cinderellawkids

When reading todays reading in my one day at a time in alanon,I learned an important lesson for today. It said:

Today's reminder

Do I habitualy wear my martyr face to remind my spouse what a hard time he's giving me? Or do I try to lift his spirits-already so depressed by guilt and confusion? will I try-really try-from now on, to be pleasant and a bit gay, even when things arent going my way? Am I afraid to let those around me know I do have some reasons to be happy, or do I want everybody to feel soory for me?

"...that thou art happy, thou owest to God, that thou continuest such, thou owest to thyself..." John Milton.

These speaks to me, as I dont act happy many times at home, cause Im afraid he'll think everythings okay. Who am I fooling, myself, he knows everything isnt okay, he's unhappiest of us all. So in spirit of that, today Im gonna be pleasant and happy no matter what comes my way

sunshine321

Good for you! Enjoy your day!

Jenny

ICU

I have a different opinion on the above Alanon reminder...it could be I'm taking it out of context, or I could be translating it all wrong (and it wouldn't be the first time for sure, LOL), but here's my take on this (again...just how I see it based on my past experiences)....

I would rather speak and show my truth, whatever it is, as I am feeling it. If I put on a happy face so they don't feel guilty for 'whatever', then I'm lying to myself, and to them. When I lie to myself, it builds momentum, and explodes at the slightest provocation somewhere down the road. No one wins.

I would rather 'take an action' as in 'do something' that 'makes me feel happy' so that if I do wear a 'happy face,' then at least it will be authentic.

Additionally, if I put on a sad or angry face 'just to punish' someone else, I'm not serving myself that way either.

If someone takes issue with my facial expressions, they can choose not to look at my face, for they have choices too, right? I'm not going to lie to myself by denying or hiding how I'm truly feeling for someone else's benefit. The cost is just to great to 'my own well being'!

Of course, to each his/her own. We all must decide what is best for us and I respect that. I just shared my take and what is best for me. Maybe this topic was just a 'trigger' for me.

P.S. and for reasons noted above, no, I'm not a good poker player either, LOL.

denny57

I find the One Day at a Time book, since it's the original, takes a more 1950's view of marriage. Probably why I prefer Courage to Change LOL!

I do find ways to apply ODAT readings to my life, though. In this reading, I would interpret it along the lines of the oft-quoted Lincoln: Most people are as happy as they want to be. I see nothing wrong with expressing my feelings or thoughts on a subject. Walking around with a long face is another matter. I know I did an awful lot of sighing to show my disappointment and displeasure. No one, including the alcoholic, needs my martyr act. After all, I can change myself.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

Tally

The only reason these days I seem to snap out of my martyr persona is for my daughter, I always act happy around her even if I'm not because I don't want her to see me upset. Either that or I'm actually doing things that make me happy.

cookconfay

Ok, I'm "needing" to be active in Al-Anon but am not right now. . .I am an Alcholic, who btw has 10 yrs sobriety. . .today as a matter of fact..... oh excuse me while I gloat.....ok...I think that I let my "mood", long face or whatever be determined too much by what happens outside of me. Does that make any sense? Like abf drank a week or so ago....for days I stayed distant not "happy" in my step or voice talking to him so he bitched about that.....
I can't be what I'm not, however I'm sure I tend to overexaggerate things and carry them on and on and on when I should have already just let it go????? Oh of course the proverbial "let it go". I keep trying....some days are better than others at letting things roll off, but some days...I got a pretty tight clutch on some things!

GiveLove

Ummmmmm....I'll raise you ten bucks then, ICU

ICU

MsPINKAcres

This reminded me so much of those days of "I'll show him" Since you really can't wop them upside the head - then I'll make everyone miserable with my negativity, anger and stubborn silence.

Today, I know that regardless of my emotions or feelings about the A's actions, I can be happy, joyous and free. I will have sad days, days when I feel angry, upset and lonely. But I don't have to let that rule my entire life or household.

Doesn't mean I don't use the tools of the program to process my emotions, but I just don't use those emotions to "get" at anybody.

Great share, Cindi - glad you are able to do what is best for you to help you live your life regardless of his actions.

cinderellawkids

For me, I tend to stay upset or be afraid to act happy around him. SAy something occurred last Friday night, its Thursday is there a reason for me to walk around still mad, how did I feel at work or not around him, happy, stressed maybe but not angry *itchy or pitiful.
I am a very negative and dramaticperson, been that way since before I could speak (according to mom) and as far back as I could rememberso for me its important to find the joy in today or this hour, not to stay upset about something that ahppened and cant be changed, I ahve to let it go and go forard whether my A is around or not otherwise Ill be just like him and drag everyone else down with me, maybe even farther down cause I truly am his mirror image, I have many of the same issues, just differently.

If I truly feel mad or pset still about something and its really bothering me, that is a different story, but as the very dramatic mom of three, crzy children I need to find joy and not completelylose my mind, for me this applies to the As and my life and everyone else too