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
That's great steps in self-love, self-awareness and self-care.
There are a lot of things you could do - but for me (not saying it is you, just saying this is how I am) if I start telling someone specific things they need to do - it is part of my wanting to control the situation and find the solution.
My perception of this situation is that HE needs transportation to work. Maybe you could set a deadline - like as of this date _____, I am not going to be able to drive you to & from work anymore. It will be your responsibility to find your own means of transportation.
This way - it allows him the ability to find the dignity within himself to solve his own problems. For me, it is about me stepping back and letting my loved ones find their own self-worth and self-respect to take care of their own issues. As long as I'm doing that for them - mine have not been able to do that.
I'm sure others will be along soon to offer other suggestions also - These are tough steps you are taking - good for you in taking care of YOU.
For me, it helps to have a set plan, with some options as to what I'm willing to do if my loved ones do not take on their responsibilites.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Sounds like you told him a year ago that you were worn out. What effort did he make to help you relieve that? Ultimatums never worked for me. My life improved when I took action that was in my best interests. The only person who knows what is best for me is me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: edinburg, va
Posts: 7
Setting boundaries is a cornerstone of al anon. If you are unfamiliar with the program, I encourage you to take the time to learn about it. Boundaries are for your protection, not his punishment; and they only work if they have consequences that can be applied. For instance, if my AH drinks, he may not sleep in bed with me. I do not allow it because he snores, stinks, and keeps me awake.
It sounds like you need to set a boundary regarding his transportation. He did not take your ultimatum seriously because he foresaw no change in your behavior. One slogan of Alanon is "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean." Remember that when you are forming your boundary and determining the consequences. Good luck!
It sounds like you need to set a boundary regarding his transportation. He did not take your ultimatum seriously because he foresaw no change in your behavior. One slogan of Alanon is "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean." Remember that when you are forming your boundary and determining the consequences. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Unstable State
Posts: 95
I have the same problem with my wife only it pertains to her career. She lost her nursing license and can only get it back if she goes through the program. Do you think she cares?, no. There is nothing I can say to get her to fight for her career. I think there is more than boundrys going on here. This is a tough one. Will she pay the consequences of her actions?, probably not, too easy to just get by on a low paying job. If I divorce her the judge will probably make me pay the difference of our incomes, she can't lose.
Good luck, it looks like he has it made also.
Good luck, it looks like he has it made also.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
It seems you AH is not feeling the consequences of losing his license. Heck he has a chauffeur! Why shoudl he care that he can't drive. He gets out of chores that require driving. He gets to ignore his responsibilities.
Only you can decide what you want and are willing to do about your allowing him to escape these consequences. You can decide to set limits, you can decide to stop driving him, you can say I will be leaving if you don't do what you have to do to become an equal partner in this marriage, you can decide to put up with it longer, etc. Ask yourself what you want and act on that. Don't be asking what he wants because he is responsible for all that.
Only you can decide what you want and are willing to do about your allowing him to escape these consequences. You can decide to set limits, you can decide to stop driving him, you can say I will be leaving if you don't do what you have to do to become an equal partner in this marriage, you can decide to put up with it longer, etc. Ask yourself what you want and act on that. Don't be asking what he wants because he is responsible for all that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
I'm sorry your feeling so tired. I get so tired too. I would think this through before bringing it up though. Try to find boundaries that will work for your life.
We all share a bond of being affected by alcoholism with each situation being unique to the individuals involved. Our lives get twisted, tangled up and complicated being enmeshed with the A's disease (and our own codie disease).
I'm enmeshed in a no win situation for me. Like you, my AH is the primary breadwinner and I depend on his monies for day to day survival. This gives him alot of control and power over me with plenty of opportunity for verbal and emotional abuse, taking me for granted etc.
How many times have I heard "I pay the bills around here" and "if you don't like it there's the door." There isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't make me feel financially inadaquate in some way or another by literally throwing stacks of bills at me or with comments like "and what do you contribute around here" or "this is MY house and I won't answer to you."
So like you, I'm trying to get disentangled from the overwhelming mess created and work on my issues. I'm finding that taking small steps is working for me. Placing boundaries is hit or miss with him and I'm learning to choose carefully. I'm finding the only ones that work right now are ones that don't directly put any demands on him and empowering me.
Examples like, I now work a full time job. (low level, low pay but it's a start and hope to move up, earn more) I have my own IRA started, I have my own checking, and refuse to share any more accounts, sign anything together, I have my own medical benefits, and want to get my own car insurance in my name.
It's alot to think about.
We all share a bond of being affected by alcoholism with each situation being unique to the individuals involved. Our lives get twisted, tangled up and complicated being enmeshed with the A's disease (and our own codie disease).
I'm enmeshed in a no win situation for me. Like you, my AH is the primary breadwinner and I depend on his monies for day to day survival. This gives him alot of control and power over me with plenty of opportunity for verbal and emotional abuse, taking me for granted etc.
How many times have I heard "I pay the bills around here" and "if you don't like it there's the door." There isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't make me feel financially inadaquate in some way or another by literally throwing stacks of bills at me or with comments like "and what do you contribute around here" or "this is MY house and I won't answer to you."
So like you, I'm trying to get disentangled from the overwhelming mess created and work on my issues. I'm finding that taking small steps is working for me. Placing boundaries is hit or miss with him and I'm learning to choose carefully. I'm finding the only ones that work right now are ones that don't directly put any demands on him and empowering me.
Examples like, I now work a full time job. (low level, low pay but it's a start and hope to move up, earn more) I have my own IRA started, I have my own checking, and refuse to share any more accounts, sign anything together, I have my own medical benefits, and want to get my own car insurance in my name.
It's alot to think about.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
It seems you AH is not feeling the consequences of losing his license. Heck he has a chauffeur! Why shoudl he care that he can't drive. He gets out of chores that require driving. He gets to ignore his responsibilities.
He won't go into recovery until the pain of going to something like AA is less then the pain of continuing drinking. Problem is, alkies can stand a LOT of pain.....
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I have lots of experience just like this. Doing so much for the them that I had no energy left for my self. When I finally woke up and realized I just couldn't do it all any more, and put my foot down, I got called all kinds of names, and even spit in my face!! Can you imagine your own child spitting in your face because you refuse to enable them any longer, and you now make them respinsible for their own actions?
Well, I stuck to my newly made boundaries and I have not moved from them. I can tell you that I now have some peace and a lot of energy I never had before.
Never in my life will I ever again enable people to take advantage of me like that.
I take care of myself first and formost.
You see, addicts and alcoholics do not care about how you feel, what you think, or how tired you are. So, it's up to us to take care of ourselves.
After the initial pain of the reactions from the family members whom I spent all my life enabling, things began to smooth out for me.
I no longer had the horrid chaos, the mental and physical exhaustion, and I found peace. I learned all this in alanon. It took a while, but I finally got it.
You deserve better.
Well, I stuck to my newly made boundaries and I have not moved from them. I can tell you that I now have some peace and a lot of energy I never had before.
Never in my life will I ever again enable people to take advantage of me like that.
I take care of myself first and formost.
You see, addicts and alcoholics do not care about how you feel, what you think, or how tired you are. So, it's up to us to take care of ourselves.
After the initial pain of the reactions from the family members whom I spent all my life enabling, things began to smooth out for me.
I no longer had the horrid chaos, the mental and physical exhaustion, and I found peace. I learned all this in alanon. It took a while, but I finally got it.
You deserve better.
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