BlindManBluffed

Hi.

I just found out this past Saturday that my wife has been an alcoholic for the past 6+ years. She went into the DTs while we were on a road trip and hadn't been able to secretly drink. I had recently started to suspect something was up, but had no clue that she could have been drinking for so long.

I am only just starting to feel my way through what I am doing - getting familiar with the idea of codependency (I see some signs in myself, even though I wasn't aware of what I was enabling). However, I have an immediate problem to figure out and don't know what to do about it.

Obviously, my wife is in a difficult place right now - she is now out of detox and is about to enter a recovery program. However, this weekend my mother and sister (whom my wife has developed a pretty serious dislike for over the years) will be visiting this weekend. My wife does not want them to know about her alcoholism - she says that me telling them will interfere with her recovery as she is not close at all with them and doesn't want to have to face them if they know.

On the other hand, I still have a good relationship (although it has become more distant in recent years). This is the biggest thing that has happened in my life since my children were born and is also pretty tough for me - I want to share it with my family and discuss it with them. Not telling them feels like hiding things for my wife, which kind of seems like a codependent behaviour. On the other hand, perhaps telling them is the wrong thing to do - interfering with my wife's recovery is not something I want to do. My wife's mother (who was married to my wife's alcoholic father for many years until finally leaving him) agrees with my wife - which gives her extra ammo in one way, and yet less in another. I say this because some of the things that I am aware of my mother-in-law having done when married to my wife's father seem pretty clearly codependent, so perhaps her statement that she would never dream of informing someone in her family is a "codependent" kind of thing.

Anyway, I have agreed to not discuss this immediately with my mother and sister before or during their weekend visit. However, whether I will talk with them about this in the longer term is still on the table. I expect some "significant debate" about it. Does anyone have any sage advice?

Patrick

Jhana

Oh dear. But thanks for the honesty and warmth of your post. Others will be along soon with help; I share your wife's problem so I kinda don't know what you should do here...

Hugs, Jhana

denny57

welcome, pj, glad you're here!

I solved that problem by attending Al-Anon. I tell people I am in recovery. It isn't my place to tell people AH is alcoholic; I can say, though, that his drinking was a problem for me. I learned over time that my old ways of sharing info with people was to get them on "my side." Today I speak honestly about what is going on in my life. I invite in those who I feel can understand and share with me their wisdom of dealing with alcoholism - those people tend to be the ones I meet in Al-Anon; they've lived it, too.

What is your motivation for sharing this information with your mother and sister?

ARealLady

Hi Patrick and welcome!

You acknowledge that your wife does not have a good relationship with your mother and sister. She might feel that your desire to "inform on her" is only going to give them more ammunition against her. Your relationship is with your wife. Please respect HER wishes. I am not an A or a recovering A but I did have a long marriage to a man who felt that his parents were allowed to know everything about us. Are you going to Alanon to help you? There is where you can unburden safely and respect your wife's wishes both now and in the future.

Your mother and sister are not moving in with you. Surely you and your wife can come up with plans for a weekend visit which will keep everybody entertained and happy without getting into stuff which is way too personal IMO and nothing to do with your mother and sister.

ARL

atalose

I think you should enjoy your short visit with your mother and sister, nothing has to be spoken this weekend about your wife or her being an alcoholic. As you said it's still on the table, nothing says you need to make a decision today on telling your family just because they are coming to visit for a few days.

You wife and you both have long roads of recovery ahead, begin that journey first, focus on that not on who should know. You need support just like your wife but right now the support you need is with others going through the same thing like in al-anon.

BlindManBluffed

Thanks for the thoughtful words.

I honestly don't think I am trying to get people on "my side". I guess the issue is that I have been increasingly isolated from my family due to my wife's issues with them. I feel that this development is strongly linked to her alcoholism - certainly the timeline of when this animosity developed parallels the time that she has says she has been drinking. I am tired of making excuses of why she has not been along to visit or why they can't drop by when coming through town or why we can't go to visit them - I sure have been busy with work in recent years! My massively escalating marital problems have been something I have been trying to deal with in isolation and I honestly feel a need to bring my parents and sister into knowledge of what my life is - the false front has been up for a long time.

I am not motivated by a wish to "spill the beans" on my wife, but to communicate with my family about me, about how I am feeling and about what I am going through, which I am finding pretty difficult. I know it is not as difficult as my wife's fledgling recovery, but it still feels pretty hard.

I do want to begin going to Al-Anon meetings (just got back from the road trip vacation/impromptu detox today). But I guess I feel that sharing with my family is important to me.

Anyway, as I said in the posting I have agreed to not discuss it with them on this visit - I don't want to do anything precipitously. Hopefully my wife will actually talk to me about how both she and I feel and we can come to an agreement.

Some more initial questions I have - if I know my wife, she will procrastinate on going to meetings and on going regularly. I get the feeling that an alcoholic just starting recovery should be going frequently (daily?). I know I shouldn't try to make her go or anything - codependent warning! - but should I inform her of when meetings are in the area and what a "typical" frequency is? Should I "set limits" like, if you're not in treatment - going to meetings on a certain frequency - I don't want you in the house? Or should I just see what she does and if she really tries to get help? How do I decide what is helping and what is controlling? How do I decide what a reasonable limit is? And should I go with her if she wants me to?

I know that was about 25 questions, but I also have another. We have two daughters: almost 9 and almost 11. They know that mum has been sick in hospital. I don't think they are aware of her drinking. What (if anything) should they be told and when?

Sorry for the barrage.

Patrick

Jhana

I guess what I would add here is just that you have begun a journey-which only your wife and you can understand. People bring so many of their own experiences with "alcoholism" to the table, and believe me-it is not simple.

There is much to learn here- and much that your wife is not responsible for. What you CAN do is begin to deal with the problem, and you sound like you have a quiet wisdom to do that.

Jhana

hadenoughnow

I would respect your wife's wishes (at least for now), your family probably knows or guesses a lot more than you think they do anyway.

My AH always thought he had everyone fooled too (except me), guess what? They realized he had a serious problem before I did.

Jhana

Patrick-sorry, I posted before I saw yours. No answers, but I will say that AA has OD (open discussion) meetings that both you and your wife can attend.

For much of my sobriety I lived in a small town and it was not at all uncommon to have both alcoholics and their non-alcoholic partners at the same meetings. In fact we often would arrange for dinner before or after.

I know this sounds like a frightening journey, but it also has great rewards. Best to you and your wife.

Jhana

LarryATL

HI Patrick. We're in a similar situation - my wife has been an A for about the same length of time. She's been through rehab 8 months ago but unfortunately relapsed and is now active again. Ive been told that this is not that unusual, that most people don't find sobriety necessarily after one trip through a rehab facility. I hope that your wife does, but keep in mind that she might not.

Regarding your question, I too faced the same dilemma both with my family and with hers. I chose to respect my wife's wishes for as long as I could. What changed was my son "spilled the beans" with her family - you can't control what the kids say. At some point your daughters will likely do the same - perhaps sooner than you think. My guess (based on my experience) is that your 11 year old already knows what the problem really is and your 9 year old might, too.

I have been going to Alanon f2f meetings for 8 months and it has been an enormous help to me. I would strongly recommend that you try f2f meetings, use and read the literature, etc.

You and your wife have a long journey ahead and its not an easy one. I have begun to use boundaries the last few months and am finding this helps, but it's tricky to find the right ones and to stick by them.

As several others have pointed out remember to take care of yourself and your kids - that is of paramount importance.

Hope this helps.

Larry

respektingme

Patrick,

Please go to Alanon. You're looking for support, and hoping to get it from your family. Unless they've walked in your shoes, it's not the support you need. You are a grown man. At this point in time, your loyalties are to your immediate family. You need help dealing with this and the place to get it is Alanon. The only thing you'll do by telling your family, is continue to give them ammo against your wife. And your wife will retaliate by hating them even more.

Trust me. My AH used to tell his mother and sister crap about me. Well, it's come back to haunt him now. Because I finally had enough and won't speak to his mother. Now, he can divorce me if he doesn't like it, but I've had enough of being around them and I don't feel bad a bit. He created this hostile situation. So, he's no longer in a position of telling me how I should act around them. If he had been loyal to me, he could have maintained a terrific relationship with them as his secondary family, and me and the kids as his first. Since he didn't, he has proven to me that they come first. I'll be damned if I'm going to reward that behavior by going around them and watching them gloat (which they do).

So, better to keep the chatter to a minimum for your own sake. Your AW could get help, she could go to meetings, she could become the wife you want. But if she finds out later that you betrayed her, the consequences could suck for you. Not worth it.

harleygirl92156

Hi, sorry you are going through this. Remember to take care of you and your kids first!

In my opinion, if your wife ask you not to tell your mother and sister you should respect her wishes (for now).

As for the (for now) it would seem to me if she has a successful rehap and recovery, it would be her place to talk to them and explain the situation when she makes her amends and if she is working a good program that will happen.........IN HER TIME NOT YOURS.

If you need support, someone to talk to and people who truely understand what you are going through, GO TO AL ANON.

If there is tension between your mom, sister and wife, what purpose will it serve for you to tell them what is going on. I wouldn't lie, but simply determine not to discuss it with them if ask. It isn't a matter of hiding it from them, it is a matter of respecting your wife and her wishes. I can see no good coming from telling them at this time. Let her work on herself and her recovery and allow her to take care of the matter in her own way and in her own time.

When my husband was in recovery, I fielded phone calls from his family several times a week. They live in another state 12 hours away, so had no idea any of this was going on. When I took him to the treatment center he only ask one thing of me and that was that I not tell his family. His reason, he father was very ill, very very ill, and he didn't want to upset him or put any more burden on his mother. He said he wanted to tell them himself and in person. I understood his reason, and he made arrangements with the recovery center, who by the way agreed with his reasoning, that if I called and left a message for him to call his mother the message would be given to him immediately and he would be allowed to call her immediately. Since he was in treatment over Christmas and New Years, this was something that happened often. I was very careful not to lie to his family, and simply told them he wasn't home when they called, but he would call them back when he was available. He told him mom six months later when we went for a visit, but he never burdened his father with the information due to extreme illness. His mom understood why we did what we did and appreciated our motives, she was also very proud of her son and his then 6 months of sobriety. It would have not helped his recovery for me to burden his already stressed out mom and ill father with the information and it really wasn't my place to do so, it was his. He worked his program and made his amends in a way that he hurt no one. If I had interferred and gone against his wishes, he parents would have had an unecessary extra burden dumped on them at a time they didnt need it and it would have hurt them.

That is how we handled the situation, but everyone is different and must do what is best for them, that includes you. I just wanted to share how we handled it as an example, every family is different and handles things differently. You do what feels best for you, but really think about your motives before you make a decision. Are you doing it because it is best for all involved or is there an underlying revenge motive?? Think about that carefully when making your decision.

By the way, my husband's father was holding his sons 9 month chip in his hand when he was buried. My husband couldn't burden his ill father with his alcoholism while he was alive, but found a way to share it with him and make his amends to his dad in his own way. They are both at peace.

Best of luck, pray for guidance from your higher power, THINK and listen to the subtle messages he gives you.........they come in some unusual venues.
God Bless

HockeyMom

Patrick - you have a difficult road ahead of you, but not impossible.

I love the AA sayings "One Day at a Time" and "Easy Does It"
I found them really important for maintaining my sanity. You can't fix this situation, so set short-term goals for yourself.

GET INFORMED - understanding alcoholism is really important. I talked about getting to mtgs a long time before I actually went. I regret this very much.
**Look initially for Al-Alon speaker meetings AND AA open speaker meetings.
**Get a copy of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (avail at AA mtgs) and read it yourself. It's a real eye-opener.

I recently posted some thoughts that may be encouraging for you
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...er-myself.html

Barbara52

I have a different POV than those who are saying don't talk to your family about it. I think honesty in my relationships is necessary for me and the health of those relationships.

My AH hasn't told his mother that I left him let alone that he has a drinking problem. His daughters know I left but not why. On the other hand, my sons, my brothers, my close friends know what happened any why. I believe honesty is necessary in good relationships. I could not have the close relationships I have with the people I named if I were hiding what is going on in my life. I could not get their support if I was hding the truth.

I will not tell my AH's mother since I've never had a close relationship with her, she's in her mid 80s and I rarely talk to her. If I see my step daughters, I will not lie to them and allow them to think I left their father lightly. They likely suspect anyway since they aren't stupid and know their father is an alcoholic and has been out of work for 2 yrs without seriously job hunting.

I can understand from the POV of the alcoholic that they don't want they problems discussed lightly.

But from the POV of the spouse of an AH, its very different. I need the support, good counsel and love of those I trust and cannot really get that without being honest. I ddin't used to talk to people because I was embarrased by AH, his drinking, his failures, and my failure to deal with it as I knew in my gut I had to. I am no longer embarrassed. I did nothing wrong. AH may be embarrassed by his difficulties but he is the only one who can deal those problems, not me.

denny57

There was something that happened in my life which I asked my husband to never discuss with his family. I discovered he did. It changed our relationship forever.

The original poster states he just discovered himself that is wife is alcoholic. If that is the only fact I wished to share with my family, I'd have to question why. I took the post at face value - if there are other issues here - isolation, abuse, child endangerment, etc. it would change things in my opinion.

I believe if someone is making an earnest attempt at sobriety and recovery and asked me not to discuss it with anyone, I would not.

prodigal

Welcome, pjr, I'm glad you're here. I can only share my own experience, and it's not pretty. My AH is currently laying in bed "sick." Yes, he is quite ill - with the disease of alcoholism. He's coming off a 10-day bender in which he ate little but consumed what appeared (at least what I saw in front of my own eyes) 5-plus bottles of wine every 24 hours, pretty much around-the-clock; with the exception, of course, of when he was passed out drunk. I went about my own business and left him to his addiction.

I have never spoken to his family about his addiction. He is not close to them at all, for the obvious reason. I truly doubt they are aware of his drinking problem. It's his problem and it's his family, so it's up to him to address it or not to address it with them. My family is aware of his alcoholism because they have been treated to seeing it up close and personal. They have nothing to do with him any longer.

I've lived through three detox/rehabs and several rounds of outpatient treatment and AA meetings with my AH. He remained sober while locked up, but once left to his own devices he was consistently drunk again within three weeks of being released. I did all the legwork to get our insurance company to get him into two of the facilities. I also became so crazy from my codependency that I actually drove him when he was half-trashed to an AA meeting. The final one he ever attended.

No, I don't discuss his problem with him. I found that was the quickest route to an all-out war or a defensive attitude or turning the tables and blaming me for all sorts of off-the-wall stuff. I have visited the land of lunacy far too often. Today, I am at peace with myself. My AH has the right to drink himself to death, and it appears that will be the case. I cannot stop it, nor will I do anything any longer to prevent him from his right to do what he wishes to do.

I see nothing wrong with you discussing with your own family YOUR business. If that includes discussing your wife's alcoholism and your reaction to it, fine. Your motivation appears to be to seek support from your family rather than having people choose sides - fine. We can have compassion for the A in our lives and discuss them with compassion to others. If you want to give your wife the number of the local AA council, I think that's okay. However, it's up to her to pick up the phone and make the necessary calls and get a schedule of meetings.

I attempted to help and support my AH to a point. When I realized he did not wish to seek sobriety, I had to let him go. It was difficult and took time, but I could no longer bear the anguish and frustration of trying to get him to see the light. His choices, his consequences. Sad, but true.

denny57

Alcoholics are not the only ones who suffer consequences for forcing their way. I would proceed with caution.

Ok, I'm done with this topic LOL.

guyinNC

Your situation sounds similar to mine. My XAW was a closet drinker, and I was not really aware of how bad her drinking was until things completely went out of control. DWI's, rehab , infidelity......divorce.

A good friend of mine, who is a mental health counselor, marital therapist told me at the beginning what to expect........I did not believe him, but I later found out it was true.

He told me......Alcoholics lie, thats what they do. She will continue to drink, regardless of the consequences to you or her children, until she finds a bottom....which could be her death or the death of others. She will find those enable her and blame you for her problems. She will blame your family and will not tolerate their concerns for you or your children. She will hang out with low lifes at bars, and may cheat on you.

In my case, all this came true. I asked him later, how did he know? He said the pattern is the same in almost all cases.

You must protect yourself and your children. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. The financial stakes are high. If she wrecks a car while driving under the influence, it could bankrupt you. Worse she could kill the kids or other innocents. Alcoholism is genetically linked....so the children must be told of the dangers of drinking...at the appropriate age.

There is always hope.........but her illness must be brought of the dark and into the light. Covering up for her must end. But only she can stop drinking and she must want it very badly to stop. Meanwhile, your duty is to your children and yourself.

elizabeth1979

Hi Patrick,

In hindsight, I wish I hadn't said anything to my family about my ex's drinking. He didnt hide it well, so they 'knew' anyway. Although, I wish I would have let it be his issue. My parents wanted to discuss it constantly after they knew..whch wasnt helpful as they didnt like him to begin with.

I can really relate to this and this is how I felt when I chose to tell them. I realize now, I was motivated to explain something to them, to justify my behavior. I thought it was codepemdemt to hide this for him..in actuality, I wasnt hiding anything, just not volunteering information for the sake of getting it off MY chest. I came here and talked about it and went to al-anon instead.

Best of luck

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, patrick. i'm glad your wife is seeking treatment and that you are finding some answers here.

maybe once she gets into her recovery program, you can do some counseling to help resolve this issue.

keep posting! k