respektingme

AH says many couples split because when the AH stops drinking, he takes control over the finances and the wife doesn't like that.

He claims that he's not taking "control", he's only budgeting.

That seems to be on his mind a lot these days, determining if what I spent was a need or a want.

We moved in March. He makes a really good salary. Because of his cheapness, I did most of our last home improvements myself. We rarely ever bought furniture. What we had I either made (beds), bought used or on clearance. So I spent some money getting this house together.

Well, now he's refocused his attention from drinking to what I spend. Told me this morning that buying our dining room table was a want, not a need. The country oak table his mommy gave him before he ever met me (13 years ago) was perfectly fine.

I'm done shopping. Our house now is furnished. He won't shut up about the damned money!! Hell! He didn't even know where his 401k's were until recently. Didn't even know how much money he had. I made him $30k on one investment alone last year.

So he wakes up out of his booze-induced coma for the last 13 years and decides to micromanage my spending. Now he wants to start doing the "right" thing and start giving 10% to the church every month. All these grandiouse decisions now that he's official sober.

Barbara52

How frustrating that must be! I feel for you.

sunshine321

I would be upset about that too. It doesn't seem fair. I hope with time this will pass too. I guess he's attempting to control what he can now that he can see. I'm sorry you are going through this. Remember to keep working Al-Anon. It works if you work it.

Jenny

CE Girl

Geez,,Respectingme,,don't they just become OBNOXIOUS when they get sober?!?!?! Almost makes you wish they were a DRUNK again,,,, he,he,he

Said FIRMLY with tongue in cheek,,,,

Funny how we get used to the OTHER abuse, not realizing, "normal" can sometimes be much worse to try and deal with?

BUT QUACKING is quacking,,,QUACK<QUACK<QUACK

Frankly, when my XA got "holier than thou" in his maiden days of sobriety, I practiced my new found "detachment" skills. I went surfing,,,

Peace

respektingme

I know, where is he getting this thinking? I told him this morning, he has been checked out for the last several years. So he checks back in and now wants to micromanage the money? WTF? He makes well into the 6-digits, and we are supposed to keep a piece of crap, stained oak country table his mother gave him when he was single for a formal dining room set? THAT is what he chooses to focus on??????

Like I'm supposed to feel guilty for the fact that we have some nice furniture for once in our lives, that I didn't buy on Ebay used? This is NUTS!!

He gets to choose what I need? Because he doesn't need more than a mattress and a recliner, that is all I need?

He's upset because he says he can't talk to me about money without me getting upset.

Pick-a-name

Sounds like my AH over the past many years.......self-employeed,so I went along with it for years,until he bought an "investment" for himself: a Porsche 911. egads!

Sorry; I understand your frustration. I hope your AH is trying to be "more responsible" and just off the deep end until he mellows.

ICU

I've read somewhere that this is not an uncommon thing to happen once sobriety is maintained. I just can't think of where I read it for sure....Alanon books or literature, my ex's Big Book, etc. I'll have to look into my Alanon stuff and see if I can find how it is explained, and, suggestions. I think it made reference to the partner of the alcoholic and their resentments of the A 'infringing' on what the non drinker use to handle just fine without input. I'm not saying that you are resentful...not my call to make.

It must be very frustrating for you for sure.

BTW, do you go to Alanon meetings?

respektingme

Yes I go to Alanon. I don't have a sponsor. Probably need one. Frustrated, no, not quite. I would like more input from him though than what I have received in the past, which has just been "don't spend" while he continues to lie and pickle himself in vodka. I mean, when he's in a drunken stupor, he could live in a cardboard box and not care. So now he's sober and it's not that I don't mind sharing some of the responsibilities, but there is more to it than simply becoming "the boss" and cherry picking what he wants. Like, "I'm sober, so don't plan on spending another nickle because I'm not drinking and there's nothing for you to complain about now". For instance, there are a ton of things that need to be done around here. I've sent him lists before and nothing ever happens. He's still driving on out-of-state tags and we've been here 6 months. He still has an out-of-state license. He hasn't done any research to find out how to get a copy of his birth certificate to get these things. The garage is a mess, and has had sunflower seeds strewn all over it for weeks now because he knocked a bag over and never cleaned it up. The lightswitch to the fireplace is broken, and he could care less, just something else for me to figure out. His car trunk lock and side window don't work, but they haven't for months. He could care less. I mean, to an extent I'm glad he's woken up from his booze-induced haze. But does he have to sit up with his finger pointed straight at me???? There are other things to consider as well. This isn't a group effort to change things around here, this is him taking the reins. And while I may have been running the show for the last several years, and don't mind co-sharing responsibilities, I don't like having a boss for a husband. I didn't sign on for a drunk or a boss for a husband. Always wanted someone with similar interests and that never happened.

Barbara52

OMG! That last bit sounds so like my AH! There are all sorts of things he needs to take care of and he does nothing.

For instance, he's been out of work for 2 yrs now yet still hasn't done anything to change his child support order to recognize that and lower the amount. In stead, he just stopped paying it and then ended up paying $13000 out of our equity line to avoid going to jail for being a deadbeat. All its takes to change it is to go to the court house, fill out the paper work and submit it. An hour at most, no attorney needed. But noooo, he still hasn't done it.

Of course the taking the $13K out of the equity line was one of the things that helped me reach the point where I knew I had to leave so it wasn't all bad.

GlassPrisoner

30 days is commendable, but just a drop in the bucket. I was still (almost at least )de-toxing at 30 days.

He should focus on his recovery. Everything else will work itself out in time. If he insists on controlling everything and everyone around him, I'm afraid he won't make it too long. That's part of the insanity described in Step 2.

Lady BlueMiles

I feel for ya respektingme. I can understand you feeling so frustrated with this latest turn of events. Ugh. Will he consider a recovery program? It would be such a shame to see his sobriety efforts go for nothing because he doesn't have the tools to work with.

AH and I can't discuss or manage budgeting or finances because he is controlling, selfish and unreasonable. Once I realized I was expected to live on air, in squalor to accomodate his needs and wants I stopped being frustrated. Nothing more to talk about. That's not budgeting, that's life on his one way street leaving me with a bleak looking future.

harleygirl92156

I guess after reading your posts I have a question.
Do you have a job?

If so, open your own checking account and keep your money for the things you want like new furniture, etc.

If not, you might consider getting a job, full time or part time, so you have your own funds to spend as you see fit.

It is all about taking care of yourself, doing what you need to do to have serenity and peace.

Finally, I sense some anger and resentment in your posts. Not just about the finances but about his past behaviors while drinking. Please go to Al anon, work the 12 steps yourself and see if you can find some compassion, understanding and forgiveness, it will make life much easier for you.

I understand your feelings, especially the anger over past regressions, but I also know what it feels like to let those feelings go and free yourself from the chains they wrap around your soul.

Good Luck and God Bless