with regret and heartache
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Falling Waters, WV
Posts: 150
with regret and heartache
Well, as I have been writing about, my dauther went to a 10 day rehab center. She had informed me that she will be getting out on Saturday (yesterday). I got a phone call at 7:30 in the morning from her stating that she is going to stay there until Sunday - which was fine for me..i figured that was one more day of help. I called the centers payphone all morning until about 1:00 today (Sunday). The phone was either busy or just rang with no-one answering it. I decided to call the center to find out what time I needed to pick my daughter up and they informed me that she checked herself out yesterday at 12:25. She knew that I had to drive hours away to pick her up...she had no idea if I would call first before I just drove to get her..and...she never called to tell me she was out!!!!!
Crushed, disappointed, pissed, hurt....is what I am feeling. Although to don't worry too much over how I am feeling, I worry about my grandson who had been in daily contact with my daughter and anticipating his mothers return today. My god, what do I tell this three year old?? When ever he talked about his mommy, he said..she is away getting help so that she can be a better mommy!! He has asked me so many times today...is it Sunday? Is my mommy coming home today?? I had to lie and tell him that it isn't Sunday yet....what kind of grandmother am I??
Now, again...not knowing what she is capable of, I have my house on lockdown! I have already talked to the owner of the daycare to inform her that the grandchildren are only to be picked up by me and are NEVER to be let near the fence when outside playing. I will have to walk around daily scared that she or one of her friends will come by and try to take the children or rob my house for their habit. We have already changed the code to the garage, put a lock on the large doggie door and replaced the deadbolts and refreshed the rest of the family on the alarm system.
My husband is so displaced because he doesn't know what to do for either me or the kids to help ease the pain of what we are all going through. At one point, I told him i am going to look for her and he went and got the car keys and said he is going. I then told him, I don't need to go look for her because I have the need to hurt her. Then i sat down and said, we need to change the phone number, I don't want her to ever call my house again and tell her lies...he said okay ..but..I can't do that because we just put out over 100 invitations for my daughters sweet 16 party. I just don't know what to do...and...everything that i am doing is filled with so much emotion that it is drving me nuts!
As i sit here crying, not for me, but for my young grandchildren who never asked to be born, who doesn't deserve a mother like this....and..crying because I don't know the answers to their questions. I have a few alternatives. I can just leave her along and stop all contact, I can turn her in for desertion and have her locked up in jail, I can look for her and turn in both her and her boyfriend for dealing drugs and have them both locked up ...or I can sit and do nothing. If god or someone could point me in the right direction...it may help me maintain my sanity.
Crushed, disappointed, pissed, hurt....is what I am feeling. Although to don't worry too much over how I am feeling, I worry about my grandson who had been in daily contact with my daughter and anticipating his mothers return today. My god, what do I tell this three year old?? When ever he talked about his mommy, he said..she is away getting help so that she can be a better mommy!! He has asked me so many times today...is it Sunday? Is my mommy coming home today?? I had to lie and tell him that it isn't Sunday yet....what kind of grandmother am I??
Now, again...not knowing what she is capable of, I have my house on lockdown! I have already talked to the owner of the daycare to inform her that the grandchildren are only to be picked up by me and are NEVER to be let near the fence when outside playing. I will have to walk around daily scared that she or one of her friends will come by and try to take the children or rob my house for their habit. We have already changed the code to the garage, put a lock on the large doggie door and replaced the deadbolts and refreshed the rest of the family on the alarm system.
My husband is so displaced because he doesn't know what to do for either me or the kids to help ease the pain of what we are all going through. At one point, I told him i am going to look for her and he went and got the car keys and said he is going. I then told him, I don't need to go look for her because I have the need to hurt her. Then i sat down and said, we need to change the phone number, I don't want her to ever call my house again and tell her lies...he said okay ..but..I can't do that because we just put out over 100 invitations for my daughters sweet 16 party. I just don't know what to do...and...everything that i am doing is filled with so much emotion that it is drving me nuts!
As i sit here crying, not for me, but for my young grandchildren who never asked to be born, who doesn't deserve a mother like this....and..crying because I don't know the answers to their questions. I have a few alternatives. I can just leave her along and stop all contact, I can turn her in for desertion and have her locked up in jail, I can look for her and turn in both her and her boyfriend for dealing drugs and have them both locked up ...or I can sit and do nothing. If god or someone could point me in the right direction...it may help me maintain my sanity.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I know how hard it is to do nothing, but that is what I vote for here. Your daughter is only going to stop doing drugs when she is ready and nothing you do will make her want to change. You have done the right things in changing locks, etc. Now put the focus back on you and your children and grandchildren. Your other children need their mom and your grandchildren need your stabilizing influence. You could just tell your grandson that his mommy is still sick and needs more time to get better. He is so young and probably will adjust just fine as long as he sees you acting okay. So fake it until you make it if you have to. You can't change her choices but you can make good ones for you. Hugs and prayers, Marle
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Hi Trisha,
I'm so sorry that you're going through such a traumatic time with your daughter & grandchildren. I don't know much to tell you right now, except that when we're not sure what to do, it has proven to be best to do nothing. It appears to me that you've pretty much gotten everything covered that is of immediate importance and maybe it's just time to sit back and take a breather for now at least. Just to sit back and not let yourself think anything in particular and just rest and get yourself together. It really seems that you'd be doing something good for your grandchildren too, if you take care of yourself. It sounds like your in a real spin and you need a minute to regroup. There's nothing you can do right now to change anything and you need to refresh yourself for the long haul. Just do nothing else for now, except to focus on caring for you and the children. That's all that you can do right now. Just answer each of the children's questions as they ask them in as basic and truthful a way as you can. That's what will hurt them and you the least. Accept what is. That is the beginning of yours and their healing. Let them know that their mother loves them, but she is very sick right now and is not able to take care of them properly, so you'll be there for them until she gets well, even if it takes a long time for her to get well. Make preparations to care for them for the long haul as if she will never get well, so you will all be as okay as you can if there were a worse case scenario but never lose hope or let the kids lose hope that it'll get better someday and that she really does love them. She really is sick. Her mind and body are very altered as long as she is using drugs and alcohol. My son is the alcoholic/addict in my life and he is in jail right now, clean and sober. I've been able to see that my real sweet hearted son is still alive without the drugs and alcohol. He's as different as person with opposite characteristics, when he's using and when he's not using. I know that I've said alot, but it's just from my own experience, so please only take what you like and forget the rest of what I've said. I hope that you'll keep coming back here often as you will have alot of support and encouragement from others that have gone through or are going through alot of what you are.
(((((((((((((((Caring Hugs)))))))))))))))
I'm so sorry that you're going through such a traumatic time with your daughter & grandchildren. I don't know much to tell you right now, except that when we're not sure what to do, it has proven to be best to do nothing. It appears to me that you've pretty much gotten everything covered that is of immediate importance and maybe it's just time to sit back and take a breather for now at least. Just to sit back and not let yourself think anything in particular and just rest and get yourself together. It really seems that you'd be doing something good for your grandchildren too, if you take care of yourself. It sounds like your in a real spin and you need a minute to regroup. There's nothing you can do right now to change anything and you need to refresh yourself for the long haul. Just do nothing else for now, except to focus on caring for you and the children. That's all that you can do right now. Just answer each of the children's questions as they ask them in as basic and truthful a way as you can. That's what will hurt them and you the least. Accept what is. That is the beginning of yours and their healing. Let them know that their mother loves them, but she is very sick right now and is not able to take care of them properly, so you'll be there for them until she gets well, even if it takes a long time for her to get well. Make preparations to care for them for the long haul as if she will never get well, so you will all be as okay as you can if there were a worse case scenario but never lose hope or let the kids lose hope that it'll get better someday and that she really does love them. She really is sick. Her mind and body are very altered as long as she is using drugs and alcohol. My son is the alcoholic/addict in my life and he is in jail right now, clean and sober. I've been able to see that my real sweet hearted son is still alive without the drugs and alcohol. He's as different as person with opposite characteristics, when he's using and when he's not using. I know that I've said alot, but it's just from my own experience, so please only take what you like and forget the rest of what I've said. I hope that you'll keep coming back here often as you will have alot of support and encouragement from others that have gone through or are going through alot of what you are.
(((((((((((((((Caring Hugs)))))))))))))))
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I have a son who has ruined his life with drugs. I have bent over backwards, put myself in financial binds, opened my doors to him and helped him more than anyone should.
Well, he's in jail and will be out in about a month. I have made it clear that he will never come home again to live. I am completely and totally finished with helping someone who doesn't want to help themself.
The only thing I can do to keep my sanity and not live in the chaos is to push him out and hope he learns to swim.
Im sorry you have to live in such chaos. It is so hard when little children, innoscent of all this, have to endure the suffering brought on by an addict. They are so very fortunate to have you. Some have no one but the addict.
Well, he's in jail and will be out in about a month. I have made it clear that he will never come home again to live. I am completely and totally finished with helping someone who doesn't want to help themself.
The only thing I can do to keep my sanity and not live in the chaos is to push him out and hope he learns to swim.
Im sorry you have to live in such chaos. It is so hard when little children, innoscent of all this, have to endure the suffering brought on by an addict. They are so very fortunate to have you. Some have no one but the addict.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Trish,
Well it sounds like she took care of her own ride or she is still in the vicinity of the rehab. Possibly she met someone in rehab and went off with them. I think the best thing that could happen is for her to stay away from all of you until she can be the mother and daughter that she is expected to be. That might just be what she will do. She will take care of herself. Try not to be too angry about her not being there for her children right now......because if she was they would have to see a mom who is not going to be any good to them anyway. It is best that she is not in their company right now.
It sounds like you took care of all of the necessary things. You are controlling what you can control........the rest is out of your hands. Little children can adapt as long as they have someone loving and caring like you and your family to take care of them. I'm sure they feel very safe and secure with you and that is all that matters right now. Their mommy just needs more time to get better. Take care of yourself and stay strong. Put your energies on the people who deserve it right now.
Lots of mom hugs and prayers for you and you missing daughter.
Lo
Well it sounds like she took care of her own ride or she is still in the vicinity of the rehab. Possibly she met someone in rehab and went off with them. I think the best thing that could happen is for her to stay away from all of you until she can be the mother and daughter that she is expected to be. That might just be what she will do. She will take care of herself. Try not to be too angry about her not being there for her children right now......because if she was they would have to see a mom who is not going to be any good to them anyway. It is best that she is not in their company right now.
It sounds like you took care of all of the necessary things. You are controlling what you can control........the rest is out of your hands. Little children can adapt as long as they have someone loving and caring like you and your family to take care of them. I'm sure they feel very safe and secure with you and that is all that matters right now. Their mommy just needs more time to get better. Take care of yourself and stay strong. Put your energies on the people who deserve it right now.
Lots of mom hugs and prayers for you and you missing daughter.
Lo
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
I have to agree with Marle. "Hands off the addict" seems to always be the best policy. They tend to hang themselves eventually, and she will... it's just a matter of time.
I also like what Marle said about explaining that mommy is still sick and needs more time to get better. Kids are so resilient, I'm sure he'll take it better than you think he will. He's so blessed to have you in his life, even if his mother is not doing her job at the moment. Thanks to HP that you are there to make sure he is okay. Just try to focus on you and that darling little baby.
*hugs and prayers*
I also like what Marle said about explaining that mommy is still sick and needs more time to get better. Kids are so resilient, I'm sure he'll take it better than you think he will. He's so blessed to have you in his life, even if his mother is not doing her job at the moment. Thanks to HP that you are there to make sure he is okay. Just try to focus on you and that darling little baby.
*hugs and prayers*
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Up North
Posts: 105
"Just Love Her..." Find it in your heart to love her unconditionally. I know that you do.
Let her find her way while you get out of her way.
I feel bad for the disappointments that you're going through. My AS and his AGF have chosen drugs over their poor little children. It is so sad.
Drug addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful.
Get help for you.
Your daughter will find her way when she's ready.
Keep coming back my friend, there is so much comforting wisdom here.
Let her find her way while you get out of her way.
I feel bad for the disappointments that you're going through. My AS and his AGF have chosen drugs over their poor little children. It is so sad.
Drug addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful.
Get help for you.
Your daughter will find her way when she's ready.
Keep coming back my friend, there is so much comforting wisdom here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
I am so sorry. I know all to well how you feel. All above is right, you must take care of those kids, and yourself. There is nothing you can do but pray that she wakes up before it is too late.
prayers,
susan
prayers,
susan
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
((TV))
Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing ~drastic. Your grandson needs your love and support right now. He'll understand that Mommy is still getting better if you tell him in a straightforward way. And your other daughter who is having a sweet 16 party deserves to have some of the attention on HER for a change.
With that said, yoiu might want to take some action to be extra careful and vigilant during that party. Without raising concern, perhaps you could get a neighbor or friend to keep an eye on your house and little ones so you can enjoy the party.
HUGS. It will get easier.
Cats
Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing ~drastic. Your grandson needs your love and support right now. He'll understand that Mommy is still getting better if you tell him in a straightforward way. And your other daughter who is having a sweet 16 party deserves to have some of the attention on HER for a change.
With that said, yoiu might want to take some action to be extra careful and vigilant during that party. Without raising concern, perhaps you could get a neighbor or friend to keep an eye on your house and little ones so you can enjoy the party.
HUGS. It will get easier.
Cats
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
Although you are not changing your phone number, you can keep her from stressing
you and family by not engaging in conversation with her at all. You are not obliged to speak with her if she calls and it's okay to not want to. You deserve some peace as well as time for the rest of the family.
I echo what Lobo said about the children and your relationship with them. Kids cannot comprehend their mother's problem but their needs are simple. They need to feel safe, cherished and loved.
Hugs
you and family by not engaging in conversation with her at all. You are not obliged to speak with her if she calls and it's okay to not want to. You deserve some peace as well as time for the rest of the family.
I echo what Lobo said about the children and your relationship with them. Kids cannot comprehend their mother's problem but their needs are simple. They need to feel safe, cherished and loved.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Falling Waters, WV
Posts: 150
Thanks...everyone
I didn't get very much sleep lastnight only because today is the first day of school for my youngest two children and they were up and down all night. What sleep I got must have been light because every little noise woke me up and I had to investigate. I woke up with this sick feeling and I know it has to do with my daughter...the not knowing who picked her up..whether it was her dealer or if she did meet someone who was also being released and the thought of my grandchildrens broken hearts..yet again.
I have always allowed my daughter to talk to my 3 year old grandson never denying he the rights, but know I have instructed everyone in the house to NOT take her calls. I am not allowing her to hurt these children anymore and if that means not talking to her so be it.
I often wondered if I hadn't had that falling out with her over the phone the other day if things would be different. Wondering...did I cause her to relapse or if I am the reason that she didn't return to be a mother for her children. What if it were me?? What if I just denied my grandchildren their mother because of my actions. Ohhh..the what-ifs are what brings on more heartaches.
Someone had mentioned about my children and grandchildren and focusing my attention on them. I try as hard as I can but sometime it is just so hard. I feel like I am pushing her out of the family, like I am the reason that she isn't hear and then I come here and read the post that states....most addicts behave in this mannor.
This Sept. is going to be a hard one to get through. The littlest granddaughters birthday is coming, my sons birthday and my daughters Sweet 16. All of these occasions are where we get together with family members to celebrate and she won't be a part of any of it. When my daughter talked about a 28 day program, she checked the calendar to make sure that she would be out before my other daughter's Sweet 16 party. She said she really wanted to be there. But...you know what the funny part or sad part is, the grandaughter (her daughter's) birthday is right before that and she wasn't worried about being out of rehab for that.
Anyhow, thank all of you for your thoughts and concerns. This forum has been a real help to me and I am not sure where i would be without it.
Thanks to all!!
I have always allowed my daughter to talk to my 3 year old grandson never denying he the rights, but know I have instructed everyone in the house to NOT take her calls. I am not allowing her to hurt these children anymore and if that means not talking to her so be it.
I often wondered if I hadn't had that falling out with her over the phone the other day if things would be different. Wondering...did I cause her to relapse or if I am the reason that she didn't return to be a mother for her children. What if it were me?? What if I just denied my grandchildren their mother because of my actions. Ohhh..the what-ifs are what brings on more heartaches.
Someone had mentioned about my children and grandchildren and focusing my attention on them. I try as hard as I can but sometime it is just so hard. I feel like I am pushing her out of the family, like I am the reason that she isn't hear and then I come here and read the post that states....most addicts behave in this mannor.
This Sept. is going to be a hard one to get through. The littlest granddaughters birthday is coming, my sons birthday and my daughters Sweet 16. All of these occasions are where we get together with family members to celebrate and she won't be a part of any of it. When my daughter talked about a 28 day program, she checked the calendar to make sure that she would be out before my other daughter's Sweet 16 party. She said she really wanted to be there. But...you know what the funny part or sad part is, the grandaughter (her daughter's) birthday is right before that and she wasn't worried about being out of rehab for that.
Anyhow, thank all of you for your thoughts and concerns. This forum has been a real help to me and I am not sure where i would be without it.
Thanks to all!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Don't you think that if you were powerful enough to cause her to use, you would also be powerful enough to get her to stop. And since you want her clean that would be where she would be right now. You have no power over her either way. Think about someone who made you mad in the past. Someone that you argued with. Did they have the power to make you do things that you did not want to do. Your daughter wants drugs more than she wants to be clean. She is not ready. I don't know what it will take for her to be ready, but until she is "Let go and let God". The one thing that has power over your daughter is her DOC. And mighty powerful it is when she is willing to give up everything for it. You can't even begin to compete with that. Praying that you and your family will have peace. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
oh trisha, you did not cause anything. the addict is going to do what the addict wants to do. i am so sorry for you & those grandkids. love her anyway but love her from a distance.the addict can take care of themselves. there is nothing you can do for her.i am saying big prayers for you,her & the babies. hugs,
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Trisha, my heart hurts for you because I remember the pain so well.
It's hard taking our focus off the addict and putting it back on ourselves and all the loving healthy relationships in our lives, but that's exactly what we need to do to keep our sanity.
If you don't already go to meetings, please find some and go. I promise you they will help you more than I can ever say, and we DO need help, we cannot do this alone and we don't have to.
I get through my days saying a prayer each morning, asking God to take care of my son, and then I spend the rest of the day in faith that He will. I haven't seen my son in over 3 years, nor heard from him, and I can tell you from my heart to yours, life does go on and we can live it well, just as God intended.
Special prayers for you and your family today, that each of you find some peace.
Hugs
It's hard taking our focus off the addict and putting it back on ourselves and all the loving healthy relationships in our lives, but that's exactly what we need to do to keep our sanity.
If you don't already go to meetings, please find some and go. I promise you they will help you more than I can ever say, and we DO need help, we cannot do this alone and we don't have to.
I get through my days saying a prayer each morning, asking God to take care of my son, and then I spend the rest of the day in faith that He will. I haven't seen my son in over 3 years, nor heard from him, and I can tell you from my heart to yours, life does go on and we can live it well, just as God intended.
Special prayers for you and your family today, that each of you find some peace.
Hugs
Starry Girl
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
((Trisha)) Things change. Try not to think about the upcoming months but live one day at a time. It's a good slogan for addict and codie alike. It's hard not to panic and focus on what if, what if, when we allow our thoughts to run away with us.
Please try to get to a meeting and I can almost guarentee you will feel better, at least for that hour. It is very hard to try to protect the little ones (I have a three year old also) but I am pretty honest with my son when it comes to my husband and I tell him his Dad is sick but still loves him.
I hope things work out for you soon and you find some peace..
Please try to get to a meeting and I can almost guarentee you will feel better, at least for that hour. It is very hard to try to protect the little ones (I have a three year old also) but I am pretty honest with my son when it comes to my husband and I tell him his Dad is sick but still loves him.
I hope things work out for you soon and you find some peace..
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
Sending prayers and heaps of understanding your way. My heart goes out to you. I too remember the overwhelming feelings and concerns.
You are not the cause of daughter's addiction and consequent troubles. Addiction is a disease, the cause unknown. If she had cancer, would you consider yourself responsible? It too is a disease with no known cause. Conscientious, caring parents
often think they may have had something to do with it. Trust me please, I thought the same until I found recovery, attended Alanon meetings and learned the three Cs.
I didn't Cause it
I can't Control the addict/alcoholic
I can't Cure it
My son has not found lasting recovery to date. He's been addicted for 18 years.
One thing I know about life is....it goes on. I live in peace and serenity today. And I am 100% absolutely certain of the three Cs.
I'm glad you found us. We share, care, support and understand.
You are not the cause of daughter's addiction and consequent troubles. Addiction is a disease, the cause unknown. If she had cancer, would you consider yourself responsible? It too is a disease with no known cause. Conscientious, caring parents
often think they may have had something to do with it. Trust me please, I thought the same until I found recovery, attended Alanon meetings and learned the three Cs.
I didn't Cause it
I can't Control the addict/alcoholic
I can't Cure it
My son has not found lasting recovery to date. He's been addicted for 18 years.
One thing I know about life is....it goes on. I live in peace and serenity today. And I am 100% absolutely certain of the three Cs.
I'm glad you found us. We share, care, support and understand.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
I am so sorry Trisha. No, your grandson did not ask for a mother like your daughters. But he DOES have the most amazing grandmother whom your daughter could never replace. One day he will tell you that himself.
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