AskingWhy

Yesterday, while AW was at work, I decided to drink a few beers. By the time she got home I had a pretty good buzz going and was working on another one. We had to go somewhere last night, so it was obvious to her she had to drive. So, like she does so many t imes, I opened another one, poured it in a glass and took it with me. I could tell she was a bit agitated about the whole thing.

We were gone for three or four hours and on the way home I could tell she was pissed...more than anything pissed that I was drinking and she wasn't, I think, because for once she had to stay sober.

As we pulled into the driveway, all hell then broke loose from her. I promptly did like she always does...came in, got on my sleepwear, and opened a beer and propped up on the recliner for the evening...all the time she's giving me hell because of my attitude on this night.

She asked, "So what got you to drinkign today?" I responded, "It's been a stressful week and I just decided I'd pop open one and drinkit and one became two, two became three and so on...you know how it goes".

So while I'm not at my sharpest moments and she is totally sober she starts bringing up old stuff and we end up in a big fight. All because she didn't get to spend her Saturday night drinking...instead had to drive...and Im the one who did drink.

It was probably wrong of me....I didn't do it to keep her from drinking...sometimes we all just need to unwind and that's what I was doing....but again, it's all about her and a minor thing like this ended up being a big war with words said that cut deep a nd can never be taken back.

hadenoughnow

I have been married to an A for 15 years, I rarely drink (as in one drink with friends every couple of months, when our son was young I went years without a drink, the A did enough for both of us) but My A has said crazy things to me like "oh sure you can go out and drink but I can't" and "I think you should never be able to eat chocolate again if I can't drink" (cause we all know that eating chocolate ruins lives LOL). It's the disease talking and my only suggestion is to "keep your side of the street clean" as they say and work a program for yourself. If you decide to stay with her your life will not be normal.

AskingWhy

But you know, I really like having a couple of beers or a margarita so why should I give that up just because she's an A? I mean, me not enjoying my life and doing things I like to do and CAN control (unlike her) isn't going to change her or make her not drink.

Enabling? Call it what you want. But I've gone months without drinking a drop and it doesn't make her not drink.

I'm at a point now where if I want a beer....or if I want more than one beer...I'm going to drink it because I know my limits...I know when to stop AND it's not something I do every day..I can live without it.

So everyone here says do things for yourself. DO things you enjoy doing. SHe's a drunk. She's always gonna be a drunk and nothing I do, or don't do, is going to change that. So when I want a drink, by God I'll have one.

hadenoughnow

You should be able to have a drink but you live with an A and it is always ALL about THEM. In their minds only THEY are allowed to have stress or problems or have a drink, not you. Don't expect a normal reaction from an abnormal mind. If your AW drinks everyday then she was probably experiencing physical withdrawals, every cell in her body was screaming for alcohol and she was forced to "white knuckle it". That is never pretty IME.

respektingme

I can relate to that. Booze was never an issue for me. I mean, it has the same appeal or perhaps even a little less than chocolate. But I know how you feel. Me not drinking never stopped my AH from drinking. I really like to have a dark stout, just one, like once a year. To me it's like a great steak. Our neighbors have parties where there is booze. I'd love to go. "We" don't party because He is a drunk. It is difficult.

This summer I felt like having some Baileys. So I bought a bottle. I poured a glass and the bottle is still hidden downstairs in the garage. Imagine that, lol, now I'M hiding bottles!

I don't know the answer to that one. Me not drinking never stopped him. But if my AH isn't drinking, me having it around a lot could be tempting. For now, if I really want a drink, I guess I'll just make it in the garage and drink it from a dark glass. But really, at least for me, if I have to put that much energy into it and deception, what's the point? It's not even enjoyable anymore.

guineapigjude

When XAH and I started dating, I "partied" quite a bit. But I could not drink and not care about it, either. Most of our dates involved different degrees of drinking ~ but being totally ignorant of addiction, it didn't occur to me that XAH needed alcohol to have a good time. I also had never encountered anyone who was a pot addict, so his smoking a joint didn't phase me.
By the time I clued in, we were married with kids and it was too late. After I had kids, I stopped drinking except for the once in a blue moon drink. XAH became resentful of me because I wouldn't join in, and resented the kids because he felt they were standing in the way of our "fun". (I refused to get a buzz on when I had little kids who might get sick and need me.)
My not drinking didn't stop him, but it sure gave him something else to blame me for.

respektingme

Yeah, we partied too when we met. Hell, I was the company events planner. I organized most of our functions. We all had a blast. We used to go play pool after work on Fridays. I should have known back then, but I didn't. Many of us would have a few beers and leave. Not AH. He had a beer in one hand and a shot of jagermeister in the other. I thought it was gluttonous, but nothing more. Odd, the only other person there who used to do that same very thing passed away in 2005 at the age of 40 from lung cancer. He turned out to be a raging alcoholic. I still miss him. Easier to feel compassion for someone you care about but aren't married to.

I get sick of being the straight one too. The unfun one, the serious one, the one who can't relax, the one who can't lighten up. Well, I did that to myself. Learning about codie's is helping me see that. But I used to be the ultimate social girl, flitting about the party chatting with all my friends. Now I don't go anywhere. Can't take AH. He might drink. Really gets so old.

FormerDoormat

What you described is not normal adult behavior. Sounds like there are two people in your home with a drinking problem. How about you seek help for your problem and let your wife do the same? I hope there are no children involved. They need to be able to count on at least one responsible adult in their home.

AskingWhy

So it's a dichotomy then. We're supposed to "do things for ourselves that we enjoy" but at the same time we have to "be careful what we do so that it doesn't influence the A"?

To me that is total total BS. Most of us on this board appear to be "stuck" in relationships with an A....and we all know that many of us are codies. Furthermore, we all know that until the A decides for themselves to get some help and come clean that there is no way we can make them decide, or even help them decide.

So why should we suffer and not do the things we enjoy? Why should I go out to dinner and NOT have a beer with my steak just because AW is sitting across the table drinking her third one? Either way, I'm going to have to put up with her for the night. I control my drinking. If I'm driving I never ever have more than a small beer (12 oz, not the "tall one") with a meal and then I usually wait a good 30 mins after the meal before driving.

I'm tired of giving up the things I like to do because my wife is an A. I'm tired of having to cater to her because of her disease. I'm tired of being her punching bag for all her accusations and all her projection.

It's gonna end the same way every night whether I drink or not....that's my point.

AskingWhy

You know, yesterday was the first time in three or four years that I'd even gone close to over my limit. Once in four years....and the thing is, I know that it will be a long time before I do that again.

FormerDoormat

It doesn't matter if this is the first time you've drank in four years. The fact is that once you popped the top to that can, things quickly spun out of control for you. If you can't see a problem with your need to catch a buzz in order to relax, keep that buzz going, and travel to the restaurant nursing yet another beer, then you're fooling yourself and attempting to place all the blame for last night's events on your wife. Yes, denial is a powerful thing, so I'll waste no further time addressing this issue. Best of luck to you.

denny57

I was only stuck as long as I chose to be.

Lady BlueMiles

One of the few friends I have left after living with AH for 20 years came to visit me this Spring for a week. She lives far away. We planned a surf and turf one night and being on vacation she wanted to indulge and asked if it would be ok. (she knows my whole life story) I said what difference would it make, he's gonna be gonzo by the end of the night whether we have a few or not. She bought the bottle and the mixes and we did. I had to work the next day, and alcohol generally makes me feel like crap so I kept it down to two mudslides. She had three or four! We were up most of the night, laughed, talked about old times, caught up on the latest, had a great time! We hardly noticed AH babbling in the corner at the end of the night before he passed out. LOL.

The thing is, it's not something my friend or I do very often and we had fun with it that one night. It's not the only thing we did on her visit. I grew up in the 60's and party life was all around me when I was young. Sex, drugs and rock n' roll and lots of drinking. In my late teens and early twenties, I liked to party as much as anyone else and did. I didn't have a care or responsibility in the world at the time. Time marches on, school, marriage, children, work. My life and priorities changed to meet the responsibilities. I grew up. AH didn't. He still lives for the booze and the party. That doesn't mean I don't like to have a social drink now and again or even a couple of beers or glass of wine sitting in my backyard on the weekend once in awhile in the summer.

I don't hate "alcohol", I hate the addiction and the disease. I'm way far less than a moderate drinker and I don't feel like I'm enabling as long as AH continues to be in denial about his problem. OTOH I would gladly not ever have a drink again around him if he were serious about working on sobriety and if I thought that support would help him and the relationship. But that's a fantasy dream.

respektingme

Reminds me of how the disease effects everybody. I hardly ever drink. My mother-in-law (who is married to an alcoholic) accused me of drinking in front of my AH all the time, and placed blame on me for his drinking. She said my stepdaughter told her that I do this. I let step-daughter know this was not the case. She promptly said she never, ever told her grandmother this. With as much as my mother-in-law likes to tell people horrible stuff about me, this apparently was another lie she created and forgot she originated it. Anyway, funny how I managed to be the straighter than arrow part of this relationship, yet my codie mother-in-law is convincing the family that I'm spoon feeding vodka to my AH!!!

I've detached. Now AH wants to know when I'm going to speak to his mother again. Uhhhh, never?

ICU

I drank with my ex before I realized he was an alcoholic. However, during his periods of sobriety, I chose not to drink in front of him. I did not want to add to his struggle. Was I being dishonest, a codie, or was I simply being respectful of his particular situation (like not smoking amongst non-smokers)? I don't know for sure how to call it and I'm not sure that it really matters. My motives were for what was in his best interest, and, not denying myself a little treat now and then. Eventually, his relapses became more of the norm, but it had nothing to do with whether or not I treated myself on occasion.

elizabeth1979

I dont really see how what you did gives you a drinking problem Askingwhy.
I also agree that I will do what I need to do or want to do to enjoy my life and take care of myself.

My ex drank regardless of what I did, so me not enjoying something bc he had a problem didn't make one bit of difference...usually I would end up angry bc I had missed something fun, under the guise of it would be supportive of him for me to not drink.

When he tried to quit, was dry, or working a program, I didnt drink around him, out of respect, but as long his he was pounding back drinks from sun up to sun down, I didnt think it was necessary for me to abstain...I still feel the same.

If I am not fit to categorize someone I lived with as an A, Im certainly not fit to categorize someone I just 'cyber met' online.

PaperDolls

I agree with Elizabeth on this one. I don't agree that this make you an alcoholic or show that you have a drinking problem.

I'm not sure how long your AW has been sober and if it hasn't been for a good length of time, it does make it harder. I've been sober for close to 2 years now and I still want to drink sometimes. My partner doesn't drink very much, may be twice a year so it's not an issue for me. But if it was 100 degrees out and she was sitting on the back porch with an ice cold beer I'd take my frustration and jealousy out on her. Right or not....that's what I'd do.

I think it will all turn out ok.

BigSis

Man... it sure didn't sound like a relaxing fun night for you. Was it?

If it wasn't... was there some other reason for drinking? A little vengeful "getting back", maybe?

Perhaps it was not.... but it sounded a lot how my dad used to drink. When mom got sober, dad got polluted. His way of "evening" the score.

I have trouble understanding "social" drinking meaning "getting drunk" and becoming obnoxious.

When I drank, my personality changed... that was one of the signs that I am an alcoholic.

PaperDolls

good point bigsis. it's a possibility.

I just don't think that if someone (normal) decides to have some drinks after a long, hard day and gets drunk, necessarily has a drinking problem.

the revenge thing......i think that's a much bigger possibility.

Jazzman

I'm with ICU on this subject. I quit drinking along with M out of respect for her struggle. I know how I would feel if the roles were reversed. And before I quit smoking I never smoked around non-smokers either. More of a fellow addict thing... I HAVE walked a mile in those shoes.

Sounds like a lot of anger and resentment. I doubt drinking is the only thing you are resentful about. She staying sober?