Momsrainbow

I have posted-got good response-heartfuet from everyone. Like many other SR has save my life and what little mind I had left.AH called again tonight-same old BS-new version. I know set the boundies? Not a heart felt moment about him-nothing left. Simply, disgust is the only way to try to expalin it. He is playing mind games-stupid country (f-------) This last 5 days has been total h---. Like the moms always have a "feeling", since I met AH-I had that feeling-only once was I wrong. Guess I am not as recovery as I thought-too old for his mind games. Guess who just walked in the door-AH-another thing-should have locked it. I guess I am a gluton for punishment? I think I am strong-calm and cool-hopefully face to face we can end it all. A divorce was never an option for me-I WANT ONE ONE NOW!!!!! SOB acta like nothing ever happened in the last few months. I am going to tell him-one more time and the last-get **** sorry ass back on down the roaD!!!!!! I apologise for being an idiot. Doing the best I can do!!!!!

greeteachday

It's hard to keep up with all the manipulation an addict will throw your way, so don't beat yourself up for being a step behind him. Lots of nerve acting like nothing has changed, but you sound strong and are seeing clearly. I'm sorry there has to be more drama in your life, but hopefully you can now get past it and get him out of your hair. Hang in there and remember we are walking with you.

Ann

Sometimes we just have to get angry to say "enough" and "no more".

Through your anger I can hear your recovery at work, and taking care of yourself is the biggest step.

You're not an idiot, you love someone who had been consumed by his addiction and that can make us do and think crazy things, but we're not crazy, we're codependent.

Sending big hugs because you sound like you could use them

Hugs

yourgirl

Dear Momsrainbow
I can only speak for myself but it seems as if for me the last time I got really angry was the beginning of the end. I remember driving with my mom in the car and extremely upset over something AH had done to me. I really was a sight. I was screaming I swear if I had a butcher knife in my hand I'd stab him 20 times. The anger was very extreme, lasted only a few minutes and actually immediately after my mom and I laughed hysterically. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I needed to get angry first before I could find the calmness of my situation . I believe you are almost there and just trust everything will be okay. Good things do happen when you start living your own life and let the AH live his.My prayers are with you.

hope213

you will get there & you sound as if you have almost got it. addicts have the nerve of steel to do whatever they want & expect us to keep on taking it. you are going to be ok. he will get it that you are done real soon.hugs,hope

caileesnana

You know what you are doing and seem to be making progess, mentally. You are in my prayers,
susan

CatsPajamas

(( MR ))

You're doing well. One day at a time, remember.... after awhile you can look back and see how much your life improved and changed. Sometimes you can't see it when you're trudging along.


It helped me to change my focus a bit. I decided that I wanted to be happy, healthy and whole. I wanted a life that had lot more joy and a lot less sorrow. This was a change from me just wanting HIM to change, or wanting HIM to be gone so I could be happy. I made it about what kind of life I wanted, regardless of whether or not HE was in it.

HUGS.

Cats

rahsue

I'm sorry things have gotten so bad for you, but you sound like you're on your way to a new life. It's hard, these mind games, they make you feel like you're going crazy don't they? You just keep up the good work and things will be ok.
good luck

ladyjane

Your doing great with your recovery, MR. Keep up the good work!!!
_______________
Trish

Elana

showing him the door and the curb is what you are doing.

You can, in NY, file for a separation prior to divorce. This gives you certain rights (like him not living with you or walking into your house). It can make the divorce automatic after 1 year as well.

Your State may be different.

Momsrainbow

Still think I am ok(75%). He showed up twice today. First to get his teeth he left in the bathroom last night when the dogs turned on him. Then back again-sat down and cried...All my fault-even God could not live with me for 4 hrs.-I bring up the past(his past is happening again-the present) Says he has done nothing since getting out of prison but good and is trying? Says he never knew how to pay bills-asked about all his bills-told him and did tell him. Said he may move about 300 miles from here-hates this tiny town-he is being harrassed. As you know-I have not contacted the police in a while. But it does appear that the town, county and state are going to scare him or jail him, maybe the system is working? Yes, I did call my attorney-papers are being filed. AH turned me to mush-maybe I was pushing too hard for instant recovery. Back to the backsteps. Dogs were ok when he showed up-just got around me and looked at him. He called them and they did not move from me. Good dogs. Hoping for a better day, only I can make it to be better. Thanks all.

marteen

You are doing great.
Believe me, most of us who have been down this road for a long time, have a lot of footprints and tire marks imprinted on us! And we have felt like fools many times. It's part of the learning and recovery process. You learn as you go; through time, patience, experience and tools.

You are at a wonderful site to give you information, advice and mostly, support.

Lobo

Moms,
Sounds like you have a good handle on things. It isn't easy to let go of someone you love but I can see you are working toward that.

Hugs coming your way...........Lo

Wascally Wabbit

I think you don't give your self credit for being a lot stronger than you think you are. You are coming to a turning point. When you are ready you'll do what you need to do to regain your sanity. You're stong and your're not living in denial. That's a huge step.
cece is right. We all get caught up in this manipulation with the addict. It turns our life upside down. But, eventualy we aren't fooled any more.

Hangin' In

Don't beat yourself up. Just pick yourself up, brush yourself off and get back on that recovery wagon. We all fall off from time to time. The trick is REALIZING it and getting back on the right track. You're on your way...I just know you are.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

Momsrainbow

Have not had the boohoos since I found this site. Now more crying-and it feels good. So much support and help here. I feel like you are all friends/family-been there, done that and are still recovering and guiding me in the right direction. AH just called again-who would have thought? He was crying(at 48yrs), he has not asked for anything? He knows I am done! Is it a cry for help on his part or playing mind games with me? Yes, I understand detach, but just cannot do that as yet. Maybe tomorrow. ???

greeteachday

We can only do what we can...it doesn't all happen overnight. You are doing fine and I am glad the tears could flow a bit...that's is healing, I think. I found that at first I was really numb, but as I inched my way through recovery, i started defrosting and feeling my emotions. I'm sorry it is tough, but I know you are on the right path. Be kind to yourself. Hugs.

Hangin' In

Moms,

I'm just going to be gut honest with you. Nothing about recovery is fast. Takes time, but I think that is because our HP knows we can't handle it all at once. Remember, progress, not perfection. It's a journey and, like greet said, you're on the right path.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

Elana

You AH is acting like all addicts do.. remorseful when all of a sudden things turn sour for them. The PROBLEM is that the remorse is often crocodile tears and as soon as they get back in our good graces they go right back to the old song.. Lies, cheating, Using drugs, manipulation, using us.. the list is endless.

We often fall for the remorse.. some of us over and over again. I was one who did not do that (hit the replay button over and over), but I could have and would have.

The point is that only you will know when the replay button is broken and the Addict's rtears and false remorse no longer work.

Momsrainbow

Tons of well needed rest. No calls from him and he has not been here. No way will he ever get back in my good graces! Never manipulate me-not ever. Right now he is so far down-he is about to hit rock bottom. Get help from somewhere or will go back to prison. Just sitting here, having patience and wait for a phone call from the hospital or police. I have simply reached my limit of this madness. I know-my mistake was getting in the truck with him-he wanted to talk and darn-I needed to get out of the house(after 4-5 months) very hard living in a rural area-with no means of transportation. No an excuse for being stupid. I will "RECOVER"!!!!! Slowly but surely!!!!