In Desperate Need Of Some Prayers
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 174
In Desperate Need Of Some Prayers
My ah had gone to his buddy's house to help him with something. Well ah's brother showed up there later as well. Ah and I got into a huge fight and he was asking me to leave him and all kinds of typical alcoholic crap. Well I knew that that was the beer talking so I stayed because I was not leaving with out my son. (AH was threatening to call the cops on me if I did) SO I stayed for a few and left. Well ah's buddy's wife brought ah and his brother home. In the process something happened that got out of control. Ah's buddy had accused them of something so bil was trying to go fight the buddy. My bil was in my face yelling everything under the sun at me. It got to the point that buddy's wife called the cops because she was afraid of ah and bil going back up there. My son woke up and saw his dad and started crying. So basically its a big ole mess that I'm not sure how to handle come morning time.
I also don't know how to go about talking to ah about the entire drinking situation. He informed me tonight that he wants me to leave him but he would fight me for custody. I don't want a divorce but it is beginning to look that way. Earlier in the year I had to cut my hours back at work because ah was having "nerve issues" keeping my daughter who had just turned 1. Well I still can't pick up to many hours at work because I don't trust him to stay sober while I am gone. He also thinks I should work only 7-3 hours. There is no other babysitter for day time that we can afford, so again I am stuck. I can't afford anything for myself at this point.
Ok so I am babbling now but I am scared to death. He said he would go to marriage counseling. And I am looking into that but something has to break here and I am so afraid that it is going to be me. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I also don't know how to go about talking to ah about the entire drinking situation. He informed me tonight that he wants me to leave him but he would fight me for custody. I don't want a divorce but it is beginning to look that way. Earlier in the year I had to cut my hours back at work because ah was having "nerve issues" keeping my daughter who had just turned 1. Well I still can't pick up to many hours at work because I don't trust him to stay sober while I am gone. He also thinks I should work only 7-3 hours. There is no other babysitter for day time that we can afford, so again I am stuck. I can't afford anything for myself at this point.
Ok so I am babbling now but I am scared to death. He said he would go to marriage counseling. And I am looking into that but something has to break here and I am so afraid that it is going to be me. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Well...
the first thing I would do is find an Alanon group.
Second... I would get information on a local Womens shelter
go talk to them as to options in your area.
Prayers that you and your children find safety and peace
the first thing I would do is find an Alanon group.
Second... I would get information on a local Womens shelter
go talk to them as to options in your area.
Prayers that you and your children find safety and peace
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
When is enough, enough?
There are options for you, family, friends and yes a women group or shelter.
Nobody wants a divorce. But when that so-called fairy tale is in a reality a nightmare, you should take that hit and be thankful that that it didn’t take something more devastating to wake you up.
Both of you do not need to live under this dark shadow.
There are options for you, family, friends and yes a women group or shelter.
Nobody wants a divorce. But when that so-called fairy tale is in a reality a nightmare, you should take that hit and be thankful that that it didn’t take something more devastating to wake you up.
Both of you do not need to live under this dark shadow.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
This is a terrible environment for you and a terrible environment to try and raise a child. I agree with Mr. C., the fairy tale romance that you've created in your mind has become a nightmare. Am I correct in assuming that your husband is the caretaker for your son while you're at work? If so, it's probably safe to assume that he's under the influence of alcohol while doing so. When it comes to alcoholics, I've learned that it's safe to assume that they are ALWAYS under the influence of alcohol. They simply can't go very long without feeding their addiction. During times when he appears sober you, he's probably well over the legal limit.
In addition to finding an Alanon meeting in your area, I'd suggest that you stop telling us and yourself what's NOT possible and begin to think about what IS possible. The older I get, the more I realize this:
"Whether you think you can or you think you can't, either way, you're usually right."
Good thing Henry Ford realized this, because if he listened to everyone who told him his goals were impossible, we'd all be walking today.
I raised my daughter alone on a salary of $11,700 a year without any child support or subsidies of any kind. I found reliable, affordable daycare and was able to work full-time. With determination and the power of positive thinking, we turned our once meager existence into one where we lack for nothing.
Why set yourself up for failure by setting your sights so low? Why not set your sights high? The sky's the limit.
And while you're learning a better way to live through Alanon, I'd suggest that you also work on getting your finances in order and start a savings plan. And while you might not be able to stand on your own two feet today, if you focus on your goals and work towards achieving them every day, you'll be out that door in no time.
Don't let your husband's threats that he'll seek custody of your son worry you. No judge will award custody to an alcoholic. So start documenting his behavior and drinking habits so when you appear before the judge you'll be presenting facts, not just conjecture.
Best of luck to you.
In addition to finding an Alanon meeting in your area, I'd suggest that you stop telling us and yourself what's NOT possible and begin to think about what IS possible. The older I get, the more I realize this:
"Whether you think you can or you think you can't, either way, you're usually right."
Good thing Henry Ford realized this, because if he listened to everyone who told him his goals were impossible, we'd all be walking today.
I raised my daughter alone on a salary of $11,700 a year without any child support or subsidies of any kind. I found reliable, affordable daycare and was able to work full-time. With determination and the power of positive thinking, we turned our once meager existence into one where we lack for nothing.
Why set yourself up for failure by setting your sights so low? Why not set your sights high? The sky's the limit.
And while you're learning a better way to live through Alanon, I'd suggest that you also work on getting your finances in order and start a savings plan. And while you might not be able to stand on your own two feet today, if you focus on your goals and work towards achieving them every day, you'll be out that door in no time.
Don't let your husband's threats that he'll seek custody of your son worry you. No judge will award custody to an alcoholic. So start documenting his behavior and drinking habits so when you appear before the judge you'll be presenting facts, not just conjecture.
Best of luck to you.
Last edited by FormerDoormat; 08-26-2007 at 08:26 AM.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
Very sorry to hear about your hard times in what appears to be an unhealthy situation.
You said he agreed to go to marriage counseling and that you're looking into that. If you find a counselor you both like it could help but HE has to be receptive to working on the marriage too. You can't fix it by yourself. Try not to get hooked into doing all the work trying to save the marriage.
If he's in denial and won't agree to work an AA program to quit drinking in addition to the marriage counseling then imo the situation looks bleak. He'll just keep the chaos going round and round, being abusive, making threats about taking the child and on and on.
First, I would definately check into local Alanon for myself and attend a meeting. I just started going and it helps me alot.
Second, Find out what kind of assistance is offered in your State in case you do need to get divorced. You might be eligible as a single parent for health benefits for children, low income housing, food stamps, day care, legal assistance that as a married person/ combined incomes your not eligible for. Sometimes when one door closes others open up. It could help you get started working toward a new life if the marriage fails. I'm not trying to sound negative, but just saying to research all options available for you and your child.
I'm struggling with a failing marriage myself right now. It's hard. Maybe there is hope for you and your husband, but at least if you have the information for help you would need, it won't be so hard if you have to face making changes.
Third, remember there is hope and keep posting because you're not alone.
You said he agreed to go to marriage counseling and that you're looking into that. If you find a counselor you both like it could help but HE has to be receptive to working on the marriage too. You can't fix it by yourself. Try not to get hooked into doing all the work trying to save the marriage.
If he's in denial and won't agree to work an AA program to quit drinking in addition to the marriage counseling then imo the situation looks bleak. He'll just keep the chaos going round and round, being abusive, making threats about taking the child and on and on.
First, I would definately check into local Alanon for myself and attend a meeting. I just started going and it helps me alot.
Second, Find out what kind of assistance is offered in your State in case you do need to get divorced. You might be eligible as a single parent for health benefits for children, low income housing, food stamps, day care, legal assistance that as a married person/ combined incomes your not eligible for. Sometimes when one door closes others open up. It could help you get started working toward a new life if the marriage fails. I'm not trying to sound negative, but just saying to research all options available for you and your child.
I'm struggling with a failing marriage myself right now. It's hard. Maybe there is hope for you and your husband, but at least if you have the information for help you would need, it won't be so hard if you have to face making changes.
Third, remember there is hope and keep posting because you're not alone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 174
Well I have done a little bit of research this morning on trying to find a counselor and trying to look up what benefits I would be eligible for. I have only worked three days this year so it's hard telling what I would be eligible for. But as far as him keeping the kids while I work he hasn't. I have always worked at the same time he is so that grandparents can keep them on that Saturday, so he didn't have to.
Denny~ When I said that I stayed for a few I only meant that I stayed a little while longer. I do not drink in the presence of my kids or at home.
Denny~ When I said that I stayed for a few I only meant that I stayed a little while longer. I do not drink in the presence of my kids or at home.
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