I really want to do something
remember to breathe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
I really want to do something
I have read all sorts of addict stories so I'm gonna add alittle twist. (I think it's a twist lol)
My "as" doesn't get angry, infact he just gets depressed because he says he doesn't want to do heroin. He mopes around until he finally relapses. then he just gets more depressed. He still working and still will not go to meetings (I don't know why)
He's very respectful, helps around the house, plays with his nephews. Not one bad thing to say about him other than he relapses. I know "hands off the addict" but really, how many relapses are part of recovery? I don't have to give him money, he has his own, He doesn't argue with anyone in fact he he'll go out of his way to help. I don't know how to help ,that is if I can. I can tell he's genuine, he wants to be sober (all the time) I also know meetings are important (I don't know why he doesn't know this after all the darn rehabs) so my big question is, do I sit back or can I push just alittle, about the meetings anyway.
My "as" doesn't get angry, infact he just gets depressed because he says he doesn't want to do heroin. He mopes around until he finally relapses. then he just gets more depressed. He still working and still will not go to meetings (I don't know why)
He's very respectful, helps around the house, plays with his nephews. Not one bad thing to say about him other than he relapses. I know "hands off the addict" but really, how many relapses are part of recovery? I don't have to give him money, he has his own, He doesn't argue with anyone in fact he he'll go out of his way to help. I don't know how to help ,that is if I can. I can tell he's genuine, he wants to be sober (all the time) I also know meetings are important (I don't know why he doesn't know this after all the darn rehabs) so my big question is, do I sit back or can I push just alittle, about the meetings anyway.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Tell him you love him and that you are proud of him that he keeps trying. Other than that hands off. Addicts use all kinds of means to try to stay clean. If he keeps relapsing and really wants to get clean, he will realize that maybe his way is not working and will try something different. Maybe the next time just remind him that "nothing changes if nothing changes". Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Hey I had another thought. If he is still living at home, you could either suggest it is time to find his own place or pay you rent. Less money for drugs and he might have a bit more incentive to not relapse if he knows that he has to pay his own way. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Falling Waters, WV
Posts: 150
So...you are saying he isn't a distructive addict he is a constructive addict and because he is still working and still maintains a "close" to normal lifestyle that he doesn't think he needs help. Maybe sharing this store that was told to me years ago by a friend. A family of 4, husband, wife and 2 daughters (one of age 21 and one slightly younger) was faced with termoil do to some unhealthy and illigal decissions they had made. The mom and dad were the drug dealer for the oldest daughter. They stated they gave her the drugs to do because it calmed her down, mellowed her out and made her a nicer person (what ever that means). Well, while on drugs, the daughter got behind the wheel of a vehicle and killed a little boy. She was charged with vehicular homocide and is serving a 25 year sentence.
Just because they act "okay" when they using, doesn't mean that it should be condoned. By the sounds of it, this person loves children and I would hate to see something like this happen to him.
Just thought I would share.
Just because they act "okay" when they using, doesn't mean that it should be condoned. By the sounds of it, this person loves children and I would hate to see something like this happen to him.
Just thought I would share.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
My daughter's doc was heroin and when she was trying to get off it she substituted crack. I remember thinking that crack was when she really hit the lowest...it made her so unlike the child I knew...she was filled with hatred, paranoia and other less than desirable things. Heroin on the other hand made her mellow and she had this aura of what I can only describe as a false pleasantness. So I can understand what you mean that he is not a mean addict.
My daughter progressed in her addiction...she could still be falsely pleasant but she stole some of the the savings bonds that were to fund her college tuition. She needed more not to be drug sick and it soon became more expensive than her income. My greatest fear was that she would use then have the nods and kill someone while she was driving. I had to give that to my HP, because I could not control her 24-7 and make sure she did not drive. I knew she knew of all the dangers, so me telling her again would serve no purpose. She would also become despondent...knowing she was going down a path she did not want, but being drug sick if she tried to stop. I think that using became a way to block out the despair. She struggled for months trying to break free from heroin...Rehabs, meetings...clean time then going back out, getting back up. I think she just could not totally surrender to the idea that she was an addict and that the only way to regain control was to truly, one day at a time, choose to be clean and sober.
One thing I did learn from all of her struggles, was that it was her journey...I could not control her recovery any more than I could control her addiction. I finally went from asking about meetings to only leaving print outs of meeting schedules to not asking at all. It was hard, but I needed to do that for me and for her. It helped me to think about how I would feel if someone nagged me, no matter how well meaning, about some character defect I had that I was trying to improve.
When I took the focus off of her recovery and put it completely on mine, that helped both of us and improved our relationship tenfold. I went to my meetings and I know she noticed the difference they made in me. Perhaps that gave her courage to keep trying meetings even when she kept relapsing...I'll never know.
I'm rambling...I just related to what you said I guess. I think Marle said it quite well...perhaps the best thing you can do is tell him you love him and are so glad he keeps trying and make him accountable for his own stuff. He has the tools and although he isn't going to meetings, maybe he will or maybe he will find another way to work recovery that works for him. How many times will he stumble? No answer to that, unfortunately...sometimes the miracle happens when we least expect it. I'm grateful that today you are not experiencing the horrors of how addiction affects many and that he does keep trying every time he slips. Prayers that he continues to do so.
My daughter progressed in her addiction...she could still be falsely pleasant but she stole some of the the savings bonds that were to fund her college tuition. She needed more not to be drug sick and it soon became more expensive than her income. My greatest fear was that she would use then have the nods and kill someone while she was driving. I had to give that to my HP, because I could not control her 24-7 and make sure she did not drive. I knew she knew of all the dangers, so me telling her again would serve no purpose. She would also become despondent...knowing she was going down a path she did not want, but being drug sick if she tried to stop. I think that using became a way to block out the despair. She struggled for months trying to break free from heroin...Rehabs, meetings...clean time then going back out, getting back up. I think she just could not totally surrender to the idea that she was an addict and that the only way to regain control was to truly, one day at a time, choose to be clean and sober.
One thing I did learn from all of her struggles, was that it was her journey...I could not control her recovery any more than I could control her addiction. I finally went from asking about meetings to only leaving print outs of meeting schedules to not asking at all. It was hard, but I needed to do that for me and for her. It helped me to think about how I would feel if someone nagged me, no matter how well meaning, about some character defect I had that I was trying to improve.
When I took the focus off of her recovery and put it completely on mine, that helped both of us and improved our relationship tenfold. I went to my meetings and I know she noticed the difference they made in me. Perhaps that gave her courage to keep trying meetings even when she kept relapsing...I'll never know.
I'm rambling...I just related to what you said I guess. I think Marle said it quite well...perhaps the best thing you can do is tell him you love him and are so glad he keeps trying and make him accountable for his own stuff. He has the tools and although he isn't going to meetings, maybe he will or maybe he will find another way to work recovery that works for him. How many times will he stumble? No answer to that, unfortunately...sometimes the miracle happens when we least expect it. I'm grateful that today you are not experiencing the horrors of how addiction affects many and that he does keep trying every time he slips. Prayers that he continues to do so.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Is there anyone who would take him on a camping trip or something like that to get him away for a few days? Fishing always seems to calm my soul.
Do you have a church or anything that might step up and help out with showing him how great life can be?
Just some ideas.
Do you have a church or anything that might step up and help out with showing him how great life can be?
Just some ideas.
remember to breathe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
Trish, first off let me say that I am by no means condoning his choice, my question was to the experienced people here on how much can I help without doing more harm than good. I have learned so much here but still need the encouragement on becoming better.
thanks to all of you for some really good advice (again) He actually said today that he's going to a meeting. (thank God) I have a cousin who is 8 yrs clean that he called of course I don't know what for but it has to be a good sign.
thank you thank you thank you for always being here
thanks to all of you for some really good advice (again) He actually said today that he's going to a meeting. (thank God) I have a cousin who is 8 yrs clean that he called of course I don't know what for but it has to be a good sign.
thank you thank you thank you for always being here
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i am a firm believer in meetings & a program in there life.if he would get involved he may find a spot & a sponsor who could help him out of the depresion. i am really glad he called his cousin. let us know how it goes & if he goes. my prayers, hope
remember to breathe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
well, we had a very nice labor day BBQ and he actually sat with us all for awhile. he's gone to one meeting so far, He likes the wednesday night meetings.(I didn't ask why quite frankly I don't care why lol) so tonight, hopefully he'll open up at the meeting and find another one he likes for a different night.
Wabbit.. he just started an apprentiship in february and doesn't have any time off yet so he's not able to go away. (he works overtime on saturdays so that only leaves sunday off)
Wabbit.. he just started an apprentiship in february and doesn't have any time off yet so he's not able to go away. (he works overtime on saturdays so that only leaves sunday off)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: on the lake
Posts: 335
When I let my AS come home one of the times and I can't remember which, one of our boundaries was he had to attend at least two meetings a week. It didn't work of course, he ended up leaving our house again. Now he is in Nashville and says hes clean, says hes attending and so far is keeping his job. I know for him meetings are an absolute must, he's never been able to stay clean on his on. Yours maybe different. Your are lucky that you don't have to put up with typical addict behavior, his behavior sounds different than almost every addict Ive ever heard of. I can't remember but it seems that when I posted on here about my meeting boundary, the replies were mixed, but Ive always thought any boundary I could set and stick to were OK. Sticking to it being the key word. I did find it was a little hard to enforce since I really never knew for sure he was at a meeting, did I?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Delaware
Posts: 201
I am probably going to step into it here but here goes,
You P. U. S. H Rahsue. You Pray Until Something Happens. You keep PUSHing every time he relapses. Because when we try to fix it and smooth it out guess what... we mess it all up. You have to sit on those mom hands and PUSH. You can not force him to do what you want but you can start making things at home a little less comfortable. Believe me I know the “nice, calm, sad, depressed addict.” Breaks your heart when they relapse. I would feel like a suck egg dog because I was angry at mine while he cried me a river or regrets.
But, then I learned …you have to decide what is best for you. This is not working for you or him. “nothing changes if nothing changes .” How old is your son? Does he work full time? If he is over 18 working full time isn’t time he start contributing to the house he stays at? No, we can not force them to stay clean but we owe it to ourselves and them and not continue to allow them to be so comfortable in doing it over and over again. We need to step up and be parents. Say look DS I love you to death and my heart bleeds for you but enough is enough. First he needs to see a doctor for his depression. You should encourage him to come clean with the doctor about his addiction. Then tell him , you can either get to the meetings, go in a program or find some other door to step on. Love you to death DS but this is quite enough. Then sit down and PUSH. PUSH hard. If he is serious about not wanting to relapse he will do as you asked and may even ask you where to start so he can move forward. If not that is the answer. I always found in my dealings with my addicts… you find out how much help they really want when you say NO. You find out how serious they are when you stand your ground and say no. Congrats on him getting to a meeting. That is a great step. But he has to get to another. I suggest it becomes a part of his plan to stay clean. He incorporate it some how in his life and go again. Maybe it becomes a condition on his living arrangements?
My heart goes out to you. I know exactly where you are. It is very hard. There are no right or wrong answers. You do what is best for you. Whatever you decide we are all with you.
((((Rahsue))))
-Broken
You P. U. S. H Rahsue. You Pray Until Something Happens. You keep PUSHing every time he relapses. Because when we try to fix it and smooth it out guess what... we mess it all up. You have to sit on those mom hands and PUSH. You can not force him to do what you want but you can start making things at home a little less comfortable. Believe me I know the “nice, calm, sad, depressed addict.” Breaks your heart when they relapse. I would feel like a suck egg dog because I was angry at mine while he cried me a river or regrets.
But, then I learned …you have to decide what is best for you. This is not working for you or him. “nothing changes if nothing changes .” How old is your son? Does he work full time? If he is over 18 working full time isn’t time he start contributing to the house he stays at? No, we can not force them to stay clean but we owe it to ourselves and them and not continue to allow them to be so comfortable in doing it over and over again. We need to step up and be parents. Say look DS I love you to death and my heart bleeds for you but enough is enough. First he needs to see a doctor for his depression. You should encourage him to come clean with the doctor about his addiction. Then tell him , you can either get to the meetings, go in a program or find some other door to step on. Love you to death DS but this is quite enough. Then sit down and PUSH. PUSH hard. If he is serious about not wanting to relapse he will do as you asked and may even ask you where to start so he can move forward. If not that is the answer. I always found in my dealings with my addicts… you find out how much help they really want when you say NO. You find out how serious they are when you stand your ground and say no. Congrats on him getting to a meeting. That is a great step. But he has to get to another. I suggest it becomes a part of his plan to stay clean. He incorporate it some how in his life and go again. Maybe it becomes a condition on his living arrangements?
My heart goes out to you. I know exactly where you are. It is very hard. There are no right or wrong answers. You do what is best for you. Whatever you decide we are all with you.
((((Rahsue))))
-Broken
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
There was a time when all I could do was repeat the Mom Mantra: "I love you so much, you're so smart, and I know you're going to find your way."
And my dear angel sponsor would tell me, "don't just DO something, SIT there." It was my job to sit with my feelings of frustration and fear, to acknowledge them and accept them. It wasn't my job to help my A make choices so that I would feel better.
Being a mom is much harder than it looks. This is NOT a job for weenies.
hugs from Mom to Mom,
Cats
And my dear angel sponsor would tell me, "don't just DO something, SIT there." It was my job to sit with my feelings of frustration and fear, to acknowledge them and accept them. It wasn't my job to help my A make choices so that I would feel better.
Being a mom is much harder than it looks. This is NOT a job for weenies.
hugs from Mom to Mom,
Cats
remember to breathe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
Originally Posted by BrokenBridges24 
How old is your son? Does he work full time? If he is over 18 working full time isn’t time he start contributing to the house he stays at? -Broken
thanks again everyone for listening and giving such good advice and most grateful advice.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: At the zoo
Posts: 244
While in rehab and detox this last time, AD 21, was put on meds for depression and some type of bi polar meds. By treating her depression with both meds, she has really not had a hard time staying clean. I wondered about the meds in the beginning but they seem to have helped a lot. Could you have him checked for depression? I'm not a big fan of meds to stay clean, but if the depression is causing him to relapse maybe it should be looked into. My experience only.
remember to breathe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
good idea blue... he has a doctors appointment next wednesday and I'm going to "suggest" to him to let her know about depression.
He went to the meeting last night and I asked him if he tried to interact (something he doesn't do) and he said yes, asked the speaker questions, well!!! am I shocked. I had said to him that sharing his thoughts sometimes is very helpful. Better days ahead!!!!????!!!!!
thank you:
c016:
He went to the meeting last night and I asked him if he tried to interact (something he doesn't do) and he said yes, asked the speaker questions, well!!! am I shocked. I had said to him that sharing his thoughts sometimes is very helpful. Better days ahead!!!!????!!!!!
thank you:
c016:
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
