mamaplus2kids

I am at a loss. I have been involved with a 42-year old man for the last year. He is a daily pot smoker. I do not see him smoke it, as he knows that I don't approve. He tells me he smokes small quantities mixed with tobacco and compares his cigarettes to a few sips of wine. I told him that I didn't like it, even if, in our country, it is legal to grow up to 10 plants for private consumption. I just thought it was wreaking havoc on his health and motivation. He is an artist and claims this helps his creativity. I have never seen him "stoned" but then again, I might not know what to look for. Our relationship has been nice. He's a quiet, sweet, loving person. But lately, I feel he has been forcing the love bit. Perhaps he sees that I am questioning things and this freaks him out. In terms of enabling him, I think I provide him with company that he would otherwise have to seek out in bars. Sometimes, I feel I should stop staying in touch with other friends, (he is very jealous), and I sometimes feel I should not go on a trip, as he doesn't like to travel. Because of his lack of motivation, he also can't afford to do many things that normal people would be able to afford. I don't know what to do.

ladyjane

If he has a lack of motivation, then the pot must be interfering with his creativity, instead of the other way around. See your friends and travel, mama.
____________________
Trish

stevie g

Pot smokers who have a daily habit, and according to how much they smoke will become very insular, and self indulgent, why let him dictate when you see your friends?....before you know it you will be living your life just how he wants you to!...pot makes you think differently...unless you start smoking yourself, you will always be on a different mind set to his. I have a son who smoked pot...it eventually ended with him becoming mentally ill, but that was because he started to smoke it when he was 16.....not trying to frighten you but I think you should very gradually back off a little, and keep seeing your friends!!!

mamaplus2kids

Thank you for your advice! It's just so hard letting go.

hope213

pot is a drug just like alcohol. i do not believe in them no matter how legal it is.it changes a person. i would live my life, meet people & back off from him.he is going to smoke if u like it or not. nothing u can do. prayers,

guineapigjude

Run, don't walk. Survivor of a twenty year relationship with a pot addict. Not good, not pretty, and it goes downhill from there.

BigSis

Well... what do YOU want?


What sort of life do you have today? How does that compare to the one you thought you might have?

If you like to travel, will he allow you to travel alone or with other friends?

If he won't "allow" you to travel, how does that make you feel? What other events and activities will he not "allow"?

Where do you see yourself in a year? In five years?

Addiction is chronic and progressive. That means that it is present at all times - even when we stop using the mind/mood altering substances. And it means it gets worse over time... even if we don't use substances.

I have not drank in over 20years... but if I go back out, I would bet good money that within only months, I would likely be AS bad an alcoholic as if I had never quit. I say this after having seen this happen in others, and by listening and watching others who have made this choice.

What does this man bring to the relationship? Love? Kindness?

It doesn't sound kind or loving to me that he wants you to rearrange YOUR likes and desires to fit HIS needs.

What I've discovered is that I am attracted to alcoholics and addicts. All of the men in my life, and most of the women share this trait, and one other thing.... they are friends with me.

There is something about me that allows addicts and alcoholics to be in a relationship with me. Over time, I've discovered it was my lack of boundaries.

You might consider taking a look at your personal boundaries in relation to this man and ask yourself if this relationship meets YOUR needs.


And keep posting - you are with friends.


(((hugs)))

mamaplus2kids

Wow! What great posts! You are absolutely right. Now that I'm coming off the first stages of being "in love", I'm starting to pay more attention to my needs. I've told him that I don't want to live with him if he is smoking. I also, told him I don't see a future with him if he continues. He said that he is contemplating quitting, but that he loves it. He also says that he had always imagined himself smoking into his 80's. I personally don't think this will happen, as his coughing is quite nasty.

ladyamalthea

Are you sure the cough is from the pot? I'm kinda ignorant on that one, but I have a nasty cough, and have never smoked anything a day in my life. Maybe he should get it checked out, just to be sure? Just a thought...

Either way, I am so glad you're putting yourself first here. You should never ever feel guilty for doing things that you want to do, just because he doesn't approve. He does things you don't like... so why should you try to please him?

IMHO, him saying that he is contemplating quitting, but loves it, is just a softer way of saying he's addicted and the pot is not going anywhere. But I'm sure you already knew that

You're in my thoughts tonight.

Elana

Your BF sounds like my XABF. Mine was a photographer. Smart. Funny. But sooo self involved and he smoked daily.. fact is he smoked as much as anyone who would be considered a "light" cgarette smoker.

Motivation? Hahahaha.. Mine had lots of ideas but no guts to get out and DO anything.. except cheat on ME and take as much as he could get with that sad puppy dog look and a story of how he could not pay this or that. I fell for it but he is gone now and I will NEVER fall for it again.

When he talked about pot he would get motivated. He talked to me about growing it and his voice would get an edge and he would get a light in his eyes. he talked about it like it was the love of his life (because it is!).

He claimed to be a "reformed" coke user but he got that same look and tone to his voice when he spoke of the old days doing coke. Who knows if they were really the old days or just something I did not see.

I was married to an alcoholic for 20 years who was not active when I met him and not active for the first 3 years of our marriage (but was not in recovery either).

Just because a drug is legal does not make it any less a drug.

My XABF wanted to go to Switzerland on Vacation (my dime BTW and we did not go.. would have loved to go.. you have a lovely country!). Now that I know MJ is legal there I pretty well know why HE wanted to go to Switzerland...

Elana

PS: My XABF did not like my friends or like me to spend time with them. Of course, my friends are not dope users or addicts. he was very critical of me, my family and my friends.

Like I said.. he is gone (and I am so happy to be free of him).

puddinface

Mama...if he's still smokin pot at 42...I don't foresee him stoppin anytime soon. He's probably been smokin it for years. I would definitely move on...

confusedwoman4

Great posts ahead of me!! I agree it is a progressive thing....addiction. My ex abf has been smoking pot since he was a teenager he is now 35 and also is doing coke. He has been gone for 2 weeks now. Man do I feel better to have that crap outta my life. My 17 year old daughter just told me tonight that she was getting pot from him last year but realized that it was affecting her memory and she coulden't focus at school. She quit if he really wanted to he could do it too. I came here in the beginning of all my mess to find the strength to kick him out and now I come back to read and reinforce my decision. These people here can give you a LOT of strength just listen to what they say, for they are right!!

((hugs))
Gina

justjo

You have to make up your own mind honey. I watched my son and his girlfriend over many years battle with their relationship. It was hard as a mother, to see my son treat her so badly. She loved him dearly, but the daily drug smoking finally saw them break up. He too was extremely jealous and in the end wanted to know what she was doing every minute of the day. Controlling, yep, and would be quite nasty. In the end I told her she deserved better. Yes I butted in, he could not see that the drugs were affecting his behaviour. Only one year for you so far and he is 42. Miracle can happen they say, but I predict he will eventually try to take control of you.
I would seriously consider where you want to be.

calabash

I smokerd pot for 17 years from 18 to 35. I ended up a cocaine addict. But even if he sticks to the weed, I cannot believe how damaging it was to me. But so subtle. It basically made me live in a bubble. Always a bit detached from life, emotions and those around me. And I had no problem with ideas, but could never implement them - if I was lucky enough to remember them. I was a complete weed freak. I made tea with it, baked with it, smoked it, advocated it. Mother natures herb and all.

When I stopped using all drugs, I realised how weed made me live small. It kept me outside of my own life. Trouble was, I could not see that.

Weed is a very very damaging drug. Trouble is it is so subtle in its destruction we sometimes do not see it.

I am so glad I got that weed monkey of my back. Now I can Live LARGE!

guineapigjude

The coughing more than likely [I]is[I] from smoking pot. Pot smoking is just as, if not more damaging to the lungs than cigarette smoke. My XAH developed severe asthma from a combo of cigarette and pot smoking. He quit smoking cigs, and five years later his asthma is worse than ever because of the pot.
My XAH used to get up to smoke pot several times a night and after would say "Yum. I love pot". Very sad.

mamaplus2kids

Thank you all. I am just trying to figure out how to keep him in my life in a limited way. Where is the boundary? Cutting him out of my life would be sad. On the other hand, I don't want to live with him, don't want to have kids with him... He has been a good friend (as best as he can be). I guess I am afraid of losing him. But perhaps, I should go out and look for more friends.

bookmiser

((((((Mama))))))

and welcome to sr.
All great responses before me.
Just wanted to add my support and let you know we're here for ya. Whatever you decide. I wonder if my son knows about the legality of weed there? i wouldn't be surprised if he started packing for the move today. lol
Keep comin' back for support, prayers, and hugs.
A new sr buddy,