need advice dealing with daughter
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Portland Oregon
Posts: 3
need advice dealing with daughter
I have a 30 year old daughter who had a year long meth addiction several years ago. She was formerly a high achiever, good childhood, college degree, nice hubby and a young daughter. She had a great career going, then started writing to convicts, and she changed. She ended up taking off with a con she met, got immediately addicted, lost everything in a matter of weeks, is now HIV, a felon on probation, was in abusive violent relationship with him, has no employment and a new child. She seems to be intent on having friends and men who are society's losers, trying to suck support from the system or people she connects with. She is more like a street person with totally different morals, always trying to think of ways to cheat her way thru her life or trying to scam her way.
She appears to be rehabilitating and hasn't used for 2 years...I think. My problem is she will be starting meds soon for HIV, needs to live with another adult and everyone she knows is in jail or has stolen her car and left. The plan is to move in with me, as she has no way to live on her 'own' anymore, and needs assistance with her health issues.
I want to help, but I think she is a manipulator and liar, and uses me and everyone else she can. I think she may be a sociopath. Nevermind the guilt and distress I always feel about this situation, I don't know how to deal with her. I am trying to help, but she is sucking me dry, I have even been paying her restitution payments to keep her out of jail. All mostly for the younger child, who I would have to take care of if she was incarcerated, and I am low income and not in good enough health. I know she makes up stories to get cash from me. Can anyone tell me how I should react to her lies and duplicity? Should I continue to play like I believe, to avoid histrionic fights? Should I let her move in with me or let her fend for herself? Should I let her know I don't believe her stories? Should I confront her when I discover untruths? I don't want to be co-dependent, but I don't want to do anything that will push her off the deep end again. And there is the child to think of. I am just about all she has left.
I need advice, or suggestions of where to get advice on dealing with her, and will appreciate any help
She appears to be rehabilitating and hasn't used for 2 years...I think. My problem is she will be starting meds soon for HIV, needs to live with another adult and everyone she knows is in jail or has stolen her car and left. The plan is to move in with me, as she has no way to live on her 'own' anymore, and needs assistance with her health issues.
I want to help, but I think she is a manipulator and liar, and uses me and everyone else she can. I think she may be a sociopath. Nevermind the guilt and distress I always feel about this situation, I don't know how to deal with her. I am trying to help, but she is sucking me dry, I have even been paying her restitution payments to keep her out of jail. All mostly for the younger child, who I would have to take care of if she was incarcerated, and I am low income and not in good enough health. I know she makes up stories to get cash from me. Can anyone tell me how I should react to her lies and duplicity? Should I continue to play like I believe, to avoid histrionic fights? Should I let her move in with me or let her fend for herself? Should I let her know I don't believe her stories? Should I confront her when I discover untruths? I don't want to be co-dependent, but I don't want to do anything that will push her off the deep end again. And there is the child to think of. I am just about all she has left.
I need advice, or suggestions of where to get advice on dealing with her, and will appreciate any help
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
glad you found us, rosyred. it sounds like you love your daughter very much. it's a shame that she is so affected by addiction. it's a tough disease. you can't control or fix it - only she can do that..
are you going to alanon or getting any other support?
keep posting, k
are you going to alanon or getting any other support?
keep posting, k
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Portland Oregon
Posts: 3
thanks for reply
No, this is my first attempt at outside help. I don't get out much, no car and bad knees!
Me and her Father, who is devastated by all this, and my daughter's step mother talk constantly, but we all are confused and feel helpless. We don't know what happened to start all of this, and have no clue how to deal with her. we don't think she is actively using now, but the effects of the meth or some personality disorder seems to have changed her entire personality. We don't know what constitutes 'family support' or
'enabling'. I am hoping someone here with similar experience can help.
Me and her Father, who is devastated by all this, and my daughter's step mother talk constantly, but we all are confused and feel helpless. We don't know what happened to start all of this, and have no clue how to deal with her. we don't think she is actively using now, but the effects of the meth or some personality disorder seems to have changed her entire personality. We don't know what constitutes 'family support' or
'enabling'. I am hoping someone here with similar experience can help.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
Have her check w/ the AIds clinic where she sees her MD and gets the meds. They will have a list of help, group meetings, recovery home, nursing homes, etc. I know in Dallas the county hospital is the first stop. There is plent of government subsidized help out there, she will just need to access it.
prayers,
susan
prayers,
susan
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Up North
Posts: 105
((((RosyRed)))))
Keep coming back, Keep it simple and Keep your chin up.
I feel bad for all oft this turmoil that you are going through.
Get your daughter hooked up with Community Resources.
That way you have space and she does too.
We are responsible to give our children roots and wings.
Stay strong RosyRed and Keep coming back. WE learn how to live in the solution.
Keep coming back, Keep it simple and Keep your chin up.
I feel bad for all oft this turmoil that you are going through.
Get your daughter hooked up with Community Resources.
That way you have space and she does too.
We are responsible to give our children roots and wings.
Stay strong RosyRed and Keep coming back. WE learn how to live in the solution.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. i am glad you found us. there is alot of caring people here that can help you walk thru this. my son is the addict in my life & it is a long, hard road.here we find recovery for ourselves. i hope your daughter is clean & will stay that way. the lies,cheating,stealing all of that comes from addiction. that can change if she gets a program in her life & wants to change.is she going to any n.a. meetings? i am sorry she is sick. the are different kinds of help for hiv patients. try your local health dept. to start with or maybe social services. both places can help with her medical & tell you of other sources of help for her.please keep coming back & let us know how you are doing & your daughter too. prayers for you, your family &your daughter.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Oh rosyred, you have a an awful lot on your plate.
The first thing I would do is RUN to the nearest alanon meeting. Run as fast as you can. I promise you will get support from others in person, who have similar problems.
You will have people you can call when you need to talk and you will make very dear friends.
I am sorry your daughter has chosen this road, but keep in mind she and only she can choose to recover from drugs.
Have you talked to a social service worker? With her HIV, surely there is help available. Call them. At least they could direct you to something that could help her. Maybe seperate living quarters are available and she could get assistance with that.
I will pray for you and for her this evening. For peace in your soul, and for healing for her.
Take care and come back.
The first thing I would do is RUN to the nearest alanon meeting. Run as fast as you can. I promise you will get support from others in person, who have similar problems.
You will have people you can call when you need to talk and you will make very dear friends.
I am sorry your daughter has chosen this road, but keep in mind she and only she can choose to recover from drugs.
Have you talked to a social service worker? With her HIV, surely there is help available. Call them. At least they could direct you to something that could help her. Maybe seperate living quarters are available and she could get assistance with that.
I will pray for you and for her this evening. For peace in your soul, and for healing for her.
Take care and come back.
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
Welcome to SR. I, too, am the mother of a 26 yr old addict daughter. I want to just say, if you are contemplating taking her in, are you willing to give up your own life in the process? I ask you that because that is what it might take.
It seems very unfair and way too much to ask of you. I know this is your daughter but in time, resentment will breed hate and the whole relationship will deteriorate, if there is even a firm basis already.
You did NOT do this or cause this and you should not be expected to put your own life on hold or give it up. I agree that you should talk to a counselor and find a place where she can go. I know how awful it is to watch your own child destroy herself but believe me, I could NOT have a front row seat to it.
Please reconsider and think long and hard about this. You cannot "fix" her or help her. I know you have to do what you feel is the best but please think of the consequences before you consent. That is all I ask. And please try to get to a face to face meeting. I think you could use it.
Lots of hugs and prayers.
It seems very unfair and way too much to ask of you. I know this is your daughter but in time, resentment will breed hate and the whole relationship will deteriorate, if there is even a firm basis already.
You did NOT do this or cause this and you should not be expected to put your own life on hold or give it up. I agree that you should talk to a counselor and find a place where she can go. I know how awful it is to watch your own child destroy herself but believe me, I could NOT have a front row seat to it.
Please reconsider and think long and hard about this. You cannot "fix" her or help her. I know you have to do what you feel is the best but please think of the consequences before you consent. That is all I ask. And please try to get to a face to face meeting. I think you could use it.
Lots of hugs and prayers.
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