sunkensky

I am not in recovery, and I don't think I want to be/am ready to be/need to be yet. Alcohol and pills are basically the only thing in my life that make me feel good, and there isn't much sight of that changing. I guess I am just at a loss for what to do. I feel like all of my relationships are false and meaningless, and that I am false and meaningless too. I don't know what I am, I can't even decide from one minute to the next if I have a problem or am just fitting into the role someone has set up for me, labeling me such. I just feel alone and lonely and ashamed for being so emotionally needy, but even worse that nobody really cares, and that's probably my fault for being so distant.

Everyone comes to me with their stuff. And I sit there and am filled with other people's sorrow until I can't even find myself. But I express any sort of emotion that isn't related to being someone's pet counselor and it freaks them out. Have a drink? ok.

Pilgrim

I would still be drinking too if it still made me feel good.

I find myself when I help others these days.

Rusty Zipper

sunken i felt like that some time back...

until the day came when i was exausted doing it, and came to the big wakeup call...

that it was no kind of life...

were ready when were ready...

good wishes sunk

xxoo, rz

juliee

Hi Sun,
I can sooo relate. I am the "go to" person for EVERYONE. Be it advice, help moving, cheering up, you name it & they came to me. I didn't share, really share, myself with anyone. Like you, the minute I tried to open up the conversation was over. That's not what anyone was there for. I'm not sure how my life has gotten to this point...I think most of my intentions were (are) good, I really want to be of help. But, at some point I think pride came into play a little too much and I wouldn't expose my weaknesses and vulnerablities. I don't want to ever stop helping I just need to find a balance and make sure I am helped as well. That's a work in progress....didn't happen over night and won't get fixed over night. I do try to choose people I know love me and ask them to please stop and listen for a minute I need some advice/help here.(Make no mistake-I can count on one hand the times I have actually been able to do this...very hard) They usually if not always will then recognize their mistake and listen. Now it's up to me to quit being soo darn proud (false-pride) and let people in. I truly wish you well. I know you can do it! Julie

Anna

In my opinion, if drugs and alcohol are the only things that make you feel good, then you have a problem. Searching for love and acceptance and happiness anywhere outside of yourself won't work. It's something you need to find within yourself. What are the things you like about yourself?

sunkensky

Well it definitely doesn't feel as good as it used to, and neither does helping people anymore. I do it, but I'm almost resentful about it.

Thanks for your response.

sunkensky

Thank you.

sunkensky

That gave me a lot to think about as I've never thought of myself as prideful at all. I believe the people in my life love me, I have to just keep reminding myself, so...Thanks.

sunkensky

I like that I usually genuinely care about people and try to make things better for people. But I also sort of see it as weakness.

Not much else is great. I'm not in a good place.

Thank you all for your comments. I tried to delete this thread a few times, but there are blocks, and so I was just going to avoid it, but it's probably best it stayed up and I got some perspective.

parentrecovers

recovery is possible, sunkensky. glad you posted this thread, and didn't delete it.

hugs out, k

Missymae737

Hello Sunkensky,

It sounds like you are caught between using mind altering substances and recovery...You don't sound happy with your life as is...

You may want to ask yourself, "Have I had enough pain?"

Recovery is possible, and with rcovery comes understanding addiction, peace, self esteem, and true friends who understand you and support you.

Keep posting, Thinking of you...

Tazman53

It was one thing for me to know I had a problem, I knew I had a problem for years, I was pig headed & self centered though, I was still feeling good from my problem so I did not give a damn about anyone else I was hurting, nor myself really.

I was willing to hurt everyone around me for my own self centered pleasure until one day I woke up and realized the thrill and joy was gone, I was hurting, I hated what I had become, I wanted to stop, but it was to late, I had crossed that invisible line in alcoholism from a mental obsession to a physical requirement to just feel normal, then I crossed another line where there was not enough to even feel normal.

Some of us are capable of using our brains to find our bottoms, I was not that bright, I had to have alcohol body slam me, I had to be beaten to a pulp, I had to surrender to alcohol long before I surrendered to recovery.

Jersey Nonny

Hmmmn...

Quote:

I am not in recovery, and I don't think I want to be/am ready to be/need to be yet.

If all that is honest and true, then why in the world would you be reading/posting in a SoberRecovery site? My feeling is that you are looking for answers...please keep taking part in the discussions here...I pray you will find the serenity you're seeking.

Alive

Your path is your path, and everybody has their own approach to recovery, but we are here to prove it is possible to come out of a completely hopeless situation and not just survive, but actually thrive, like somebody said to me...

much hope to you man!

keep posting!

WantsOut

We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats' feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar


Shape without form, shade without colour,
Paralysed force, gesture without motion;


Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom
Remember us -- if at all -- not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men.


TS Elliot knew a thing or two about misery and isolation. Part of being human, even a sober human, involves feeling dark feelings at times. Chemicals make that occasional human experience into a daily way of being. The path to feeling better involves taking control of your life.

Maybe you could make a list of the things you'd like to change and pick just one to work on. Maybe you should consider letting others solve their own problems and working on yourself.

Pilgrim

Hi Sunny,

I was a people pleaser too. I got resentments because I never said anything when I could have. I surounded myself with other alcoholics who didn't care about me. The only bond we had was drink.

The part of me that was the vicitm was the part of me that drank. I would say nothing, sulk and be sour and drink over how mean people were to me. I realised that I had to stop having those resentments if I wanted to be free of the chains - the control alcohol had on me. I started to make sure I was not a victim anymore. I took action to make sure I was not in that position - just today.

Keep posting and don't apologise for being open and honest.

xx

Steph

sunkensky

I've read everything you guys have said and am thankful for the thought people have put in.

I feel one thousand times better than I did when I was posting that. I always get really depressed and pitiful on the weekends sitting at home doing what I do. Today I got up and went to work and doing something productive all day makes a huge difference.

Thanks for relating to me. And thanks for the poem!

@Jersey Nonny

It is true. I posted here because I am really and truly unsure if my problem is true or manufactured or what. I have a really unsure sense of identity so that I never really know what is going on with me. I don't know if I am trying to fit into the role of someone addicted in order to have a reason why I don't like my life much, or if that is part of the source of my unhappiness. I don't know if I am addicted or simply unhappy. I don't even know how I feel sometimes. That's part of the reason I tried to erase the thread. I felt it really deeply, and then thought it was over emotional crap.

I first joined this site shortly after my birthday during which I drank compulsively and to extreme excess, and a friend suggested I had a drinking problem. I was in a crappy mental state then. My issue is trying to figure whether I am blaming preexisting dysfunction on alcohol etc.

I don't have much urge to use drugs or drink today.

Rowan

I'm glad - and I'm glad you're here with us.

CarolD

Hi....
My long battle with depression is why I began AA recovery.
By 3 months sober...it had vanished.

My new AA friends were immensley helpful as I healed.

Hugs

sunkensky

I blacked out again last night and I feel like **** again today.

I have no idea what I did, but I am embarrassed to be me right now.

At this moment. Right now. I don't want to drink anymore.

This scares me a little. I don't think I can devote myself to something like that.

At the same time I feel lighter knowing I don't have the desire to drink anymore.

I'm tired of this worthless behavior and wasting my life.


I'm still confused as to whether this is an addiction, or a way for me to hurt myself.

Saying it is an addiction makes me feel hopeless. Saying it is a way for me to hurt myself makes me feel stronger, but more ridiculous.


Either way, the way I feel right now makes me question why I insist on keeping drinking and I can't figure an answer.