ICU

...is sort of like saving the ship while letting the passengers drown".

That is one of the most life-altering, profound, inspirational quotes I have ever heard. It literally saved my life! Can anyone else relate?

cagefree

yeah - phyrric (sp?) victory big time

chero

I hope to relate someday, ICU, but right now I can't remember why the ship was sinking in the first place.

best

I would disagree.

Saving a marriage that can be saved is always worth it but it requires great amount of effort, prayer, and time.

Trying to save a marriage with No recovery skills is like a sinking ship. More like drilling holes in the bottom of the boat to let the water out.

With a solid understanding of a good working recovery program and ...Holding boundaries as a person stays in a marriage one day at a time.... can be worth it in the long run.
Some relationships can be more damaging to stay ... and boundaries placed as needed would tell a person if their relationship is of that kind.
An abusive relationship where the abuse continues no matter the boundary is not a healthly learning environment for anyone and it only teaches children that abuse is acceptable.
Each relationship needs be evaluated and boundaries put in place to see what is the better choice. Not all ships sink. Some do make it to a safe port and get rebuilt.

HockeyMom

"Saving a bad marriage (or relationship).....is sort of like saving the ship while
letting the passengers drown".

I think you have to take a good long look at what it is you're saving. Are you married to a bad person, or a person who has been making bad choices? What is their heart?

My AH, at the worst point in his addiction still protected us, loved us, respected the boundaries, never raised a hand to me or the kids, treated us with respect and was my friend. Our relationship was worth saving.

However, his addiction got really bad. Really really bad. He lost his job and continued somehow (three guesses, first two don't count) to party for days on end. I began to feel concern for the safety of myself and the children. That's where I drew a firm line in the sand. We separated. I took the children before we had any crazy stories to tell.

And yes, through effort, prayer, hard work and time, my AH did prove that he was serious about recovery. But again, I had to see solid evidence

ICU

When I went through those moments (which I think most everybody does at some point), my counselor would remind me to play 'the whole tape' through....'see the whole picture', not just the good bits and pieces that I was clinging to.

'Pleasant memories' are good to have, but, they can also be confusing as they don't tell the 'whole' story!

ICU

Best and HockeyMom,

Yup, I totally agree that you have to do a lot of required preliminary assessment work and give ample time (as appropriate) to implement certain changes, boundaries, etc. before making the decision as to whether or not the relation'ship' or it's passengers should be saved.

Grasshopper

I didnt know.
I thought it was the end of our marriage.
I thought our kids would be damaged,if i staying in this marriage.
All that i --thought----was false.
When i let go and let God,everything changed.
I let Him be the director in my life.
What was hopeless,bore fruit,and grew into something good,for our whole family.
This is how it worked out for us.
When God is in charge,anything can happen.
Asking only for His will to be done.
Like an elder said to me just the other day,when i was young i knew alot.Today i just dont know,i ask God,instead.What direction,what needs to be done,,if anything,,etc,,etc..
All my probelsm have had,and are today having spiritual solutions,,

Wascally Wabbit

I can see the codie frantically plugging all the holes in the boat while two more pop up. The codie gets completely worn out "doing all the work" and the boat sinks anyway.

Yes, it is a very profound piece of philosophy. It really makes me think about my own situation with my entire family.

ICU

I love that visual WW. It brought back the memory of when I was in my friends boat. We were on the ocean and my feet were under water. I kept trying to tell my friends that there's too much water in the boat and something must be wrong. They laughed at me and told me I didn't know what I was talking about. Well, finally it dawned on them, after we went through 'both' tanks of gas (I guess) that we were in fact sinking. And there we were....bailing frantically, but still drifting further and further out to sea...and sinking!

I wonder if that was a fortelling of what was yet to come somewhere down the road for me.