gns

I was just thinking about why I chose to be with someone who didn't really treat me well.

I think I partly felt like I wanted (still want?) a trophy ex. A "catch" of a guy that will make me feel better about myself. Turns out he wasn't really that much of a catch. I am worried that I still want that.

I would appreciate any insight or thoughts about this topic.

Astro

Let's see, I had a bank account, a good job, a home, car, and I guess in 1994 I was pretty handsome.

What I was hiding was that I was a lying, cunning, manipulating, and abusive alcoholic.

Not sure about being a trophy, but I know for certain I was no prize.

good_luck

Hey. I can relate to that. Here's an idea. Maybe it has something to do with people who hate themselves selling themselves really hard, and falling for that hype.

And maybe it has to do with the deluded sort of state you often put yourself in just to cope with loving someone so disappointing. Like, I think I focused soooo hard on the good things that they seemed like great things so that they made up for the other things?

I think that that those things might just add up to a bizarre and stubborn belief that you have the greatest treasure ever, even despite.

And thanks, because writing that out made me feel better myself! I've never thought of that before.

respektingme

My AH is very good looking. I used to be so puzzled over the past several years, as to why he had such a low image of himself. Up until we got together, I dated guys who were good looking, but full of themselves. They weren't alcoholics either.

I don't know how many times I've seen my AH drunk and just crying his eyes out. So sad.

Astro, 1994 wasn't THAT long ago, lol. Don't know what looks have to do with anything, other than the fact that I used to put a lot of stock into them.

Wascally Wabbit

I had a guy like that. Once the relationship was over for good, I could look back and see what a jerk and a loser this guy really was.

prodigal

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What some person considers a "trophy" others might consider "trash." Okay, six-pack abs and perfectly chiseled features equals a hunk. I had a gf who once loved entering a crowded room on the arm of a Navy pilot who was drop-dead gorgeous. He ended up dumping her and marrying some other woman six weeks after they met.

JMO, but you probably picked a guy with looks who didn't treat you well because your self-esteem is shaky. Just a hunch on my part. Regardless of my opinion or anyone else's, most importantly - why do YOU think you picked such a man and may continue to do so? What do you think you can do for you that will keep this from happening next time around?

best

I read a line once that gave an answer.

A nice tan equal either a lifegaurd or someone without a job that can spend all their time at the beach.

Things are not always what they look to be.

hbb

My ex was very handsome, he was on the football team back in high school when i first met him, in shape, popular. Well let me tell you, the day things ended i thought to myself "he looks good", but after what came out of his mouth, the lies, the cheating, the hiding and yelling, HE WAS EXTREMELY UGLY!!!! The interior immediately out weighted the exterior !! Looks only go so far!

GiveLove

For a long time I was very attracted to men who had great looks, great charisma, great intelligence, or just men that EVERYBODY swooned over, felt they were a real catch. Having them be attracted to me proved that I was a worthwhile person...after all, I had THEM, right?

It took a long time to see myself as worthwhile in and of myself: In my best moments I know I'm smart, funny, kind to a fault, a great cook, spiritual, stable, loyal as can be, good in bed, athletic, supportive, relaxed, and the kind of person that people consider themselves lucky to call a friend. (don't ask me about my worst moments)

When I started to see myself as a worthwhile trophy, then I stopped getting caught in the trap of tying my ego to somebody else's social cachet. I've stopped worrying about whether I'm as attractive as supermodels and music video girls. I just don't give a sh*t any more.

It took a looonnnng time though It was all a function of self-worth, really, for me. I believe now that I'm a good person. And that trophy of an addict? Somebody else's problem now. They can polish it

GL

ICU

GNS: Figuring this out was key, or like clicking my ruby-red slippers together! In my situation, I had to revisit my childhood for that is where I learned to accept the unacceptable as far as abusive treatment went. Although I didn't like being abused, it was all I knew. Aren't 'all families like this? Of course, that carried over to most of the friendships and romantic relationships I developed years later.

I didn't know I had 'choices' until a little over 2 years ago....that I could leave if someone wasn't treating me right. (That's over 3/4 of my life spent in miserable situations). My childhood lessons taught me that 'you stick it out no matter what' and if you don't, 'you're a quitter/loser' (that was my Dad's daily reminder to us kids). Gosh, I've said this so many times, I hope that it doesn't sound like I'm putting all responsibility for my later choices and actions on them. But, that 'is' where it all began.

Perhaps GNS you might think about the first time you accepted unacceptable behavior. How old where you? Who was it that first treated you badly? etc. It's worth a look for sure.

And....this I found to be very true as well....

Hbb: I remember having similar thoughts and feelings about my ex. On the outside, man, could he set my heart aflutter, but later on in the relationship, and his decline, I no longer saw the handsome exterior. His face actual changed when under the influence and was spewing out unthinkable comments. The love and laughter that use to shine from his eyes disappeared and was replaced by evil at it's worst! Very scary at times.

hbb

Yup, for me i remember the last night that my ex was drinking before he agreed to AA, he was like nothing i've ever seen. First off i couldn't find him from 3 p.m. till midnight and when i did he kicked his truck, flipped out, drove off at about 125 mph and it was the FIRST time i said that i wasn't going to follow him....HE'S NOT MY PROBLEM. And your right, alcohol really ages and changes a person. That person i met in high school 17 years ago has really really changed

sunshine321

An alcoholic under the influence in a stupor is anything but good looking. The distortion of facial expressions alone is enough to stop me in my tracks. The stuff that comes out of their mouths, angry, ugly, mean and untrue hurtful words just to get back and attack could turn anyone ugly.

My abf too is a good looking man. He was extremely attractive in high school and his 20s. I had such a long time crush on him. And he was so charming, intelligent, kind, loving, open, honest, had integrity and morals. Boy he really presented himself as the whole package. Trophy for me? Nah, I truly liked the person he offered to me. But then a few months later, it was a totally different person. The dark side. His evil twin. Whatever you want to call it. It's amazing that two people can live inside one. I don't understand the concept. I think I was in shock for a long time because the evil twin would only occassionally make his appearence. Well two years later (in Nov.) the evil twin and the sweet and charming twin are out equally. I can see it won't take long for the evil twin to take over full time. It's so sad.

Are you looking for another trophy to aid your self-esteem? That sounds like a soul searching question only you can answer if you are honest with yourself. If the answer is yes, don't look for anyone for a long while until you feel better about yourself and know that you do not need someone to make you feel good about you. People aren't accessories. Go buy a pair of shoes or a pocketbook for that. You need to know that you are a good and whole person all on your own. You don't need another to fill that emptiness. Only you can fill that. I tell that to my abf all the time. There is no one who can fill his gapping hole. It's an impossible task. Only he can do that for himself. I think we all have a hole inside and it's our job to figure out what's missing and fill it up. JMO.

Jenny

ladyjane

This thread reminds me of something my mother used to say.

"Beauty ain't what makes the pot boil, baby".
___________
Trish

atalose

You are right it has everything to do with making yourself feel better. Being with someone good looking and considered a catch by others would make you feel good. It's as if they are saying WOW, you rock, look at that arm candy your holding onto!!

You have to work on feeling comfortable with yourself, work on getting to the point where people might say wow, your a really good person I'm glad you got rid of those jerks you were dating....... you deserve far better.......

Joeybear

Hmmm, maybe it is like a few have said, that it is your self fullfilling prophesy because you dont like yourself and his behaviour towards you just validates what you already feel about yourself? Maybe that type just gives you the ability to say see, I am unloveable. I can relate because this is true for me and is something I work on in my life.