redbear

Me and my husband have became actively in AA, Alanon. I am having trouble with trying to let go of the control, Some of my life experiences when I was younger was very out of my control. And I turned to control and I tried to control my husbands drinking, by any means possible; guilt, anger, nagging(as I heard I nag very well)lol. Can I please ask of you; "How did you let go of that control of someone elses behaviour and life, and still be wanting your marriage to work out. I love him so much, We are less 1yr marriage but Ryan(lets call him) has been in my life for 20 yrs of a loving friendship. I can't imagine my life without him.

Thank you for your wisdom.
Best Regards,

Red Bear

Wascally Wabbit

One of the things I learned about how to not control others is my own response to them. I have never came out on top in an arguement with an addict or an alcoholic.

Yep, when the A is in full blown insanity, instead of arguing, talking, reasoning, begging and pleading etc with the A, I simply do not respond. Period.

I have practiced this and it works. I do not have to be in control of another person. I can not be in control of a situation that is out of control. I can have control over my self by not responding.

I found that all the old behaviors I had in the past (and still work on today) never worked. I always ended up feeling worse. I threw some of the most scariest psycopathic fit pitches from hell, and it never did one single thing to make any thing better. Instead it did the opposite. It invited an insane response from the A, and it made my head hurt and drained me of every ounce of energy.

There are many things to learn in alanon. Add them up and you have a once again sane person who can withstand the tornados when they come. It whirls all around you, but doesn't blow you down.
I am learning to take better care of myself now.

ICU

Through many successes, and failures, I am still learning about letting go of control. It's difficult to say the least. Melody Beattie books on codependency have helped me out tremendously. Alanon is another avenue to investigate as WW mentioned above.

It takes a lot of hard 'inside work' to realize where one person ends, and I begin. I try to keep a visual of that in my mind at all times.

Again, it's a constant battle for me, but, awareness is half of the battle already won!

splendra

The thing I try the hardest to control is my H's spending on dope. He gives me his money then proceeds to weedle it back into his pocket. I know it is a catch-22. If I don't take his money he will spend every dime of it on dope and if I do I will hear him BS on how he needs to buy this, that or, the other. I go back and forth with it. It mostly depends on what bills need to be paid. I don't like it one little bit though and one day I think soon I will be done with the whole situation.

The money thing is the only thing I attempt to control but it is still very hard on my nerves and he knows it.

respektingme

If my AH wants something from me or wants to have a serious talk, he'd better be sober for at least a week. Otherwise, nothing he says counts and I won't listen to him. I finally figured out that he is a huge manipulator when he's actively drinking (including when he's not actually drunk). Listening to him brought me way down. Now I flip the switch off. If he wants to have a talk with me, the bottle had better be long gone.

AskingWhy

My AW is a huge manipulator too. I can relate to being brought down. There isn't ever a conversation we have that doesn't get bogged down by her going on and on about how tired she is...how sick she feels...how much she is physically hurting...how bad finances are.....and/or telling me I'm worthless....among other things. I'm to the point I'm even scared to talk to her because if I do it sets her off....however, NOT talking sets her off even more.

She also is very very good at pushing my buttons. I try like hell not to say stuff back, but so many times I get tired of her accusations and in defending myself it just makes it all worse.

respektingme

"She also is very very good at pushing my buttons. I try like hell not to say stuff back, but so many times I get tired of her accusations and in defending myself it just makes it all worse."

I know exactly how this feels. I used to argue with AH. We never had huge arguments, because after a while he'd say something pretty hurtful and I'd retreat like a shrinking violet. I HATE HATE HATE how alcoholics can be "so honest" when they are drinking. AH could say things to me on a level that I'd never ever consider going to with him. Then who wins the argument? He does. Man, tell me I'm a fat, lazy slob and I won't say another word. What a tool. Made me want to drink a 6-pack myself so I could say equally hurtful things back. Oh, and I'd sit and think about a few that I know would really cut him to the quick. I could too. I've repeated the sentences in my head over and over and over again. Ones that would make him feel lower than scum.

Must have been the codie in me. We're still both pretty new to this recovery thing. But right off the bat, through Alanon I realized that I absolutely don't deserve that crap, nor do I have to tolerate it. I'm not a sponge ready to absorb his hurtful words. I'm a human being who has the power to walk out, put my hand up, scream "Get away from me!", call the cops, whatever. I don't have to a) listen, and more importantly b) BELIEVE.

I think email is a great tool. AH can get mad, use his tactics and I'll end the fight. Then I'll spend a few hours putting together an email the next day, trying to stick to the subject and void of too many emotions and fire it off. Beats drinking a 6-pack and telling him what I really think about .....

AskingWhy

I do the email too...or have in the past. But she only gets that and then turns it all around too....so it doesn't work here.