MissesNormalDaD

Sorry it's been a while since i posted in here guys...just felt a nudge to post. Maybe i can get some guidence from you guys. As most of you know my father is addicted to Oxycodone drank with a bottle of Vodka, not a good combination. Anyways, he relapsed 8 months out of treatment, after that relapse we figured he will probably get back on his feet and get better. Although things didnt get better, they became worse. At one point he was 'out' of it for 3 days straight not remembering anything he was/had doing/done. We stayed ina motel for a night, the first night of his 'crazy' 3 day marathon. When we got back the house was torn apart, my mothers pearls that are some 80-100 years old that she had recieved from her mother were gone, all kinds of pill bottles had disapeared (motrin, zoloft, etc etc etc.) and me and my mom were just...shocked? confused? no words can explain how we felt at that moment. 2 hours after we had gotten home he was laying in our garage with a pliars and what we thought roll off, an oxycodone, he to this day does not admit to attempting to crush/snort his oxycodone pill. Anyways, we call the police/ambulance and he gets picked up and gets brought to the hospital. Once he left we decided since we had no groceries to go to Wal-Mart and pick up some things. 8 o'clock came by and we were driving home, very happy that he was brought to hospital/detox. There was a taxi cab infront of our house...my heart just STOPPED! i was so freaked out. so we got out and here my dad was climbing into our basement window. The taxi driver called into the company he was out of and they called 911, police were here soon. he had locked the door, and everything so we couldnt get in. they talked to my dad through the door and he opened it up and they talked to him sum more. later on he was brought to his mother/father's house to stay the night because he didnt want to be brought to detox. to make a long story short he stayed there that night because he had gotten into a fight at detox with the guards and thought he broke his elbow, they brought him to the hospital again for the 2nd time taht night and he just ...walked out of the hospital which is how he got to our home. Continuing to the next day....so he comes home that morning still high as hell (sorry for the swear word :-\ ) and he wanted his metformin, mom gave it to him, he left went to mom and dads. then he came BACK again! and asked my mom if he could 'detox' in our basement...she told him that he isnt going to do that to us, to go to the detox in duluth (across from superior) and he denied it and went back to his mom and dads, before he left he said "well...the highbride is looking good from here..." which normal people would take as a suicidal comment. we once again called the police, they are always patrolling the bridge so he was never caught there...well he caleld from his parents house and said hes just going to detox over there atthey're house. just to make a long story short, after the next day my mom had an emotional break down because of everything that had happened, i called the police and they brought my mom to the hospital for 3 days so she could get better a bit and take a 'break' from everything. my dad came wen he found out she was having one and of course, hes DRUNK AGAIN!!! i was...so...heh no word can explain once again what i felt towards my father. he got into a fight with my uncle who also came to talk to my mom because i called her. The police arrested him for a 12 hour lockup in the jail. i was left with 2 children on my own, at 15 years old. not trying to make everyone feel bad for me but i felt like the world was collapsing on top of me as i knew it. thank god for some help from our church the Superior Vineyard. my moms great friend helpd me and brought us in while everything was happening. bbut anyways my dad and mom had an 'intervention'? type thing with a councilor, ahhh family assesment is what its called. anyways it went good my dad was sober for 3 weeks after she had gotten out. just these past 3 days he has been drinking once again...im so HURT by everything he has done to me i just dont feel like living anymore because of what he has done. is this how life is supposed to be? i dont think so but if i'm wrong correct me please. is this how a father is supposed to act?

I was talking to my mom a few ago as she was reading the forums a bit and i told her that its like Will Smith andwhat he had said in The Pursuit of Happyness, "you can pursue it but you will NEVER get it..." how true is that? i've never felt like i told her 100% whole and happy. all i have felt for my teen years so far is sadness, depression, no love (except of course from my LOVING MOTHER and siblings) but life isnt right without a father, i consider it that i've not had a father in 3 years, hes been gone...like on a 3 year 'vacation' sorry to make it so long but thanks...

Ryan.

liesagain

ryan I am soory that your life is so hectic right now, its not fair to you or your mom and family..............at 15 you should have less to worry about, but unfortunately we dont get to pick our families.

You have a bright future in front of you believe it or not............you can make your future anything you want but you have to hold on for a few more years.

Your dad is sick and until he wants help and is ready to get better he wont, no amount of worry will change that...........
but you can change your focus, its hard to put away worry and focus on yourself, but once your learn to do that it gets easier.............
please hold on Ryan, and look forward to a life of your own one where you dont have to deal with these things and try to remembber that you didnt cause it you cant control it ....................

liesagain

And to answer your question .........no this isnt what life is about..............but it is what addiction is about.

Addicts will continue to get worse and worse until they choose to get better...........and its a lifelong journey for them.

Right now all you can do is focus on you!!!
Hows your mom now? Is she ready for help to keep your dad away until hes better?
you said she was reading around on the forums................I hope she comes back and talks to others here, she's the adult and there are some things that she can do to make it easier for all of you until your dad makes the changes............
Ryan have you been able to find alateen in your area? It could be really good for you to talk to some people face to face who understand what your going thru!!

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((RYAN)))))))))))))))))) ))))) hang in there and stick around others will be by with more support

MissesNormalDaD

ah yes he has been in and out of our house for a while, she has kicked him out numerous times and she is doing EVERYTHING to keep her children and herself safe. she goes to alanon meetings everytime she gets a chance, she has a 3 year old and a 1 year old so its kinda difficult for her, but im here to babysit all the time if she needs! also yes i've been to alateen once school starts they host one at our school every monday. i keep in the weightroom pumping iron and playing football. shes doing good now since she got out of the hospital, shes ready to take on anything thats thrown at her i think. shes a very strong willed person, and she is indeed registered on the forums. her name is tiredofthismess i think something like that. she is doing EVERYTHING she can, shes not some mother that lays back and enables anymore shes sticking to what she believes and she isnt letting him take control of her life and im not letting him take control of mine either. Thank you so much for the reply, i think i needed that. one thing that really ticks me off is that he NEVER said sorry to me, but what can i expect? nothing from him....

liesagain

ryan I am glad to hear your mom is getting help for herself and you and your family.......its a tough road but it can get better...............

he never said hes sorry, well you know I have been dealing with this junk with my husband and he would get clean for awhile and then go back and not once did he really say he was sorry.............maybe because he knew he wasnt finished I'm not sure but recently he not only said he was sorry he asked for my forgiveness.................hes finally working his program in a real and sincere way and it shows in his actions and words..........but ya know what? him working a program and getting better wasnt what did it for me............honestly Once I started working on me, long before he was ready to work on himself......once I found a way to accept that he was ill, that his choices hurt him and were not really a reflection of if he loved me or not ...........somehow I found forgiveness and compassion for him under all the hurt and anger, and somehow I began to forgive him before he was even able to ask.................

Because FORGIVENESS is for us, not for them. That sounds strange, but we cant really start to heal or get better until we can somehow forgive them for not being who or what we wanted needed and deserved...............

Keep looking for help and understanding for yourself ryan because you are the only one you can change or fix.................

Keeping you and your mom in my thoughts!!!!!

MissesNormalDaD

Thank you (: like i said i really think i needed to hear this from someone that goes through it also. It makes me feel better somehow. I really do understand but its so hard to forgive him...i feel like he's abandoned me...but i'm going to work on that i really am.

Thank you again!

Ryan.

liesagain

you are welcome ryan, when I first came here it helped so much , long before I was ready to work on me, it helped just knowing that I wasnt alone others knew how I felt. Since in real life........not many people can understand what its like to love an addict much less live with one.........

abandonment is something I think alot of us have to deal with. Its hard to comprehend that someone whos suppose to love us can continue to hurt us and seem to not care at all.................but its part of addiction

liesagain

Theres a book I read called getting them sober...its an old short little book about alcoholics but it helped me alot. Maybe you can find it at your local libary sometime..........

liesagain

Ryan.....its after 1 here and I have to get to sleep............if you need others to talk to tonight try posting in some of the other forums ok? Maybe there will be others on......
keeep checking in ( you know we , people who have addiction in our lives TEND to WORRY alot ) so check in and let us know how you and your family are doing!!!

lil516

Ryan...sorry to hear about the chaos you are going through...I'm glad your mom is getting much needed help and support...(you too)

I am a mom of an addict (and i grew up in an alcoholic home) so I understand how difficult things are for you right now....

it will get better as you learn to detach (with love) from your dad and his problems...

please learn about addiction...it will help you to understand decisions your mom may need to make and it will also help you to recognize behaviors and triggers so you can protect yourself from addiction...

drugs and alcohol cause more problems than they ever solve...

your dad has a tough journey ahead of him....he is responsible for his own journey

your life can be as worthwhile as you let it be
look for ways to support your mom (helping with the young children is wonderful!) but don't try to solve the problems caused by your dad....you can't fix it only he can....

you can take care of yourself and grow to be a caring responsible man one day....

MissesNormalDaD

i will definatley look for that book in the library...thanks again (: have a good night and goodluck with your husband i hope everything goes ok with him and his sobriety, i really hope.

MissesNormalDaD

Well...now i found out my dad, just left to go to our grandparents campground for the weekend. He said he was meeting a friend out there to fish but we just called his friend to see if my dad was with him, because i couldnt get ahold of him on the cell. Of course, where is his friend? haha at Las Vegas, so my dad lies 2 times to his own parents, 1 that I supposedly "didnt want to go fisshing" with him in Bemidji, when no...he never even asked me. i just found out he was going TODAY after talking to my grandpa. 2 he lied about him going to bemidji with his friend. hes been looking up Northern Hospitals on the internet, more then likely because he is going there to get some Lortab/Oxycodone because he can't get any here for the fact that everyone knows that he is an addict/alcoholic. Whatever im officially ticked off. It will be nice though that he will be drinking down there, and not up here! Somehow find the positives within the negetives :-\.

Ryan.

Live

Hi, Ryan!

I remember you. You are an amazing young man! And your mama is very special.

It sure sounds like dad has gotten alot worse.

I am so glad that you are getting to play football and that you have those Monday meetings.
I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this. It isn't normal and it IS very damaging to all of you. Please keep yourself safe,k?

MissesNormalDaD

Thank you live, so much. Well alot has happened today, my dad just got BACK from the camper and we figured out that ...more then likely he has cheated on my mom with an ex-co worker because alot of ironic things happened between the 2 of them today (i.e. both cell phones turned off, both gone "fishing", both called our Home about 5 minutes apart) its so sickening, my mom just ran up to the store to get some dinner and i thought i'd post again. He just...doesnt care about any of us anymore. He doesnt say "hey ryan i love you" or anything like that. He always asks that co-workers 21 year old son to come over and help him with working on the car. My mom is so mad at him, as am I. We can't help but be mad towards him...something like that is hard to forgive...

Wascally Wabbit

Ryan, I am so sorry you have to go through all this chaos.
Im sure you know by now that you can't do anything about his addictions.
Have you been to alanon meetings, Ryan? Truly the best thing that happened to me was learning how to live THROUGH the chaos, not in it.
I hope things will get better for you soon. You sound like a strong person.

Lovestoomuch

((Ryan))

I'm so sorry you and your mother are going through this. I sort of know how you're feeling. My father bailed out on me when I was 5.....only he wasn't a drug addict. He was a school teacher of all things. The yearning to hear "I love you" never left me.

Active addicts are VERY selfish.......thinking of nobody but themselves. It boggles the minds of us who aren't on any substances. I remember asking my ex-boyfriend all sorts of questions and his only reply to me was "I don't know". It's very frustrating and very heart wrenching to say the least.

Your mother is a very lucky woman to have a son like you by her side. I'll be saying a special prayer for you both tonight.

Live

That's heartbreaking, Ryan. I am sort of speechless. It happens, I know it happens, it happened to me too, but not under your circumstances. I am just so sorry that this is happening to you and your family.
I'll bet it feels good to be in football right now?

hope213

ryan, welcome to S.R. i have not met you. i am so glad you are here. you are a fine young man & i know your mom is proud of u. i am proud of you that you are reaching out instead of following the footsteps. i am sorry u do not have the dad in your life that you want. your young age is very short but you have a life of your on to live. try to keep the focus off your dad & on yourself. hands off the addict because there is nothing u can do to stop him from drinking or drugging. it is not your problem. you did not CAUSE it,(drinking/drugging) you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE it.keep the focus on the good things in life.life is not suppose to be like this but there are so many of people that are in the same boat you are. my addict is my son.he started with alcohol at 17 & by 23 he was on crack & still is at 36.your recovery is important in order for you to be happy.keep working at it. i am glad your mom is in recovery. with both of your working together you will be fine.i am happy you have your school & your sports to keep you busy. keep coming back & let us know how u r doing. it does not help you to check up on your dad. he loves you very much but right now all he can do is love his alcohol & drugs. i hope he finds his way soon. my prayers for you,your mom & your dad too. hugs, hope

fallingslowly

It is hard to imagine someone so young going through what you are going through. I am sorry. I want you to know that this is not what a father is supposed to look like. It is an unsettling feeling to think that your dad... the one who is supposed to be your hero, your confidant, the one who cares about you no matter what... can be someone you hardly even know. Unfortunately, I know this story all too well and I cannot provide you an accurate picture of what a father is supposed to look like either. That maybe something that you have to figure out and decide for yourself. It seems like anyone who can get through what you are going through can be the kind of father that you wish yours was.

Thinking of you and your mom but especially your dad...

MissesNormalDaD

Thank you everyone, just a quick update, my mom just left to go over to his mom and dad's house (where my dad is staying now) and my grandparents are gone. so i'm really worried about her, its only a mile or 2 away but i just have a sick feeling in my stomach. because its been almost 10 minutes since she left. i would have thougght she would have been home by now