hbb

Just having one of those days where i'm up and down, sad and getting by. It's been about 7 weeks since i've seen and talked to my exabf and i'm definately keeping myself busy but that doesn't always help. I absolutely agree with no contact as i think it's saved me but i'm having that kinda crappy day thinking and missing him. I've heard that he's his miserable self but can't seem to stop wondering if he's back with his exgf. I know what she's ending up with, much worse than she started out with 8 years ago but it's like a huge slap in the face to me. And i know what he's getting with her.....NOTHING but it still hurts and i don't even know for sure whats going on but jeeze it bothers me so much.

I feel like a huge failure as a gf and that i'm not worthy of having a relationship with him. My friends are tough to talk to because i'm sure they are tired of hearing about it as it's been a little while. I absolutely know it doesn't matter but just feeling bummed out today and not really sure why. I know in the long run i'm better off but just stinks so bad today....ever have those days? It's pretty bad when my counselor wants me to get MAD instead of sad. I start to get pissed off and then i go right back to sad and i wonder if it's i feel more sad that i let someone treat me this way. Either way when does this pain stop? We started the other night at Al Anon at week 1 ... Letting go and that's where i need to be again but it's so hard as he's all i've known for the past year but guess i thought i would have heard in 7 weeks from him.....

I'm sitting here crying as i type this and haven't cried in 4 days, which is huge for me but today for some reason i'm really sad

thanks for listening.......

ICU

Have I ever had one of those days? Nope, not me, not ever...LOL!!

Yeah, I sure have. The only thing I can say is that it's good to admit to feeling whatever it is you are feeling amongst people that understand.

And, I've learned that it's ok to have 'one of those days', for they are bound to happen to everyone at some point in time.

I feel for 'ya, and know that you're not alone.

You did the right thing by sharing here with us.

(((Hugs)))!

Barbara52

I sorry you're feeling bad right now. Be patient with yourself and accepting of what you feel. Remember you are not a failure. You had a relationship that failed. A very different thing. Don't beat yourself up for feeling your loss. It is a loss even ifyou know ending it was the right thing to do.

Mourning the loss of a relationship is a very individual process. I know I go thru ups and downs. I'm sure most do. Its part of the process. I just accept it when the sadness hits, try to figure out what brought on the sadness and what I can do to deal with it. Sometimes I can't find any particular reason. I find that regardless of what the cause is, I pray for help in dealing with the various emotions and take comfort from knowing that each day is a new day and that I will eventually be whole again.

cdk1972

I wish that there was a magical word or action. HBB, I could write exactly the same thing that you wrote today. My feelings are 100% NO DIFFERENT. Sad, wondering constantly what he's doing. Why did i fail again. WHy hasn't he called, although I know that's a good thing. I cried all night. Why? Why, when i know how bad he is for me, do i pine for him? It doesn't make any sense. I constantly have a feeling of dread. You are not alone. I wish I could make you feel better by some great advice or words...I'm so sorry for you.

prodigal

I'm sorry you're feeling so down right now, hbb. I think we often feel down and depressed because we can't get all the anger out. When we don't get it out, it turns inwards on us and we get pretty darned depressed. I know you're attending meetings, so you're working on recovery. It's a life-long process, but you're heading in the right direction.

I believe that our thoughts are what start getting us into those crummy-feeling days. With just one thought, we can get stuck in, "What is he doing," "Is he still with her," "Wonder where he is right now," "Does he ever think of me and, if so, what is he thinking?" I've been there. It stinks. It seems like one crummy day just drifts into another one.

You say you feel like a failure because you're not "worthy" of having a relationship with him. hbb, please take this as a dose of love; tough love perhaps, but meant in a loving way: YOU ARE RIGHT. YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS MAN BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTHY OF HAVING A WHOLE LOT BETTER THAN HIM. HE IS NOT WORTHY OF YOU. Quit blaming yourself for his lousy behaviors.

Go ahead and get angry in a constructive way. Go running until your'e pooped. Go bowling and knock down some pins - imagine each pin is his PINHEAD! Quit talking about him to your friends. Try changing what is running through your mind. Perhaps calling up a friend and asking them to discuss what is going on in their life will help. Anger is part of the grieving process. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel in order to get past this and over this.

ARealLady

YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS MAN BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTHY OF HAVING A WHOLE LOT BETTER THAN HIM. HE IS NOT WORTHY OF YOU.

Amen!!

Thank you, Prodigal!

ARL

Barbara52

Yup. That is the absolutel truth.

Good one Prodigal

hbb

Thank you Prodigal, that means alot to me Gosh i'm just so in the dumps today. I know he's not worth a minute in my brain anymore but it's so hard to forget not to mention, we have that financial tie so once a month i have to be his babysitter to make sure he paid the loan. But i just check on line and move on. Any sort of decent person would get it out of my name to begin with.....what was i thinking, obviously not with my brain! My roommate is telling me it's way to long since we broke up to still be feeling this way, so now i'm feeling like an idiot but it really ended beg. of July. And i think everyone is different in the healing process. But i do want to thank you ladies very much, some much needed love and if the "thanks" button was there i'd certainly be using it So THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.....

I think i'm so hard on myself because my 1st exbf (non-alcoholic) basically did the same thing to me so it's all i know these days, if you girls knew me before my first exbf, i was so much fun and full of life and now i'm lifeless and sad ALOT...working on that with a counselor though.....

gns

I post on a few boards (survivinginfidelity and ojar) and it seems like a lot of people are having sad days today/this weekend!

I too have been doing well until this weekend and all of sudden feeling sad. I am with you, hbb!

ICU

I had the same thing happen to me the other day. So, if it's happening to so many of us at the same time, maybe it's something in the air, and not 'us' after all???? ;-)

MsGolightly

hbb, i know how you're feeling and i know it sucks. i've been there more days than i can probably count... and i'm having a few hours of feeling that way right now, crying for no reason... knowing that i shouldn't be wasting my tears over someone so selfish. it's not what i want in anyone, let alone a friend, and for some reason i'm still upset and wishing things were different.

i know it gets better and easier, and i'm sure you've come a LONG way since your break up and even since your last contact with him, so thank your lucky stars you're not still back where you used to be!

i'm thinking of you today! you can get through it... we'll do it together!

guineapigjude

Hbb, I think a lot of us are just scared to death that once our A's leave us, they will stop using and go on to live the lives we wanted with different SOs. Therefore proving we were the problem all along ~ If we were better, if we did more, if we changed ourselves the right way, yadda yadda. I'm president of that club!
But when I read your feelings, I immediately say ~ "Hey wait! You weren't the problem ~ he was! He won't get any better with or without you, or with or without her, because it's about him!" and I laugh at myself, because the same applies to me!
So onward in codie recovery. This too, will pass. Sending you lots of hugs.

hbb

Oh i know your right, i have to remember that if it couldn't work with us, he's not going to work with anyone. I basically did everything to better him and he didn't want it. It's him, he has years of much needed therapy and help ahead of him.

Like my friends say, i should be thanking God that he's not calling and turning my world upside down and starting from the bottom again. But sometimes i'm like "damn him" for not fighting for me back but then i say HEATHER, wait, he doesn't have the fight for himself, nevermind me. Then i get back on track! It's so weird how many of us are down in the dumps today....i'm thinking of all of you today we will get better together!

MTBChick

I hate to play the devils advocate...but, the truth is that sometimes the A's DO get better after they have left us (i.e. get sober, go to AA, & work a good program) and DO go onto live the lives "we" wanted with someone else. Even when this happens "we" have to still remember that it doesn't mean that "we" were the problem all along. We are never to blame for another's alcoholism. As for the demise of a relationship, well it takes two people to be in a relationship.

hbb

Oh i know what your saying MTB and i would have thought that in J's case, but heard through his work that "the bum was back". Not to say he's definately drinking again but chances are he is. He never truly worked a program, he was barely getting by. But like other's have said on here, he's obviously not sick and tired of being sick and tired yet. If he hasn't started, it's only a matter of time. But i am still sad as i thought we turned a corner several months ago and were truly in love and happy and headed for marriage and a future together.....and then this, to my shock has happened but guess someone has other plans for me!

MsGolightly

i agree... i think that in the cases where the A's do get better once they have left us (like in mtb's case, right?) it's no reflection on us. some things just aren't meant to be... sometimes we're just not meant to be with certain people. the damage my A has done to me made me decide what i DO want out of a relationship... and that's just not her anymore. she's meant to be with someone else. and i DO desperately want her to get better, so whatever it takes for her to get there, even if it's not with me, i support.

i don't think we would be responsible either way... no matter what happens. whether they stay with us, leave us and get sober, or leave us and meet someone else. nothing is anyone's "fault."

hbb

Your exactly right InThis, it is none of our faults or his fault that he has a disease. It IS however his fault the turn of events he chose to bring upon our relationship sober to boot. He knew right from wrong when he told his ex that he would leave the state with her knowing we were together and "working on his recovery". That's where i have a HUGE issue with whether it's a disease or not (in his case soley). And like you, i wish he would get better once and for all, i don't wish ill on him. I guess i'm just sad that i was taken for granted sooooo badly and lead on for sooooo long in the process. I'm just bummed today and in hopes that someday he'll feel that pain too when someone does this to him. I'm not saying that break ups are easy and cut and dry but he and i are adults (or one of us!) and not 13 anymore but i guess i need to realize that i'm not dealing with a 34 year old OR a healthy mind.....I HATE THIS DISEASE

nan07

People behave badly in relationships all the time, alcohol or not, recovery or not. In the whole scheme of things, nine months out of your life is not such a long time. If the guy is so unhealthy and such a loser and you hated having to go to bed by 8:00...why is his leaving such a huge loss to you? He is on his life's path, rightly or wrongly, with a woman who was really only his "ex" for a brief nine month period out of what is now nearly nine years. I guarantee you he's already feeling pain, especially if he has gone back to drinking. Any alcoholic will tell you that once you've come to the realization you have a problem, drinking does not really feel like a "good" thing any longer. Maybe someday his girlfriend will leave him high and dry and he will suffer the way you want him to, but then again, maybe this will never happen.

I was once involved with a handsome, bright and very funny young man. He happened to have a serious drug and alcohol problem. After a year together, I was tired of the fact that he could not hold down a job and that he blew off saturday night after saturday night with me in order that he could get high with his best buddy. I broke it off with him. He's been dead now for sixteen years. He died a few days before he turned thirty, in an accident in which he was driving a motorcycle, drunk, on a rainy night. I don't think about this much any more, but I used to imagine what life with him would have been like...and all scenarios were pretty grim.

I reallly hope for you that you can move past what amounts to a brief blip on the radar of your life- and find someone who will make you truly happy. Because this guy is not him. Take care...

hbb

Well school's starting this week and my exabf works for school so wouldn't you know, i passed him on my way to work and i often wondered what i would do. If i would wave, if he would wave, well NADA. I certainly didn't do anything and he's too much of a coward but i hope i see him every morning and he feels bad EVERYDAY as he should. Bother's me and i know i should hold my head high as i didn't do anything wrong but God it bums me out....

hbb

Nan your right, i know that, it's just that i had to sit there and listen how wonderful i was and she didn't work, drank, drugged, thought she left him for another woman. So you right, things probably won't work out but i often think that a quality 9 months together (he talked about marriage) as opposed to a quantity of 8 years with her is a big difference. He was single a year between us. I know he has MAJOR issues but i'm having a hard time. Days definately get easier but still hard to let go. I know it's a short time, but i guess it wasn't to me when i thought he was the one. Guess he did me a favor, someday i'm hoping to believe that.