chero

I talked to the lawyer this morning and he is proceeding with the divorce.

I feel like I'm on the verge of a meltdown. I know I'm doing the right thing but why does the right thing have to hurt so much!

MsPINKAcres

((chero))

hate that you are hurting so much. Sending out good thoughts & prayers for you. Please try to take care of you - hoping you are able to do something healthy, recovery oriented and good for you that will give you comfort.

Wishing you Serenity & Peace,
Rita

ICU

I never got a divorce because I was never married. Closest thing to that I guess was when I had to go to court to provide supportive evidence for my final restraining order. Sometimes I think that might be worse than a divorce...closer to a death in-so-far as the 'no contact' goes. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. In order to give up the part of him that was decayed, I had to give up the part of him that I still loved. Tough choice!! I sobbed all the way home after it was granted.

Why does it hurt so much? I don't know...perhaps because we loved so much! The greater the love, the greater the pain of it's loss.

All I know is that my counselor helped me through it. She took several emergency phone calls when I was in meltdown mode. She was strong for me and encouraged me each very difficult step of the way. She knew I was really trying to help myself. God Bless her for that.

cmc

((((chero)))))

prodigal

Chero, I'm really sorry you are going through so much pain. In the midst of all this, please try to remember that when one door closes, another one will open. We all have to grieve the death or our dream, and that hurts very, very much. You did everything you could do to save your marriage. I remember before you left he became physically abusive towards you. It was the disease taking over, but you know you couldn't live with him under those circumstances. I'll keep you in my prayers. ((((chero))))

cagefree

(((Chero)))

Big hugs to you.

Astro

(((chero))) Good thoughts and prayers coming your way.

Pick-a-name

(((chero))) thinking of you and praying,too.

rayofsunshine

(((chero))) Sending hugs and prayers.

MsGolightly

thinking of you, chero... and just remember to breathe.

justjo

Hi sweetie, I was only thinking about you yesterday as I havent seen you around much.
Honey, I know how you feel and I think it hurts because we realize we are about to start another chapter in our life. Letting go is hard, but just believe in yourself and look straight ahead.
Jo

Lady BlueMiles

((((hugs))) So sorry you're hurting.

Mr. Christian

Hello,
How have you been?
You know, I went through the same thing. It does hurt!
I believe the one thing that stands out is that this is not what any of us wanted.
It was not supposed to happen and ultimately, our bubble was burst, the dream has ended.
It’s hard to swallow believe me I know.
I still have my moments.

But as I have learned and you are too, there are brighter days.
The world keeps going and love does live outside of what we thought.

It’s a speed bump my friend, but the road is in front of you.

chero

Thanks guys! I have probably cried more today than I have in the 3+ months we've been seperated.

I guess I'm pretty lucky because he isn't fighting me on anything. He is in agreement with everything I asked for and he has already paid all the attorney fees.

We both cried. It's awful. Right but awful.

I hope you're right Mr. C and this is all just a speed bump. Funny, until you said it, I had completely forgotten the road was still in front of me.

Guess it's time to start thinking about picking myself up and starting down it!?

UGH! Maybe tomorrow! Tonight I'm going to cry, eat Triscuits and go to bed early.

GiveLove

Hugs, Chero. This too shall pass, just remember.
This is the hardest part -- but the best way to healing is always "through."

Take good care of yourself -- distract yourself with self-care, movies that make you laugh, changes of scenery, anything that occupies your mind with GOOD things. Eat all the triscuits you want (try them with a good cheese and a thin-thin little slice of apple...one of my favorite snacks) and try to get a good night's sleep.

Tears are good too. They will wash you clean...don't begrudge your tears. They help!!

Hugs,
GiveLove

Janitw

Chero I'm sending hugs too...You have been to hell and back again....the divorce is the hardest time of all in anyones life but for us codies its just harder for us because like someone else already said...we love to much...way too much for our own good. But its true this is only a speed bump and then the road is all clear and you put the pedal to the metal and don't look back....HUGS and PRAYERS coming your way....

Janit

chero

Okay, I can't stop crying. I can't sleep. What if I'm making a huge mistake?

I don't know why I'm freaking out!?

guineapigjude

Chero ~ just went to court July 6, after nearly 17 years of marriage. It was the toughest thing I ever did. But it gets better. This I can guarantee. You will be happy again, feel peace again, and have a purpose again. The most amazing thing I've discovered is what fun it is to be me again. No more life focused on XAH ~ on trying to keep him happy to head off outbursts, on hiding his addictions from friends and family (what joy in letting "our secret" go!), on staying isolated so I can be there to clean up/supervise/mediate/protect,on pushing people away so they won't walk in on one of his rages.... I'm living like a real person and delighting in things as simple as going to the mall without bringing the spector of hubby's addictions on my back with me.
It gets better. Just you wait.

chero

Did you ever have doubts that you were doing the right thing?

One thing my husband said to me yesterday was that I never came back and gave him a chance to prove he could change. Of course I think he had three months of me being gone to prove it. But I feel so bad for him. I'm totally second guessing myself.

UGH!

foregoodreasons

Chero,

I hope you were able to get some sleep last night. I think you're freaking out because that's what happens when dreams are dashed. Your world is turned a little topsy-turvy. Things are taking a turn in a direction you probably never thought you'd be heading. You need time to adjust to that. You need time to mourn and cry. Time to vent. And then its time to buckle up and continue on down a healthy path.

If you just give yourself some time to think about this logically, talk yourself through your options, you'll see this is the furthest thing from a huge mistake.

If you stay with him and not continue to distance yourself he will continue to drink (divorcing him is a part of him hitting his rock bottom) and you will continue to be miserable because you're still attached to him in a small way. I'm not even going to suggest that you would be back with him because NO ONE should tolerate any kind of abuse.

Now the flip side of this is that you continue on with the proceedings. You get a life for yourself. You do things that bring you a sense of fulfillment in your life. You get to have some fun and have some laughs and you get to feel GOOD about you. Meanwhile who knows what happens to him. Maybe he hits bottom, gets himself straightened out and finds a way to earn your trust and love again. Or maybe after you're life settles down and you feel grounded you find a great guy who treats you like you deserve to be treated. Who knows? The only thing we know is that won't happen so long as you are still intertwined in his life.

I think this is a great decision given your options. Don't you?

I've been following your story Chero and you've come a long ways. I'm glad that you come here to look for advice and encouragement. Sticking to this place and the fine folks here keeps you accountable. I think having a support system like this, knowing others are watching what you do, is a great way to stay on a path of recovery. It's a huge tool for you and I think it's made a wonderful difference for you in your life.

So kudos to you for your strength and determination. You are amazing. Keep up the good work.